I just feel like talking about this right now, and I'm not sure if anyone could relate.
So, I had this one co-worker that I hung out with once or twice. But the thing is, I am one of those loners that doesn't embrace life and lives it with passion because well... I have no friends. So, when a friend comes into my life it is really a rare moment. Another reason is because I have PTSD. the fucked up thing about this is, I can't tell anyone any of these things because well... they'll think I'm a desperate loser who is dying for friendship with somebody, or anybody. I actually told this co-worker about my PTSD, and he just thought I'm too negative. So much for opening up to people...
Another thing about me is, I wasn't born here in the U.S.. I came here when I was 12, almost 13, at an age where you passed the point of having an easy integrating process into a new culture. And as a result of this, I have felt disconnected from most people in America. It is the most loneliest, and coldest place you could experience. I got no support from anyone other than my family, that is shrinking as time passes by. I feel all alone, with no one there to get my back or even call me up on the phone to shoot the shit.
So, back to my 'friend'. We were cool and actually were having fun at work while working retail. As a result, one time this lady customer actually thought we were really close saying "that's yo boy!" And I was thinking 'if only that was true'. So, basically this guy is and always was really distant. He has this other friend and from the looks of things they are best friends. I'm like cool, whatever. But then I feel like when I try to reach out and extend my friendship, he doesn't give a FUCK, and acts distant. So, whenever HE feels like reaching out and invite me into his world to hang out, I jump up on my back legs like a puppy screaming YES YES YES OF COURSE I'D LOVE TO! So, one day I said I'll be as distant to him as he is to me. No homo and all, this isn't anything gay related. So, I copied him and didn't return his phone call the same day. The next day at work he was sort of fucked up. Like I made him feel bad or something. I was like... okay. whatever. I don't give a fuck, like you don't give a fuck. I never really felt close to him, but was just tired to be at his disposal whenever he felt like getting a hold of me. So, then what he did the next time I saw him was tell me that 'I deleted you from my phone. You didn't call me back and I take that shit real personal'. That REALLY fucked me up. What made it worse is, I already feel disconnected from nearly everyone in this strange land, of which many natives treat me like an outsider on sight. But he made me feel even more disconnected than I already am. It's sort of like... I have tiny little bit of connection with someone out there. And then that person cuts it by coming up to me and telling me "no, sorry. we don't have no connection. fuck off".
and you know... me seeing this dude and his best friend getting together at work and just shooting the shit for what seemed eternity. It seemed like if they had 3 hours to spend with each other, they'd never run out of things to say, or fun to have. Me seeing that connection between 2 human beings fucked me up even more. What's even worse is that later on this dude asked me to go out with him and he calls me up about the logistics. I was like WTF!?!?! I thought you deleted me from your phone? He goes 'I just said that to make you feel bad'.
This is the same dude who didn't even wanna accept my facebook friend's request. And then when he jump started his business he was quick to add me because now he needs people to "like" his shit, like I'm stupid or something. And when he'd see me in public, like taking a bus, and he is going to some bar he's meeting with friends, he'd invite me. But were I never to see him, he'd never call me or text me to invite me for shit. Is this what you call a friend?
what really makes me mad even more with people like this dude is how he complains about things in his life. He is not from California, so he complains that he doesn't have a social circle here and no close friends; complains about how much he hates his job. Complains, complains, complains. But he got a best friend, he got his own place, he got a good paying job, he got independence, he got a father that raised him right, he got a brother, and I think even a sister. He got all these friends from back home and TONS of support and LOVE from so many people, that he takes it all for granted. I guess it's true what they say about being human. No matter how much you accomplish in life, you'll always want more. and the thing that makes me mad is, I can't tell him about me. I can't complain to him about not having friends. He is already distant as fuck, and when I used to hang around him it felt like 'wow, we are hanging out? this isn't the every day thing. I should cherish this moment.' I can't tell him how lonely I AM. Social circle?!?!?! I don't even have one friend who is there for me. STFU about bitching about not having a social circle, dude. I wanna slap you thinking about how lonely my life is, while you complain about yours with all this amazing support from all the people who would do anything for you. And all I got is my mom, who I completely don't see eye to eye with. But hey, I am glad I have her. At least SOMEONE in this lonely world cares about me, and my existence.
But yeah, I keep thinking about this guy a lot. People like him in general, make me really angry. They have excitement for life, and exploring it. They are excited to go to a show, excited to go to a club. And I am scared of it all. Scared to leave my house worrying about stupid shit that probably will never happen. People like him come from families that raised them right. And at the end, find things to complain and bitch about. I even saw him a few months back. He told me, 'you still got my #? hit me up'. I was like, yeah okay. But I deleted him from my phone. Wtf I need someone in my life for that keeps me at a distance and treats me like a little kid. I may not have matured in life as other men who are my age, but seems like that is exactly the reason guys who are even younger than me don't want to hang out with me. And all because "you get on my nerves sometimes".
I even remember asking if he wanna go to lunch. He was like yeah, cool. We go get a subway sandwich and he is totally aloof. Gets on his phone and starts calling places to rent. I was like damn... I guess I'm not even here. Now, if you made it this far reading my rant, let me ask you something. Is this what you call a friend? Because I don't think it is. My best description of someone like this is a buddy. Someone you kick it with every now and then, but you'll probably never see them again.
So, that's my rant. I really wanted to get that off my chest. I just feel like no one knows me, or even if they do, they don't get me because I am so different. So, they keep their distance. And as a result, I can't be honest with them and tell them things about me that are personal. And even more fucked up thing is, many people I meet judge me straight away and put me in a box. I don't know maybe it's because I am pale, skinny, look 'different', or like I am not of this land and not a native. And they can see that. Whatever the reason is, it is ignorance. Because I don't know what else to call it. One of the most valuable lessons I learned in life is, never judge a book by its cover. I just wish sometimes other people would get this too.