and another thing i wanna add

i have never in my life met somebody like me who is successful. i have met a few successful people who came from nothing or had major issues at some point in their lives. but i have never ever ever met somebody with the same issues as me who is now a success.

will i always be fucked up?

when will this shit end? will i always be having these same issues till i die? am i destined to live my life in misery? shit! thinking about this makes me not wanna do anything, not wanna talk to anyone. feeling like fuck off to everybody and leave me alone. just wanna lock myself up in a room and live my life in there away from everybody.

damn. days like these is just a realization that im fucked. most times i just try not to think about it and keep my mind occupied with homework or video games. but then when i come out of that 'try-not-to-think-about-it' phase the reality hits. fuck! fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

i reunited with a few of my childhood friends but im afraid to even tell them my life. all of them got married and they asking me about my situation. and wtf can i tell them? their view of me being in America is like "wow, this guy is living the life." they all think i'm living that life all of them dream of living, but yet the reality is i am in the worse shape then they are. shit is just sad and depressing, and i thank you GOD that i got my weed. at least get high every weekend, if it wasnt for that what would i do? i used to cry about my life a lot, but then at some point i realized crying is not gonna solve anything so what's the point? i gotta do something but yet i don't know what. feels like im in a pit and there is no way of getting out. at least not in my situation, 28 years old still living with his mama. i don't know what to do, and i never did actually. it feels a 100 times harder to live the life i want to live when all my life i been cared for by my mother and nothing has been taught to me that has to do with living. and now my mom complains that i don't live. it pisses me off. sometimes i just wish i was naturally good at things like some people since birth. my uncle is like that. dude has no clue what is going on with me or never did. even after i told him some things he still clueless about how it's like to have fear of dumb shit and not be good at something naturally. i'm gonna call his ass probably this week. i dont know what else to say..

more music

a little high right now. been getting high every weekend cuz its the shiiiiiiit. so im adding more music from bet's onblast videos. this song i like even though i cant relate to it in any way




i hate this song but i love the beat. the song is retarded. i hate the stupid lyrics and all that in your face 'i got it and you dont' talk. FUCK YOU!!! but the beat is nice...



done with 32

I just wanna come here and say how socially awkward my mother is

so im a little high right now right. and for some reason when im high i am more in tuned with things around me. so i come out into the kitchen and her boyfriend is drying her hair haaaaaaaaaaaahhahahhahahahhaha so i was like ok man whatever said hi and kept it moving. threw out the trash and they tell me "we ate the ravilioli" i cooked. cuz i was cooking and right in the middle they came home brought me burrito. so they said theyll eat my stuff i cooked. back to the story. i say oh ok, and they say it was tasty or some shit i dont remember. then she goes

mom: how was burrito?
me: it was alright
mom: thank you
me: *puzzled like i am on planet Mars* for WHAT???
mom: for cooking ravilioli

oh man. i cant even express how socially awkward this sounds. how was burrito>it was alright>thank you. thank you for what????? for me eating a burrito or for cooking? if its for cooking then say it in order. this is why i hate talking to my mom. she brings this social awkwardness to me and punishes me when i reject it and ignore her. but rewards me when i uplift her for acting weird. wtf type of shit is that? and then she complains that i dont have many friends and that i need to live my life. as fucked up as it sounds, i think my mom is partially responsible for me having social problems and doing social awkward things in public. she didnt even fucking know what socially awkward meant until i brought it up yesterday! i get so fucking mad at this shit i dont wanna be around her or talk to her for months.

im gonna take a few more hits and go back playing wow.

this guy is histerical

hahahahahahahahaa

panic attack #2 - girl in my class

so today was a quiz, and i studied for it like crazy. could've studied harder but i knew about 70% of the material. then i get to class and its open notes/books. so anyway i like this girl in my class and then its like if i just sit there not really paying attention to anyone or her it's whatever, im calm. but once i see her and think to myself of coming up and talking to her or even knowing that i want to talk to her i get a huge panic attack. i think its that PTSD kicks in and i feel like i'm going through that street shit all over again.

its like when i used to be the old me i had fear just like everybody else. when i knew something bad was about to happen, the fear would kick in for that split second, then the fear would rise or cool down depending on the circumstances. and then if everything went back to normal and i knew i was safe fear would leave and id be back to being calm until the next time something bad would happen. but right now i feel that fear all the time under weird situations that arent even dangerous! i am so fucking frustrated i feel like taking a gun and blowing my brains out so that i can start this life all over again or not live at all. the fucked up thing about this is that when i talk to people i make them feel uneasy cuz im nervous, or i could even be straight scared or paranoid. like when a calm person talks to everyone, everybody loves him cuz he makes them feel calm. i know that people feel and pick up on vibes, especially women. and i been at this point where i dont wanna bring this fear to anyone so i just do my own thing and dont bother socializing. but i know i want to because i wanna have friends and create meaningful relationships.

i realize though that ill probably die with this fear and PTSD, but the only thing i need to do is just do whatever the fuck i want like coming up and talking to that girl or talking to whoever the fuck i wanna talk to. but i dont most of the time and i get depressed.

dream about a girl wanting to stab me

i dont remember most of the dream but we were all in some apartment in a room. it was a few women and me. and then there was this other girl there. this was back home in my country and i dont exactly know the rest of it (i should fucking write this down when i wake up but i got school now). anyway, we were all just hanging out and talking. and seems like all the girls were playing around with the other chick, and i was being mean. then at some point that 1 girl got mad, went into the bathroom, and closed the door behind her. I open the door and she had a big knife in her hand acting like she was about to stab me. then i was like look i was just playing with you blah blah. and i was about to start ducking and blocking her stabbing me. then the knife would turn from big to small, to medium. i think at the end she didnt stab me and i explained that i was playing around.

this sort of thing happens when im around people actually. when i try to play with somebody i end up being mean and not even realizing it, so i just stay quiet or at least try to be quiet cuz i know i do and say dumb shit that i dont even mean.