theyll find out that im a lonely person w/ out friends? I mean seriously, i dont think there is any "normal" woman, or a person, that would wanna stick around. Today i was planning on seeing I Am Legend with Will Smith but when i found out it comes out next month i got so fucking mad. Its like this was the ONLY plan i had for today, going to the movies by myself, and even THAT shit got ruined. What else is there? I dont go to events, i dont go to concerts, wtf else can i do to enjoy this fucking life? Damn...
then i went to Walgreens to get some candy and there was this fine ass girl right behind me in line and i thought of waiting for her outside and then talking a lil, maybe get her # but then i thought... WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT? she probably one of those girls who goes out every weekend, parties with her girls, has men approach her left and right, and there is me... this lonely, miserable fuck who has problems talking to people, and all this other shit im going through. Its like damn, i dont know what to do anymore but i think i need a shrink, just someone to talk to so ill feel better, not that it would help my social life just you know, talking to someone who can listen to me about my problems, thats it. Some sort of a fucking human contact where i would need nothing in return just someone who can listen to all this bullshit im going through.
Then on my way home i stopped by this place to get a salad and garlic bread and i saw this girl i met during the summer. She got a fiance and been trying to cheat on him with me but its like... i dont even know how to do that so shes probably all frustrated. I dont know, i guess i really dont understand women and afraid to make these offers to them, or when i do make offers i make them at the most inappropriate time. When me and her were on a bus stop she was like yeah me and my friends are going out blah blah but you know, i think im gonna go back home now its kinda cold, etc.. should i have asked her to come chill with me? i dont know... So i just chatted with her, took the same bus then told her to call me if she wanna hang out later on. She gave me this "this guy is clueless" laugh, it really made me feel like shit. Its like yeah, maybe i am clueless, it just really pisses me off. I already asked her one time that when i texted her over the phone if she wanna come through my place drink wine and watch a movie, she said maybe then was acting weird and stuff, then started texting me in some sort of language, or whatever it was.
Life really stinks man, seems like i have nowhere to go and nothing to do. And if i do my lonelyness gets the best of me. Its like all these people complaining about their problems have the basic needs, they got the social life, the sex life, and they know how to survive on their own. I got none of those and seeing them complain about BIGGER problems that i have YET TO GET TO makes me sad, depressed, and really really mad. Its like damn im struggling to get this basic shit you got already and you complaining about having a fight with your girlfriend? shit... i wish i had your problems. It really pisses me off when those type of people start looking down on me for whatever reason, like when a black man who has so much going for him look down on me cuz im white, like he hates me cuz im white thinking i got everything and that my skin color gives me privilege, yet he is so much better off then me he is too blind to even realize that.
Whatever... i was really really mad earlier but now im just sad as hell.. its like why? why am i here and most importantly... what do i do? what goals should i set? how do i get better? i have no fucking clue... and if i dont know... then who does?
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