I really feel like everybody i consider a "friend" got hundreds, if not thousands of friends themselves, and i'm just an accessory or some sort of a buddy to them. Even if they care for me and want to have a relationship with me, they still got their own lives and only contact me when got a little bit of time and just wanna touch bases.
Like my female friend, who btw flaked on me last sunday after making plans on going to the beach. she probably got guys she dates on the weekly bases, getting her fuck on, and just enjoys her life. My gay guy friend is doing the same bullshit. He helped me to buy a whole bunch of interview clothes which i am very grateful for. He said i actually look hot for the first time and my old clothes had no style. But he already fucked 8 guys since we came to LA, 8 fucking guys! wholy shit that's within 2 weeks? no homo but he can make that happen. I can't even imagine how many guys my female friend can fuck if she wanted to. it's like everybody is creating their reality and building their life but me. And the only reason me and my homeboy are friends is cuz he's gay and i told him that. A selfish ass dude like him would never, ever, EVER stick around me if he was straight. He'd be too busy chasing pussy and only caring about himself. I'm too boring for straight guys who'd probably laugh at me knowing my life problems. He invited me to a "mixer" but by the time we made it there it was already over. Either way, it was his world, his life. It was him trying to promote his upcoming album. And I had no clue how to socialize so he was like "just stick by me and do what i do". But that never even happened.
I really really REALLY feel alone. like me and my female friend text back and forth but it's so fucking random and so fucking stretched out. I could get a text in the morning, reply in 30 mins, then not get another one for 8 hours or even in 1 or 2 days. Which shows me she is busy with her life like work, friends, fun, sex, parties, etc.. I really don't know what to do. I mean i am looking for work and got some interviews lined up but what will i do if i find work? I just dont know what to do and shit.
That's why i mediate. Meditation is the only thing i can think of that could help me in the long run because i'll be able to reach the Masters in different dimensions and they could guide me and help me with my problems. To some people it may seem like some fairy tale but meditation has no limits and i believe in that. It just takes a lot of hard work and practice to reach such levels. But meanwhile i really feel like i need some sort of company or social gathering/circle cuz i feel like there is an emptiness in my soul that hasn't been filled since my childhood. And it all has to do with me being human and not having enough people in my life. Maybe it's the lack of sex, the lack of love, or both. I dont fucking know. But it is something like that cuz thinking about and seeing people together makes me wanna cry sometimes. Like they there, and i'm here. They there enjoying life and living it, and i'm here existing in my misery.
I kinda try not to talk about personal shit on my blog anymore and keep it spiritual or whatever new stuff i get into, but it's hard cuz i got days like these and it hurts like a bitch. Hurts so bad my eyes get watery and i wanna cry. But i do got alotta shit to do today to prepare for my 2 interviews tomorrow so i'll go do that and relax after wards watching some youtube videos.
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