Sunday, March 17, 2013

Battles with myself

I am having battles with myself.

Yesterday (Friday) I actually had a date. it wasn't with a chick I was crazy about at all. in fact, I didnt like her all that much and I wasn't even gonna go. But i thought wtf I got to lose? I NEED EXPERIENCE! I had like 3 dates my entire life. wtf am I being so picky about? Anyway, this was my first date since the summer of 2012.

But today (yesterday already. its 12:47am right now) was a St. Patricks day which I usually dont give a rats ass about. I had to work all day but came out downtown to experience my 1st outting on this holiday. There was this one CUTE ass girl. she was tall, thick, her ass was fucking AMAZING, and she was there with her friend. She was the cutest girl I have seen in A LONG ASS TIME. and what did I do? I found every excuse in the book NOT to approach her. I dont know what it is. is it because I got no friends? is it because I am scared of people and parties/social events? is it because I have weird problems at my age, 33 years old? SOMETHING is holding me back. i mean... myself of course... but something deep inside makes me not want to approach, say hi, get their #, call them, eventually go on a date, have sex, and have a meaningful and HEALTHY relationship. it scares the shit out of me. i dont know what part or if ALL of it prevents me from approaching, but it makes me feel like SHIT everytime i dont approach.

but im not gonna lie. i have been approaching more consistently than i ever have in my LIFE. i actually had a date, and managed to get 3 #s, one of which i fucked up completely through doing text game. the other girl never picked up when i called, and the 3rd ended up being a down to earth chick whom i may be friends with. who knows... anyway, i still need help and i dont know where im gonna find it. i already know one guy who may be able to help. so, we'll see. but i am still proud of myself.

on friday before the date i approached a chick in the mall WHILE MY DATE WAS WAITING OUTSIDE LITERALLY 50 FT AWAY!!! llool. i was so scared in that moment... not of approaching, but of my date seeing im talking to another woman and trying to get with her, lolol... man... some of the adventures you could have by chasing women are hilarious if you look back and think of all the stupid shit you did. i am just getting my feet wet and not exactly feeling the effects just yet... i need to push A LOT harder if i want real result in my social life.

but what I realized is that all this approaching gives me ENERGY. it makes me happy. approaching gives me some sort of a super red bull boost. it's fucking amazing. i get CONFIDENCE that i never  had before. and all by coming up to a woman in a street, mall, and basically anywhere in public in the DAY and say 'hey, i saw you and thought you were cute. wanted to come over here and say hello'. i fucking approached this one chick and she said 'oh.. i gotta g/f'.. i go.. "that's hot. how about you, me, and your g/f hang out :)" these sort of words come out of me by doing lots of cold approaches. but once i dont approach i slip back into my head and think about this shit like i am back to being my old self. today is just one of those days...

1 comment:

Paz said...

it sounds like you're going through an internal conflict with yourself where you want to seek out companionship but you also like being a loner since you're used to your own company and nobody elses. you're like "i want a girlfriend really badly but i'm scared because i never had a girlfriend before. i have to give up the comfort zone that i've had for the longest time with someone else with them basically getting to know me, who i am, and etc. i'm sharing my world with somebody else."

i don't know what to tell you on how to help yourself in regards to that but i think that you should just be yourself. it sounds like the woman that you need is someone who will allow you to be you and will like you for who you are. you can be yourself around her and in return, you can do the same for her by allowing her to be herself around you. i think that would help you out a great deal because that way you won't feel that she's judging you or trying to basically use you to put up her self esteem by holding back some of her cards in order to put you down for you being yourself.

it's good that you're approaching chicks and going out on dates regularly. all you have to do is just approach the right chicks though that are willing to give you a chance for you to show them who you are and for you to also give them a chance.