ok its enough of being sad... its friday night and im not doing shit as usual so i wanna celebrate after hearing Star & buck Wild are gonna be back on the radio. im gonna be changing my blog's address once i come up with a short name till then here is my favorite clips of them, haha..........
Friday, November 30, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
what the fuck is wrong with this planet???
i had such a severe headache not too long ago. thats one of my struggles in life actually, migraine headaches. it took me nearly a decade to figure out how to prevent them. if i dont eat healthy, headache, if i dont get enough sleep, headache, if i dont drink enough water, headache. it is mainly my left part of the forehead area. right around and inside my left eye. for the longest i thought something was wrong with my eyes because it feels like my eyes are hurting and not the head. the pain is right above and inside my eye and it feels like my veins are gonna pop, its like something poking me with needles inside of my head, this headache lasts anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour, sometimes more sometimes less. it is so severe that after the pain goes away ALL OF MY ENERGY IS DRAINED. its that bad.
i havent been getting enough sleep for the last few days, i just lay there for hours not being able to fall asleep. smoking weed helps me sleep but im not getting high cuz im in school, just waiting till its over. so you know one of them headaches kicks in and im like FUCK, NOT AGAIN!!!!!! im thinking "man, maybe i need food" so i go to cafeteria get me a buritto, eat a lil n the pain still there, it gets worse and worse. i look like shit, my eye is red, i look like im partly crying cuz tears are accumulating inside. i find a spot to sit in, there mustve been about 5 people around. i look like im suffering, really really suffering, holding my head, moving my body back and forth, moaning and shit, AND NO ONE CARES!!! people look, or they dont look, they doing their own thing or they talking to each other, and not one person even says "hey man are you ok?" shit! they either dont see, dont know, or too scared to make a connection.
see this is sort of thing makes me realize how fucked up this planet is. guys who shot up columbine and virginia tech were in a similar situation. i dont support those guys but they were hurting and what did people around them do? they either did not see, did not care, or were quick to make fun of them. how the fuck can you make fun of someone who is hurting? that really pisses me off. thats why in this society they are quick to either lock you away to some mental insitution/prison/jail, or they ignore you like everything is good cuz they too blind to realize what is going on. and then when stuff like virginia tech happens everyone is running around with their hands holding their heads "OMG, THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! HOW COULD WE LET THIS HAPPEN?" you dumb fuck, you never cared enough to reach out now you complaining cuz it backfired. maybe if you showed your concern before students were dropping like flies you couldve prevented the massacre.
my whole point is human beings are some fucked up creatures, it makes me kinda ashamed i am one of them sometimes. all the fucked up things they do to each other and then they have every excuse in the book to cover up their mistakes. all this fucked up shit humans are doing to animals, each other, and other nations/races/cultures makes me sick to my stomach. i cant even eat meet anymore after i seen how they torture the cows, chickens, and pigs before they slaughter them. sometimes i think this bad karma humans are putting out there is gonna come back to us and whipe us all from this planet, a big fucking commit is gonna land on this bitch and nuke us all into space.
maaaan the semester is almost over, i havent done SHIT for my homework, and im kinda thirsty so im gonna go drink my orange cream SOBE. this whole planet may be going to hell before we know it, but i got shit to do so fuck this computer lab and everybody in it. im outta here...
i havent been getting enough sleep for the last few days, i just lay there for hours not being able to fall asleep. smoking weed helps me sleep but im not getting high cuz im in school, just waiting till its over. so you know one of them headaches kicks in and im like FUCK, NOT AGAIN!!!!!! im thinking "man, maybe i need food" so i go to cafeteria get me a buritto, eat a lil n the pain still there, it gets worse and worse. i look like shit, my eye is red, i look like im partly crying cuz tears are accumulating inside. i find a spot to sit in, there mustve been about 5 people around. i look like im suffering, really really suffering, holding my head, moving my body back and forth, moaning and shit, AND NO ONE CARES!!! people look, or they dont look, they doing their own thing or they talking to each other, and not one person even says "hey man are you ok?" shit! they either dont see, dont know, or too scared to make a connection.
see this is sort of thing makes me realize how fucked up this planet is. guys who shot up columbine and virginia tech were in a similar situation. i dont support those guys but they were hurting and what did people around them do? they either did not see, did not care, or were quick to make fun of them. how the fuck can you make fun of someone who is hurting? that really pisses me off. thats why in this society they are quick to either lock you away to some mental insitution/prison/jail, or they ignore you like everything is good cuz they too blind to realize what is going on. and then when stuff like virginia tech happens everyone is running around with their hands holding their heads "OMG, THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! HOW COULD WE LET THIS HAPPEN?" you dumb fuck, you never cared enough to reach out now you complaining cuz it backfired. maybe if you showed your concern before students were dropping like flies you couldve prevented the massacre.
my whole point is human beings are some fucked up creatures, it makes me kinda ashamed i am one of them sometimes. all the fucked up things they do to each other and then they have every excuse in the book to cover up their mistakes. all this fucked up shit humans are doing to animals, each other, and other nations/races/cultures makes me sick to my stomach. i cant even eat meet anymore after i seen how they torture the cows, chickens, and pigs before they slaughter them. sometimes i think this bad karma humans are putting out there is gonna come back to us and whipe us all from this planet, a big fucking commit is gonna land on this bitch and nuke us all into space.
maaaan the semester is almost over, i havent done SHIT for my homework, and im kinda thirsty so im gonna go drink my orange cream SOBE. this whole planet may be going to hell before we know it, but i got shit to do so fuck this computer lab and everybody in it. im outta here...
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
I think too much!!.......
i am so fucking pissed right now. after my class im walking to the library and there is this Samoan girl walking with her friend, she looking at me. i look away then look back she still looking. then im right behind her and when we go in she tells her friend something, she turns around, looks at me, turns back then leaves the Samoan girl by herself. and im thinking "should i go say hi? is this a proper thing to do? ive never done this before. not like this." then as i walked to the bathroom i came out looking if shes around. went to the mall to get some orange chicken. couldnt stop thinking about it the whole time and now im pissed. shit!
all these rules im creating for myself on how to live and socialize, you know rules like FUCK FEAR! and some other stuff, im not even applying them cuz i think too damn much! DAMN IM SO FUCKING MAD!
and i dont even like Samoan girls you know, they all kinda odd looking, but this girl was different... thick ass like a black girl, thick thighs and legs like a black girl, whole body like a black girl. a tomboy type of girl but proper, you know like proper jeans, the way she wears em, proper snickers, proper everything, nice hair cut and her face was ok. cuz honestly, i dont care about looks ONLY IF YOU PROPER! i love girls like that man, i was just listening to LL's "you and me" with kelly price on my ipod, and that shit drives me crazy. id just be listening to love songs like these fantasizing about being with girls like this. its like i have a hole in my chest and a girl like i described above is the only one who can fill it. just us hanging out, being together, chilling, talking, fucking, whatever. man......... i guess its that feeling ive always lacked, maybe its love, i dont know. but i need that shit. i need it now!
i mean ALL I HAD TO DO WAS COME UP TO HER, TAP HER SHOULDER AND SAY "HEY, I SAW YOU AND I JUST WANTED TO SAY HI". THATS IT!!! SHIT!! DAMN!!! i think too much with shit like "ah man, what if shes this mean bitch" or "what if her and i dont click at all. what if she got her head up her ass". and it sux cuz the more i think the less im able to pick up on these clues when girls want me to talk to them, and even if i pick up on them i START THINKING! fucking dumb ass!!!!!!! JUST DO IT YOU FUCKING DUMB ASS AND STOP THINKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB SHIT!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK FUCK FUCK. whatever, im smart, i got intellect, and lots of intelligence. just cuz im shy and never had any male role models dont make me dumb, im just really really mad right now.
that is all
all these rules im creating for myself on how to live and socialize, you know rules like FUCK FEAR! and some other stuff, im not even applying them cuz i think too damn much! DAMN IM SO FUCKING MAD!
and i dont even like Samoan girls you know, they all kinda odd looking, but this girl was different... thick ass like a black girl, thick thighs and legs like a black girl, whole body like a black girl. a tomboy type of girl but proper, you know like proper jeans, the way she wears em, proper snickers, proper everything, nice hair cut and her face was ok. cuz honestly, i dont care about looks ONLY IF YOU PROPER! i love girls like that man, i was just listening to LL's "you and me" with kelly price on my ipod, and that shit drives me crazy. id just be listening to love songs like these fantasizing about being with girls like this. its like i have a hole in my chest and a girl like i described above is the only one who can fill it. just us hanging out, being together, chilling, talking, fucking, whatever. man......... i guess its that feeling ive always lacked, maybe its love, i dont know. but i need that shit. i need it now!
i mean ALL I HAD TO DO WAS COME UP TO HER, TAP HER SHOULDER AND SAY "HEY, I SAW YOU AND I JUST WANTED TO SAY HI". THATS IT!!! SHIT!! DAMN!!! i think too much with shit like "ah man, what if shes this mean bitch" or "what if her and i dont click at all. what if she got her head up her ass". and it sux cuz the more i think the less im able to pick up on these clues when girls want me to talk to them, and even if i pick up on them i START THINKING! fucking dumb ass!!!!!!! JUST DO IT YOU FUCKING DUMB ASS AND STOP THINKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB SHIT!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK FUCK FUCK. whatever, im smart, i got intellect, and lots of intelligence. just cuz im shy and never had any male role models dont make me dumb, im just really really mad right now.
that is all
I almost had an emotional breakdown today
i thought i was gonna lose it. the first part of the day was great, me and my female friend chilled at her dorm for a few hours, she is so cool, the coolest girl ive met in years. its like anything i say she never judges it. we left to our class and afterwards we departed ways, i felt fullfilled and loved, like someone truly cares about me for once. damn she really is a good person, i just wish women would be more open and positive like her, cuz i swear all i get is attitude, negativity and rejection, im at a point where im tired of women's bullshit and dont wanna deal with them anymore.
the rest of the day was shit. first off the girl in my class. i was so scared to talk to her but you know my mentality is FUCK FEAR! so im like whatever i go outside in a hall during our break and just hang out, when she comes out and goes to the bathroom i wait till she comes back and pull her to the side, chat a lil then im like "me and you should hang out sometimes" so shes like 'we should' as shes walking away from me 'well talk about it after class blah blah' so im like um........ ok. after class i come up to her and ask her if she got any classes shes like 'no' im like damn well i gotta class right now let me get yo # so we can hang out later on. then she gave me this "im annoyed" look and said 'let me get yours instead' so im standing there like WTF!? she writes down my # and i walk away feeling good thinking "oh man i did it yeah!" then the more i think about it the worse i feel, thinking to myself "DAMN BITCH! WHY CANT YOU JUST TELL ME OFF!? WHY GO THROUGH ALL THIS BULLSHIT "OH YEAH, WE SHOULD HANG OUT LETS TALK" JUST TELL ME NO! IM NOT INTERESTED IN YOU, I GOTTA BOYFRIEND, GIVE ANY EXCUSE IN THE BOOK! JUST STOP ACTING NICE WHEN ALL YOURE DOING IS MAKING ME THINK YOURE INTERESTED WHEN YOU NOT! STUPID ASS BITCH! uuugghhh that shit drives me crazy! i hate nice girls, grow some fucking balls bitch! shit... i guess nice girls really hurt my feelings cuz i dont get what they want, and they not brave enough to tell me so they can be talking to me for weeks just not to hurt my feelings and when i find out in the end it hurts me even more. its like WTF!? WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME THIS FROM THE GIT GO? DAMN! i dont know, im nice myself but really wanna learn how to tell people str8 up. cuz not doing it is annoying as hell.
then im in my class like whatever, its over and then i get my test back, its an F. i feel rejection once again, my own fault i didnt study and feel even worse. then when i left im at a bus stop, its late and its freezing, im in my button up and start shivering, then im like 'omg the girl from PSI story could appear now omg!' and fear kicks in, rejection on my mind, i start shivering from cold, it turns into paranoia shaking. im standing there with my body shaking like pootie in i love new york filled with fear mixed with rejection times 3 and madness, i really thought i was gonna lose it. people around me probably thought something was really wrong with me, i dont know. i was just standing there with my mouth and body shivering like im in the snow butt naked, you know them people that be shaking and then they look like they about to start crying? thats sort of how i looked. i dont know how long i can keep on living like this i really feel like i need people like my female friend in my life, otherwise i may have an emotional breakdown and it scares me, really really scares me.
the rest of the day was shit. first off the girl in my class. i was so scared to talk to her but you know my mentality is FUCK FEAR! so im like whatever i go outside in a hall during our break and just hang out, when she comes out and goes to the bathroom i wait till she comes back and pull her to the side, chat a lil then im like "me and you should hang out sometimes" so shes like 'we should' as shes walking away from me 'well talk about it after class blah blah' so im like um........ ok. after class i come up to her and ask her if she got any classes shes like 'no' im like damn well i gotta class right now let me get yo # so we can hang out later on. then she gave me this "im annoyed" look and said 'let me get yours instead' so im standing there like WTF!? she writes down my # and i walk away feeling good thinking "oh man i did it yeah!" then the more i think about it the worse i feel, thinking to myself "DAMN BITCH! WHY CANT YOU JUST TELL ME OFF!? WHY GO THROUGH ALL THIS BULLSHIT "OH YEAH, WE SHOULD HANG OUT LETS TALK" JUST TELL ME NO! IM NOT INTERESTED IN YOU, I GOTTA BOYFRIEND, GIVE ANY EXCUSE IN THE BOOK! JUST STOP ACTING NICE WHEN ALL YOURE DOING IS MAKING ME THINK YOURE INTERESTED WHEN YOU NOT! STUPID ASS BITCH! uuugghhh that shit drives me crazy! i hate nice girls, grow some fucking balls bitch! shit... i guess nice girls really hurt my feelings cuz i dont get what they want, and they not brave enough to tell me so they can be talking to me for weeks just not to hurt my feelings and when i find out in the end it hurts me even more. its like WTF!? WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME THIS FROM THE GIT GO? DAMN! i dont know, im nice myself but really wanna learn how to tell people str8 up. cuz not doing it is annoying as hell.
then im in my class like whatever, its over and then i get my test back, its an F. i feel rejection once again, my own fault i didnt study and feel even worse. then when i left im at a bus stop, its late and its freezing, im in my button up and start shivering, then im like 'omg the girl from PSI story could appear now omg!' and fear kicks in, rejection on my mind, i start shivering from cold, it turns into paranoia shaking. im standing there with my body shaking like pootie in i love new york filled with fear mixed with rejection times 3 and madness, i really thought i was gonna lose it. people around me probably thought something was really wrong with me, i dont know. i was just standing there with my mouth and body shivering like im in the snow butt naked, you know them people that be shaking and then they look like they about to start crying? thats sort of how i looked. i dont know how long i can keep on living like this i really feel like i need people like my female friend in my life, otherwise i may have an emotional breakdown and it scares me, really really scares me.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Im tired............................
First off i wanna give a shout out to Trojanman and NunUthadan, the only two people who come through and show me love in this bitch.
I am so tired of everything right about now. if i had a wish i would find me a bitch that makes my dick as hard as a rock as well as stimulates my mind, and get the fuck away from EVERYONE, go live somewhere in the mountains for at least 6 months. damn if i could only get away like that id feel so good.
im tired of school, im tired of being alone, im tired of my roomate and his friend that came over the weekend, im tired of them being in my room, im tired of being soft, im tired of being gullable, im tired of always saying the wrong thing, im tired of offending people, im tired of not being socially intelligent, im tired of homework, im tired of not getting enough sleep, im tired of being skinny, im tired of being scared, im tired of living, im tired of being negative, im tired of having bad thoughts of beating people up, im tired of watching everyone have their moment in life that changes them from being an unhappy miserable piece of shit to a happy newborn self and im tired of me never having my moment that sets me free, im tired being undecisive, im tired of hating confrontations, im tired of never standing up for myself, im tired of not being assertive, im tired of morons, im tired of ignorant idiots, im tired of narrow minded people, im tired of selfish pieces of shits that think only of themselves, im tired of me always thinking about me, im tired of being alone, im tired of being selfish at times, im tired of not understanding things, simple things, im tired of playing a role of a victim, im tired of caring what others think about me, im tired of people who never say nothing when i greet them, im tired of people never keeping their word, im tired of my piece of shit computer being slow and weird, im tired of video games, im tired of having apathy, im tired of feeling depressed, im tired of peoples bullshit, im tired of peoples lies, im tired of my life coach that piece of shit is NOT no life coach, im tired of him not giving a fuck about me yet acting like he does, im tired of doing nothing, im tired of being sexually frustrated, im tired of being sexually confused, im tired of being confused about almost every thing in life, im tired of fear, im tired of anger, im tired of my family and them never seeing me or who i am, im tired of people who judge me before i have a chance to speak, im tired of never being heard, im tired of being treated like a kid, im tired of not having confidence, im tired of not having self respect, im tired of crying, im tired of not caring, im tired of caring, im just fucking sick and tired, of being sick and motha fucking tired. im tired... of million other things i cant list or dont remember to list right now. im also tired of never knowing anything, not knowing should i go left or should i go right, tired of always taking the wrong path, tired of not learning from my own mistakes, tired of feeling like i need someone to take care of me, tired of feeling like i cant survive on my own. this shit can go on forever but i am really really tired...
I am so tired of everything right about now. if i had a wish i would find me a bitch that makes my dick as hard as a rock as well as stimulates my mind, and get the fuck away from EVERYONE, go live somewhere in the mountains for at least 6 months. damn if i could only get away like that id feel so good.
im tired of school, im tired of being alone, im tired of my roomate and his friend that came over the weekend, im tired of them being in my room, im tired of being soft, im tired of being gullable, im tired of always saying the wrong thing, im tired of offending people, im tired of not being socially intelligent, im tired of homework, im tired of not getting enough sleep, im tired of being skinny, im tired of being scared, im tired of living, im tired of being negative, im tired of having bad thoughts of beating people up, im tired of watching everyone have their moment in life that changes them from being an unhappy miserable piece of shit to a happy newborn self and im tired of me never having my moment that sets me free, im tired being undecisive, im tired of hating confrontations, im tired of never standing up for myself, im tired of not being assertive, im tired of morons, im tired of ignorant idiots, im tired of narrow minded people, im tired of selfish pieces of shits that think only of themselves, im tired of me always thinking about me, im tired of being alone, im tired of being selfish at times, im tired of not understanding things, simple things, im tired of playing a role of a victim, im tired of caring what others think about me, im tired of people who never say nothing when i greet them, im tired of people never keeping their word, im tired of my piece of shit computer being slow and weird, im tired of video games, im tired of having apathy, im tired of feeling depressed, im tired of peoples bullshit, im tired of peoples lies, im tired of my life coach that piece of shit is NOT no life coach, im tired of him not giving a fuck about me yet acting like he does, im tired of doing nothing, im tired of being sexually frustrated, im tired of being sexually confused, im tired of being confused about almost every thing in life, im tired of fear, im tired of anger, im tired of my family and them never seeing me or who i am, im tired of people who judge me before i have a chance to speak, im tired of never being heard, im tired of being treated like a kid, im tired of not having confidence, im tired of not having self respect, im tired of crying, im tired of not caring, im tired of caring, im just fucking sick and tired, of being sick and motha fucking tired. im tired... of million other things i cant list or dont remember to list right now. im also tired of never knowing anything, not knowing should i go left or should i go right, tired of always taking the wrong path, tired of not learning from my own mistakes, tired of feeling like i need someone to take care of me, tired of feeling like i cant survive on my own. this shit can go on forever but i am really really tired...
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Ive been in this motha fucking computer lab for the last 2 hours...........
and so far i havent done shit!!! and this is how i do homework. its like i dont care, if i did all my work it wouldnt matter cuz i got nothing else to do! i got nothing to look forward to, i got no plans, i got no future, i got no fucking life!
my mom thinks if i go to school and get my degree all my problems will be solved, that i will grow up and be a man, but i dont even know what in the fuck im getting this degree for! you mean to tell me just cuz i got a piece of paper that says i completed UC then everything will be good? HELL NO! maybe thats why i stretch out these study sessions and im thinking maybe i have a learning disability. its like i dont fully understand what i read cuz I DONT CARE! i dont care about my stupid classes, i dont care about school, i dont care about reading a book, i dont care about even watching a movie sometimes, i swear i feel like whatever i do just comes back to me thinking about me and my problems so in a way i cant just escape and absorbe whatever im reading, watching, or listening to. its crazy and maybe somethings wrong with me.
i think its just that i dont take care of what i need to take care of and whatever i do just makes me think about how fucked up i am so i relate EVERYTHING to me and my life. like im in my class and my teacher is talking "class i had a great weekend, my wife blah blah and my 2 kids blah blah" and im sitting there thinking "BITCH! YOU GOT A WIFE, 2 KIDS, AND HERE YOU ARE TELLING ME ABOUT HOW HAPPY YOU ARE!? FUCK YOU! STFU!!! I DONT WANNA HEAR THIS SHIT BITCH! I CAME HERE TO LEARN NOT HEAR YOUR STUPID ASS RAMBLE ABOUT YOUR HAPPY TIMES" thats what goes through my head. thats like that with almost everything that i DONT HAVE. i get mad and nothing matters, the material im supposed to learn, or even the movie im watching, i cant even enjoy the shit cuz it comes back to me thinking about all this shit im lacking.
id drop out of school but thats the thing, i dont care about anything else either. ahh whatever im gonna go back and really try to finish this piece of shit paper, or least get like 2 pages in before i go home. i got 2 to do plus study for my anthropology test. shit.... at least i got a study partner, i had enough balls to ask this girl if i can borrow her notes and she turned out to be a cool friend. nothing serious though cuz she is like 17 and id get some serious prison time if i try to do anything with her.
ahhhhhhh fuck this, back to studying with surfing the web and checking my e-mail every 5 minutes.
my mom thinks if i go to school and get my degree all my problems will be solved, that i will grow up and be a man, but i dont even know what in the fuck im getting this degree for! you mean to tell me just cuz i got a piece of paper that says i completed UC then everything will be good? HELL NO! maybe thats why i stretch out these study sessions and im thinking maybe i have a learning disability. its like i dont fully understand what i read cuz I DONT CARE! i dont care about my stupid classes, i dont care about school, i dont care about reading a book, i dont care about even watching a movie sometimes, i swear i feel like whatever i do just comes back to me thinking about me and my problems so in a way i cant just escape and absorbe whatever im reading, watching, or listening to. its crazy and maybe somethings wrong with me.
i think its just that i dont take care of what i need to take care of and whatever i do just makes me think about how fucked up i am so i relate EVERYTHING to me and my life. like im in my class and my teacher is talking "class i had a great weekend, my wife blah blah and my 2 kids blah blah" and im sitting there thinking "BITCH! YOU GOT A WIFE, 2 KIDS, AND HERE YOU ARE TELLING ME ABOUT HOW HAPPY YOU ARE!? FUCK YOU! STFU!!! I DONT WANNA HEAR THIS SHIT BITCH! I CAME HERE TO LEARN NOT HEAR YOUR STUPID ASS RAMBLE ABOUT YOUR HAPPY TIMES" thats what goes through my head. thats like that with almost everything that i DONT HAVE. i get mad and nothing matters, the material im supposed to learn, or even the movie im watching, i cant even enjoy the shit cuz it comes back to me thinking about all this shit im lacking.
id drop out of school but thats the thing, i dont care about anything else either. ahh whatever im gonna go back and really try to finish this piece of shit paper, or least get like 2 pages in before i go home. i got 2 to do plus study for my anthropology test. shit.... at least i got a study partner, i had enough balls to ask this girl if i can borrow her notes and she turned out to be a cool friend. nothing serious though cuz she is like 17 and id get some serious prison time if i try to do anything with her.
ahhhhhhh fuck this, back to studying with surfing the web and checking my e-mail every 5 minutes.
Negative thouhts
i been reading Trojanman's blog from the beginning and there are so many things i can relate to, negative thoughts is like this huge problem i got with myself.
I was out clubbing on saturday night and i always hated dancing, oh man how i hated dancing. Not cuz i hate dancing but cuz i just cant dance and let lose, move to the beat not giving a fuck. Its cuz 1) i do got rhythm but i look like a fucking idiot dancing 2) i KNOW that i look like a fucking idiot dancing and 3) i have a very negative view of myself, i mean its a lot better then before but i still got a long way to go.
so saturday im like whatever, i eat a thc cookie right and im like yeah im going out. and for whatever reason i dont feel the effect of the weed cookie i just ate, so im at a club and my friend is like wtf man, why you sitting there by yourself? and im like cuz i like it. then when he disappeared some songs came on i like, and its like man i can not dance to just anything especially if its some garbage ass music i hate or dont relate to, or if its new to me. you know, I GOTTA KNOW THE BEAT BY HEART IN ORDER FOR ME TO WANT TO MOVE AND DANCE TO IT. so once that type of song came on i started moving and shit, i drank the bear that my friend handed to me and got a lil lose. then danced a lil more when more songs came on and then..... souljah boy's song came on and i was like AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHIIIIIIT I LOVE THIS!!!
so im like yeah bitch im moving around and im busting moves left and right, like nothing fancy but you know how they dance in the video, going backwards on the "YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU" part, and doing the zoom zoom move like in lil boosie video right. and then in the back of my mind im like "dude, youre WHITE! stop emberrasing yaself for Christs sake" and im like STFU!!! IM ENJOYING MYSELF FUCK YOU!! and the voice is like "nah fuck you! you look like a complete fuck tard those 2 brothers over there watching everyone probably think youre some dumb ass stupid wigger, i mean you move with rhythm but shit is corny man" and im like damn, why cant i fucking get rid of this negative garbage in my head and enjoy life? shit, its so fucking stressful.
i was thinking about this too last night and all day today and every time i thought about me dancing to that song and just let lose i felt soooooooooooooooooooooo uncomfortable, its like i wanna take a gun and blow my brains out uncomfortable. that negative talk and negative view of myself is preventing me from doing things i really wanna do in life and dancing to some beat i really really love is one of them.
so many people think being white is a privilege, its like being white is some sort of a fucking cure to all deceases and to living a stress free, do what you want type of life. WRONG! you dumb hoes have no clue how this shit feels. its like i know all the stereotypes of white folks and i cant speak for them cuz i was sort of raised secluded and never felt like i belonged anywhere. and i wanna do what i wanna do but its like this negative piece of shit in the back of my mind "hold the fuck up! you white, you cant dance and look good. you cant crump and look normal. you cant wear bright colors and look tight" and you know the fucked up thing is? i agree with that shit man!!! i do look retarded in bright colors cuz im pale, i do look like a fucking idiot dancing, and i got all these rules i gotta work with cuz i really wanna just find something I look good in and then buy that shit, you know. but thats just clothes though, dancing is a whole new ball game.
all im saying im sick of this negativity and i just wanna fucking let loose in a club and dance to whatever the fuck song i love dancing to. i remember when i went out clubbing by myself last year on the new years eve. man i didnt give a fuck for some reason, then my favorite song came on, blow the whistle, and i was like awwwwwwwwwww shit awwwwwwwww shit aaaaaaawww shit, i run up to some girl i talked to earlier like wanna dance? shes like no, i look at her friend wanna dance? shes like yeah and im like LETS GO! i went all out!!! not giving a fuck (then the dumb ass 'tell me when to go' came on and i was like maaaaaaaan fuck this garbage! ruined the whole fucking mood)
just wish i had those type of moods every time im trying to accomplish something, and less of this negativity in my mind. my friend said all this negative bullshit towards myself and others comes from never speaking my mind and telling people what i feel and want, and i think he is right.
I was out clubbing on saturday night and i always hated dancing, oh man how i hated dancing. Not cuz i hate dancing but cuz i just cant dance and let lose, move to the beat not giving a fuck. Its cuz 1) i do got rhythm but i look like a fucking idiot dancing 2) i KNOW that i look like a fucking idiot dancing and 3) i have a very negative view of myself, i mean its a lot better then before but i still got a long way to go.
so saturday im like whatever, i eat a thc cookie right and im like yeah im going out. and for whatever reason i dont feel the effect of the weed cookie i just ate, so im at a club and my friend is like wtf man, why you sitting there by yourself? and im like cuz i like it. then when he disappeared some songs came on i like, and its like man i can not dance to just anything especially if its some garbage ass music i hate or dont relate to, or if its new to me. you know, I GOTTA KNOW THE BEAT BY HEART IN ORDER FOR ME TO WANT TO MOVE AND DANCE TO IT. so once that type of song came on i started moving and shit, i drank the bear that my friend handed to me and got a lil lose. then danced a lil more when more songs came on and then..... souljah boy's song came on and i was like AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHIIIIIIT I LOVE THIS!!!
so im like yeah bitch im moving around and im busting moves left and right, like nothing fancy but you know how they dance in the video, going backwards on the "YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU" part, and doing the zoom zoom move like in lil boosie video right. and then in the back of my mind im like "dude, youre WHITE! stop emberrasing yaself for Christs sake" and im like STFU!!! IM ENJOYING MYSELF FUCK YOU!! and the voice is like "nah fuck you! you look like a complete fuck tard those 2 brothers over there watching everyone probably think youre some dumb ass stupid wigger, i mean you move with rhythm but shit is corny man" and im like damn, why cant i fucking get rid of this negative garbage in my head and enjoy life? shit, its so fucking stressful.
i was thinking about this too last night and all day today and every time i thought about me dancing to that song and just let lose i felt soooooooooooooooooooooo uncomfortable, its like i wanna take a gun and blow my brains out uncomfortable. that negative talk and negative view of myself is preventing me from doing things i really wanna do in life and dancing to some beat i really really love is one of them.
so many people think being white is a privilege, its like being white is some sort of a fucking cure to all deceases and to living a stress free, do what you want type of life. WRONG! you dumb hoes have no clue how this shit feels. its like i know all the stereotypes of white folks and i cant speak for them cuz i was sort of raised secluded and never felt like i belonged anywhere. and i wanna do what i wanna do but its like this negative piece of shit in the back of my mind "hold the fuck up! you white, you cant dance and look good. you cant crump and look normal. you cant wear bright colors and look tight" and you know the fucked up thing is? i agree with that shit man!!! i do look retarded in bright colors cuz im pale, i do look like a fucking idiot dancing, and i got all these rules i gotta work with cuz i really wanna just find something I look good in and then buy that shit, you know. but thats just clothes though, dancing is a whole new ball game.
all im saying im sick of this negativity and i just wanna fucking let loose in a club and dance to whatever the fuck song i love dancing to. i remember when i went out clubbing by myself last year on the new years eve. man i didnt give a fuck for some reason, then my favorite song came on, blow the whistle, and i was like awwwwwwwwwww shit awwwwwwwww shit aaaaaaawww shit, i run up to some girl i talked to earlier like wanna dance? shes like no, i look at her friend wanna dance? shes like yeah and im like LETS GO! i went all out!!! not giving a fuck (then the dumb ass 'tell me when to go' came on and i was like maaaaaaaan fuck this garbage! ruined the whole fucking mood)
just wish i had those type of moods every time im trying to accomplish something, and less of this negativity in my mind. my friend said all this negative bullshit towards myself and others comes from never speaking my mind and telling people what i feel and want, and i think he is right.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)