My new ways was the guy who pushes himself to talk to strangers, talks to women, smiling and thinks positively, but i think i've gone back in time and killed this new potential. Instead i've noticed that i been doing the same dumb ass retarded shit i been doing back in city college, sitting there all quiet, never commenting on things, and you know i'm an introvert if i dont talk at all the less likely i wanna talk, and i just contribute to just this cycle of shithole existence, and the feeling of nothing appears out of thin air. like i am nothing! i have no power, im as good as dead only im alive. I dont know if many men have experienced that life's feeling but that's where i'm at right now.
It made me think about this when earlier today we had group work in my English class. I had to talk to some people in my class and this cute girl was interviewing me and it reminded me of the time after i took my weekend workshop where i had 3 instructors push me to talk to as many women in night clubs. After that workshop i was a new guy going around talking to people, still felt weird but i did it, then i did it less and less, and before i know it i'm the old me again. Damn i don't know what to do, sometimes i wanna die because being an introvert without any role male models in my life feels like i'm destined to be alone all my life. If i could only describe how it feels. Guys who love talking basically get anything they want out of life, guys who don't, like me, are doomed to die out and never be able to procreate. That's the only way to describe it. But i voluntarily wanna die out, i dont want kids, but i think i just want to experience sex once, and that's it. The longer i wait the weirder it feels, i mean damn im 28 how long till im no longer a virgin? Either way i need to finish school so i can get a job and pay some bills so i can take care of my self and live on my own.
Fuck i been putting off my part 2 story till forever, maybe ill finally write it the next time...
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
Update
A few things been happening. My landlord lost it when i told her im moving out within a few days because i was supposed to give her a 30 day notice. NOT THIS FRIDAY! THIS IS BULLSHIIIT I CAN NOT DEAL WITH THIS! IT IS TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Shit bitch SHUT THE FUCK UP! damn! the entire house heard you and i dont deserve to be yelled at just cuz your life suxed for the last month. Talked to her and now i gotta stay there an extra month, now was all that yelling and emotion throwing necessary? stupid.
Im on probation at my college. I got lower then 2.00 and i got this semester to get my GPA back up. The good news about getting one C, an F, and 2 D's is that the D's i got are of classes that are not my major hahahahahhahahaha bitch what! now the Anthropology class im glad about because it was dope and i liked the teacher but the other one with the dumb ass happy-go-lucky teacher... man fuck your stupid ass lectures! fuck your stupid ass and you always talk about your family, your girlfriends back in the days man fuck you! haha dumb ass fucking cunt, i got a D bitch haha in your face!!! never will i have to take your shitty lectures ever again for your class is not my major! and i passed it with a D and it counts towards my diploma! BITCH! HAHAHAHHAHHAHAHA! fucking bitch, talking about your wife and kids and how happy you are when you supposed to be teaching us class material, telling us how you used to live with your girlfriends when you supposed to teach the class, bitch i dont give a fuck about you and your nice life that you built! fuck you! why is there teachers like you that know absolutely nothing about how hard it is for some folks and talking about how nice your life is makes the people who struggle angry. thats the equivelant of a drug dealer flossing his gold and his cars infront of poor folks who stay bitter, why would you wanna do that? you dumb fuck!!! oh man how i feel so good that i'll never be taking his class ever again hahaha, yes! and he so unorganized, horrible, just horrible.
Then my family made this deal for me, that they'll find me a place with roomates next to my college, they'll pay for me and i wouldnt even have to work just study and get off probation. That was yesterday but today is a diff story. Now they talking about i should move back home and stay here, that really pissed me off. This is what my fam always do, but whatever ill deal with their bullshit for a few months. I think here is better then my current place that has shitty roomates, small room, and a weird roomate always walking through my room to get to his.
Lastly, im gonna post this funny ass video that i must've seen like 20 times and it's still funny. Posted on sohh no one found it funny, FUCK SOHH!
I've seen every single video these guys made, they remind me of myself when i was little. I used to do pranks in classes and was a class clown everybody loved me and thought i was funny. Funny how life turned out for me, now i can barely bring myself to smile in certain classes.
Im on probation at my college. I got lower then 2.00 and i got this semester to get my GPA back up. The good news about getting one C, an F, and 2 D's is that the D's i got are of classes that are not my major hahahahahhahahaha bitch what! now the Anthropology class im glad about because it was dope and i liked the teacher but the other one with the dumb ass happy-go-lucky teacher... man fuck your stupid ass lectures! fuck your stupid ass and you always talk about your family, your girlfriends back in the days man fuck you! haha dumb ass fucking cunt, i got a D bitch haha in your face!!! never will i have to take your shitty lectures ever again for your class is not my major! and i passed it with a D and it counts towards my diploma! BITCH! HAHAHAHHAHHAHAHA! fucking bitch, talking about your wife and kids and how happy you are when you supposed to be teaching us class material, telling us how you used to live with your girlfriends when you supposed to teach the class, bitch i dont give a fuck about you and your nice life that you built! fuck you! why is there teachers like you that know absolutely nothing about how hard it is for some folks and talking about how nice your life is makes the people who struggle angry. thats the equivelant of a drug dealer flossing his gold and his cars infront of poor folks who stay bitter, why would you wanna do that? you dumb fuck!!! oh man how i feel so good that i'll never be taking his class ever again hahaha, yes! and he so unorganized, horrible, just horrible.
Then my family made this deal for me, that they'll find me a place with roomates next to my college, they'll pay for me and i wouldnt even have to work just study and get off probation. That was yesterday but today is a diff story. Now they talking about i should move back home and stay here, that really pissed me off. This is what my fam always do, but whatever ill deal with their bullshit for a few months. I think here is better then my current place that has shitty roomates, small room, and a weird roomate always walking through my room to get to his.
Lastly, im gonna post this funny ass video that i must've seen like 20 times and it's still funny. Posted on sohh no one found it funny, FUCK SOHH!
I've seen every single video these guys made, they remind me of myself when i was little. I used to do pranks in classes and was a class clown everybody loved me and thought i was funny. Funny how life turned out for me, now i can barely bring myself to smile in certain classes.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Severe Headaches i wanna OFF MYSELF!!!
i woke up at 3:24am its 3:56 now and i been having this piece of shit migrane. all i do is suffer, suffer suffer, pain pain pain pain pain all my fucking life im sick of it this headache is so fucking severe feels like somebody is cutting the inside of my left eye socket and my eye looks all red like it aint normal.
I dont understand why GOD puts me through all this pain man, if he exists. Fucking lonely, painful life, wtf is wrong with this body that im in, why is it acting so weird? If i wanna drink water why isnt my body thirsty? i can go without food or watter without feeling like i need it then i feel this shitty ass migrane.
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY STOP THIS SHITTY ASS PAIN OMG I DONT KNOW IF I CAN TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! man its about 20 % down but it still hurts like shit wtf is wrong with this body man. oh man im so tired of feeling pain, physically like this i used to go through this shit all the time in high school and not know what it is, then after i figured out after like i dont know 10 fucking years of visitng stupid ass western doctors, they said im fine, eastern doctors, they said im fine, till i figured out on my own and i still have these shitty ass headaches cuz i dont care and once i get em i wish and pray to GOD i ate and ddrank enough liquid sothat i would feel this pain.
nobody hears, and when they do they dont care, shit is crazy man, i need to take care of myself, take care of my body, nobody else gives a flying fuck why should they? they got their own body that functions its own way to worry about it. man this shit hurts so bad i literally wanna take a gun put it in my mouth and blow my fucking brains out so that the pain stops. i think the pain goes down to 30% now but still hurts like shit. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK FUCK FDU KFAU;D FKALDJ FA;DF UFCK FUC FUKC FUFKD;AFDKFJA; DKFJA ;DSFJ A;LDFJJA;LKKDJF L;AKJ DF;LAJ DF;AJ ;FLDJA ;L~!~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my left eye is dripping with tears, its red as shit, and i really really really dont understand why people like me have to suffer so much pain and so much struggle. and what really really really confuses me is that WHY DOESNT ANYBODY HEAR ME!!!!!!! i suffer with a headache doctors say im fine, i suffer with issues people say im fine, then some dumb ass loner who has my characteristics shoots up a school then everybody wanna learn how to lock people like me up so that all the "normal" people can have a nice life. WHY THE FUCK DONT YOU WANNA HELP SOMEONE WHEN THEY ARE DOWN AND STRUGGLING? WHY YOU WANNA TELL ME IM FINE AND ALL AND THEN YOU DONT EVEN KNOW THE HALF OF IT? why is this society is so fucked up? i dont understand, why couldnt doctors tell me i just need to eat and keep my body filled with liquid to get rid of headaches? all these appointments one after another and one has yet to tell me anything! some fixed me up with other stuff and i appreciate it but why couldnt they dumb asses tell me to just DRINK WATER AND EAT ENOUGH FOOD TO NOT GET SEVERE MIGRANES? i dont understand, probably never will.
shit man headache is down a lil more its 4:07 am and i got school tommorow first day fuck!!!!!!!!! i should be sleeping but thank GOD, as much as im mad at that fucker right now, that i got this blog to vent out on. oh how i cursed out GOD when i was a kid, life was so weird and confusing but yet everbody told me to pray to him and ask for help, i did but my life was always filled with pain, suffering, and confusion.
I really need to take responsibility now that i know how my body works i just have no motivation so then i bitch and moan when the pain comes but yet i dont do the steps to prevent the dumb ass headache or any other ache in my life. I dont know man, i need some plan or maybe have some food with me at all time so that im always munching on something. I feel guilty spending my mom's money so i try to starve myself to save up, its really pathetic. I hate how she raised me like that but i gotta change and break away from this piece of shit condition, i need to get free and do what th fcuk i need to do to prevent any pain or suffering. I dont know how im gonna do this but i must or no one will do it for me, its my body i should love it and heal it especially now that i know how to prevent these piece of shit headaches! ok, i think its like 85% gone now, but im mad, got lil tears in my left eye, my nose is stuffed i wanna cry thinking about all the bullshit i gotta deal with plus feel these pains. enough! im off to bed now...
I dont understand why GOD puts me through all this pain man, if he exists. Fucking lonely, painful life, wtf is wrong with this body that im in, why is it acting so weird? If i wanna drink water why isnt my body thirsty? i can go without food or watter without feeling like i need it then i feel this shitty ass migrane.
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY STOP THIS SHITTY ASS PAIN OMG I DONT KNOW IF I CAN TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! man its about 20 % down but it still hurts like shit wtf is wrong with this body man. oh man im so tired of feeling pain, physically like this i used to go through this shit all the time in high school and not know what it is, then after i figured out after like i dont know 10 fucking years of visitng stupid ass western doctors, they said im fine, eastern doctors, they said im fine, till i figured out on my own and i still have these shitty ass headaches cuz i dont care and once i get em i wish and pray to GOD i ate and ddrank enough liquid sothat i would feel this pain.
nobody hears, and when they do they dont care, shit is crazy man, i need to take care of myself, take care of my body, nobody else gives a flying fuck why should they? they got their own body that functions its own way to worry about it. man this shit hurts so bad i literally wanna take a gun put it in my mouth and blow my fucking brains out so that the pain stops. i think the pain goes down to 30% now but still hurts like shit. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK FUCK FDU KFAU;D FKALDJ FA;DF UFCK FUC FUKC FUFKD;AFDKFJA; DKFJA ;DSFJ A;LDFJJA;LKKDJF L;AKJ DF;LAJ DF;AJ ;FLDJA ;L~!~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my left eye is dripping with tears, its red as shit, and i really really really dont understand why people like me have to suffer so much pain and so much struggle. and what really really really confuses me is that WHY DOESNT ANYBODY HEAR ME!!!!!!! i suffer with a headache doctors say im fine, i suffer with issues people say im fine, then some dumb ass loner who has my characteristics shoots up a school then everybody wanna learn how to lock people like me up so that all the "normal" people can have a nice life. WHY THE FUCK DONT YOU WANNA HELP SOMEONE WHEN THEY ARE DOWN AND STRUGGLING? WHY YOU WANNA TELL ME IM FINE AND ALL AND THEN YOU DONT EVEN KNOW THE HALF OF IT? why is this society is so fucked up? i dont understand, why couldnt doctors tell me i just need to eat and keep my body filled with liquid to get rid of headaches? all these appointments one after another and one has yet to tell me anything! some fixed me up with other stuff and i appreciate it but why couldnt they dumb asses tell me to just DRINK WATER AND EAT ENOUGH FOOD TO NOT GET SEVERE MIGRANES? i dont understand, probably never will.
shit man headache is down a lil more its 4:07 am and i got school tommorow first day fuck!!!!!!!!! i should be sleeping but thank GOD, as much as im mad at that fucker right now, that i got this blog to vent out on. oh how i cursed out GOD when i was a kid, life was so weird and confusing but yet everbody told me to pray to him and ask for help, i did but my life was always filled with pain, suffering, and confusion.
I really need to take responsibility now that i know how my body works i just have no motivation so then i bitch and moan when the pain comes but yet i dont do the steps to prevent the dumb ass headache or any other ache in my life. I dont know man, i need some plan or maybe have some food with me at all time so that im always munching on something. I feel guilty spending my mom's money so i try to starve myself to save up, its really pathetic. I hate how she raised me like that but i gotta change and break away from this piece of shit condition, i need to get free and do what th fcuk i need to do to prevent any pain or suffering. I dont know how im gonna do this but i must or no one will do it for me, its my body i should love it and heal it especially now that i know how to prevent these piece of shit headaches! ok, i think its like 85% gone now, but im mad, got lil tears in my left eye, my nose is stuffed i wanna cry thinking about all the bullshit i gotta deal with plus feel these pains. enough! im off to bed now...
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
I had really weird dreams today...
I had really weird dreams tonight too, i almost forgot to mention that. Before going to bed for some reason so many memories came to me about my childhood, i was thinking about growing up in Uzbekistan, my school i went to. For so long i was suppressing it trying to forget it, but its part of who i am so why the fuck should i forget? I should share these experiences with people i meet everywhere. That's something that my friend taught me.
The school i went to as a kid was divided into classes, like for Example: Class A, Class B, C, etc.. and each class would have different subjects. I think I was in Class B, so our class was always together throughout the day going from classroom to classroom. And everybody in our class knew each other, we had this Muslim girl that was ugliest girl in our class, so we all cracked jokes, even around her. So one day somebody drew some nasty pic of her doing something on a piece of paper, i think it was some sex stuff i dont remember, and posted it on the second floor of a stairway. We all gathered around looking at it laughing and stuff and then once she saw it she tore it down. I thought about that, also about how my cousin came to my hood and he was teaching me how to smoke cigs, and i started coughing cuz my lungs were so pure and he was laughing.
So anyway, my dream was made up of 3 parts. First part was about my country but i dont remember it for some reason, the second part was about the first girl i ever approached here in college, and the 3rd about this dude i keep seeing on my campus. The first girl i ever approached was this black girl, her ass was like Buffy's and her body like Angela Basset's. I actually blogged her when i was talking to her on a bus stop a few entries into my blog, i think its called the PSI story. In a dream i dial her # and ask if she's there by her name, some girl says "shes not here, may i ask who is calling?" so i just say its ok ill call later and hang up. Weird ass dream considering i honestly dont see any type of future between us, i think we're too different but for some reason she always pops up in my highway of thoughts. And another dream was about this black dude that i keep seeing on my college campus, he's a loner like me but got a girl and knows a few heads in the black community but to himself a lot. I dont know maybe it was my inferiority complex talking to me, but i dreamed that it was actually 2 people i was seeing. One was the guy who looks down on me, and the other who was just cool and open minded i think, who just looks like him. But all this time i was thinking they are the same guy.
Dreams are weird, many times they don't make any sort of sense. I know people write books on them maybe i should visit borders and check stuff out. Maybe that would be my new thing to be done this semester.
Anyway, till next time im outta this bitch!
The school i went to as a kid was divided into classes, like for Example: Class A, Class B, C, etc.. and each class would have different subjects. I think I was in Class B, so our class was always together throughout the day going from classroom to classroom. And everybody in our class knew each other, we had this Muslim girl that was ugliest girl in our class, so we all cracked jokes, even around her. So one day somebody drew some nasty pic of her doing something on a piece of paper, i think it was some sex stuff i dont remember, and posted it on the second floor of a stairway. We all gathered around looking at it laughing and stuff and then once she saw it she tore it down. I thought about that, also about how my cousin came to my hood and he was teaching me how to smoke cigs, and i started coughing cuz my lungs were so pure and he was laughing.
So anyway, my dream was made up of 3 parts. First part was about my country but i dont remember it for some reason, the second part was about the first girl i ever approached here in college, and the 3rd about this dude i keep seeing on my campus. The first girl i ever approached was this black girl, her ass was like Buffy's and her body like Angela Basset's. I actually blogged her when i was talking to her on a bus stop a few entries into my blog, i think its called the PSI story. In a dream i dial her # and ask if she's there by her name, some girl says "shes not here, may i ask who is calling?" so i just say its ok ill call later and hang up. Weird ass dream considering i honestly dont see any type of future between us, i think we're too different but for some reason she always pops up in my highway of thoughts. And another dream was about this black dude that i keep seeing on my college campus, he's a loner like me but got a girl and knows a few heads in the black community but to himself a lot. I dont know maybe it was my inferiority complex talking to me, but i dreamed that it was actually 2 people i was seeing. One was the guy who looks down on me, and the other who was just cool and open minded i think, who just looks like him. But all this time i was thinking they are the same guy.
Dreams are weird, many times they don't make any sort of sense. I know people write books on them maybe i should visit borders and check stuff out. Maybe that would be my new thing to be done this semester.
Anyway, till next time im outta this bitch!
Sick since Sunday, and tommorow is school!
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Sunday, January 13, 2008
I been starving myself lately
I remember back in high school id starve myself and not eat properly, it was a reason for why i was so skinny. The reason for doing that was laziness. I hate cooking, so when my mom wouldnt cook for me i just wouldnt eat. Lately i been doing the same thing and i know exactly why.
This laziness comes from lack of motivation and absense of things to look forward to. I remember when i was a 8 year old kid back in my country, id always be so excited about things, id look forward to coming home, finishing up my homework, and then going outside to play with my friends. Life was so exciting, eventhough it was confusing at times, but i loved it! I loved hanging outside, i loved talking with friends and enjoying our night out, i loved having a friend over and prank calling folks, i loved so many things and had some sort of motivation for getting things done. Back then id still starve myself but it was for a different reason, my moms cooking. Shed cook some nasty ass russian meals that were popular back home like "borsh". OMG if there is anything that is utterly disgusting, its that nasty ass soup, i dont know why Jewish families would cook that garbage and i didnt understand why i had to eat it when i really really hated the taste, smell, and just even knowing that its being cooked. I remember waiting for my mom to leave the kitchen, shed either go outside or in another room, then id take that plate of borsh and pour it down the toilet. Sometimes id forget to flush so id get a real bad ass whooping with a belt. But other then that some days id rather have been starving then to eat such nasty food.
Today however its a different reason for me starving myself. Im lazy, and have nothing to look forward to. Like right now its 4pm and i started to eat breakfast at 3:33, i woke up at around 12. I have nothing to look forward to when i wake up, no friend to hang out with on the regular, no girlfriend to get with, not even someone i can call on the phone and chit chat, its trully pathetic. But i do have some friends we just not that close, or for some strange reason everytime i try getting close there is always something in the way. Like they either dont return the phone call for long ass time, if they return it at all, or they busy, or they said theyd call and well get together but they didnt, its really odd, feels like people either afraid of me or maybe they like me and afraid to call. Another thing is maybe im doing something wrong, like i met this girl (friend) and told her we should see a movie together-I Am Legend. So when the movie came out i didnt call her cuz we had finals, then she told me she saw it w/ someone else and implied that i didnt call when it came out. I thought it was a bad timing to call for a movie when
we all studying for finals, oh well. My fault but hey im learning im not good at this stuff, gotta learn to crawl before i walk, taking small steps.
I was planning on going to the beach today and here i am typing in this blog. Its like this everyday, most plans i make i just end up staying home starving myself.
It just pisses me off that people with friends, girlfriends, families have such a nice and exciting life and people like me have more and more problems as a result of their loneliness. Its crazy man, and it pisses me off even more when those people with lots of things look down on people like me and call me a loser, then go complain about their problems how "my girl is driving me crazy". Bitch are you serious?! you got a girlfriend problems, i wish i had them! Anyway, im gonna go write out a list for my trip to a grocery store and work on part 2 of my "Everywhere I go at some point i wanna get away" topic.
This laziness comes from lack of motivation and absense of things to look forward to. I remember when i was a 8 year old kid back in my country, id always be so excited about things, id look forward to coming home, finishing up my homework, and then going outside to play with my friends. Life was so exciting, eventhough it was confusing at times, but i loved it! I loved hanging outside, i loved talking with friends and enjoying our night out, i loved having a friend over and prank calling folks, i loved so many things and had some sort of motivation for getting things done. Back then id still starve myself but it was for a different reason, my moms cooking. Shed cook some nasty ass russian meals that were popular back home like "borsh". OMG if there is anything that is utterly disgusting, its that nasty ass soup, i dont know why Jewish families would cook that garbage and i didnt understand why i had to eat it when i really really hated the taste, smell, and just even knowing that its being cooked. I remember waiting for my mom to leave the kitchen, shed either go outside or in another room, then id take that plate of borsh and pour it down the toilet. Sometimes id forget to flush so id get a real bad ass whooping with a belt. But other then that some days id rather have been starving then to eat such nasty food.
Today however its a different reason for me starving myself. Im lazy, and have nothing to look forward to. Like right now its 4pm and i started to eat breakfast at 3:33, i woke up at around 12. I have nothing to look forward to when i wake up, no friend to hang out with on the regular, no girlfriend to get with, not even someone i can call on the phone and chit chat, its trully pathetic. But i do have some friends we just not that close, or for some strange reason everytime i try getting close there is always something in the way. Like they either dont return the phone call for long ass time, if they return it at all, or they busy, or they said theyd call and well get together but they didnt, its really odd, feels like people either afraid of me or maybe they like me and afraid to call. Another thing is maybe im doing something wrong, like i met this girl (friend) and told her we should see a movie together-I Am Legend. So when the movie came out i didnt call her cuz we had finals, then she told me she saw it w/ someone else and implied that i didnt call when it came out. I thought it was a bad timing to call for a movie when
we all studying for finals, oh well. My fault but hey im learning im not good at this stuff, gotta learn to crawl before i walk, taking small steps.
I was planning on going to the beach today and here i am typing in this blog. Its like this everyday, most plans i make i just end up staying home starving myself.
It just pisses me off that people with friends, girlfriends, families have such a nice and exciting life and people like me have more and more problems as a result of their loneliness. Its crazy man, and it pisses me off even more when those people with lots of things look down on people like me and call me a loser, then go complain about their problems how "my girl is driving me crazy". Bitch are you serious?! you got a girlfriend problems, i wish i had them! Anyway, im gonna go write out a list for my trip to a grocery store and work on part 2 of my "Everywhere I go at some point i wanna get away" topic.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
I been smoking every day, shit is ridiculous
I been puffing that ganja every day for the last 2 weeks or so and my throat cant take this shit much longer. Im caughing constantly now, i think its trying to clear itself from all that crap i been feeding my system and im not giving it a chance.
I went to visit my cousin, he smokes all the time so i smoke with him, we been going through weed likes its nothing and thats the most i probably smoked in such a short period of time. Then i come back home i got some left so i smoke that, then before i know it my soon to be cousin comes from Maryland and he gets high too so we smoke together a few times. Even to fall a sleep i took a few hits last night.
Today is different though, im taking a break for at least today and hopefully a few more days, depends on how i feel. My mission is to get high before i go out somewhere (even though it was to stay high throughout the entire break before school starts) like shopping, school, clubs, etc.. I'm gonna pretend like i have confidence, thats my new goal, plus combine it with weed. I think the effect is gonna be very strong and positive.
I'm trying to do this cuz of the whole "fake it till you make it" saying. I really wanna get that down, fake confidence until i get some. Everyday before i go out ill be like "CONFIDENCE!", walk up straight, look people in their eyes on the street, say whats up, talk clear and with resonense.
Let's see what happens...
I went to visit my cousin, he smokes all the time so i smoke with him, we been going through weed likes its nothing and thats the most i probably smoked in such a short period of time. Then i come back home i got some left so i smoke that, then before i know it my soon to be cousin comes from Maryland and he gets high too so we smoke together a few times. Even to fall a sleep i took a few hits last night.
Today is different though, im taking a break for at least today and hopefully a few more days, depends on how i feel. My mission is to get high before i go out somewhere (even though it was to stay high throughout the entire break before school starts) like shopping, school, clubs, etc.. I'm gonna pretend like i have confidence, thats my new goal, plus combine it with weed. I think the effect is gonna be very strong and positive.
I'm trying to do this cuz of the whole "fake it till you make it" saying. I really wanna get that down, fake confidence until i get some. Everyday before i go out ill be like "CONFIDENCE!", walk up straight, look people in their eyes on the street, say whats up, talk clear and with resonense.
Let's see what happens...
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Everywhere I go at some point i wanna get away
as in get the fuck out of the school im in, city im in, state im in and go somewhere where i can start fresh. where people will forget me and never see me again, and i will come to a place where everyone will know me as the new me whoever that i want to be. this is how i feel a lot and always have since childhood.
i experiment a lot, so id come to a new place and start to act happy, outgoing, then after being this happy, outgoing guy i realize im just being weird and faking my state of happiness, then i become this quiet depressed dude and many people see me as a different guy. i think that has a lot to do with my childhood. i was thinking about this too, all this talk about having a father, and having some males to look up to. when i was born both of my grand fathers were dead, one was dead a while back because of some liver failure and the other died 10 days after my birth. i heard he was a really happy guy and was dying to be my grandpa, but he never had the chance.
anyway when i was growing up it was really hard for me as a kid. i grew up on a russian culture in Uzbekistan, my family is jewish but you know back there everyone who was white would claim he russian because of discrimination against jews. there are Uzbeks, Russians, Jews, some Koreans, and other (i saw a few jamaicans when i was a kid but i think they were just visiting). Uzbeks hated jews, russians hated jews, so all the jews would just say im russian to hide and shit. I never experienced racism growing up but thats what my mom told me that everyone hates jews. Me and my cousin who i saw recently grew up in 2 different neighborhoods. The one i grew up in was shitty but it wasnt bad, i say shitty because it was located right next to this school. schools back in my country work a little differently. here in America there is kindergarden, Elementary School, Middle School, and High School. But back in my country you first go to kindergarden, and then Elementary, Middle, and High Schools are all merged into one. it was grades 1-10 all merged into one school, so you know the oldest and toughest guys run shit while the young n's work their way up the ladder. i lived next to exclusively Uzbek school all my life as a kid. I was exposed to some violence as a kid, my first time i got jumped by 2 Uzbek kids was when i was 8. I remember my grandma was walking me from school and talking to her friend. She wasnt paying attention to me so i ran waaaaaaaaaay ahead of her out of sight. 2 kids my age stopped me asking for a pencil, but i just misunderstood them, they were speaking uzbek and one of the kids pushed me. i barely remember but it was just weird, i honestly did not know what to do or say, i was like what are they doing and why? that was my first time, then i was like damn that was scary and i never told no one just like always.
I saw fights around school, muslims (uzbeks) would come and try to mess with russians or whites thinking they russian. one time a kid was staring at me from the school's window mean mugging me and i was like wtf do i do? so i mean mug back and he was like pointing with his finger like come down here ill fight you, so i just did the same and pretended to walk tawards the school but once i was out of sight i just walked around.
So anyway that was my neighborhood, it was not so pleasant but i never thought it was bad. I hated it because every morning when i go to school, i was the only white kid on the street, and everybody else muslim, all the muslims go to their school thats next to my house, and im going to my school which is the opposite. So id be going against traffic of a muslim army every morning, i felt really nervous and out of place, and never talked about this with anyone.
me and him were talking about this and i was like damn, its not really about rich or poor, black or white, ghetto or suburb, this whole fuking earth is all about being soft or tough, Darwinism theory. every city of every country is the same shit, some kids either grow up like me, away from any sort of male role models, around women, or just in a place with not many kids, and some children grow up like my cousin, in a neighborhood with street kids, learning from the oldest boys about life and manhood, how to handle yourself in a street, how to live facing your fears, etc.. all that street shit. but i know even in these sort of areas there are mothers who protect their children from street kids so its tough on the child if he dont have a good father or any other male role models to look up to.
when i grew up in my neighborhood i was always confused about a lot of things, i had not one male who would school me on ANYTHING in my entire childhood and even adulthood. so when id walk by the muslim school i lived next to id be walking fast cuz i remember seeing these Uzbek boys who looked tough looking like trouble, as a kid i thought they were bad guys, same when id see a gang of street kids, usually uzbeks. i was like man they look up to no good and they are some messed up people. now i look back and its like, they all grow up together, and you know, those type of kids turn into street kids, but kids like me who grow up around girls and guys who are the same age, turn into sort of confused people who learn all the basic stuff later on in their life, the things street kids learn in the street at a young age. so if i grew up like my cousin id probably be close to him, i would still be a soft guy i think id just be more sure on where im going and about life and stuff.
my cousin he grew up fighting, doing drugs, he was in a gang, he knew everyone, had friends in juve, later on had friends in jail, hed have connections, his neighborhood was considered bad and it was a lot of Koreans who run in packs, and all know martial arts. they go around jacking people, get into fights, he was basically getting schooled by a lot of street kids on how to be a real man, to fight, be a tough guy, do drugs, have fun, talk to girls, have sex, etc.. but for me i didnt even know what marijuana was until i was about 15 i think. i was sort of scared of everything, the things mom told me about to stay away from made me feel odd about life and scared of many things.
but i do remember when i went to my own school, there were lots of russians, some jews, koreans, and uzbeks. every morning when id walk to school id see a group of boys gathered around, so id just walk up, shake everyones hand and then we all talk. every morning it could be the same spot, then one morning the leader of the group, the cool guy,
would be like "hey lets stand over there" and the location would switch. that was like that
every morning before classes. and when i left that environment i came to America, shit was really rough for me.
id beg God every day when i was back home to let us come to US. cuz i remember we were gonna go to Israel because it was easier and we had relatives there. but i didnt want to go to Israel and prayed to God all the time it wouldnt happen. so when we found out we got accepted to America i was soooooo excited i was like "yeah man, finally, im gonna get away, form this shitty ass neighborhood, from this shitty ass school, im tired of this life. im gonna go to America and be a new, cool guy that everyone loves" when i came here it was sooooo different. Everything cool back home was corny here. i remember i brought this BMW jacket and it was like the most coolest jacket back home, id worry about wearing it because id hear about how some street kids would take it from me, but i wore it anyway a few times here and there and all the guys at my school was like "damn thats a cool jacket". i came here i had people laugh at me, and then i remember i had these cool red snickers. back there it was fucking stylish i never even wore em cuz i saved them for a special occasion. here guys would shake their head and laugh seeing me wear the shoes. and also it took me like 2 years to learn English so id spend 2 years avoiding people. and all the white Americans, Black Americans, and even Asian Americans all looked cool to me, and they all seemed like they found their place and shit, and i was confused lil kid feeling out of place, like i was different from everyone, and everyone was cool and i was not. i developed inferiority complex disorder from that experience.
I went straight to a High School when me and my fam arrived here in California. I had a few girls trying to talk to me but id pretend id speak English, even though i didnt, and give
short answers, and felt really stupid. by the time i learned English i was avoiding people
left and right, it was like a program. then i developed a strong hate for russian people and their
culture. This dude was helping me my first 2 years of high school, and he was all taking me here, taking me there around school, showing me stuff, you know "schooling me" on how things are. but the dude turned out to be an asshole user who harrassed me later on and threaten me, and didnt teach me anything in the end just confuse me more about shit. so i was like wtf? why is it the same shit everywhere? i was back home i dealt with these russian idiots, here its the same. so i thought fuck all russians theyre all fucked up. and you know i had a background, i grew up around it, and i started to almost hate myself with being associated with the russian culture. i refused to speak the language, i told my mom that ill only speak English to her. it was crazy, i pretended like i was American cuz i didnt want anyone to think where i was from, i was ashamed, it was self-hate at its finest. i started hating my skin tone, i was disgusted with my paliness, i got jumped one time in high school and it really fucked me up mentally but i recovered after about a week.
thats its for now. im tired as fuck been getting high off my ass, im gonna go to sleep or play ace combat. maybe ill write part 2 next time.
i experiment a lot, so id come to a new place and start to act happy, outgoing, then after being this happy, outgoing guy i realize im just being weird and faking my state of happiness, then i become this quiet depressed dude and many people see me as a different guy. i think that has a lot to do with my childhood. i was thinking about this too, all this talk about having a father, and having some males to look up to. when i was born both of my grand fathers were dead, one was dead a while back because of some liver failure and the other died 10 days after my birth. i heard he was a really happy guy and was dying to be my grandpa, but he never had the chance.
anyway when i was growing up it was really hard for me as a kid. i grew up on a russian culture in Uzbekistan, my family is jewish but you know back there everyone who was white would claim he russian because of discrimination against jews. there are Uzbeks, Russians, Jews, some Koreans, and other (i saw a few jamaicans when i was a kid but i think they were just visiting). Uzbeks hated jews, russians hated jews, so all the jews would just say im russian to hide and shit. I never experienced racism growing up but thats what my mom told me that everyone hates jews. Me and my cousin who i saw recently grew up in 2 different neighborhoods. The one i grew up in was shitty but it wasnt bad, i say shitty because it was located right next to this school. schools back in my country work a little differently. here in America there is kindergarden, Elementary School, Middle School, and High School. But back in my country you first go to kindergarden, and then Elementary, Middle, and High Schools are all merged into one. it was grades 1-10 all merged into one school, so you know the oldest and toughest guys run shit while the young n's work their way up the ladder. i lived next to exclusively Uzbek school all my life as a kid. I was exposed to some violence as a kid, my first time i got jumped by 2 Uzbek kids was when i was 8. I remember my grandma was walking me from school and talking to her friend. She wasnt paying attention to me so i ran waaaaaaaaaay ahead of her out of sight. 2 kids my age stopped me asking for a pencil, but i just misunderstood them, they were speaking uzbek and one of the kids pushed me. i barely remember but it was just weird, i honestly did not know what to do or say, i was like what are they doing and why? that was my first time, then i was like damn that was scary and i never told no one just like always.
I saw fights around school, muslims (uzbeks) would come and try to mess with russians or whites thinking they russian. one time a kid was staring at me from the school's window mean mugging me and i was like wtf do i do? so i mean mug back and he was like pointing with his finger like come down here ill fight you, so i just did the same and pretended to walk tawards the school but once i was out of sight i just walked around.
So anyway that was my neighborhood, it was not so pleasant but i never thought it was bad. I hated it because every morning when i go to school, i was the only white kid on the street, and everybody else muslim, all the muslims go to their school thats next to my house, and im going to my school which is the opposite. So id be going against traffic of a muslim army every morning, i felt really nervous and out of place, and never talked about this with anyone.
- I grew up in this apartment complex that had 10 apartments. There were 2 guys and 3 girls i hung out with, all the kids were around my age. We were like a cliq, but it was all we had. No older men, no street kids, just us 3 clueless guys and 3 girls.
- my cousin though, he grew up in the most dangerous neighborhood in the city, at least thats what he says but i believe him, its called Kuyluk 5. I visited his hood when i was a kid a few times and it looked like a project building, like a bunch of 5 storie houses all put together on one block radius. it wasnt a poor area though. he told me that back then it was communism so the government supplied all the people with a free apartment but make people pay for gas and electric bills. so there were poor people and rich people in his hood, cuz its different back there then in this country. He grew around street kids, learning how to talk to other street kids, all the guys who schooled him and taught him how to fight, how to talk to girls, etc.. were all older then him. say my cousin was 12, all the old guys he learned from were 18, 19, 20, and over.
me and him were talking about this and i was like damn, its not really about rich or poor, black or white, ghetto or suburb, this whole fuking earth is all about being soft or tough, Darwinism theory. every city of every country is the same shit, some kids either grow up like me, away from any sort of male role models, around women, or just in a place with not many kids, and some children grow up like my cousin, in a neighborhood with street kids, learning from the oldest boys about life and manhood, how to handle yourself in a street, how to live facing your fears, etc.. all that street shit. but i know even in these sort of areas there are mothers who protect their children from street kids so its tough on the child if he dont have a good father or any other male role models to look up to.
when i grew up in my neighborhood i was always confused about a lot of things, i had not one male who would school me on ANYTHING in my entire childhood and even adulthood. so when id walk by the muslim school i lived next to id be walking fast cuz i remember seeing these Uzbek boys who looked tough looking like trouble, as a kid i thought they were bad guys, same when id see a gang of street kids, usually uzbeks. i was like man they look up to no good and they are some messed up people. now i look back and its like, they all grow up together, and you know, those type of kids turn into street kids, but kids like me who grow up around girls and guys who are the same age, turn into sort of confused people who learn all the basic stuff later on in their life, the things street kids learn in the street at a young age. so if i grew up like my cousin id probably be close to him, i would still be a soft guy i think id just be more sure on where im going and about life and stuff.
my cousin he grew up fighting, doing drugs, he was in a gang, he knew everyone, had friends in juve, later on had friends in jail, hed have connections, his neighborhood was considered bad and it was a lot of Koreans who run in packs, and all know martial arts. they go around jacking people, get into fights, he was basically getting schooled by a lot of street kids on how to be a real man, to fight, be a tough guy, do drugs, have fun, talk to girls, have sex, etc.. but for me i didnt even know what marijuana was until i was about 15 i think. i was sort of scared of everything, the things mom told me about to stay away from made me feel odd about life and scared of many things.
but i do remember when i went to my own school, there were lots of russians, some jews, koreans, and uzbeks. every morning when id walk to school id see a group of boys gathered around, so id just walk up, shake everyones hand and then we all talk. every morning it could be the same spot, then one morning the leader of the group, the cool guy,
would be like "hey lets stand over there" and the location would switch. that was like that
every morning before classes. and when i left that environment i came to America, shit was really rough for me.
id beg God every day when i was back home to let us come to US. cuz i remember we were gonna go to Israel because it was easier and we had relatives there. but i didnt want to go to Israel and prayed to God all the time it wouldnt happen. so when we found out we got accepted to America i was soooooo excited i was like "yeah man, finally, im gonna get away, form this shitty ass neighborhood, from this shitty ass school, im tired of this life. im gonna go to America and be a new, cool guy that everyone loves" when i came here it was sooooo different. Everything cool back home was corny here. i remember i brought this BMW jacket and it was like the most coolest jacket back home, id worry about wearing it because id hear about how some street kids would take it from me, but i wore it anyway a few times here and there and all the guys at my school was like "damn thats a cool jacket". i came here i had people laugh at me, and then i remember i had these cool red snickers. back there it was fucking stylish i never even wore em cuz i saved them for a special occasion. here guys would shake their head and laugh seeing me wear the shoes. and also it took me like 2 years to learn English so id spend 2 years avoiding people. and all the white Americans, Black Americans, and even Asian Americans all looked cool to me, and they all seemed like they found their place and shit, and i was confused lil kid feeling out of place, like i was different from everyone, and everyone was cool and i was not. i developed inferiority complex disorder from that experience.
I went straight to a High School when me and my fam arrived here in California. I had a few girls trying to talk to me but id pretend id speak English, even though i didnt, and give
short answers, and felt really stupid. by the time i learned English i was avoiding people
left and right, it was like a program. then i developed a strong hate for russian people and their
culture. This dude was helping me my first 2 years of high school, and he was all taking me here, taking me there around school, showing me stuff, you know "schooling me" on how things are. but the dude turned out to be an asshole user who harrassed me later on and threaten me, and didnt teach me anything in the end just confuse me more about shit. so i was like wtf? why is it the same shit everywhere? i was back home i dealt with these russian idiots, here its the same. so i thought fuck all russians theyre all fucked up. and you know i had a background, i grew up around it, and i started to almost hate myself with being associated with the russian culture. i refused to speak the language, i told my mom that ill only speak English to her. it was crazy, i pretended like i was American cuz i didnt want anyone to think where i was from, i was ashamed, it was self-hate at its finest. i started hating my skin tone, i was disgusted with my paliness, i got jumped one time in high school and it really fucked me up mentally but i recovered after about a week.
thats its for now. im tired as fuck been getting high off my ass, im gonna go to sleep or play ace combat. maybe ill write part 2 next time.
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