ok, i been thinking about this shit lately and actually its always on my mind.
im living in a semi-hood area, we got some shootings here, some drugs here and there, but generally i dont think its that bad. there is gentrification going on, and these dumb ass politicians are trying to kick out all the black people on section 8 and its still considered not such a nice neighborhood. and you know, the way i feel about black people is weird as hell considering that im white.
its like... i wanna be here, in fact, fuck that.. i wanna be in an all black ghetto. its like, not that i wanna be living there cuz its cool and im this dumb ass brainwashed white dude who listens to too much gangsta rap, buts its more because of this feeling inside. its wierd but its like, i cant get rid of it. and ive tried in the past, cuz you know black people dont treat me that great sometimes. some look at me and be like 'psssttt', others just kinda look down on me, and there are a few who give me respect for whatever reason. so you know as a result i thought fuck that, im gonna go live in some suburb and leave everything behind and forget, but that love deep inside my chest wont go away.
there is this part in Malibu's Most Wanted where they take B-Rad to South Central, and then they bring him to an all black club there and they ask him "so how do you feel" and the dude goes.. "i feel... like im at home". so many people were probably watching that shit like its some joke but to me.. thats the exact feeling im talking about. its weird as shit and i only feel it for African Americans. i mean i aint a peoples person, i aint tough, i dont even know how to handle myself in the streets, and that gets me mad cuz im thinking will i ever be happy living away from all this ghetto culture that i love and want to be part of? its like i feel some sort of spiritual connection, but i know i cant be living in no ghetto with black folks without problems, lots of problems. i feel good just seeing people walk around and shit, its so fucking wierd. but anyway, the point i was getting to is... FUCK! i forgot..... anyway,
all i think about is places like South Bronx, Harlem, Queensbridge, ya know.. and its scary and shit, like i know id probably get harrassed there and tested, but its like i also cant stop fucking thinking about it!! its like, its always on my mind! and i had a black dude tell me one time "if you werent raised there you shouldnt try to help people in the ghetto", maybe he was right. i just dont know how to stop thinking about it and i dont know how to stop caring neither. was i born and got killed in one of those places my last lifetime? shit, i dont know.
um... but anyway, yeah.. its like if everything goes to plan ill be moving outta here in a few months and im just not sure where ill end up. cuz honestly, i dont even know how to survive on my own, having a 9-5, paying rent, and managing money and shit, i have no clue how id be able to find a place in some hood, where i can stay close, connected, and be able to help out the folks there.
3 comments:
well.............. don't know what to say man. do how you feel? to me, i feel at home living somewhere in the mountains or a place with a lot of trees not too far from a city. cause everytime i pass through somewhere like that, the calm comes into my system. when i'm in the city and whereever, my paranoia is on full effect. my defensives go up and i move through like i feel like i'm being threatened. nobody has fucked with me yet like say robbed me or shot at me although sometimes around here, folks be looking at me all weird like today, this one fucker was looking at me all weird like he was gonna see me later, for real. whatever BUT to me.. i ain't do shit to get that anyway. i do got a whole gangster personality in my head where i think about blasting folks though but ya know at the end of the day... its about where your head rests best at and if you dig the ghetto, roll with it. shits prolly a phase for you though. you prolly will be like fuck the hood when you get a wifey and kids and shit like that.
i feel you on that paranoia, its very real and i experience it all the time, even when im taking a bus. im paranoid to go down to a liquor store thinking them dudes posted up outside are out to get me and shit. i guess i hate the ghetto but i feel the need to be there and i love the people not the neighborhood.
im not saying i dig the ghetto im just attracted to the culture of its people, that culture that was formed ever since the days of slavery, you know..
i dont know, maybe ill always feel it, i just wont live in it. time will tell.
man..ok i just moved out the hood like a month ago. now i didnt ever live in the hoodest hood in my city...but its ok..and i can atest to what your saying..its like now that i live in the suburbs...something keeps pulling me right back in the hood...i dont kno if its just wanting to be around people like me..and of my race...or is it that i find the hood alot more interesting then the burbs...i cant put my finger on it...
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