pretty much, my therapist told me to start writing down my thoughts before going to bed and that it helps me sleep. it works but.. i still need doc prescribed sleeping pills. i even started taking 1/2 of one, then 1/4th.. but i still to this day cannot NOT take one and sleep normally. didnt take a pill and still up its 7 fucking 20am now. so every other day trying to not take a pill, but every fucking time i cannot sleep as much as if i took a pill. so here are my thoughts right now.
my mom's boyfriend is INSANE! we were at a family therapy and this fucking just lost it... he is 99% happy with me but i fucked up on 1%.. then he starts venting, venting, venting.. therapist was like :O the fucker was saying that i manipulate the situation "he cannot work because he cannot sleep, he cant lift, because his heart hurts" rofl. so im a lier now? fucking IDIOT, jesus christ he is such an ASSHOLE and is completely insane. like ehkort toll was saying in his book "chaos in the mind", he has it. he reminds me of man in power who start wars over nothing or kill thousands of man like Stalin did because of some weird "idea" in the mind that is just a fiction or a simple thought. therapist jaw dropped to the ground though cuz this retard was talking talking and venting like a mofo for the entire hour. i barely had a chance to talk and he was wondering why i dont wanna hang out with him. a fucking time bomb waiting to explode... AT ME and he wonder why i dont wanna hang out with him.
basically, he wants me out of the house with a full time job ASAP but yet i am still dependant on sleeping pills. i forget to wash the dishes once, tension builds, i didnt sweep dirt i spilled after BUSTING MY ASS working on the backyard moving his dirt for like almost a week, tension builds, i do something the way i would do it and not how HE does it, he is ready to blow up. i have come to the conclusion that this guy is completely insane. im just afraid if he leaves my mom. thats my biggest fear. cuz if i drive him this crazy and he leaves my mom, i would feel really really REALLY bad. why our disagreement or difference of opinions gotta break up the relationship in which my mom is happy? the only way HE will be happy if i become like him though, and that is not gonna happen. i just really want to get better and start sleeping without sleeping pills so i can be outta here. but from the looks of things i will have to be outta here still being fucked up just so that it won't damage their relationship. now ill try to go get some zzzs.