Friday, May 2, 2014

I feel WEAK, Powerless, and Overwhelmed

I am so fucking sick of living here. I just came from the kitchen with an utter disgust. My mom buys me berries, lots of them. She goes to Costco and buys 2 baskets of large blackberries, 2 baskets of raspberries, and 1 of blueberries. I am the ONLY one eating them because she does NOT. By the time I get to the 2nd basket (I ate first one yesterday and the raspberries were at the END of their life), they are filled with mold and BUGS. It is absolutely DISGUSTING! I started picking through raspberries and saw a white bug crawling there eating the berries. Then mold EVERYWHERE! I started saving the good berries that are left, this is my ritual btw and what I do living with my mom like this, and leaving the bad ones in the basket. Then it hit me, WHAT AM I DOING!?!?! THIS IS ROTTEN! I threw that shit in the fucking compost. FUCK THIS BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!! I AM SO SICK OF THIS SHIT!!!!!!!!!! my mom spoils me to death, and kills me moment by moment I stay here with here. I have not made a single decision on what I want to eat at home in YEAAAAAAAAAAARS. No wonder people compare me to a serial killer. Jeffrey Dahmer had the same exact upbringing!!!!!!!!!!! I threw away 2 baskets because the blueberries were half spoiled. What does my mom want from me? I told here TIME AND TIME AGAIN, that she does TOO MUCH! but SHE DOESN'T LISTEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The only way for me to be sane and a healthy man and a healthy human being is to MOVE FAR FAR FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR AWAY from my mom as possible!!!!!!!!!! I have had it with her. I can't even be myself around her cuz she starts giving me lectures on how I am not socially 'normal' but the stupid bitch is SOCIALLY AWKWARD AS FUCK!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE SOCIALLY AWKWARD YOU SHOULDNT TELL ME HOW BAD I AM SOCIALLY YOU DUMB BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM SICK OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE RUINING MY LIFE !!!!!!!!!!

Starting tomorrow, I am making a plan on looking for a place every day until I find something. I want to get better and have my own life, my independence and not have anyone treat me like a CHILD!!!!

Fucking shit. After the whole berry nightmare, I thought to self 'okay, at least ill have some juicy watermelon' mind you, it is the best melon I've had in yeaaaaaaaaaaaaars. I take the 2nd piece and it tastes like some other god knows what vegetable. fuckingEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW I threw that shit out!! WHY DO YOU USE THE SAME KNIFE TO CUT TWO TALLY DIFFERENT THINGS?!?!?! FUCKING OLD PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!  FUCK LIVING WITH MY MOM.

I was gonna blog about something totally different today but just being here the last 3 hours was bad enough. No wonder I can't build healthy relationships wit hpeople. I live in a dysfunctional SHIT HOLE, in which I constantly get lectured at how 'non-normal' I am. I am so oooooooo frustrated, words cannot to begin to express my frustration.

I will make plans. But I just want  to smoke some weed now and relax. I'll come back to this blog for the  reminder on what I am trying to do. God help me, I need it so bad. I am actually thinking of going to the Amazon and drinking ayahuasca. I am THAT desperate at changing my situation, and THAT crazy. You have to be crazy ass desperate 'weirdo' to want to do such thing. And I am at that point right now.


Anonymous said...

Don't you ever get the feeling yor life would be completely different(and for the better) if you simply didn't make a single mistake in your past? That mistake defined you, and had so much negative influence in your life, alas but you can't change the past.

Sp said...

Yeah, I know. I was just venting.