Monday, January 13, 2014

Being alone is really really hard

So many things are happening right now. My mom had a NDE, Near Death Experience, this past Saturday. It really hit me. I am all alone. But if my mom is gone, then what? What will really happen to me? I am at a point where I will have to work my ASS off to get on track and get on my own two feet while my mom is still here supporting me. I don't have to pay rent or worry about getting a career. Working at a crappy retail job can fly right now, but will it if I'll want to get my own place? HELL NO! Retail is equivalent to collecting table crumbs while others with say a scripting or programming skills get all the money.

Then so many things are happening in my personal life. Me being such a loner. It really hurts me to the point where I want to cry for hours. But I am so depressed, that tears won't even come out. It's just all this sadness that's built up inside of me and I just sit here feeling overwhelmed not wanting to cry, or even try anymore.

I had a friend a few years back, my only friend back then. He once told me that he admires that I am able to be alone because it is one of his biggest fears. He needed people around him constantly. But he is full of life and people are attracted to his confidence and thirst for living. And it hurts so bad being so lonely. I feel so much pain in my soul, I got tears building up under my eyes right now. Just not enough to make me cry.

And so much drama going on at work. I try to be social, I really do. Matter of fact, I don't try too hard but just am open to chatting and socializing with co-workers. But most of them don't care! I am not socially awkward like I used to be. I am actually socially intelligent, and read others' energies pretty well before I gage social situations, unless I am going out which is a totally different story. Anyway, so we got this new guy who ignores me almost 100% of the time outside of bye and hi. He'd rather talk to a manager about some shit they don't even know, then to ask me, someone who has been with a company for over a year and could teach him a thing or two. Some people like him really avoid me and treat me like I am different. And hey, I AM different, but I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I am more positive than I have ever been, non-judgmental, and one of the coolest guys you would ever meet. But people like this dude always treat me like I don't exist or even worth talking to.

Another thing that is pissing me off is this. Why is it that if you are a good guy, and really try and go out of your way to help someone, they either don't care, or end up walking all over you? I had a female friend at work. She found out I can give her rides, so at some point she started abusing me. She first asked me to stay 1 hour after my shift just so I could give her ride. Me being the good guy that I am, I did at first. Then the only time she'd ever text me or call me is when she'd need rides after work. I stopped staying extra hour after work after that one time, and started taking bus to work some days to avoid her. Then I just started flat out lying that I didn't drive because I felt abused and that our whole friendship consisted of me giving her rides. It's fucked up, don't you think?

Another female co-worker I got. She is a few months new. I found out that we have a lot in common. We both have crazy insomnia, PTSD, both have dysfunctional families, and somewhat psychic experiences like Sleep Paralysis and heard voices. I really tried helping her. I brought her this CD with hypnotherapy I bought for myself for sleep a while back. Brought her natural herbal sleeping pills, which she refuses to take, burned her a DVD FILLED with meditation CDs that would help her sleep, and even bought her a stone that helps with psychic protection and that helped me sleep in the past. And the most fucked up thing is, SHE DOESN'T SEEM TO CARE! I don't feel like she really appreciates it all that much, if at all.

Today she comes in hiding behind a rack organizing stuff instead of coming out to the register where I am standing. So, I was like wth...? I said hey. Her reaction: hey, what's up?... which was so distant and aloof. I try so hard to form some sort of a connection based on our similar experiences, but she doesn't give a flying fuck! So, today I just said FUCK IT! FUCK THAT BITCH! if there is anything I learned in life, is that you just need to stop giving a fuck and be 10x more distant than people are to you. I try so hard to be close to some folks out there, but they don't care. Seems like they all got friends, family, closed ones, and they don't need an extra one, or two. And I am the only lonely soul in the universe on a never ending quest for friendship and connection, like Donnelly fucking Miller. It's sad as hell and I don't care anymore. FUCK THESE BITCHES! FUCK THEM ALL! THEY CAN ALL GO TO HELL! FUCK OFF!!! I WON'T SAY ANOTHER WORD AND ACT DISTANT AND ALOOF. and if these bitches act the same, I don't care anymore. Why is it that I always gotta be the initiator and someone who helps others, when not only do they not care, but they probably judge me and think I'm weird in some way?

But the sad part is, guys my age don't want to befriend me neither. Guys my age are either married with kids, got and/or have had multiple girlfriends talking about 'settling down'. I can't make friends with girls because they are girls and want me to have my own life and then socialize with them on a side, which is like... never. When I don't really have a life and need to work on my self and on my issues in order to get a 'life.' And I can't make friends with guys because I am way too inexperienced for my age, so guys tend to think I'm weird and/or I get on their 'nerves'. I deleted a bunch of people from my phone today because I just said fuck it. What's the point of having people in my cell when no one will ever call. I told this one 'friend' I had that he only calls me when he wants access to me (like when he wanna go out and don't got his other friend(s) that would come with him), you know what he said? "That's gay". Everything is fucking gay to this dude. I wouldn't be surprised if he is gay. Why is everyone so fucking gay these days and they act homophobic and deny it to the teeth when they probably want some dick? No homo and all. I just find it strange. So I deleted him from my phone.

Fuck everyone! I am at that point right now.

I liked this girl at work but right away saw bad signs. Good signs were that 1) I found her attractive and she was very thick and my 'type', 2) I felt like she was interested at first. Bad signs was that she got into a group that will NEVER EVER EVER accept me and just treat me like an outsider, an outcast. So, if I somehow went with her, most people in the group would vilify me. I tried talking to her once, but I was nervous. Really fucking nervous. That's another bad sign. My PTSD hits the roof when I am around her. And from experience I should just leave her the fuck alone because it could be some sort of energy coming from her, or maybe we are incompatible. Either way, I DONT GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE! FUCK HER!

FUCK ALL THESE BITCHES!!!!! I will be distant and cold. The more I am warm, and helpful, the more people don't care and act distant. I'll just act like I got stuff going on in my personal life and I could give less fuck about them. Working at retail and with all these young people, it's nothing but drama and disappointment. It's really interesting how I wanted to be around young people. But most of them are way too immature, negative, and judgmental to be on my level. Most of them vibrate on such a low level, I can only take it so much before I stop giving a fuck. And I am past that point. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am focused on getting independent and learning how to be on my own, standing on my own two feet without relying on anyone. Fuck helping everyone trying to save the world. I gotta worry about me first. And once I save myself, I may meet a friend or two. All these other people are fake, phony, and pretenders. FUCK THEM ALL!!! I swear to god I see them judging me in their eyes. Either it's 80%, 50%, 30%, 5%, or even 1-3%. It's really really really rare that I meet someone with a clear gaze that got positive, uplifting, loving, higher vibrational energy. They are that rare, and I am starting to think I am one of them...


Anonymous said...

i'd be ur friend. you seem thoughtful & funny in an introverted way. but too bad the world aint built around that. people just wanna have fun and not deal with others' insecurities & shortcomings.

Sp said...

are you saying that is why that PTSD girl is acting so distant and aloof?

Anonymous said...

what if some of your perceptions are a lil off? maybe from your ptsd issues or lack of confidence

that's what therapy's helped me realize. my perceptions of myself & others have been totally wrong. i don't know, try not to give up on people just yet.

Sp said...

I thought about that, and I highly doubt I am wrong.

Growing up I was always sensitive to energy, but didn't understand it. I always thought something is wrong with me when people spew negativity at me, judging me silently. After I grew up, matured, and found parts of myself, I realized it isn't me, it's them.

I was seeing a shrink and he was judging me; a fucking therapist judging me. I was a lot younger and confused at the time, and as I said before, thought it was me. Then after writing him a goodbye e-mail telling everything I think of him and his program, he replied telling me exactly what he thought of me pointing out my flaws. I thought to myself, why wasn't he telling me these things when I was seeing him? They would've helped me out a whole lot. I could've worked on myself and get better. But he only said it in that e-mail. That, my friend, is a huge confirmation that my intuition was right all along.

My first impression of people is usually right. I meditate, practice martial arts, in which I meditate, and as we all know meditation makes your intuition and 3rd eye even stronger. There is no way you can tell me something is wrong with me, and it's all my fault. Those days are over. I can tell when people are being condescending, or distant. And they don't have to say a word for me to know that. Their eyes reveal a whole lot, as well as their body language. And also, let's not forget their vibe.