Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Why am I destined to be alone?

This is my life!

I read this and everything here is me. From people not giving a rats ass if I am there or not, to me having maybe 1 friend who eventually gets bored of me (remember, my male co-worker that invited me out to hang out at a NYE?), to me being 'different' where nothing mainstream interests me and I don't fit in anywhere.

The funniest thing is, I am the most positive I have ever been and I am still alone with no friends. People still don't care if I go talk to them or not. They just go back to their social circle and gossip. I don't judge anyone anymore, but some people who are negative judge me and find faults with me. I am just gonna paste this here below and stop talking....

Why am I destined to be alone?

I know I post a lot about the same kind of stuff, but I feel like I have a better understanding of the "pieces" of my "puzzle", so to speak, but I still don't know how to "put it all together". I've been doing a lot more thinking, trying to figure things out for myself, and these are the things I've come to realize...

- When it comes to identifying a girl I'd like to ask out, I have zero interest in looks. That's not to say I don't have sexual desires, but they don't kick in at all until after I've fallen for someone. I'm looking more for mental stimulation. When I say "mental stimulation", I'm not necessarily talking about someone that's very heavily minded towards science or politics, or anything like that. I, myself, have very... peculiar outlooks and beliefs, as well as a peculiar sense of humor. Ideally, I want to be with someone that not only understands, but also shares the same peculiar mind. Unfortunately, from what I've seen, it's extremely difficult for me to find someone that's similar to me in that aspect. I don't really "fit in" with any specific group, so it's not like there are specific activity groups I could get involved with that would necessarily get me meeting like-minded people. Again, I consider myself very peculiar; not "better" or "worse" than anyone else, just... different. Honestly, my entire life, I've always felt like I don't really "fit in" with the vast majority of people and groups I come across.

- People, in general, don't seem to "like" me. That's not to say people dislike me; people don't mind me, but they don't REALLY like me. People don't actively try to avoid me, but they don't actively try to include me, either. If I'm "there", people are okay with my presence, but I don't get the sense that anyone ever thinks "I really want to go hang out with/ talk to him!". I constantly find myself in situations where I feel "left out" by people I'd like to spend time with; again, they don't purposely avoid including me, people just tend to forget about me and not think anything of it if I'm not included. Unfortunately, I'll admit, I'm not the funniest, most interesting, entertaining guy. But I try. I really do. I try to make people laugh, I try to think of things to say, but for the most part, it always ends up falling flat, not to mention, going back to me being "peculiar", I often feel like a lot of people don't really "get" me.

Only one time, last year, has someone ever made me feel like they WANTED to spend time with me, WANTED to be around me, WANTED to talk to me, and at the time, that really helped to make me feel like things could be different for me, but it only lasted about a month or two, and then I ended up back "on the outside looking in" all over again.

- On that same note, this makes finding someone to date even more of a challenge. From what I've seen, in order to actually get a date, you have to be charismatic and/ or good-looking. Clearly, as I just said, I'm apparently not charismatic enough for people to want to actively try to spend time with, so that's right out the window immediately. And as for looks, that's something I've just accepted I'll never have on my side. Do I think I'm "ugly"? No. But I'm unusually short, I have the face of a 12 year old boy, I can't seem to properly grow facial hair, and even my voice is a bit high-pitch; overall, I look very much like a "little boy", and girls don't want to date a "little boy", they want to date a "man".

A lot of you guys have pegged me as "negative" in the past, and I never really denied that. But the truth is, I feel like that negativity has only stemmed from pent up frustrations. I don't think I lack confidence, I don't think I project negativity to the world around me. I go out into the world and I try, I try to be positive and do what I can with people, but I ALWAYS come up empty-handed, and those frustrations build up.

So what's the solution? People frequently say "Stop focusing on it so much and just focus on you". And that's fine, that's not bad advice. But I've never really been "focusing on it" as much as my posts would have you believe. Yes, having people in my life (both romantically and platonically) is something I want very, very badly, but I've spent the last several years trying to put my actual energy into other aspects of my life. And really, everything else is going pretty well for me right now. My education and career are on the right track. I have a handful of hobbies that bring me some personal joy in my free time. I'm basically happy with "me", and honestly, I have been for a while. That's why this stuff gets to me, because as much as it may sound like it, I'm not "unhappy" with me, and it's frustrating to be unable to have anyone in my life.

I think I'm a good person, that deserves to have friends, that deserves to find a girl, that deserves to not be as completely alone and alienated as I am. And yet, here I am. Constantly "chasing my tail", unable to figure out why I'm perpetually stuck in this position I'm stuck in. Perhaps some of us are just "destined" to be alone?


Paz said...

the only way you're not gonna be alone anymore is when you chose to open yourself up to others. if you continue hiding away from the company of others and fighting being social, then you'll continue to stay alone.

Anonymous said...

you don't seem to like yourself that much.

when other people approach you and you got these types of worries in your head, it shows. other people can get repelled by that even if they like you.

Sp said...

im not fighting being social. I talk to people at work all the time. I am just very unique. I am a loner. I like being a loner. I don't do cliques. When people huddle up in a group and they see me there by myself they judge me and think I'm weird. Of course I don't want to or trying to go over there in the middle of the group. It is their social circle. I am new there and they been there years. All I am saying is that I don't look down on myself, I DO like myself, and am very positive compared to how I used to be. But people still tend to avoid me. Not everyone, but I am learning they are these negative type or just the ones who are judgmental.

It's cool. I'm not even tripping. I don't have any worries when people approach me. I don't judge anyone, even those who judge me. I am really chill. But I am just "different" and always have been. I intimidate some people because of this same reason. My 3rd eye is very open, and is getting even more open the older I get. This scares the shit out of some people and they stay away from me. Either way. This is who I am and I love it. I role solo, and learned to accept and love that part of myself.