After going to a club...

I feel like a complete useless shit. Somebody who is a waste, or crippled. Somebody who has an invisible duck tape over his mouth and is unable to say what he wants or feels. And my friend left me there this time, i really got into dancing, drank 1 bear and was a lil high and they started playing one hip hop song here the other hip hop song there. I was feeling the vibe and started dancing, then dancing more, warming up, but then they start playing stupid music man, and i just went in and out, that sort of phase. Dancing not dancing, i dont know. Then by the time i got the text message i was like damn, i better go before im late for Bart.

Then when i get to a bus stop i get texted that my friend brought someone home and wants me to "do him a favor" i was like WHERE THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO GO? anyway, i was gonna go catch a bus and then sit outside till they finish but he called me before even bus came told me they finished. I was vexed, its like i swear i feel like a 12 year old watching adults do their thing, and then wanting to talk to me about it how they do it when they do it and with whom they do it. I REALLY no i mean REALLY hate talking about it, thinking it, or hearing it.

I dont know, maybe clubs are really not my thing. Maybe i should just stick with day time socializing. At that club i had 1 girl all over me, she was drunk ill admit, but i had absolutely NOTHING to say to her, my mind was BLANK! i told her she got some moves and she started telling me how much she loves madona asking me what type of music i listen to. I dont know, i guess it stemmed from not going out on the regular and not approaching and talking, or maybe from not trying new things. Anyway, if there is an ugly girl that nobody wants her in a club i would not be able to get her home, its that bad. It's almost like censorship, i got this weird inability to assert myself.

I thought i can learn something from my friend but he said "i told you im not gonna socialize w/ anybody, i might be in love. what would you do if you went to a club being in love?" i dont know maybe its cuz im high right now but i felt like its the equivalent to asking a 2 year old baby "what would you do to your wife after you marry her?".

anyway, damn i feel like im just putting a bunch of random thoughts in and each paragraph doesnt make sense, ahaha. whatever, its me spizzy jizzy. um, the bouncer let me in for $9 even though they charged $10, haha i rule.

OMG I ALMOST FORGOT!!! when we were walking to the club downtown, this one cute sister walking with her mom the opposite way right. so i look at her and she is checking me out! like a quick up and down im checking you out look. then i keep looking at her as im walking and they passing me to my left, then i start smilng and she TURNS and looks at me!! OH SHIT, THAT WAS THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY DAY! i managed to established eye contact and at least play the non-verbal game for once, damn. lol...

oh yeah and if you reading this and you got something bad to say? FUCK YOU! you dont like my blog? FUCK YOU! you gotta problem with the way i write it?? FUCK YOU!! anything else you got negative to contribute... FUUUUUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!!! FUCK YOU FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!

2 white fat chicks with a brother came in, and i leaned over and told one of them "both of you are fine as hell'. and if you got a problem with that then... FUCK YOU!!! BITCH!

What is the point of talking to women if eventually...

theyll find out that im a lonely person w/ out friends? I mean seriously, i dont think there is any "normal" woman, or a person, that would wanna stick around. Today i was planning on seeing I Am Legend with Will Smith but when i found out it comes out next month i got so fucking mad. Its like this was the ONLY plan i had for today, going to the movies by myself, and even THAT shit got ruined. What else is there? I dont go to events, i dont go to concerts, wtf else can i do to enjoy this fucking life? Damn...

then i went to Walgreens to get some candy and there was this fine ass girl right behind me in line and i thought of waiting for her outside and then talking a lil, maybe get her # but then i thought... WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT? she probably one of those girls who goes out every weekend, parties with her girls, has men approach her left and right, and there is me... this lonely, miserable fuck who has problems talking to people, and all this other shit im going through. Its like damn, i dont know what to do anymore but i think i need a shrink, just someone to talk to so ill feel better, not that it would help my social life just you know, talking to someone who can listen to me about my problems, thats it. Some sort of a fucking human contact where i would need nothing in return just someone who can listen to all this bullshit im going through.

Then on my way home i stopped by this place to get a salad and garlic bread and i saw this girl i met during the summer. She got a fiance and been trying to cheat on him with me but its like... i dont even know how to do that so shes probably all frustrated. I dont know, i guess i really dont understand women and afraid to make these offers to them, or when i do make offers i make them at the most inappropriate time. When me and her were on a bus stop she was like yeah me and my friends are going out blah blah but you know, i think im gonna go back home now its kinda cold, etc.. should i have asked her to come chill with me? i dont know... So i just chatted with her, took the same bus then told her to call me if she wanna hang out later on. She gave me this "this guy is clueless" laugh, it really made me feel like shit. Its like yeah, maybe i am clueless, it just really pisses me off. I already asked her one time that when i texted her over the phone if she wanna come through my place drink wine and watch a movie, she said maybe then was acting weird and stuff, then started texting me in some sort of language, or whatever it was.

Life really stinks man, seems like i have nowhere to go and nothing to do. And if i do my lonelyness gets the best of me. Its like all these people complaining about their problems have the basic needs, they got the social life, the sex life, and they know how to survive on their own. I got none of those and seeing them complain about BIGGER problems that i have YET TO GET TO makes me sad, depressed, and really really mad. Its like damn im struggling to get this basic shit you got already and you complaining about having a fight with your girlfriend? shit... i wish i had your problems. It really pisses me off when those type of people start looking down on me for whatever reason, like when a black man who has so much going for him look down on me cuz im white, like he hates me cuz im white thinking i got everything and that my skin color gives me privilege, yet he is so much better off then me he is too blind to even realize that.

Whatever... i was really really mad earlier but now im just sad as hell.. its like why? why am i here and most importantly... what do i do? what goals should i set? how do i get better? i have no fucking clue... and if i dont know... then who does?

I got no life

damn, i am sitting here TRYING to do my homework, yet i dont give a FUCK about school. and then im thinking well, if i dont care about school why the fuck i still go? and the answer is, cuz i got nowhere else to go and nothing else to do. If i drop out my mom is not gonna support me or help me out in any way so im gonna have to get a 9-5 job. and where? doing what!?

i got no goals in life, no ambition, no motivation, and honestly i feel like this is some sort of a movie. Many times i have mini second flash backs. Sort of like within a split second i realize that im here in this body trapped for this entire lifetime, its a trip i cant explain it. But in a way its a reality for all of us, its just i think the isolation made me think and feel this shit im experiencing. Its like sometimes i feel like its an error im in this body living this life and having this reality. Within these flashbacks i sort of wander off feeling like im somewhere else living another life or something, and then when the reality hits me like AHHH SHIT!!! I HAVE TO DEAL WITH ALL OF THIS CRAP??? DAMN!!!

No wonder i got a hard time with women, im probably the type of guy girls run away from and avoid like the plague. But fuck that i dont care, this is my reality and my problems, just like guys who these bitches go crazy for, but yet those guys beat them half to death, thats their problem and the shit they gotta deal with.

I just felt like posting this cuz im literally sitting here filled with apathy, i was supposed to do the readings for the paper to be finished by this friday and i have read maybe 1 page, and i had the entire day to do it. its veterans day, my day off!!!

Fuck everything, my life is a joke and i can see why im so damn lonely and have no human contact. I been doing this same shit for so long it has become a condition, like a fucking slave living on plantation. FUCK im going crazy here!! and i dont know where to go or what to do to change this piece of shit reality that im stuck in...

The Hood and me

ok, i been thinking about this shit lately and actually its always on my mind.

im living in a semi-hood area, we got some shootings here, some drugs here and there, but generally i dont think its that bad. there is gentrification going on, and these dumb ass politicians are trying to kick out all the black people on section 8 and its still considered not such a nice neighborhood. and you know, the way i feel about black people is weird as hell considering that im white.

its like... i wanna be here, in fact, fuck that.. i wanna be in an all black ghetto. its like, not that i wanna be living there cuz its cool and im this dumb ass brainwashed white dude who listens to too much gangsta rap, buts its more because of this feeling inside. its wierd but its like, i cant get rid of it. and ive tried in the past, cuz you know black people dont treat me that great sometimes. some look at me and be like 'psssttt', others just kinda look down on me, and there are a few who give me respect for whatever reason. so you know as a result i thought fuck that, im gonna go live in some suburb and leave everything behind and forget, but that love deep inside my chest wont go away.

there is this part in Malibu's Most Wanted where they take B-Rad to South Central, and then they bring him to an all black club there and they ask him "so how do you feel" and the dude goes.. "i feel... like im at home". so many people were probably watching that shit like its some joke but to me.. thats the exact feeling im talking about. its weird as shit and i only feel it for African Americans. i mean i aint a peoples person, i aint tough, i dont even know how to handle myself in the streets, and that gets me mad cuz im thinking will i ever be happy living away from all this ghetto culture that i love and want to be part of? its like i feel some sort of spiritual connection, but i know i cant be living in no ghetto with black folks without problems, lots of problems. i feel good just seeing people walk around and shit, its so fucking wierd. but anyway, the point i was getting to is... FUCK! i forgot..... anyway,

all i think about is places like South Bronx, Harlem, Queensbridge, ya know.. and its scary and shit, like i know id probably get harrassed there and tested, but its like i also cant stop fucking thinking about it!! its like, its always on my mind! and i had a black dude tell me one time "if you werent raised there you shouldnt try to help people in the ghetto", maybe he was right. i just dont know how to stop thinking about it and i dont know how to stop caring neither. was i born and got killed in one of those places my last lifetime? shit, i dont know.

um... but anyway, yeah.. its like if everything goes to plan ill be moving outta here in a few months and im just not sure where ill end up. cuz honestly, i dont even know how to survive on my own, having a 9-5, paying rent, and managing money and shit, i have no clue how id be able to find a place in some hood, where i can stay close, connected, and be able to help out the folks there.

PSI story...

This happened to me about 5 hours ago...


I am at my college campus looking for a nice quiet spot where i can review my notes and go home early. So i find this perfect place i was never in before, its completely secluded, on the second floor of the main building where all the student unions are in. It has a bunch of sofas with a few small round stands in between to put the notes or drinks on. To my right is a bunch of tinted windows that lets me see the outside, but its pretty dark and its about 8pm. And for whatever reason i just CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT THIS GIRL. She is the first girl i EVER spit game to back in my community college. I saw her again about a month earlier but never asked her out cuz i felt there was no chemistry.

Anyway, im thinking to myself "i have got to see her again, i have to tell her". So im sitting there wanting to talk to her, the more i think about it the more i want her to come. Then im like ok let me try something. I close my eyes and start talking to her, telling her to come see me, telling her the location of the building and that if she on campus i want to talk to her. I do this over and over again. Then i visualize this bright, shiny, lightening in one line connected to my head that leads all the way into the Universe connected to the God force, with a second one coming back to Earth connected to her. I keep talking to her telling her the location of the building, and where im at. I do this for about 5 maybe 10 minutes. Then i just hang around some more thinking about her and leave the campus to go home.

Right as I cross the street... I see her walking towards the same bus stop not even 30 feet in front of me. The fear kicks in right away but i think to myself whatever man i gotta do this. She sits down and then i come sit right next to her and we just fluff talk... feels like i like her and she likes me but... it ends up where it ALWAYS ends up... us having a hard time forming a conversation, with these awkward moment of silences... after a few minutes i tell her "you always this quiet?" she says no, shes not the quiet type. and i say maybe its just me, she smiles and tells me "nah, trust me.." and this is where i just say whatever i wanted to tell her, "you know, some girls i talk to..... i can talk to them all day, but when i talk to you... its like... nothing comes... and i was thinking of asking you out but....... maybe we just dont click". I sit there and after a few more seconds she asks me some off the wall, nothing to do with the conversation type question, i answer it, then my bus comes.

When i got on that bus i felt like a fucking superman!!! It was this feeling of freedom, finally telling someone what ive been thinking and feeling, something i do very rarely in my life which is why i think im so bitter, angry, and mad all the damn time.

And its funny cuz when i came home, my best friend Jay, who is also my roomate, is sitting there just started a movie called Reign Over Me, im talking about only a few seconds into it. he pauses it and says he was hoping ill watch it with him. We watch the movie and the Adam Sandler's character is.. well... me. That guy who is always to himself, has no friends, has no one that really knows him or understands him, someone who never shares any personal part of his life with anyone, someone who is really hurt either by others or by the experiences that life has brought him, someone who has family members try to help him but never find the right way to do it and sometimes end up hurting him in the process. I cried a few times watching that film thinking about my life and how different yet similar i am to that character. and I was only paying attention to the movie 50% of the time, the rest of my focus was thinking about the girl i talked to earlier and how it felt SOOOO GOOD after the conversation i had with her.

me and Jay talked for a while, and i felt and understood that in order to be trully happy, i have to share my world with everyone i meet, and tell them who i really am, where im from, how i trully feel, and what i want. Yeah its scary, and many people will reject me, hate me, and even try to hurt me, but its the only way to be happy. Otherwise ill be like that character in the movie, what was his fucking name, Charlie, with all the bullshit built up inside of him having random moments where he spazzes the fuck out for some stupid reason.

I feel like this day was put together, its like i just dont see myself watching this movie WITHOUT having that conversation, they wouldnt go together. This is the most intense PSI experience i ever had in my entire life, and it feels so good, its like im partially free and want that freedom to keep on growing and building into my true self, who i really am, whoever that may be.

Women and attitude

I was just done talking to a friend and im gonna say exactly what i told him. right now... I FEEL LIKE SOCKING A BITCH IN THE MOUTH! I am so fucking pissed at all these women with dirty looks, im talking about the "youre a creep" look, the "stop looking at me weirdo" look, and what about the "i cant believe you have the audicity to even THINK of spitting game at me" look. Today i have a fantasy of punching the fuck out the most stuck up, the most rudest, and the most finest bitch on the planet. I get so much negative energy from women its not even funny, and i think many men get that too its just that im so damn sensetive and take everything to heart. Its like why did God create me like this? I get so fucking mad at that. Especially in this culture, where a tough person who dont let shit bother him gets praised for the quality that HE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH, and a soft sensetive person gets shitted on for the quality that HE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH EITHER! That shit pisses me off!!!

I wish i had some VR type shit, like the Matrix, where i can enter it and run a program in which there is a fine ass bitch who got attitude through the ass, had a mean and a fucked up personality. Then i can just walk up to her and punch that hoe right in the mouth, it would be a good way for all that negative energy i got built up from all the women i ever walked by, met, or talked to, to be released back at one of the most fucked up females the world has ever seen. And yes she needs to be good looking, the more good looking the better, oh and please make her have attitude, lots of attitude, and throw in that happy-go-lucky "i get any man i want and anything i need is brought to me on a silver platter" look. Oh man i would enjoy this, just thinking about it makes me feel good.

I am sick of all the women complaining about men not understanding them. from the looks of things most of females dont understand men or what we go through. Im surprised im not gay, and i can see how dudes be turning as a result of how women treat em. I mean damn how long till a guy says fuck it im done with women, im fucking man now? Growing up i was always so confused "why dont women show me love? why dont they like me? i want to have sex with them but why dont they want to have sex with me?" yeah it could be naive way of thinking but hey i didnt have any sort of male role models so i was always confused about many things in this life. The way i used to talk to females was "hey do you gotta pencil?" cuz really, i left mine at home so i had to ask someone right? or um... "hey did we have homework?" her: yes/no. that was basically it. or my favorite, sitting in the back row looking at a girl fantasizing and have her thinking im some creep, LOL!

if any women reading this, yes there are many creeps and wierdos in the world, but know that there are many men who mean no harm, who wanna love you, fuck you, and just hang out n chill with you, they just dont know how to go on about doing that. if any dudes reading this who had good parents and had a father who tought them a lot of shit, stop your bitching and just be happy.

if you have anything bad to say about me or my blog EAT SHIT AND DIE!

Sometimes i hate everybody and everything...

Last night i wanted to make a rant post in my blog but i didnt. I was gonna curse out everybody and everything i hate, and believe it or not i hate a little bit of everyone and everything, even those people close to me. It's funny because i just told my roommate friend i need space and i basically asked him to leave me a lone and let me be for a while, he took it as i dont like him or i hate him or i dont wanna be his friend no more.

Its so funny i been a loner for the last 15 years, and many times it wasnt by choice, and after 15 years im so used to being alone that sometimes i need that, even when im around people. Its like if i had lots of friends id need to be alone away from them every now and then.

Back to the topic, I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING SOMETIMES! I hate my mother, i fucking HATE my father, i hate my soon to be step father, i hate my friends if i have any, i hate all the women who i know, some play games others play hard to get, others just in the background, i hate my life and how it turned out to be, i hate fear i fucking HATE fear, fear is the main reason why im so fucked up and i let it stop me almost every time in the past. anything i wanted to do i let fear stop me, and by the time i figured out that i need to keep doing what i want to accomplish regardless of fear being there, my fear increased from lets say 5 to 50. its like the longer you let fear control you the more fear youll generate, its weird but its true. anyway, and yes i hate myself sometimes.

im just bitter i guess, seeing people living out their lives, taking a full advantage of what life has to offer, while i remain alone, all by myself. and its funny because when im not alone, it gets to a point where i NEED to be, otherwise i feel like i cant breathe or something. it makes me mad when i see guys out with women, smiling, flirting, enjoying their time. it makes me mad when i see even shows like the wire, motha fucking politicians or even cops out talking, mingling, picking up women, going from hood to hood like it aint a thing, it really makes me mad. if i had a choice id edit all that happy go lucky crap out and leave all the things that go down in the hood im interested in. i fucking hate cops, alot of them is some selfish motha fuckers. i had a friend who was a cop, he was this typical alpha dominant male, who always knew what to say at the right time, always had a bitch by his side whenever i saw him. its almost like he brought one with him just to look good or something, oh man i hated that so much. and alot of the times i hate that fuck, telling me how much pussy he be getting and shit. then tried to get me pussy like im some helpless, powerless little boy. fuck that dumb ass, i hate that cunt man! i didnt want his hook ups, even if i remain alone all mylife i dont care. i either get it or i dont, fuck you trying to bring it to me like without you i cant function or something. go to hell. i fucking hate my innocent, naive, passive attitude, people like that cop always at some point leave me because of it. i dont know if its because im ashamed of it or maybe its because people dont wanna be around someone who hasnt fully grown up or matured yet.

i dont know, many people dont understand me because they not me. so when i feel distant and dont wanna be around them they take it personal. im just a dude who didnt go through what many kids at the age of 3 go through, and i guess its hard for someone to understand that. all the basic shit im learning now many guys learned it in diapers.

maybe its my lesson in this lifetime, maybe its karma that was passed from my ancestors, sometimes i dont know if this is gonna be life till the end or if change gonna come. and i fucking hate that too, me never knowing anything.