Thursday, May 24, 2012

I am so frustrated with my life

I am a vegan in a way. I dont eat meat, I dont eat milk that comes from an animal, cheese, and eggs. I eat wild fish, and shrimp. So my mom thinks I am "killing" myself. All this time she been putting eggs into the cakes she been cooking constantly and I didnt even know it. I feel like she is deceiving me. She does things that she thinks are good for me, but yet I feel she has no respect for me or my wishes on what "I" want to put in my stomach. She spazzed the fuck out on me when I saw the eggs and said I am not eating that cake.. I left the kitchen, and she came into my room started giving me a lecture on how eggs are made, and it doesnt matter because they go to waste anyway and they are "caged free" and blah blah blah. I am like WOW! YOU HAVE NO RESPECT FOR ME! I DONT EAT EGGS!!! WHAT DOES ALL THAT STUFF GOTTA DO WITH WHAT YOU JUST SAID?

Then I look at my life. I am 32 years old, still living at home with my mama, no career, no job, got a degree so thank god for that, never had a g/f, don't have any friends, dont know where I am going, dont know myself or what I am here for on this planet, and just a miserable fuck because of all this shit and i am tired of it. I havent been talking personal on my blog because i have said ALL THIS BULLSHIT SO MANY TIMES ON HERE I LOST COUNT. so I always think to myself "why start again?" and dont even bother mentioning anything. but this is my life.

what will i do if my mom is gone? i got this internship going right now and they let me come on board for 3 months paid internship. thats $10 per hour. i am greatful for it and all, but even if they say "okay, youre hired", they will pay me $13 to $16 per hour. I feel like I have been duped. I went to school for 10 fucking years, only to miraculously (and I am serious when I say this word. finding this internship was hard. finding anything in IT to get experience is super hard) find an internship that will pay me pennies if ... IF i end up working for them. thats like saying "you will have to live with yo mama for the next 2 years working with us because if you dont, youll have to get roomates to save on rent". Living in San Francisco is expensive as fuck. I dont think $15 an hour is enough to live on your own unless you are on section 8. so what the fuck? I am so tired of this world. I spent so much time in school being tortured, studying shit I dont even need, and now I cant even land a fucking job. what type of fucking place is this? I am just so frustrated. My life is a big mess, but can I at least get a job and live in peace? Part of it is my fault, of course. I am not very motivated, I have so much apathy, and generally dont care about life.

I remember the days when I was excited about life. I was a kid and had friends. I was excited to go outside and play with them. I wanted to finish my homework and have fun with friends, do stuff, be active. Life was so enjoyable, and exciting. But I have done a complete 180 and feel the exact opposite. I dont care about life. I dont care about meeting people, I dont care about looking for a job, I dont care about almost anything.

When I look for a job, it is such a tortorous process for me. And what I fucking hate the most is that how some employers want you to jump through hoops. Okay first I want you to fill out our application that will take you 1 fucking hour, then I want you to upload your resume, then I want you to finish this questionare, and then i want you to take these stupid tests and answer complicated questions. thank you for the 2 hours of your time, and we will never get back to you because there are better candidates. FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU SHOULD BE FUCKING SLAPPED! why do employers do this shit? I want to just upload my resume and maybe a cover letter and move on. BITCH I DONT WANNA FILL OUT YOUR 2 HOUR RESUME WHEN YOU WONT EVEN READ IT ONCE YOU SEE I DONT HAVE EXPERIENCE! IT TAKES ME LONG ENOUGH TO LOOK THROUGH YOUR FUCKING AD! FUCK YOU STUPID ASS BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOU AND YOUR COMPANY!!!!!!!!!!! man.. I am so frustrated with this process.

what is life? i honestly can say after all the meditating, soul searching, reading, TRYING to astral travel and lucid dream, I DONT KNOW WHAT LIFE IS. I am scared of everything in life and beyond. cant even have an out of body experience for longer then like 5 minutes. but im lucky if i have it that long. lucid dreams wont last me longer then 5 to 10 seconds. i dont know. why am i not good at anyhthing? WHY? is it because i dont live my life the way i wanna so everything i do reflects that in it?

oh man. so much shit has been going on and i dont know what this year of 2012 will bring me or the world. But something needs to happen. if not in my life then in the world. cuz i am really tired of the way things are. they are just not right. there needs to be a system in which people care for each other and not just take advantage of each other. i took one workshop for being social about 6 months ago and the guy gave me an 80% discount. then i find out he gave all of the people the same price and in the end he was treating me like shit while i was in his class. it was subtle but i still felt it. he just pretended to like me to get me to pay him. what type of fucking shit is that? he claims he wants to help people and change lives, when all he wants to do is just take advantage of people and take their money. when will this shit stop? anyway, i am really tired and dont know what to do. i am doing some other stuff right now, and need to focus on it. i may talk about it later on if i feel like it. i dont know what else to fucking say.



Paz said...

homie, i think you've done a lot in terms of searching for yourself. now it's time to push what you learned about yourself onto other people. i think you should just try to police work or something related to your degree. i think the reason why you're procrastinating is that you know what you have to do but are scared to do it. i don't think you need to take any workshops on how to be social for the moment. just put yourself outthere because i'm sure you'll be alright if you allow yourself to just let go.

Anonymous said...

I can relate to everything you've said. I must confess, I burst into tears reading this because I am in almost exactly the same situation. I've considered all my options and weighed everything out and journal-ed till I want to gouge my eyes out but there's no way out. I feel like the universe has me pinned down and I can't move.