I been starving myself lately

I remember back in high school id starve myself and not eat properly, it was a reason for why i was so skinny.  The reason for doing that was laziness.  I hate cooking, so when my mom wouldnt cook for me i just wouldnt eat.  Lately i been doing the same thing and i know exactly why.

This laziness comes from lack of motivation and absense of things to look forward to.  I remember when i was a 8 year old kid back in my country, id always be so excited about things, id look forward to coming home, finishing up my homework, and then going outside to play with my friends.  Life was so exciting, eventhough it was confusing at times, but i loved it!  I loved hanging outside, i loved talking with friends and enjoying our night out, i loved having a friend over and prank calling folks, i loved so many things and had some sort of motivation for getting things done.  Back then id still starve myself but it was for a different reason, my moms cooking.  Shed cook some nasty ass russian meals that were popular back home like "borsh".  OMG if there is anything that is utterly disgusting, its that nasty ass soup, i dont know why Jewish families would cook that garbage and i didnt understand why i had to eat it when i really really hated the taste, smell, and just even knowing that its being cooked.  I remember waiting for my mom to leave the kitchen, shed either go outside or in another room, then id take that plate of borsh and pour it down the toilet.  Sometimes id forget to flush so id get a real bad ass whooping with a belt.  But other then that some days id rather have been starving then to eat such nasty food.

Today however its a different reason for me starving myself.  Im lazy, and have nothing to look forward to.  Like right now its 4pm and i started to eat breakfast at 3:33, i woke up at around 12.  I have nothing to look forward to when i wake up, no friend to hang out with on the regular, no girlfriend to get with, not even someone i can call on the phone and chit chat, its trully pathetic.  But i do have some friends we just not that close, or for some strange reason everytime i try getting close there is always something in the way.  Like they either dont return the phone call for long ass time, if they return it at all, or they busy, or they said theyd call and well get together but they didnt, its really odd, feels like people either afraid of me or maybe they like me and afraid to call.  Another thing is maybe im doing something wrong, like i met this girl (friend) and told her we should see a movie together-I Am Legend.  So when the movie came out i didnt call her cuz we had finals, then she told me she saw it w/ someone else and implied that i didnt call when it came out.  I thought it was a bad timing to call for a movie when
we all studying for finals, oh well.  My fault but hey im learning im not good at this stuff, gotta learn to crawl before i walk, taking small steps.

I was planning on going to the beach today and here i am typing in this blog.  Its like this everyday, most plans i make i just end up staying home starving myself.

It just pisses me off that people with friends, girlfriends, families have such a nice and exciting life and people like me have more and more problems as a result of their loneliness. Its crazy man, and it pisses me off even more when those people with lots of things look down on people like me and call me a loser, then go complain about their problems how "my girl is driving me crazy".  Bitch are you serious?! you got a girlfriend problems, i wish i had them!  Anyway, im gonna go write out a list for my trip to a grocery store and work on part 2 of my "Everywhere I go at some point i wanna get away" topic.