i've been dealing with these thoughts ever since high school. i remember back when we first came here, me, my uncle, my grandma and my step grandpa (RIP to both) were all staying together in a 2 bedroom apartment. my uncle would stay in the living room, grandparents had their own room, and i stayed in the room with my mom (it was a shit hole beyond anything imaginable.) but anyway, when i would walk past my uncle i had thoughts of hurting him. i believe part of it was because i always had very little to no interactions outside of my house. i was always missing the social interactions that most people have on a day to day basis. now i had 1 friend that i always talked to on the phone but he eventually turned out to be a user after he got a new set of friends. and he was just treating me like i'm some accessory he can take and use, and then when he's finished put it back away. so after i didn't wanna be friends with him no more i had no one.
then i remember my mom got me a shrink cuz one time i was so sick (fever), it felt like i was gonna die and i told her it would be good if i died right there. because my life was never shit, and i felt like it would be great if it ended cuz i had nothing and nobody to even talk to. and after i was seeing the shrink she put me on Prozac.
back then i would play b-ball by myself sometimes on the playground not too far away from my house. and this was after i graduated high school and i spent 1 year staying inside my room doing nothing but going to AOL chatrooms and meeting strangers cuz that was my only output with the world. so one time when i was on the playground playing b-ball by myself, there were about 6 black guys playing each other. 2 of them got into a fight and after the dude lost he just wouldnt accept his loss and kept trying to fight the other one. one light skinned guy was like "dude, you lost! you lost! let it go!" but he wouldn't. so anyway, when i was there i kept hearing the word "nigger." nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger.. over and over again. i think that partially it was the withdrawal from Prozac because when i'd stop taking the pills i would have weird mental stages like im high on drugs and it feels like im about to spaz out on somebody or scream something out that i dont wanna say. and i think it was also my isolation that got me to that stage. so when i was on the court with black guys i just couldnt shut that voice off. and it's funny because once you experience this stage of hearing voices, it will be the voices that you DO NOT want to say, and that you WILL NEVER say because you're not that type of person to be saying it in the first place. it felt like i had to struggle to keep myself from saying it out loud. i was so scared that i was gonna say it and luckily i didn't.
i have always been drawn to the African American culture, and i've always looked up to these thugs and gang bangers because they know how to live and shit. now of course it's a stupid place to look for roll models but any male who dont got no one will look for them anywhere. so it was like.. of all the people on earth, why the fuck would i be the one saying some racist shit i don't even feel in my heart. and when i heard the Kramer tape, i didn't react to it the same way most people have. a lot of black people probably wanted to hang that dude by the neck. but i was just like whoa... this could be the stage that i've experienced. only this guy has actually went through it and said what he would himself never say. and that saying that goes something like "inactive mind is the devil's tool." that is the realest shit i ever heard. i never read books, never watched news, never knew or try to know what's going on outside of my life. so that combination of isolation and loneliness was slowly driving my mind insane.
but nowadays, i don't have much thoughts of hurting people (i do, but it's mostly fantasies opposed to thoughts i don't wanna have) but i still have the racist thoughts coming in and out. like i got off the bus today, and there was a black elderly couple. and the first word that popped in my head was "nigger." and i'm like wtf!!! i don't wanna say it but it just pops up. i don't know how to stop this poison and i also don't want it to get worse. like i don't want to hear voices telling me to do shit, and i've heard of cases with people like that following whatever the fuck they heard a voice tells them to do. it's some scary shit, but it is real.
so yeah, i hope this semester is gonna keep me busy with work and i'll read more to keep my mind occupied. i just wish i had some circle of friends to hang out with. but one thing for sure though-no more weed! i been smoking almost every day for the last 1 to 2 weeks cuz i knew it was my last days of freedom (had to hide it and shit cuz my folks found out so i had to smoke at night when they sleeping blowing the smoke out of my window.) but from now on i'll do it maybe once or week or even a month. i did my fingerprints today for my internship and i don't even know maybe they'll have drug tests then i'll have to quit for sure. and on top of that my license expire next month so i'll just go buy a shit load of ganja and keep it just in case i get really depressed. that's it for now.
5 comments:
well, only you know the truth man. if you hear the word in your head, maybe you do have prejudice in you. i'm sure you're not a schizo fam cause by now you woulda been found out to be one and would end up in some mental home somewhere. ya dig... maybe you need to air it out and say how you really feel about black people.
what do you mean how i really feel about black people? fuck being all subliminal. what you trying to say??
lol! this post had me dying.
lol. man, i'm not being subliminal at all. i'm just saying... if you have a certain thought in your head whether it be good or bad, air it out to yourself. ya dig? instead of keeping it inside... cause ya know... this shit is funny actually. my homeboys and me were having a discussion about the n-word last night and i pretty much aired out how i felt about other groups of people. we were talking about how mad hispanics don't like black people yet they in the same position as black people. and about how there's mad white people that try to front like they don't got any dirt amongst their people and shit.. when they be killing their own, got thugs, pushers and all that shit just like black people do BUT motherfuckers don't have their dirt advertised like black people do. ya dig? it may be offensive to you BUT i'm just being real... you know... why folks looking down at me assocating everything negative with my skin color and fronting like negativity and wrong ain't a human trait? ya dig? like it's only black people that kill each other, do drugs, sell drugs, have fucked up communities and etc is exclusively black when every group of people got the same shit.
that's what i had to air out ya dig.. cause i encounter the same shit all day in the streets.
^^^you obviously have no clue nor understand about the voices im talking about. but that's ok.
it's not something you "choose" to say, or will ever say with your true self/personality.
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