my Counselor

so i'm 1 class away from graduating, and i got this counselor that i been with who also teaches the class im taking and a few other classes that i already took with him. this guy is a legend. he is from the South Bronx and been through the whole system as a teenager. first started with gangs, then progressed to more serious crimes, and then eventually got into college, etc.. and became a cop. one way i could describe him is that he is Arnold Schwarzenegger only outside the movies. he is bigger then life. he knows what to say, when to say it, and how to say it. he knows how to handle himself in the streets and is also book smart.

most people like him and everybody wants to be around him. many people want to be close to him and probably kiss his ass like there is no tomorrow. when i first met him he was real cool but then i realized he's sort of disconnected from people he deals with. im sure he got everybody trying to suck on his energy, so he distances himself from folks and acts unattached like cops are trained to act when they investigate a murder scene.

anyway, it was all good and i started talking to him very similarly like im unattached-strictly business. and then something happened. i thought i was just like everybody else but then one day i was asking him for help on how i could improve myself because im clueless on how to live and wanted his advice. so he gave me some pointers and then afterward i thanked him and was about to be out. but he stopped me and said something like "wait a minute! i wanna tell you that my door is always open to you and especially you. i think you're a very honorable man and your thirst for seeking out knowledge is very admirable." something like that.

so ever since then i been kinda scared to see him. it's so weird because anytime i know i have any sort of relationship with someone i get real scared. my inferiority complex appears out of thin air and i have trouble even calling him on the phone to schedule an appointment! i think a meaningful relationship scares the living shit out of me, even if it is with my counselor or some strange person who i just met.

i left a message for him because i want his advice on life after college with jobs, rent, etc.. survival and stuff. i didn't think hed call me back because he's so busy but then i'm sitting here watching tv. and i remembered the part from that meditation book i was reading last night. it said something like:

most people aren't aware of the universe and how it really is because they are always inside their own mind controlled by their own ego. always thinking about themselves and how the whole world relates to them. me, me, me. but when you meditate enough and you have a realization that it is all of us that are connected and we are all one, you will be liberated...


that part was so deep to me i was like whoa.. and the second that thought came to my mind the phone rings and it's my counselor. it's crazy. the book i mean and all the truth in it. but back to my story. i get real nervous around this guy and feel small. i'm gonna invite him to my graduation like my other counselors from city college and a few other folks who helped me through school. i'm pretty sure he's gonna show too or at least swing by. if he doesn't, he'll save me the embarrassment. that day is gonna be 1 day in hell for me. i never walked before. not in high school, and not in city college. and all because i am embarrassed as hell of my family. they are the most embarrassing thing in the world. especially my mom's boyfriend. arghhh just thinking about that day sends shivers down my spine. but it is inevitable. who cares though, before i know it it will be all over. it's just that all these people would be looking at me thinking.. "he's with THEM? rofl" cuz i swear being around my mom and my dad wannabe is like being in the movie brady bunch. and that's totally how my mom is NOT like. he just converted her into being that white cuz dude is from orange county.