Everywhere I go at some point i wanna get away

as in get the fuck out of the school im in, city im in, state im in and go somewhere where i can start fresh. where people will forget me and never see me again, and i will come to a place where everyone will know me as the new me whoever that i want to be. this is how i feel a lot and always have since childhood.

i experiment a lot, so id come to a new place and start to act happy, outgoing, then after being this happy, outgoing guy i realize im just being weird and faking my state of happiness, then i become this quiet depressed dude and many people see me as a different guy. i think that has a lot to do with my childhood. i was thinking about this too, all this talk about having a father, and having some males to look up to. when i was born both of my grand fathers were dead, one was dead a while back because of some liver failure and the other died 10 days after my birth. i heard he was a really happy guy and was dying to be my grandpa, but he never had the chance.

anyway when i was growing up it was really hard for me as a kid. i grew up on a russian culture in Uzbekistan, my family is jewish but you know back there everyone who was white would claim he russian because of discrimination against jews. there are Uzbeks, Russians, Jews, some Koreans, and other (i saw a few jamaicans when i was a kid but i think they were just visiting). Uzbeks hated jews, russians hated jews, so all the jews would just say im russian to hide and shit. I never experienced racism growing up but thats what my mom told me that everyone hates jews. Me and my cousin who i saw recently grew up in 2 different neighborhoods. The one i grew up in was shitty but it wasnt bad, i say shitty because it was located right next to this school. schools back in my country work a little differently. here in America there is kindergarden, Elementary School, Middle School, and High School. But back in my country you first go to kindergarden, and then Elementary, Middle, and High Schools are all merged into one. it was grades 1-10 all merged into one school, so you know the oldest and toughest guys run shit while the young n's work their way up the ladder. i lived next to exclusively Uzbek school all my life as a kid. I was exposed to some violence as a kid, my first time i got jumped by 2 Uzbek kids was when i was 8. I remember my grandma was walking me from school and talking to her friend. She wasnt paying attention to me so i ran waaaaaaaaaay ahead of her out of sight. 2 kids my age stopped me asking for a pencil, but i just misunderstood them, they were speaking uzbek and one of the kids pushed me. i barely remember but it was just weird, i honestly did not know what to do or say, i was like what are they doing and why? that was my first time, then i was like damn that was scary and i never told no one just like always.

I saw fights around school, muslims (uzbeks) would come and try to mess with russians or whites thinking they russian. one time a kid was staring at me from the school's window mean mugging me and i was like wtf do i do? so i mean mug back and he was like pointing with his finger like come down here ill fight you, so i just did the same and pretended to walk tawards the school but once i was out of sight i just walked around.

So anyway that was my neighborhood, it was not so pleasant but i never thought it was bad. I hated it because every morning when i go to school, i was the only white kid on the street, and everybody else muslim, all the muslims go to their school thats next to my house, and im going to my school which is the opposite. So id be going against traffic of a muslim army every morning, i felt really nervous and out of place, and never talked about this with anyone.

• I grew up in this apartment complex that had 10 apartments. There were 2 guys and 3 girls i hung out with, all the kids were around my age. We were like a cliq, but it was all we had. No older men, no street kids, just us 3 clueless guys and 3 girls.

• my cousin though, he grew up in the most dangerous neighborhood in the city, at least thats what he says but i believe him, its called Kuyluk 5. I visited his hood when i was a kid a few times and it looked like a project building, like a bunch of 5 storie houses all put together on one block radius. it wasnt a poor area though. he told me that back then it was communism so the government supplied all the people with a free apartment but make people pay for gas and electric bills. so there were poor people and rich people in his hood, cuz its different back there then in this country. He grew around street kids, learning how to talk to other street kids, all the guys who schooled him and taught him how to fight, how to talk to girls, etc.. were all older then him. say my cousin was 12, all the old guys he learned from were 18, 19, 20, and over.

me and him were talking about this and i was like damn, its not really about rich or poor, black or white, ghetto or suburb, this whole fuking earth is all about being soft or tough, Darwinism theory. every city of every country is the same shit, some kids either grow up like me, away from any sort of male role models, around women, or just in a place with not many kids, and some children grow up like my cousin, in a neighborhood with street kids, learning from the oldest boys about life and manhood, how to handle yourself in a street, how to live facing your fears, etc.. all that street shit. but i know even in these sort of areas there are mothers who protect their children from street kids so its tough on the child if he dont have a good father or any other male role models to look up to.

when i grew up in my neighborhood i was always confused about a lot of things, i had not one male who would school me on ANYTHING in my entire childhood and even adulthood. so when id walk by the muslim school i lived next to id be walking fast cuz i remember seeing these Uzbek boys who looked tough looking like trouble, as a kid i thought they were bad guys, same when id see a gang of street kids, usually uzbeks. i was like man they look up to no good and they are some messed up people. now i look back and its like, they all grow up together, and you know, those type of kids turn into street kids, but kids like me who grow up around girls and guys who are the same age, turn into sort of confused people who learn all the basic stuff later on in their life, the things street kids learn in the street at a young age. so if i grew up like my cousin id probably be close to him, i would still be a soft guy i think id just be more sure on where im going and about life and stuff.

my cousin he grew up fighting, doing drugs, he was in a gang, he knew everyone, had friends in juve, later on had friends in jail, hed have connections, his neighborhood was considered bad and it was a lot of Koreans who run in packs, and all know martial arts. they go around jacking people, get into fights, he was basically getting schooled by a lot of street kids on how to be a real man, to fight, be a tough guy, do drugs, have fun, talk to girls, have sex, etc.. but for me i didnt even know what marijuana was until i was about 15 i think. i was sort of scared of everything, the things mom told me about to stay away from made me feel odd about life and scared of many things.

but i do remember when i went to my own school, there were lots of russians, some jews, koreans, and uzbeks. every morning when id walk to school id see a group of boys gathered around, so id just walk up, shake everyones hand and then we all talk. every morning it could be the same spot, then one morning the leader of the group, the cool guy,
would be like "hey lets stand over there" and the location would switch. that was like that
every morning before classes. and when i left that environment i came to America, shit was really rough for me.


id beg God every day when i was back home to let us come to US. cuz i remember we were gonna go to Israel because it was easier and we had relatives there. but i didnt want to go to Israel and prayed to God all the time it wouldnt happen. so when we found out we got accepted to America i was soooooo excited i was like "yeah man, finally, im gonna get away, form this shitty ass neighborhood, from this shitty ass school, im tired of this life. im gonna go to America and be a new, cool guy that everyone loves" when i came here it was sooooo different. Everything cool back home was corny here. i remember i brought this BMW jacket and it was like the most coolest jacket back home, id worry about wearing it because id hear about how some street kids would take it from me, but i wore it anyway a few times here and there and all the guys at my school was like "damn thats a cool jacket". i came here i had people laugh at me, and then i remember i had these cool red snickers. back there it was fucking stylish i never even wore em cuz i saved them for a special occasion. here guys would shake their head and laugh seeing me wear the shoes. and also it took me like 2 years to learn English so id spend 2 years avoiding people. and all the white Americans, Black Americans, and even Asian Americans all looked cool to me, and they all seemed like they found their place and shit, and i was confused lil kid feeling out of place, like i was different from everyone, and everyone was cool and i was not. i developed inferiority complex disorder from that experience.

I went straight to a High School when me and my fam arrived here in California. I had a few girls trying to talk to me but id pretend id speak English, even though i didnt, and give
short answers, and felt really stupid. by the time i learned English i was avoiding people
left and right, it was like a program. then i developed a strong hate for russian people and their
culture. This dude was helping me my first 2 years of high school, and he was all taking me here, taking me there around school, showing me stuff, you know "schooling me" on how things are. but the dude turned out to be an asshole user who harrassed me later on and threaten me, and didnt teach me anything in the end just confuse me more about shit. so i was like wtf? why is it the same shit everywhere? i was back home i dealt with these russian idiots, here its the same. so i thought fuck all russians theyre all fucked up. and you know i had a background, i grew up around it, and i started to almost hate myself with being associated with the russian culture. i refused to speak the language, i told my mom that ill only speak English to her. it was crazy, i pretended like i was American cuz i didnt want anyone to think where i was from, i was ashamed, it was self-hate at its finest. i started hating my skin tone, i was disgusted with my paliness, i got jumped one time in high school and it really fucked me up mentally but i recovered after about a week.


thats its for now. im tired as fuck been getting high off my ass, im gonna go to sleep or play ace combat. maybe ill write part 2 next time.