i had a huge panic attack last night

im barely doing homework for my classes, my fam made me a deal that if i failed the test i just took i gotta move out, im worried what will happen to me. what am i gonna do when i graduate? will i graduate? im not good at anything in particular. i applied to 3 internships and 2 didnt want me, the 3rd there is still no reply and i have a feeling its the same rejection phase. i have no close friends, will i always be this way? plus on top of that im not taking care of myself, not eating right, not showering enough. most times id just take a shower every 2-3 days.

couldnt sleep last night thinking about all of this, plus this weird clicking noise just wouldnt go away every 30 secs or so. turns out its this cheap computer chair so i put it outside and the noise stopped. but when the chair was in my room the noise would jump from chair to deks to walls. is that thing possessed? im gonna get rid of it either way its such a crappy chair plus its already broken anyway.

i had 5 hours of sleep. get to work and it turns out im 1 hour early. i clearly remember they said 10:30 on the phone but i guess they changed the time. i even put it in my cell phone. im getting a new phone service hopefully this week.

I put an end to my 30 day drug-free program yesterday

i been hanging out with my female friend for the last 2 days. We hung out on Friday after school, and Saturday all day. it's kinda weird becuz i thought after we watched the movie shed leave but she stayed. we just chilled, watch movies and talk. yesterday though we got high, so my 30 day drug-free program is over. been clean since March 14 thats 6 weeks without smoking any pot.

she's the closest person to me right now. i told her that and she was surprised. either way we are so much alike it's scary. she's like the female version of me who doesnt like to be around people all the time.

it's 3:30 in the morning and i cant sleep

i finally decided not to do my obe tonight and get some sleep and the irony is that I CANT SLEEP! been laying in this piece of shit bed for an hour crying and shit. i am not even gonna lie i am real lonely, so lonely its pathetic. i dont know why i did this but i called up my female friend cuz i was gonna invite her over this week since i have a house to myself. then she picks up telling me shes talking to her friend and that shes at his house. then shes like "ill call you after im done talking", after i hung up i was like damn... they fucking tonight. i got real depressed after that, real depressed. so depressed i had tears building up in my eyes. i am real jealous of seeing people live, it kills me deep down inside. i just keep hearing all these stories of peoples experiences, and then when i hear somebody tell me similar shit i have nothing relate to but some story i heard another person said. its really weird, instead of being like ... "yeah, i had this and i did that" im like oh yeah my friend did this and went there. i mean what the fuck!!

and im ashamed, ashamed of who i am, ashamed of how i feel, ashamed what ive become over the years, probably will be ashamed of what ill turn into next. the first time my mom caught me jerking off i was ashamed, she made me feel ashamed by telling me im gonna go insane if i keep doing it, i did it anyway feeling ashamed. i tried giving money to homeless when i was a kid my mom made me feel ashamed again, i went out to school every morning my mom taught me to give my money to street kids if i get approached, made me feel ashamed again. i dont know, if there was one word to describe how i feel all the time it would be ashamed. i do things then i look back feeling ashamed. like if i dance at a club then go home thinking about everybody watching me dance id feel ashamed, its weird. thats why i hate taking pictures.

im afraid to invite anybody into my world, thats why im not really willing to talk to women or anybody. i have no fucking world, i have no lifestyle, and people get bored of me easily. i feel like FUCK EVERYBODY almost every day. i dont wanna be bothered, im tired of opening up to people, tired of being vulnerable. the same people who teach me shit are the same taking advantage of me, its disgusting and i dont know how to tell who is who. the same person who is all cool with me could be the same one behind all the schemes and plans on getting me played. i either hate people or hate myself for not knowing how to deal with them. fuck this blog too, thats why i havent been on it and dont feel like sharing my life with anyone. im tired of ignorance, racism, idiocy, hate, drama, dumb bitches, same sluts who talk about 'im a good person' but shed fuck a bad ass mother fucker in a heart beat who kills people for a living. people are fucking retarded but sadly im part of this human race and i dont know how long im gonna be here suffering. i cant even get close enough to my own family, how fucked up is that? whatever, im fucking done. i gotta work in the morning fuck everybody and everything. i hate selfish people with passion, infact next time i see a selfish person im gonna ignore the shit outta him. dont wanna deal with that fake ass fraud ever again, smile-in-your-face-but-stab-you-in-your-back or it could be the my-word-also-dont-mean-shit type of loser. stay the fuck away from me! youre the scum of this planet i really hope you get that same treatment some day.

I can relate to prison conditions in more ways then i can imagine

today we were watching a movie in my class about a custodian facility. movie was called Tattooed Tears and this one part hit me pretty hard. This dude was locked up in a cell all isolated. the guards put him there because he attempted to commit suicide so he was on suicide watch. so hes sitting in that bitch with a towel wrapped around the bars so that no one can open the cell door. and then the guard says "why you cutting yourself? blah blah blah" and said something about him getting out so the kid is like "i aint getting out, thats what you all told me. so what's the point of just sittin here?". then the guard goes... 'now you gonna have to be taken on a trip to a hospital and back' and the kid goes "good, at least it's gonna be some excitment" and the guard goes.... "excitment for who?" and the kid says "for me! sitting in this cell for 30 something hours straight, etc, etc.."

that scene right there is classic. man i been doing the same shit for so long i have no idea what it's like to do something out of the ordinary, which is exactly what he said somewhere in that scene; doing something out of the ordinary. school work home, school work home, school work home, i been doing this shit for so long i dont know how to do anything else. whenever i get out and go to some club it's like.. i get lost in all this shit and don't know what to do or how to act. i cant even get an excitement when i go out to a supposedly exciting place, it's crazy. the inmates who get out probably go through the same shit, but this is different.. i'm not in prison, i'm free, yet my condition is that of a prisoner.

at least my fam is gone for the entire week i got the house all to myself. i'm gonna invite my female friend, watch a movie and get high in the backyard. i dont know what else to do but i studied my ass off for the test and i feel real confident about it, i hope i get a B. if i get a D i'm gonna shoot myself.

i found an iPhone today

found it at my college campus. played with its functions, its cool as shit! never held one before. then the owner left a message on it, called her back but it was a pay phone. tried calling the # she left but it was an answering machine. then some dude called said hes her b/f. he met me when i was eating and gave me $40 in exchange.

I don't feel like talking to anybody

Today i don't wanna talk to anyone! Since i woke up at 6:40am i been feeling this way. Maybe its cuz i havent gotten enough sleep for the last 2 days but i feel like this a lot. Just go everywhere alone without wanting to talk to no one. I dont know why but i always felt that way. And every time i chose to talk to someone its like im looking for something, either a friendship, or maybe sex, or some sort of connection, but the funny thing is when i want that thing it never happens so i despise talking to people. Feels like there is no point of conversating if im not gonna get anything out of it.

I either want everything, or nothing at all and i know thats extreme but i dont know how to stop wanting either of these 2. Thats why i end up not wanting to talk to anyone and just spend my time alone.

It's weird, and i dont know why im like this but its a big part of me. Being socially awkward, wanting something yet when trying to get it by socializing realizing i cant because i dont know how to ask for it. Then i get depressed and seclude myself from everyone, even those who claim they understand me 100% when they never experienced it themselves. Makes me feel like im alone, all alone on this big fucking planet without anyone to relate to. Then i see these fucking videos on BET and MTV with all these happy people smiling, partying, socializing and shit. Makes me so envious and angry inside, its like my insides start to boil. I hate those fucking videos! Thats why i havent been watching them for the last 3 months or so, its disgusting, makes me sick to my stomach. Seeing that perfect world filled with happiness and fun. And all those dumb ass ignorant rappers like Fat Joe keep saying stupid shit like "and when they see you on top, they wanna hate". what the fuck? are you retarded? you on tv throwing all that pussy, money, and fun in my face, to the point of bragging that you have all that shit and then you want people to respect you for it? FUCK YOU! GO TO HELL YOU FAT PIECE OF SHIT!! if you dont want people hating on you maybe you should stop throwing all that shit in peoples faces, bragging about all the shit you do and how you live. dumb fuck! i feel that way sometimes about all the rappers who do the same shit, its like get the fuck outta my face i dont wanna see all that bullshit you claim you live, its probably fake anyway.

OH SHIT! MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT FUCKING 3 INCH MASQUITO WAS RIGHT HERE FLYING IN MY ROOM! I DONT KNOW HOW IT GOT INSIDE BUT I KILLED THAT PIECE OF SHIT. OH GOD I FUCKING HATE INSECTS!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I FUCKING HATE THESE CUNTS WHY THEY MAKE ME GO THROUGH THIS BULLSHIT! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME YOU FUCKING DUMB FUCKS? I AM SICK OF YOUR BULLSHIT ASS RULES AND YOUR BULLSHIT ASS WAYS! I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIVING IN THIS PIECE OF SHIT INSECT INFESTED HOUSE! I DO NOT WANT TO BE WALKING INTO A BATHROOM JUST TO TAKE A PISS TO HAVE FLIES FLY INTO MY EYES FORCING ME TO HUNT THEM DOWN LIKE IM SOME TARZAN IN A JUNGLE. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? NO WONDER PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF WHITE FOLKS LOOK AT HOW YOU LIVE! YOU LIVE IN A FUCKING HOUSE WHEN YOU RESEMBLE A FUCKING ANIMAL HAVING FLIES AND BUGS ALL OVER YOU. MOTHER FUCKER I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY AM I HERE? WHY CANT I GET THE FUCK OUTTA THIS SHIT HOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!