so I was on my lunch, and went to Chipotle to get a burrito. I stand in line and there is this thick girl in front of me. I'm thinking DAMN she fine. She turns around and we had eye contact. She looks away ordering her food while a moment later playing with her hair. I look elsewhere and see her from my peripheral turning my way AGAIN to see if I'm looking. I wasn't since I didn't want to make her feel like I'm a creep. She played with her hair again. Now I'm thinking 'damn, I haven't done an approach in a LONG ass time'. So, I don't think much of it and just let it go. Then I get my food and see her sit there somewhere. There is 1 seat available next to her and it's secluded. She puts her stuff on the table of the 2nd seat. I get my burrito and sit elsewhere thinking, thinking, thinking. "Should I approach her? If I do, what should I say? Should I say hey, what's your name? Should I say hey I wanted to say hi? Should I say hey I thought you were cute? No, that last part is bad since white girls get freaked out. I don't know... How do I even approach someone in a place like this? Situational opener? It's hard as fuck thinking of a "situational opener" when you're nervous as fuck' so, I'm like okay fuck it. after I finish half of my burrito I'll go say hi. then fear kicks in, it rises higher and higher i'm like FUCK I CANT EVEN EAT ANYMORE. I just start wrapping my burrito up since I only ate 40% of it and can't focus on anything! Then what happens? She gets up and leaves.
At this point I felt WEAK AS FUCK. I felt at a total loss of power. Like I just let it go and didn't do anything. Fear kicked my ass! I let fear run me but at the same time, why? It's all because of shame. I am ashamed. Ashamed of everything. Ever since I was a kid my mom taught me to be ashamed. and not to blame her or nothing, but this is how it was. The first time she caught me masturbating against the leg of our living room table, she told me it's bad. She said people who do that go insane and made up a bunch of lies. So, as a young kid (I was about 5 or 6) who was horny as hell, I kept masturbating feeling ashamed. Years go by and I'm secretly laying in bed rubbing against the sheets like I am having sex feeling ashamed. Then we eventually move to America, and I get into big girls. I feel ashamed. I feel like a freak of nature liking BBWs and like it's not 'normal'. I feel ashamed. I hide my fetish, but ironically my grandmother is a 'BBW', so I think I have inherited my love of BBWs that way. I still feel ashamed. I get into black girls and think they are fucking amazing with their African figures. Again, I feel ashamed and hide my like for them. I have no friends and no girlfriend while my other 'friends' I had at the time lose their virginity, go with different girls. I feel ashamed. Ashamed of being the way I am and being 'different'; ashamed of being a loner who doesn't fit in anywhere. After high school is over, I develop my Tranny fetish through porn. Again, I feel ashamed. What am I? Am I gay? I don't like men. Am I straight? I don't find biological women as attractive as I once did. I feel ashamed, and hide my 'fetish'.
I eventually graduate college, move to Los Angeles, and remain distant from everyone, including my family who don't seem to want to be around me. I feel ashamed of everything. Wanting so bad of being normal, I feel ashamed. I almost met up with one black 'tgirl' off craigslist while living in SoCal, but acted suspicious so she called me out on it. Didn't happen. I felt ashamed. I go through chaos in LA, and eventually move back home to my mom's house. At this point I hit 30s and feel ashamed for still living with my mama. Now I am 34, have no friends, have never had a girlfriend outside of a one time thing in college which nothing happened because I did not make a move, and haven't had a job until last year. I feel ashamed of not having my own place, my own independence, and my own life together. A typical 34 year old is much more matured, and have had lots of experiences in life, have been across many places of this world, whether in or outside of US. But I remain this way not knowing what to do. I feel ashamed. As a result of all this shame, I stopped approaching women a few months ago. I think women feel this sort of thing. They could tell I got a lot of burden because of the way I approach them. I make them feel uncomfortable because I act like a virgin. I even remember my co-worker I blogged about with whom I went clubbing with on the New Years eve asked me this question, "Why are you acting like you're a virgin?" After that, I stopped being 'honest' with other men about how I approach women. Because he even said, 'after I had sex and felt lust. I stopped being so scared'. But time after time I would be 'honest' and I always am with people, about how nervous I was, how my hands would be shaking, etc.. And now I am ashamed to say anything, especially all the details of how I feel.
So, I don't know. I just feel like fear is kicking my ass. Getting my own independence is the hardest thing for me to do right now. It is so hard to get a job when I am not good at anything. What the hell am I gonna do with my CJ degree? I HATE LAW! I don't remember most of the things I've learned. Reasonable Cause? I don't even remember the fucking definition of that! I don't even remember what habeas corpus mean. Everytime I hear it, I gotta wiki pedia that shit. I have no passion for law or helping people in trouble. I wanted to be a probation officer, but my life is out of order and I never been in trouble. If I can't get my own ass out of the pit I'm in, how the hell am I gonna help some kid who is in the same predicament? Thank god I got a job now, and at least can afford to rent one room. But I am still not at a point where I could afford my own place. If I can, it would have to be far from the city and that would take a long ass time for commute.
All I'm saying is, approaching women you got to have your own independence and at least have your own life. What am I gonna do with a woman if she wanna fuck? Invite her to my mom's place? It's embarrassing, and well... shameful. This is why I just gave up on talking to women. All of these reason, and on top of that, I don't even like women that much! I like Trannies. I am a mess, but getting my independence is my #1 priority at this point in my life. I got to think of a plan on getting some sort of a career. Otherwise, I don't know where this rout is going to take me.