so yesterday after I trained my Kung Fu, I left and approached this girl outside. Afterwards, I felt this fear running through my body. And when I got home, I felt weak because I didn't eat for 7 hours. So, finally I ate my frozen burrito, thinking it will make me feel better. I still felt weak and like I was going to faint. my plans were to go out, drink 4 shots of vodka before I get to the club. And then talk to girls there while drunk. But I didn't go. I was worried that if I already feel like passing out, vodka may just do that.
Today I thought fuck it, no work tomorrow and I will go out tonight instead. It's Sunday so it would be slow, so no drinking. But I still feel weak like yesterday.
So I am watching this funny ass movie, Dinner for Schmucks, because I thought I need to watch something funny when I feel shitty rather than browse toxic pol on the weekend. And I had this HUGE panic attack. This is why I stopped smoking weed, cuz i'd get these all the time. But now I am sober and I felt like kms. Called my tranny friend, literally the only one i have, and she calmed me down and told me to take the pill my doc subscribed to me. I ended up in ER last year cuz had a panic attack just like this. they told me it's from stress and nothing is wrong with me.
I feel better now, but still weak. I just feel like it's too heavy to be in this body with all my problems. And I am so lonely. it's too much sometimes to handle. I am also doing No Fap and on it for a while. Feel a lot better mentally and physically, but sometimes I need to release. But soon I'm going to Europe to do some self improvement for myself, and I hope it helps.
I haven't been blogging at all, because I guess I am just really private and stopped caring about my blog lately. So, maybe I'll blog again. Maybe not. it's kinda random, not like I used to post all the time. I just hope I'll be okay. I'm trying to improve myself in my love life and my social life, but it's so fucking hard. sometimes I just wanna get drunk and numb my feelings down, so that I don't have to feel the pain of loneliness and worthlessness. Because everywhere I go, all I see is couples everywhere. Feels like I'm disconnected from humanity and everything else in the universe.
Showing posts with label Women. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Women. Show all posts
Sunday, May 26, 2019
Thursday, March 14, 2019
M.I.A. is a dumb ass
I can't believe I used to look up to this idiot. But then again, she's a rapper. and rap is the most lowest vibration of music on earth. nothing but worshipping of swag, bling, and glorification of crime because it's so "cool" where you get street cred for "struggling". After learning everything I've learned, I can safely say MIA is a complete moron that has no sense of clue of how the world works. But she shouldn't feel too bad, most rappers are this way. I realized this after I saw her "Borders" video about a year ago. Jesus fucking Christ!! what a globalist moron!
Some men say women belong behind cages. I disagree. Women belong in the kitchen raising their children into healthy and productive adults. This is what nature made them to do-give birth and raise their offspring. It's been that way for eons since humans have been around, and it won't change anytime soon. But now with all this feminism and "equal rights" poison that is sweeping the west, all these "independent women" think that they need "rights". Hence, all the women are focusing on their careers and end up miserable, single, and old cat ladies. Then minorities are laughing at white women and blames them for not making enough kids. When there are bigger forces that are behind this massive brainwashing and genocide. I won't even get into this now, but yeah I just wanted to vent.
M.I.A. is a complete and utter MORON! She always talks about crooked politicians in black countries but never mentions an average IQ in black nations, and the fact that all the nations ran by these low IQ Sub Saharans are corrupted to shit! they simply don't know how to plan for the future, and mainly live in the moment. this is why blacks in general are more laid back and easy going. but that's also why all their countries and neighborhoods look like sewers. Women all need to be stripped off their rights of running for office, and yes even voting. But I'm afraid we are going in the same direction as Rome. Soon this American empire, and the entire west will collapse. Hell on earth will ensue once darker low IQ races will take over. But some only learn the hard way...
Monday, March 26, 2018
Craigslist personals get shut down
"What happened to Craigslist personals?" is probably what a lot of people will be wondering. Due to congress passing a law, H.R.1865, cl simply took them down...
https://www.congress.gov/bill/115th-congress/house-bill/1865
I do wonder where a lot of the "working girls" are going to go. Some used cl to survive, just like redpage or whatever that website was called. But can't say I'll miss craiglist personals. I've met a few women from there, one flaked on me in Oakland. She drove by in a car covering her face in a passenger seat while I was waiting for her. The last woman I "met" off of there looked so different from her pictures, I drove off when she didn't recognize my car (THANK GOD!) And by the time she noticed me, I was already too far around the corner for her to do anything. She looked like a crack whore, and I'm not even over-exagarating.
And something tells me I didn't even have it that bad. I read stories of guys getting robbed by crazy women who brought their boyfriend/pimp/etc.. hiding in a bathroom, or others where women get in your car acting crazy and won't let you go unless you give them money. This is why I was very cautious when meeting people. 99% of the time, it was just trolls, hookers, or my messages simply got ignored. Cl personals was like a place for all the girls who were too ugly to get attention irl, men who can't get laid, working girls, or crazies. You'd find a decent woman there every now and then, but due to the amount of men flooding that site, chances of that happening was almost none.
I do wonder what website all these people will migrate to, though.
https://www.congress.gov/bill/115th-congress/house-bill/1865
I do wonder where a lot of the "working girls" are going to go. Some used cl to survive, just like redpage or whatever that website was called. But can't say I'll miss craiglist personals. I've met a few women from there, one flaked on me in Oakland. She drove by in a car covering her face in a passenger seat while I was waiting for her. The last woman I "met" off of there looked so different from her pictures, I drove off when she didn't recognize my car (THANK GOD!) And by the time she noticed me, I was already too far around the corner for her to do anything. She looked like a crack whore, and I'm not even over-exagarating.
And something tells me I didn't even have it that bad. I read stories of guys getting robbed by crazy women who brought their boyfriend/pimp/etc.. hiding in a bathroom, or others where women get in your car acting crazy and won't let you go unless you give them money. This is why I was very cautious when meeting people. 99% of the time, it was just trolls, hookers, or my messages simply got ignored. Cl personals was like a place for all the girls who were too ugly to get attention irl, men who can't get laid, working girls, or crazies. You'd find a decent woman there every now and then, but due to the amount of men flooding that site, chances of that happening was almost none.
I do wonder what website all these people will migrate to, though.
Friday, December 8, 2017
Looks, Money, Status
some parts of this video had me laughing for a good minute. reminds me back in my PUAHate posting days. The guys there were doing these Male Model experiments, and those were the funniest threads I read in my life. Girls would reply to craziest shit the more gl the guy was. I left 6-12 months before Elliot Rogers went on his killing spree cuz it was so toxic, but I don't remember him posting there. Maybe cuz he was just another screen name to me, or he wasn't posting back then..
Sunday, October 30, 2016
I lost my virginity
Technically, I already did with a tranny when I blogged about it. But since some people say that the only way you can truly lose your virginity is with an opposite sex. Today was that day. October 30, 2016. I was jerking off all day practicing my "tantra", and was so horny I busted within a few strokes.
Not gonna go into details, but let's just say that... there was a "price" to pay for the pussy. There is always price you pay for the pussy, cuz pussy is in high demand. Men start wars over this shit, and some men go out and blow themselves up and take 100 people with them. Because in the end, they believe in their mind that will get pussy. Crazy. Well, on a good note, I am not one of those psychopaths or lost souls willing to hurt and murder people. Thank god. It could've technically be me. Anyone lost and needing purpose in life could get brainwashed enough to do the craziest shit... for pussy.
Anyway, I'm smoking weed tonight for the last time in a while. Damn I talk a lot when I smoke. It's good therapy. I don't talk enough. I need to smoke some and go out every week. Soon... I'm working on a plan to turn my life around, get money, pussy, and grow as much as possible before I go.
But I'm thinking of moving. My landlord and his fam really walk a lot and that shit cuts deep and get on my nerves. We'll see. I'll talk to him tomorrow when I pay my rent. Maybe they can tone it down, or if not I'm outta here. fuck that shit. I don't need stress. When I don't nap, I hear them stumping for HOURS. I already talked to him, it got better but still it's really bad some nights. One of my goals is to go out after work and find a good vibe coffee shop. Study on my A+ and a Mac certificate. And come home at around 10pm. maybe do that 3x a week. Plus, finish another Seth book I am ready. I been reading it for like 6 months. So yeah, going out of my basement could really help me and no more naps so much. I take naps cuz I try to have Out-of-Body Experiences, when I completely forget and abondon my In-Body Experiences.
Anyway, I am out for now. Gonna go eat, shower, and get ready for work tomorrow. I really need sleep.
Not gonna go into details, but let's just say that... there was a "price" to pay for the pussy. There is always price you pay for the pussy, cuz pussy is in high demand. Men start wars over this shit, and some men go out and blow themselves up and take 100 people with them. Because in the end, they believe in their mind that will get pussy. Crazy. Well, on a good note, I am not one of those psychopaths or lost souls willing to hurt and murder people. Thank god. It could've technically be me. Anyone lost and needing purpose in life could get brainwashed enough to do the craziest shit... for pussy.
Anyway, I'm smoking weed tonight for the last time in a while. Damn I talk a lot when I smoke. It's good therapy. I don't talk enough. I need to smoke some and go out every week. Soon... I'm working on a plan to turn my life around, get money, pussy, and grow as much as possible before I go.
But I'm thinking of moving. My landlord and his fam really walk a lot and that shit cuts deep and get on my nerves. We'll see. I'll talk to him tomorrow when I pay my rent. Maybe they can tone it down, or if not I'm outta here. fuck that shit. I don't need stress. When I don't nap, I hear them stumping for HOURS. I already talked to him, it got better but still it's really bad some nights. One of my goals is to go out after work and find a good vibe coffee shop. Study on my A+ and a Mac certificate. And come home at around 10pm. maybe do that 3x a week. Plus, finish another Seth book I am ready. I been reading it for like 6 months. So yeah, going out of my basement could really help me and no more naps so much. I take naps cuz I try to have Out-of-Body Experiences, when I completely forget and abondon my In-Body Experiences.
Anyway, I am out for now. Gonna go eat, shower, and get ready for work tomorrow. I really need sleep.
Friday, September 30, 2016
I am fucked up
so today is my birthday, and I am at the lowest mental state I have been in a long time. listening to this song to keep my spirits up. it's helping a little, but not much
I can barely type, because tendons in my hands are fucked up. I am too insecure to speak words into my computer because I don't want no one hearing what I have to share here at work or even at home-all paranoid that my roommate or my landlord/his fam hears me upstairs. I have such low self-esteem. it's truly disgusting. there is a new girl at work that sits in my cube, and she is real pretty. she is portuguese, spanish, and mexican. I am too fucking nervous to talk to her, and tbh i dont want to. i done it once and dont wanna do it again. i am sick of women and especially the whole game of men needing to be the conversation starters, leaders, and closers-bringing these bitches out of their shell. fuck that bullshit! i have a hard time bringing myself out of MY shell. what makes these hoes so different?
I am paranoid that they see everything I type here at work, but I keep blogging here regardless. I am not sure if this will be my last blog for a while, but I really am exhausted from life. I feel so overwhelmed, i cannot even put it into words. was just watching people dance at raves on youtube. and i feel so fucking shameful, and self-pittied. i can barely dance in front of myself sometimes, feeling all self-concious thinking some spirits are watching me. it's hard to dance in front of people. i am a paranoid fuck. i was thinking on why i am an outcast, and so weird. and one thing comes to mind-my Jewish ancestry. even with me being tuned into this Alt-Right movement, white nationalism, and the understanding the struggle of whites being genocided by psycho Jews, I can sort of see why Jews want them destroyed. many of these parasitic Jews feel like me. they are outcasts living in a foreign land without a country. they dont fit in with the natives, and they want to hurt them to make them feel their pain. exactly why these sociopaths go on shooting sprees. but then again, this is just my theory. who knows the real answer.
even my Russian European side doesn't really come through much. my Russian grandfather was a gangster, and a leader of some gang in Russia. he had 17 knife wounds on his body from fighting people with knives. and I am like the complete opposite of that. never even met the guy. he passed I think 10 days after I was born. I never met any of my grandfathers. never had any male role models of close relatives. so no wonder i never developed a strong confidence and the understanding of what it's like to be a man. even with all the martial arts I am doing, it doesn't really help me to gain any confidence. I think I need to get back into Pick-up and take action. but i barely wanna leave my room, which is my comfort zone. every time i think to self "i wanna go out tonight by myself". i just end up googling different spots, and abandoning the mission. my PTSD is out of control. i was even thinking of doing some ecstasy because I heard it helps people like me, but dont even know any people who i can get it from.
I hung out with one tranny last Friday, and i really like her. but the tranny community is weird. if you wanna be with a tranny, chances are you gotta pay. not gonna go into the whole story of what happened, but I have a feeling she likes me. or maybe it's just my naivety speaking. and even with her I am scared. she is a party girl-likes to go out drinking, different clubs, feels like she has a strong character. and i can't stop thinking of people messing with me the second my foot hits the ground after i park my car, with fear running through my veins like electric waves traveling throughout my body. I am a mess, but I think this trans community was meant for me. so many weirdos in it, oh man... they make me look sort of normal haha. so out of all the creeps and old men these trannies meet, i am the guy they actually want to get to know. i cant even imagine how turned off most women would be once they find out about me, my skeletons, including my attraction for transsexuals. but i dont need to imagine it. most women are very cold to me. they probably pickup on my vibe of chaos and fear.
most days I just stay home or hang out with my ts friend thinking to myself 'what do i do with my life?' because in the end, I just don't know. I find myself giving up, starting back up, but giving up more often. I just dont know what to do. but in the end, happy birthday to me!
I can barely type, because tendons in my hands are fucked up. I am too insecure to speak words into my computer because I don't want no one hearing what I have to share here at work or even at home-all paranoid that my roommate or my landlord/his fam hears me upstairs. I have such low self-esteem. it's truly disgusting. there is a new girl at work that sits in my cube, and she is real pretty. she is portuguese, spanish, and mexican. I am too fucking nervous to talk to her, and tbh i dont want to. i done it once and dont wanna do it again. i am sick of women and especially the whole game of men needing to be the conversation starters, leaders, and closers-bringing these bitches out of their shell. fuck that bullshit! i have a hard time bringing myself out of MY shell. what makes these hoes so different?
I am paranoid that they see everything I type here at work, but I keep blogging here regardless. I am not sure if this will be my last blog for a while, but I really am exhausted from life. I feel so overwhelmed, i cannot even put it into words. was just watching people dance at raves on youtube. and i feel so fucking shameful, and self-pittied. i can barely dance in front of myself sometimes, feeling all self-concious thinking some spirits are watching me. it's hard to dance in front of people. i am a paranoid fuck. i was thinking on why i am an outcast, and so weird. and one thing comes to mind-my Jewish ancestry. even with me being tuned into this Alt-Right movement, white nationalism, and the understanding the struggle of whites being genocided by psycho Jews, I can sort of see why Jews want them destroyed. many of these parasitic Jews feel like me. they are outcasts living in a foreign land without a country. they dont fit in with the natives, and they want to hurt them to make them feel their pain. exactly why these sociopaths go on shooting sprees. but then again, this is just my theory. who knows the real answer.
even my Russian European side doesn't really come through much. my Russian grandfather was a gangster, and a leader of some gang in Russia. he had 17 knife wounds on his body from fighting people with knives. and I am like the complete opposite of that. never even met the guy. he passed I think 10 days after I was born. I never met any of my grandfathers. never had any male role models of close relatives. so no wonder i never developed a strong confidence and the understanding of what it's like to be a man. even with all the martial arts I am doing, it doesn't really help me to gain any confidence. I think I need to get back into Pick-up and take action. but i barely wanna leave my room, which is my comfort zone. every time i think to self "i wanna go out tonight by myself". i just end up googling different spots, and abandoning the mission. my PTSD is out of control. i was even thinking of doing some ecstasy because I heard it helps people like me, but dont even know any people who i can get it from.
I hung out with one tranny last Friday, and i really like her. but the tranny community is weird. if you wanna be with a tranny, chances are you gotta pay. not gonna go into the whole story of what happened, but I have a feeling she likes me. or maybe it's just my naivety speaking. and even with her I am scared. she is a party girl-likes to go out drinking, different clubs, feels like she has a strong character. and i can't stop thinking of people messing with me the second my foot hits the ground after i park my car, with fear running through my veins like electric waves traveling throughout my body. I am a mess, but I think this trans community was meant for me. so many weirdos in it, oh man... they make me look sort of normal haha. so out of all the creeps and old men these trannies meet, i am the guy they actually want to get to know. i cant even imagine how turned off most women would be once they find out about me, my skeletons, including my attraction for transsexuals. but i dont need to imagine it. most women are very cold to me. they probably pickup on my vibe of chaos and fear.
most days I just stay home or hang out with my ts friend thinking to myself 'what do i do with my life?' because in the end, I just don't know. I find myself giving up, starting back up, but giving up more often. I just dont know what to do. but in the end, happy birthday to me!
Thursday, September 22, 2016
I got an e-mail of this German girl
last time I had a date was over a year ago when I was still doing Pick-up in a mall. my social life is a joke!! but anyway, believe it or not, this was at work and just happened like 10 minutes ago.
She is from Germany and is going back by the end of the year. she is about a 6, 7 max. blonde hair, blue eyes. even though I am very picky, we had a really good conversation, and I just said I wanna continue it over coffee. she said yes. I was expecting a no, since I get that 99% of the time. but my guess is that Europeans are very different than Americans, especially Californians, who are indirect and fake as hell. I asked for her #, but she gave me her e-mail instead. no one was around, so I felt no social pressure. still got really nervous when I thought about asking her.
I'll blog about what happened. stay tuned.
She is from Germany and is going back by the end of the year. she is about a 6, 7 max. blonde hair, blue eyes. even though I am very picky, we had a really good conversation, and I just said I wanna continue it over coffee. she said yes. I was expecting a no, since I get that 99% of the time. but my guess is that Europeans are very different than Americans, especially Californians, who are indirect and fake as hell. I asked for her #, but she gave me her e-mail instead. no one was around, so I felt no social pressure. still got really nervous when I thought about asking her.
I'll blog about what happened. stay tuned.
Monday, August 1, 2016
Women don't belong in Politics
they shouldn't even be allowed to vote, if you ask me. they belong in the kitchen, and birthing children, what nature created them to do, raising them to be healthy and productive adults. not running nations into the ground. but this feminism cancer is just another tool being used to destroy the western world
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
Brian Tracy
I like this guy. I remember when I was watching lots of Bob Proctor speeches. he was very well informed and had the right ideas. but I felt like he kept me in a loop of positive thinking, and coming back to view his material. this 1 video of Brian Tracy right here did more for me, than watching all those Bob Proctor lectures
I will start doing some of these things right away, others I would have to sit down and prepare to plan them. I am getting back into working on myself and really find ways to get more successful in life, and not just with women. I finally finished my Photoshop DVD, but I am so lazy that it took me nearly a year! A YEAR!! If I really sat down and planned it all out studying it every day, it could've taken me a few months tops!
Anyway, here is another good video I want to share. No more spending all my free time watching and reading news about the world blowing up. I'll keep that to a minimum, and will skip most of the stories. I invest so much time in this shit, that I simply don't have energy for self-improvement in my life anymore.
I will start doing some of these things right away, others I would have to sit down and prepare to plan them. I am getting back into working on myself and really find ways to get more successful in life, and not just with women. I finally finished my Photoshop DVD, but I am so lazy that it took me nearly a year! A YEAR!! If I really sat down and planned it all out studying it every day, it could've taken me a few months tops!
Anyway, here is another good video I want to share. No more spending all my free time watching and reading news about the world blowing up. I'll keep that to a minimum, and will skip most of the stories. I invest so much time in this shit, that I simply don't have energy for self-improvement in my life anymore.
Monday, April 4, 2016
I just saw a Goddess, pt. 2
As I was talking about this earlier, I just saw her again. As I was walking by, she was coming into the building from a balcony. As we got close, we both realized each others' presence. The good news is, she is a loner like me. The bad news is, she doesn't seem to be interested in me at all. At least that's how I read her. She looked away right away and kept on walking.
But there is another girl that I think really likes me. I actually managed to talk to her a week before last, and got her name! Felt so good afterwards. She even asked me mine when didn't hear it and asked me about what part of the company I work at. Will blog more about her if anything ever comes out of this. Stay tuned.
But there is another girl that I think really likes me. I actually managed to talk to her a week before last, and got her name! Felt so good afterwards. She even asked me mine when didn't hear it and asked me about what part of the company I work at. Will blog more about her if anything ever comes out of this. Stay tuned.
Thursday, March 24, 2016
I just saw a Goddess
WHOOOO!!! DAMN!!! I just saw the hottest girl I have probably ever seen. you know, before I came to this country, I had a dream to grow up, marry a blonde, and have 2-3 children with her. then the inevitable happened, I started to watch the liberal media, hating my white skin, and wanting to go with black girls. I digress.. but DAMMNN!!!
this girl was about my height, really thick, blonde hair, blue eyes, white olive skin. maybe I will have her next lifetime. can't really say anything in this corporate world without getting in trouble. and especially me, someone with not so much social experience of the opposite sex. make her uncomfortable, and hear from your boss with "nice working with you". Happened to me before. I've seen this happen to co-workers before. that's just the rules in this place. she sat a table away, and then left after like 30 seconds. HANDS DOWN THE HOTTEST GIRL I HAVE SEEN IN THIS WHOLE COMPANY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A EUROPEAN GODDESS!!!!!!!!!
going to lunch now. maybe I can see her again, so I can stare when she's not looking, so I don't look like a creep... lol
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Trump's "Tricks" and WoW
what people like this don't realize, is that Trump is a natural. a "natural" is what in the PUA community would be called a guy who is good with women, but never knew how and why. He was just always good. But what makes Trump different, is that he actually knows what he is doing. naturals who get lots of women are just on the autopilot. that's who they are. and if you came to them and asked them 'teach me, dude. i wanna know how to pick up hots chicks like you'. he wouldn't be able to give you any sort of advice because they wouldnt know what they are really doing considering they'd been doing it all their life. Trump dissected his skill, and wrote a book about it. I wanna read Art of the Deal one day, since I AM on the path of getting rich. and I will get there. but anyway, yeah. just thought it was funny how these people think Trump just throws tactics. I mean he does. but I think his answers come from experience. He talks about being at the border. I have seen him doing a press conference at the border with Sherif, the main trader, and other officials. He talks about getting advice from lawyers. well, Trump has lawyers working for him. that's a no brainer that his advice comes from somewhere. why would Trump make himself look like a moron in front of millions of laywers watching his interviews? until I see some real dirt on Trump with how he is a liar, corrupt, 'racist' (still looking for this evidence. if you find it, let me know.) or evil, and I have yet to see any of these, Trump will always remain to be the man, the mystery, the LEGEND!
reminds me of my Flyby gnome mage when I went around ganking horde for hours and owning those that would come and try to rescue them. shit, which server was I on? I think it was MagicWoW. What a shit server it was. I sure do miss my times on Wowcrack. holy balls that was the best times I ever had in a video game. I remember that 90 men raid on Orgrimmar was so epic, I dreamed to be in something like. too bad it never happened again. I did have a nice mage on another BC server. we raided Orgrimmar with 30 people and held it for like 20 mins. it was a smaller server which is why world pvp was soooooo much more fun. but with bugs and DCs, i got tired of it. yeah, WoW just sucks donkey dick nowadays. just a bunch of mind numbing repetitive crap. dailies, bgs, dungeons, questing; rinse and repeat. once could end up doing these things 2-3 hours a day! just wasting time on dailies and dungeons and dailies MY GOD! the game turned to shit. it was from 'hey man wanna come raid and kill some horde?' >>> "hell yeah! which city do we go to first?". to 'hey bro, wanna do dailies with me?'. the game pretty much died after LK came out. i met one or two guys still trying to revive world pvp, but we all knew it was a joke by that point and is never coming back. even all those "world pvp" maps sucked. by the time that map that came out in Cataclysm i think i was already working a 9 to 5 and couldn't play video games as much. I mean i did played 4 hours per day but deep inside i knew these are my last days. it just never sunk deep enough yet "you are doing the same shit over and over again every day and the game makes you be its slave, vs making this game your bitch and play however you want". Blizzard really sold its soul out and now only make games that make you an addict, and turns you into a zombie. instead of having infinite ways to play the game, you end up playing it the exact same way this company designed you to play it. and if you don't, yo udon't get the goodies. fuck Blizzard! I haven't bought one game since i Cataclysm and never going to. I have no respect for this company. I played Heroes of the Storm, and it's a fun game to play from time to time. but if I had to pay for this game, I would never go near it. fuck Blizzard! fuck WoW! I like my Wii U infiniteX better.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Donald Trump shuts down a feminist
Feminist: I wanna get paid the same as a man, and I think you undersatnd that. so, if you become president, will a woman make the same as a man? and do I get to chose what I do with my body?
Trump: you're gonna make the same, if you do as good a job
just lol at this feminazi biatch standing there after getting owned..
Friday, November 13, 2015
one girl at work likes me...
here we go again... these are the stages women who like me go through...
Stage 1: who is that?
Stage 2: why isn't he talking to me?
Stage 3: is he gonna take to me? *grows impatient*
Stage 4: omg.. wth is his problem?
Stage 5: fuck him! *gets really mad*
not all end up in stage 5, but I've seen a few and they get heated!! lol. what can I say... I am a fucking mess. usually, women who like mysterious guys like me. because I am a big question mark.
I really wanna get better with women and people, I really do. unfortunately, the corporate world is not a good place to practice. I have been fired from a job for trying to talk to a woman. I have seen guys get fired for trying to talk to women on the job. if you are nervous in a corporate world environment talking with a woman, all she has to do is go tell her supervisor that you made her uncomfortable. and that would be your job. is it worth it? fuck no! but anyway...
this girl looks either latin or middle eastern. she is fine as helllll!!! probably the finest girl I've seen in the whole company. I've seen her a few times working the front window, and saw her walk home today as well. I really wanna get back into pick-up one day, but I stopped approaching almost completely due to money, no friends, and me not having independence. I am way too ashamed with my living situation, my age, and having nothing to show for. what else can I say. life goes on...
Stage 1: who is that?
Stage 2: why isn't he talking to me?
Stage 3: is he gonna take to me? *grows impatient*
Stage 4: omg.. wth is his problem?
Stage 5: fuck him! *gets really mad*
not all end up in stage 5, but I've seen a few and they get heated!! lol. what can I say... I am a fucking mess. usually, women who like mysterious guys like me. because I am a big question mark.
I really wanna get better with women and people, I really do. unfortunately, the corporate world is not a good place to practice. I have been fired from a job for trying to talk to a woman. I have seen guys get fired for trying to talk to women on the job. if you are nervous in a corporate world environment talking with a woman, all she has to do is go tell her supervisor that you made her uncomfortable. and that would be your job. is it worth it? fuck no! but anyway...
this girl looks either latin or middle eastern. she is fine as helllll!!! probably the finest girl I've seen in the whole company. I've seen her a few times working the front window, and saw her walk home today as well. I really wanna get back into pick-up one day, but I stopped approaching almost completely due to money, no friends, and me not having independence. I am way too ashamed with my living situation, my age, and having nothing to show for. what else can I say. life goes on...
Monday, October 12, 2015
Look at these Stupid Bitches
feminism is such horseshit, it is laughable. if you take a man from the 60s, put him in a time machine, and bring him to 2015, he wouldn't know where the fuck he is. women act like a bunch of crazy bitches who could get away with anything, and when you knock their dumb ass out, they yell CALL 911!! CALL 911!!!!! LMAO!!!!!!! you stupid bitch. if you act like a man, expect to be treated like one...
Saturday, September 5, 2015
Is Our Friendship Over?
So today something happened between me and my friend. I'll comeback to this, but first I'll touch on what happened a few weeks back.
My transsexual friend was going to SoCal to get a breast surgery. She asked me to give her a ride and I agreed. I get to her place on Saturday, and she tells me to take her to the airport. So, we get in my car, I go get gas, and we start driving. She tells me not to bother her, puts on her new Beats headphones and falls asleep. 30 mins later, we arrive. I drop her off, she thanks me and I drive off. I get a call 1 minute later with her yelling "you're so stupid, you took me to the wrong airport!" I tell her "you never told which airport, but just said 'airport'. how the heck was I supposed to know?" I told her just wait, and I'll be right over and there is traffic. the Airport was packed with cars. She yells at me "I will never ask you to do me a favor ever again!!!" and hung up. Literally 5 mins later, I do a loop, pull up to the airport, and call her. She doesn't pick up. I did get a text earlier but didn't feel like checking while driving. I call her again. She picks up "go home! don't worry. thank you for the ride" and hangs up.
So, I thought wtf!? and drove off. I didn't feel like circling around looking for her, not knowing what happened. I tell this story to my uncle and he goes "wtf? like a typical woman". So, at least this wasn't my fault. Later on I get a phone call from her and turns out she spent $100 on a taxi instead of waiting an extra 3 minutes for me. Okay, whatever.
Today something similar happened. She lost her phone, so we had a hard time getting a hold of each other. But I eventually made it to her place. She asked me to go with her because she needed to get some clothes picked up. I had to go get gas, so as I pull up I tell her to wait because I also gotta clean my windows a little. She goes "nooo! I am gonna walk. catch up with me!" I tell her WTF!?! DON'T!!! HOW AM I GONNA FIND YOU!?!?! I DONT WANNA DRIVE AROUND LOOKING FOR YOU! YOU TREAT ME LIKE SHIT!! etc.. She goes okay, do your stuff, and gets out of the car waiting outside listening to her Beats headphones again. I couldn't even wash my car because an Asian couple were using both available wipers. So I get gas, and we leave.
She has her headphones on listening to the same shit over and over. She points finger where to drop her off. As I do, I realize that it's a red zone. So, she does not say ANYTHING. Just leaves my car. I drive in reverse and pull to the right into a narrow valley to wait there instead. It's about half a block away. So right as I park, I see her yelling my name. It's a one way street so I was gonna backup until I see her walking towards me carrying a heavy load. She goes "help me proper or don't help me at all! I'm gonna get a taxi if you don't! blah blah". I tell her I can't park there, etc.. She goes "yes, you can just wait for me!! blah blah. forget it! I'm gonna go get a taxi!!" takes her heavy load and takes off. I yell at her but she ignores me with her beats headphones on. I drive to her place, literally 5 minutes away. She pulls up in a taxi 5 mins after me. My backpack and my laptop is in her place so I had no choice. Otherwise, I would've went home.
She brings her stuff and dumps it on the ground. Then brings 2 more loads of clothing of what looks like laundry. Opens the door all pissed off, and says "I don't need no help". I still pick up the 3rd load as we take an elevator up to her floor. I go in, get my stuff, and leave. She goes her way, I go mine.
So I was thinking, is this the end of our friendship? And most importantly, Is this how all beautiful women act? I was going to help her pay for her internet bill, and with some other stuff. But she just acted like a biatch. How the hell can I even communicate with her if she doesn't even tell me anything. How long are you gonna be? Is that hard to tell me? I can't wait in a red zone, LET ALONE IN A BUS RED ZONE! That's why I re-parked.
Anyway, I spent the money I was going to give her on myself today. Did 2 things for me I was putting off for a real long time. It's crazy how I spend all my time on helping her, when I completely neglect my own needs. This is what I need to do. Spend time on myself, set goals, and accomplish them. Otherwise, no matter how many friends I make, or don't make, I will never leave my predicament.
My transsexual friend was going to SoCal to get a breast surgery. She asked me to give her a ride and I agreed. I get to her place on Saturday, and she tells me to take her to the airport. So, we get in my car, I go get gas, and we start driving. She tells me not to bother her, puts on her new Beats headphones and falls asleep. 30 mins later, we arrive. I drop her off, she thanks me and I drive off. I get a call 1 minute later with her yelling "you're so stupid, you took me to the wrong airport!" I tell her "you never told which airport, but just said 'airport'. how the heck was I supposed to know?" I told her just wait, and I'll be right over and there is traffic. the Airport was packed with cars. She yells at me "I will never ask you to do me a favor ever again!!!" and hung up. Literally 5 mins later, I do a loop, pull up to the airport, and call her. She doesn't pick up. I did get a text earlier but didn't feel like checking while driving. I call her again. She picks up "go home! don't worry. thank you for the ride" and hangs up.
So, I thought wtf!? and drove off. I didn't feel like circling around looking for her, not knowing what happened. I tell this story to my uncle and he goes "wtf? like a typical woman". So, at least this wasn't my fault. Later on I get a phone call from her and turns out she spent $100 on a taxi instead of waiting an extra 3 minutes for me. Okay, whatever.
Today something similar happened. She lost her phone, so we had a hard time getting a hold of each other. But I eventually made it to her place. She asked me to go with her because she needed to get some clothes picked up. I had to go get gas, so as I pull up I tell her to wait because I also gotta clean my windows a little. She goes "nooo! I am gonna walk. catch up with me!" I tell her WTF!?! DON'T!!! HOW AM I GONNA FIND YOU!?!?! I DONT WANNA DRIVE AROUND LOOKING FOR YOU! YOU TREAT ME LIKE SHIT!! etc.. She goes okay, do your stuff, and gets out of the car waiting outside listening to her Beats headphones again. I couldn't even wash my car because an Asian couple were using both available wipers. So I get gas, and we leave.
She has her headphones on listening to the same shit over and over. She points finger where to drop her off. As I do, I realize that it's a red zone. So, she does not say ANYTHING. Just leaves my car. I drive in reverse and pull to the right into a narrow valley to wait there instead. It's about half a block away. So right as I park, I see her yelling my name. It's a one way street so I was gonna backup until I see her walking towards me carrying a heavy load. She goes "help me proper or don't help me at all! I'm gonna get a taxi if you don't! blah blah". I tell her I can't park there, etc.. She goes "yes, you can just wait for me!! blah blah. forget it! I'm gonna go get a taxi!!" takes her heavy load and takes off. I yell at her but she ignores me with her beats headphones on. I drive to her place, literally 5 minutes away. She pulls up in a taxi 5 mins after me. My backpack and my laptop is in her place so I had no choice. Otherwise, I would've went home.
She brings her stuff and dumps it on the ground. Then brings 2 more loads of clothing of what looks like laundry. Opens the door all pissed off, and says "I don't need no help". I still pick up the 3rd load as we take an elevator up to her floor. I go in, get my stuff, and leave. She goes her way, I go mine.
So I was thinking, is this the end of our friendship? And most importantly, Is this how all beautiful women act? I was going to help her pay for her internet bill, and with some other stuff. But she just acted like a biatch. How the hell can I even communicate with her if she doesn't even tell me anything. How long are you gonna be? Is that hard to tell me? I can't wait in a red zone, LET ALONE IN A BUS RED ZONE! That's why I re-parked.
Anyway, I spent the money I was going to give her on myself today. Did 2 things for me I was putting off for a real long time. It's crazy how I spend all my time on helping her, when I completely neglect my own needs. This is what I need to do. Spend time on myself, set goals, and accomplish them. Otherwise, no matter how many friends I make, or don't make, I will never leave my predicament.
Friday, December 12, 2014
update
so a lot of things happened since I blogged last time about self-esteem issues and the Colombian Tranny.
I really thought she left me, and was ignoring me, due to all of the people from my past always leaving me. But not long after, I get a text from her... "Hola"... I was like WTF!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!! this was a huge shock because 1) she was very distant, and didn't return my text a few times, and 2) I called and left her a voice mail asking her why she so distant. is it something I did? is it something I said? she did NOT call me back.
turns out, she was just exhausted from her surgery, and didn't even set up her voice mail. lol!!! this really shows me how much chaos I have in my mind, and all of us really. I had so many people in my life leave me, I thought it happened again. but it was all in my mind. crazy thing is, it made me stronger. I literally felt like I fell in love, and the girl broke my heart. it was the worst feeling in the world! It was so bad, I wanted to die. I couldn't function normally. I couldn't do homework, I couldn't watch any movies, I couldn't do anything but think about this girl ALL DAY! And in the end, I just shut her off, and realized that I have to move on and love myself unconditionally. without doing that, I'll always be fucked up with people not wanting to do with me.
it's been really hard, though, since she has her mother visiting her, and I live with mine. so getting together was a challenge. we had sex unexpectedly after we went shopping on black Friday. her mother was sleeping in the bedroom while we were fucking in the middle room. you know, the old me would've never did this. but I thought that I gotta take more risks.
the thing is, she flaked on me the next day when we were supposed to meet in a hotel again. she spent all her money on clothes, and had to "work" again. I was really mad and disappointed, but she has to work and make money like all of us. her life is very unpredictable, and I learned to accept that. another thing I learned is that she doesn't even have sex most of the time with her clients, which was a real shock to me. many guys who like trannies are into weird stuff that I won't even get into.
I don't have a lot of time and I gotta get ready for work. But the biggest news right now is that she is going to get her full sex reassignment surgery. I just dropped her off at the hospital, and the surgery will take place in about an hour. it's a real disappointment for me because you know... I prefer pre-op trannies, and it hurts me whenever they do this sort of thing. but she wants to be best friends with me because we are so much alike, and thinks it's better that way. I tried real hard to change her mind, but it's her body and she is real set on doing this. I told her that I will always love her, and not sure if she feels the same way about me. But I don't care. I don't wanna pressure her or make her love me the same way. it is what it is.
I just realize that this is where I belong, the trans community. I went out with her to a bar last week to see her 'work'. it was an interesting experience, and she knows all the trannies at the bar. I learned a whole lot being around her about the people in the community, and what is really going on opposed to me always going out alone.
the irony about today is, it's my last day of work with the current company. and so is her last day of being a pre-op transsexual. in a few hours she'll be a woman with a pussy. I won't have a laptop anymore, and she won't have a dick. bummer. no homo and all. yes tranny.
I really thought she left me, and was ignoring me, due to all of the people from my past always leaving me. But not long after, I get a text from her... "Hola"... I was like WTF!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!! this was a huge shock because 1) she was very distant, and didn't return my text a few times, and 2) I called and left her a voice mail asking her why she so distant. is it something I did? is it something I said? she did NOT call me back.
turns out, she was just exhausted from her surgery, and didn't even set up her voice mail. lol!!! this really shows me how much chaos I have in my mind, and all of us really. I had so many people in my life leave me, I thought it happened again. but it was all in my mind. crazy thing is, it made me stronger. I literally felt like I fell in love, and the girl broke my heart. it was the worst feeling in the world! It was so bad, I wanted to die. I couldn't function normally. I couldn't do homework, I couldn't watch any movies, I couldn't do anything but think about this girl ALL DAY! And in the end, I just shut her off, and realized that I have to move on and love myself unconditionally. without doing that, I'll always be fucked up with people not wanting to do with me.
it's been really hard, though, since she has her mother visiting her, and I live with mine. so getting together was a challenge. we had sex unexpectedly after we went shopping on black Friday. her mother was sleeping in the bedroom while we were fucking in the middle room. you know, the old me would've never did this. but I thought that I gotta take more risks.
the thing is, she flaked on me the next day when we were supposed to meet in a hotel again. she spent all her money on clothes, and had to "work" again. I was really mad and disappointed, but she has to work and make money like all of us. her life is very unpredictable, and I learned to accept that. another thing I learned is that she doesn't even have sex most of the time with her clients, which was a real shock to me. many guys who like trannies are into weird stuff that I won't even get into.
I don't have a lot of time and I gotta get ready for work. But the biggest news right now is that she is going to get her full sex reassignment surgery. I just dropped her off at the hospital, and the surgery will take place in about an hour. it's a real disappointment for me because you know... I prefer pre-op trannies, and it hurts me whenever they do this sort of thing. but she wants to be best friends with me because we are so much alike, and thinks it's better that way. I tried real hard to change her mind, but it's her body and she is real set on doing this. I told her that I will always love her, and not sure if she feels the same way about me. But I don't care. I don't wanna pressure her or make her love me the same way. it is what it is.
I just realize that this is where I belong, the trans community. I went out with her to a bar last week to see her 'work'. it was an interesting experience, and she knows all the trannies at the bar. I learned a whole lot being around her about the people in the community, and what is really going on opposed to me always going out alone.
the irony about today is, it's my last day of work with the current company. and so is her last day of being a pre-op transsexual. in a few hours she'll be a woman with a pussy. I won't have a laptop anymore, and she won't have a dick. bummer. no homo and all. yes tranny.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
I just had the Biggest Shock of my Life
so after making my last blog entry about me being in Love with the Colombian Tranny, I kept thinking about her. and I kept thinking about why does everyone always leave me? WHY DOES EVERYONE ALWAYS LEAVE ME!?!?!?! I am 35 years old, just lost my virginity with this girl, and yes she is a girl in my eyes, and I have no friends. This was always the biggest question in my life, why does everyone always leave me?
so, out of desperation, I started googling. Then I came across this one yahoo answers post of a girl describing the exact same life scenario, but from a girl's perspective. Here it is, "Why do people always leave me?" Now, I am not a girl, but I am a human. so, for this girl the situation was almost identical. the only difference, is that guys would come and talk to her, but when it was time to get into a relationship, they leave her. she said that she is someone whose love for another person either stays the same or grows, but for people that come into her life it seems too easy to just walk right out. And this is exactly my case! at first, someone could take a liking towards me. but after a while, they get bored, tired, or just annoyed by my presence and act distant. like this tranny who is acting very distant as of right now. at first, she was excited, and we made out in my car after sex. she'd text me and would want to text me every day. now, I haven't heard from her since last Friday, the convo I initiated. don't know exactly what I did wrong but this is the pattern EVERY TIME.
so, after reading the "Best Answer" for this girl's question, I got the biggest shock of my life. It hit me so hard, I couldn't think, I couldn't move, I was frozen in time. THIS IS EXACTLY WHY PEOPLE LEAVE ME!!! I HAVE NO SELF-ESTEEM!
All day at work today, I was so distant, so aloof, I stopped checking my phone as much and stopped focusing on this girl who is very distant now. I mean, I still think about her, just not as much. I just received such a big shock of realization, that it's almost the equivalent to the shock of birth. It's as if someone just hit me with a brick. "No one will like being around you, if you don't like being around yourself." It was so shocking, yet so familiar. But all I did over the years, was suppress this common knowledge, thinking it will just pass some day.
Accepting myself has been the hardest thing I've ever had to overcome in life. And I still haven't overcome it. My pale skin, my skinny body, my weirdly shaped face when looking at myself in the mirror from the sides. I've never accepted myself fully. And in the past, I've actually hated myself. Now I'm more neutral with self, and sometimes I like myself. But other times, I'm disgusted with myself and reject myself. This is why people always leave me.
I'm gonna tell you my story of how I become the guy I am today, and why I have such a low self-esteem. Growing up, I never remember my father being in the house. I don't remember living with him. I was 4 when my mom and me were living with my dad and his mother. One day as we were coming home, his mother was home alone. My mom knocked on the door, and my grandma peeped in the peep hole, and did not open the door. So, me and my mom went back to my mother's mom's apartment, which was right across the street. I don't remember any of this, but this is what my mom told me and this is how the divorce happened because my dad took his mother's side. After the divorce, my dad wasn't around anymore. I have never met neither of my male grandparents. My mom's dad died at around 46, 10 years before my birth. And my dad's side grandpa a week after I was born. Now, my grandpa from my dad' side, he was a gangster. He was the leader of a gang. He moved to my country to get away from that life after all of his gang got killed by the cops, but he escaped somehow. If this guy raised me, he would have taught me how to be a man. You best believe it! But, somehow, someway, we never met in this life. So, I ended up being raised by my dad who was raised by his controlling, and manipulative mother. I have never had any sort of male role models whom I learned from what it's like to be a man. And that was really hard on me, and played a big role into how I shaped into who I am today.
I remember when I was going to 1st grade, 2nd, 3rd, we would have fights after school. And if a boy challenged me, I said yes. Because I was always brave, but the very first time I got hit and got a black eye, it really shocked me. I didn't understand. What was it? It hurt, and now I have this weird feeling inside of my chest. Fear? What is that? What do I do with it? How do I control it? How do I make it go away? All these thoughts running through my mind, and not one answer. Not one soul to talk to. And I didn't know how to talk to boys about it, especially the ones who tried to manipulate me to fight other boys for their entertainment. So, I went on and on fighting boys after school being afraid. I was scared every time, every fight. After the fight was over, the fear went away, and I felt at ease. I hated it so much, fear, and fighting. Because when I fought, I had fear. And when I had fear, I usually fought, or had street confrontations, which I hated with passion. The confrontations happened every now and then because I grew up in a Muslim country, and many muslims hated whites. So, they taught their boys to hate white people, and their boys would try to fight us and chase us whenever we'd be walking home from school. The thing is, I didn't have that many fights total. But whatever I did have, it was torture for me.
So, one day when I was a little older, I'd say about 11 years, I got set up with the most popular boy in my class. Let's call him Tyler. He was a very good looking kid, charismatic, and he could fight. I heard he took boxing, but I didn't think much of it. I didn't take any fighting lessons myself. So, when we finally fought after school. He whooped my ass so bad, parts of my soul got sucked into my asscrack, and never returned. After that day, I was fucked up. Everyone at school knew. It was so embarrassing, and shameful for me to show my face. Some guys even came up to me next day, "hey so you got your ass beat by Tyler?" I was like yeah... wtf else was I supposed to say?
Then me and Tyler took cycling lessons, along with many other boys from my school. So then, Tyler who kicked my ass earlier wanted me to fight another boy. And this was a turning point in my life. I already fought this other boy, and it was a tie. So, I didn't want to fight him again, and as always I was scared. When Tyler asked me to fight this other boy again. I did something I've never done before...... I said no. From that day on, my life changed drastically. Boys stopped respecting me, and I started to run away from fear. I didn't know what I was doing, either way. I wasn't facing the fear, and I wasn't running from it. I just sort of went with the flow. But me being a clueless boy without any males in my life, I thought I could run away and the fear would be simply gone. Boy was I wrong. Once I started running, fear would chase my ass all the way to America.
About a year later, there was good news in my family. We were given a VISA to come to America, along with affidavit. I thought that 'this is it! this is my chance to escape! I will come to America, and make lots of friends. my life will be amazing like in those hollywood movies!!' Again, I was so wrong that it wasn't even funny.
When we came here and I went straight to high school, same things started to happen. I met these boys who spoke Russian, and there were a lot of Russian speakers, who first tried to act like they were my friends. This was especially with this one particular boy. I'll call him Brandon. Brandon started to mess with me by asking me to fight some Vietnamese boy. Again, fear kicked in and I started to be afraid every time I'd go to school. Every time I'd be in Brandon's presence, I'd be afraid that he'd set me up with that Vietnamese boy and I'd have a fight, in which I would be scared. My fear started to grow bigger and bigger. It grew so big, that I completely avoided all fights, and was afraid every minute I spent in the same class as Brandon. This happened for about 2 years, and at some point Brandon got kicked out of school because he was in a gang fight or something. He was also the guy who bullied my friend who had some mental disorder RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR TEACHER. Brandon was nearly kicking my friend's ass in the back, and the teacher avoided looking up on what was happening, as it was very noisy. It was horrible. I felt really bad seeing this guy bullying my friend like that, but there was nothing I could really do.
So, as Brandon left school, I was relaxed. I actually enjoyed coming to school. I was stress free. I was, however, roaming the hallways by myself while classes were in session and spent time alone a lot. I distanced myself from the Russians speaking kids because I thought they were all fucked up. I wanted to be left alone. Then one day, I saw this one black nerd I knew who was into video games. He told me "hey man, the lab is open today!" It was Friday, on which the lab where we'd go to to play video games was closed. But this dude told me 'just go there, man. it's open!' So, my clueless ass drags my ass to the second floor waiting for the class to be "open". As I'm waiting, I see 5 guys show up at the stair way, walking towards me. Four black guys, 1 white guy. I'm like... what the fuck ever. I'm just waiting for the lab to be opened, so I could play my games. The guys surround me on each side. And before I know it.... BOOM, BAM, BOOM!!! I got punches coming at my head from all sides and I'm on the ground trying desperately to avoid being hit in the head. I went home that day all bruised up, and fucked up mentally. My ears were bleeding from the back. I didn't tell my mom or anyone; just my friend from Moscow I had at the time. He told me it's called Freshman Fridays, when guys in groups look for freshmen to beat up. Ironically, I was a Junior. But I was skinny, short, and pale at the time, so I mos def looked like a Freshman. It took me about a week to recover fully mentally. And then I was back to normal.
Fast forward to when I went to college, I had another confrontation, with 3 guys this time. I won't go into details, but back then I still didn't take any sort of fighting classes, so I couldn't really fight. It was again, 2 black guys, and 1 latino. They took my walkman, my fast pass, and they wanted to take my shoes off. Right there, I said HELL NO!!! I managed to run away from them, but my heart was racing so fast and I couldn't calm down getting to my class. Then, I could not sleep all night that night. And after that sleepless night, my life was never the same. I JUST COULDN'T CALM DOWN! I WAS SCARED AND MY HEART KEPT RACING AND RACING AND RACING. I didn't understand what was happening to me. I was seeing a shrink at the time from high school that my mom made me see, because one day I told her I wanna die and shit. So, I asked my shrink about it. And she told me "oh, you have what it's called PTSD-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder". That's when I learned about my 'condition'. Looking back, this PTSD comes from that very first day I started running away from my fear. That same day made my fear grow bigger, and stronger, until it just got out of control.
Fast forward to today, I have a really hard time accepting myself. Listening to hip hop back in high school and college only made it worse. The hip hop I listened to was a lot of 2pac, Dr. Dre, Spice 1, Too $hort, etc.. which was all cool. But then all these other new hip hop groups came into the picture like Dip Set, and I was exposed to so much racism through sohh forums, it wasn't very healthy for me. It was toxic, and poison. Many posters kept calling me cracker, honkey, and just making fun of my pale skin. It really made me hate myself even further. I sort of saw myself through these racists' minds, and it wasn't a very good thing to experience. I mean, I already had bad experience with black guys, but now I actually got to see what they have to say about me first hand on sohh.
And today, it's very hard for me to let lose and enjoy myself when I go out. When a song comes on I really like, it's hard to bob my head to it. I feel weird, odd, and like I am not comfortable in my own skin. I don't know how to change that, but after that shock I experienced today, I almost FORCE myself to walk up right with shoulders back. I've been doing martial arts for years now. What the hell am I so afraid of? But PTSD isn't rational. It comes and goes at different intervals, and sometimes I get these panic attacks that get the best of me.
Either way, this is something I HAVE to get over and work on. Not for the tranny, but for myself. I am still in shock at how deeply this realization effected me yesterday and today. I am just glad the moment came, where I got the answer to the question I've been asking for so long, staring me right in the face. I just pray, and ask for help so that I could move forward and on with my life. Without fully accepting and loving myself, NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME! That's the biggest shock I've experienced in the last 24 hours. Until I fully LOVE my pale skin, LOVE my skinny body, and LOVE who I am inside and out, no girl will ever want to be with me or around me.
so, out of desperation, I started googling. Then I came across this one yahoo answers post of a girl describing the exact same life scenario, but from a girl's perspective. Here it is, "Why do people always leave me?" Now, I am not a girl, but I am a human. so, for this girl the situation was almost identical. the only difference, is that guys would come and talk to her, but when it was time to get into a relationship, they leave her. she said that she is someone whose love for another person either stays the same or grows, but for people that come into her life it seems too easy to just walk right out. And this is exactly my case! at first, someone could take a liking towards me. but after a while, they get bored, tired, or just annoyed by my presence and act distant. like this tranny who is acting very distant as of right now. at first, she was excited, and we made out in my car after sex. she'd text me and would want to text me every day. now, I haven't heard from her since last Friday, the convo I initiated. don't know exactly what I did wrong but this is the pattern EVERY TIME.
so, after reading the "Best Answer" for this girl's question, I got the biggest shock of my life. It hit me so hard, I couldn't think, I couldn't move, I was frozen in time. THIS IS EXACTLY WHY PEOPLE LEAVE ME!!! I HAVE NO SELF-ESTEEM!
All day at work today, I was so distant, so aloof, I stopped checking my phone as much and stopped focusing on this girl who is very distant now. I mean, I still think about her, just not as much. I just received such a big shock of realization, that it's almost the equivalent to the shock of birth. It's as if someone just hit me with a brick. "No one will like being around you, if you don't like being around yourself." It was so shocking, yet so familiar. But all I did over the years, was suppress this common knowledge, thinking it will just pass some day.
Accepting myself has been the hardest thing I've ever had to overcome in life. And I still haven't overcome it. My pale skin, my skinny body, my weirdly shaped face when looking at myself in the mirror from the sides. I've never accepted myself fully. And in the past, I've actually hated myself. Now I'm more neutral with self, and sometimes I like myself. But other times, I'm disgusted with myself and reject myself. This is why people always leave me.
I'm gonna tell you my story of how I become the guy I am today, and why I have such a low self-esteem. Growing up, I never remember my father being in the house. I don't remember living with him. I was 4 when my mom and me were living with my dad and his mother. One day as we were coming home, his mother was home alone. My mom knocked on the door, and my grandma peeped in the peep hole, and did not open the door. So, me and my mom went back to my mother's mom's apartment, which was right across the street. I don't remember any of this, but this is what my mom told me and this is how the divorce happened because my dad took his mother's side. After the divorce, my dad wasn't around anymore. I have never met neither of my male grandparents. My mom's dad died at around 46, 10 years before my birth. And my dad's side grandpa a week after I was born. Now, my grandpa from my dad' side, he was a gangster. He was the leader of a gang. He moved to my country to get away from that life after all of his gang got killed by the cops, but he escaped somehow. If this guy raised me, he would have taught me how to be a man. You best believe it! But, somehow, someway, we never met in this life. So, I ended up being raised by my dad who was raised by his controlling, and manipulative mother. I have never had any sort of male role models whom I learned from what it's like to be a man. And that was really hard on me, and played a big role into how I shaped into who I am today.
I remember when I was going to 1st grade, 2nd, 3rd, we would have fights after school. And if a boy challenged me, I said yes. Because I was always brave, but the very first time I got hit and got a black eye, it really shocked me. I didn't understand. What was it? It hurt, and now I have this weird feeling inside of my chest. Fear? What is that? What do I do with it? How do I control it? How do I make it go away? All these thoughts running through my mind, and not one answer. Not one soul to talk to. And I didn't know how to talk to boys about it, especially the ones who tried to manipulate me to fight other boys for their entertainment. So, I went on and on fighting boys after school being afraid. I was scared every time, every fight. After the fight was over, the fear went away, and I felt at ease. I hated it so much, fear, and fighting. Because when I fought, I had fear. And when I had fear, I usually fought, or had street confrontations, which I hated with passion. The confrontations happened every now and then because I grew up in a Muslim country, and many muslims hated whites. So, they taught their boys to hate white people, and their boys would try to fight us and chase us whenever we'd be walking home from school. The thing is, I didn't have that many fights total. But whatever I did have, it was torture for me.
So, one day when I was a little older, I'd say about 11 years, I got set up with the most popular boy in my class. Let's call him Tyler. He was a very good looking kid, charismatic, and he could fight. I heard he took boxing, but I didn't think much of it. I didn't take any fighting lessons myself. So, when we finally fought after school. He whooped my ass so bad, parts of my soul got sucked into my asscrack, and never returned. After that day, I was fucked up. Everyone at school knew. It was so embarrassing, and shameful for me to show my face. Some guys even came up to me next day, "hey so you got your ass beat by Tyler?" I was like yeah... wtf else was I supposed to say?
Then me and Tyler took cycling lessons, along with many other boys from my school. So then, Tyler who kicked my ass earlier wanted me to fight another boy. And this was a turning point in my life. I already fought this other boy, and it was a tie. So, I didn't want to fight him again, and as always I was scared. When Tyler asked me to fight this other boy again. I did something I've never done before...... I said no. From that day on, my life changed drastically. Boys stopped respecting me, and I started to run away from fear. I didn't know what I was doing, either way. I wasn't facing the fear, and I wasn't running from it. I just sort of went with the flow. But me being a clueless boy without any males in my life, I thought I could run away and the fear would be simply gone. Boy was I wrong. Once I started running, fear would chase my ass all the way to America.
About a year later, there was good news in my family. We were given a VISA to come to America, along with affidavit. I thought that 'this is it! this is my chance to escape! I will come to America, and make lots of friends. my life will be amazing like in those hollywood movies!!' Again, I was so wrong that it wasn't even funny.
When we came here and I went straight to high school, same things started to happen. I met these boys who spoke Russian, and there were a lot of Russian speakers, who first tried to act like they were my friends. This was especially with this one particular boy. I'll call him Brandon. Brandon started to mess with me by asking me to fight some Vietnamese boy. Again, fear kicked in and I started to be afraid every time I'd go to school. Every time I'd be in Brandon's presence, I'd be afraid that he'd set me up with that Vietnamese boy and I'd have a fight, in which I would be scared. My fear started to grow bigger and bigger. It grew so big, that I completely avoided all fights, and was afraid every minute I spent in the same class as Brandon. This happened for about 2 years, and at some point Brandon got kicked out of school because he was in a gang fight or something. He was also the guy who bullied my friend who had some mental disorder RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR TEACHER. Brandon was nearly kicking my friend's ass in the back, and the teacher avoided looking up on what was happening, as it was very noisy. It was horrible. I felt really bad seeing this guy bullying my friend like that, but there was nothing I could really do.
So, as Brandon left school, I was relaxed. I actually enjoyed coming to school. I was stress free. I was, however, roaming the hallways by myself while classes were in session and spent time alone a lot. I distanced myself from the Russians speaking kids because I thought they were all fucked up. I wanted to be left alone. Then one day, I saw this one black nerd I knew who was into video games. He told me "hey man, the lab is open today!" It was Friday, on which the lab where we'd go to to play video games was closed. But this dude told me 'just go there, man. it's open!' So, my clueless ass drags my ass to the second floor waiting for the class to be "open". As I'm waiting, I see 5 guys show up at the stair way, walking towards me. Four black guys, 1 white guy. I'm like... what the fuck ever. I'm just waiting for the lab to be opened, so I could play my games. The guys surround me on each side. And before I know it.... BOOM, BAM, BOOM!!! I got punches coming at my head from all sides and I'm on the ground trying desperately to avoid being hit in the head. I went home that day all bruised up, and fucked up mentally. My ears were bleeding from the back. I didn't tell my mom or anyone; just my friend from Moscow I had at the time. He told me it's called Freshman Fridays, when guys in groups look for freshmen to beat up. Ironically, I was a Junior. But I was skinny, short, and pale at the time, so I mos def looked like a Freshman. It took me about a week to recover fully mentally. And then I was back to normal.
Fast forward to when I went to college, I had another confrontation, with 3 guys this time. I won't go into details, but back then I still didn't take any sort of fighting classes, so I couldn't really fight. It was again, 2 black guys, and 1 latino. They took my walkman, my fast pass, and they wanted to take my shoes off. Right there, I said HELL NO!!! I managed to run away from them, but my heart was racing so fast and I couldn't calm down getting to my class. Then, I could not sleep all night that night. And after that sleepless night, my life was never the same. I JUST COULDN'T CALM DOWN! I WAS SCARED AND MY HEART KEPT RACING AND RACING AND RACING. I didn't understand what was happening to me. I was seeing a shrink at the time from high school that my mom made me see, because one day I told her I wanna die and shit. So, I asked my shrink about it. And she told me "oh, you have what it's called PTSD-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder". That's when I learned about my 'condition'. Looking back, this PTSD comes from that very first day I started running away from my fear. That same day made my fear grow bigger, and stronger, until it just got out of control.
Fast forward to today, I have a really hard time accepting myself. Listening to hip hop back in high school and college only made it worse. The hip hop I listened to was a lot of 2pac, Dr. Dre, Spice 1, Too $hort, etc.. which was all cool. But then all these other new hip hop groups came into the picture like Dip Set, and I was exposed to so much racism through sohh forums, it wasn't very healthy for me. It was toxic, and poison. Many posters kept calling me cracker, honkey, and just making fun of my pale skin. It really made me hate myself even further. I sort of saw myself through these racists' minds, and it wasn't a very good thing to experience. I mean, I already had bad experience with black guys, but now I actually got to see what they have to say about me first hand on sohh.
And today, it's very hard for me to let lose and enjoy myself when I go out. When a song comes on I really like, it's hard to bob my head to it. I feel weird, odd, and like I am not comfortable in my own skin. I don't know how to change that, but after that shock I experienced today, I almost FORCE myself to walk up right with shoulders back. I've been doing martial arts for years now. What the hell am I so afraid of? But PTSD isn't rational. It comes and goes at different intervals, and sometimes I get these panic attacks that get the best of me.
Either way, this is something I HAVE to get over and work on. Not for the tranny, but for myself. I am still in shock at how deeply this realization effected me yesterday and today. I am just glad the moment came, where I got the answer to the question I've been asking for so long, staring me right in the face. I just pray, and ask for help so that I could move forward and on with my life. Without fully accepting and loving myself, NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME! That's the biggest shock I've experienced in the last 24 hours. Until I fully LOVE my pale skin, LOVE my skinny body, and LOVE who I am inside and out, no girl will ever want to be with me or around me.
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Am I in Love?
so lately, I've been feeling really shitty. I feel as if someone close to me left me. Did they, or is it all in my mind?
I want to talk about something first, before I get into the topic I want to discuss. I have a history of people leaving me. Friends, a girlfriend, I guess you could call her that, and more people I meet along the way. You see, I am shy, introverted, sensitive guy. No matter how much I faced my fears in the past, I always hit a brick wall at one point or another. But to make a long story short, people leave me for various of reasons. One of them is that I am boring. I don't go out, I don't party, I don't drink, I don't even smoke weed anymore, I don't chase women, I don't hang out since I have no friends to hang out with. No one really knows who I am, and no one invites me to any events. I've made a friend or two in the past that would invite me. I'd come, but they'd get bored or tired of me, and just be distant. In the end, I have a history of people leaving me. And it really hurts me deeply.
One of the reasons why they leave me is that I grew up sheltered, and never developed social skills the way many other kids do. I have no siblings, and wasn't even raised around my cousins. All I was around is my socially retarded dad who divorced my mom when I was 4. And my mom, and her family, who aren't that great socially themselves. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and when it was time to go out into the real world, I simply mirrored what I learned at home.
In the past, I used to push people away without realizing it. They'd get pissed, and leave me. I had a friend before who saw it, and called me out on it, and he refused to leave me. He was gay of course (bi, but he liked men more than women imo). I say this because if he was straight, he would be nowhere near me once I said something rude or disrespectful. But he knew what I was doing, and it taught me a great deal about myself, and about gay people as well (no homo). Thanks to him, I learned from my mistakes and grew as a person. Now, today I have a problem with marijuana. When I smoke, I get real chatty and start talking a lot. Weed makes me wanna connect with people. But I get paranoid or excited, and I start saying anything, along with stupid shit.
So, why am I in love? Well, it's about that escort again. Since the time she cancelled our plans to spend another night in a hotel, she's been distant from me and I am going crazy. Every minute I don't get a text from her is like an hour. And every hour, is like a day. And every day, is like a week. I feel like I am being tortured from all sides. The other day at work, I felt like I completely left my body. I don't know where the fuck I went. But it was as if I completely blocked out! I was spaced out, and for a moment wasn't present. It really scared me. I felt like I came very close to going insane. Thank god I didn't.
Anyway, I say all this because last time I actually talked to her was when we talked 3 days before the Friday we were supposed to hang out. I was high on those 5 hits of her blunt she left me. I don't know if I texted her afterwards something stupid, or if I said something stupid. Or maybe nothing I said weirded her out at all. But that's all I've been thinking of. Where did I go wrong? Did I go wrong? Is it because I am 35 and live at home? Did she talk to her friend and she told her to let me be? All these thoughts running through my mind, and I don't know what to think.
I just never thought I'd meet someone like her. She is a sweat heart, non-judgmental, open minded, beautiful, stylish, understanding, curious, and of all of these things... she is a loner like me. She doesn't party, if she does she just goes to visit her friends there to say hi and bounce, she doesn't go out that much, and she seems like she's willing to give me a chance, despite knowing I am sexually inexperienced. But in the end, why is she so distant? Is it because she just had a surgery done? Is it over between us? I don't know. But the only thing to do right now is to give her space. I just wish I had a friend to call and ask him on this issue, but I don't even have that option. So, I always end up figuring these things out on my own. What a life, huh?
I have never been in love before, but I was just thinking about it. Is this it? Is it when you can't stop thinking about someone and their qualities, and how amazing they are? She is such a good girl, I wanna be there for her. I wanna lay next to her, hold her, kiss her. I need physical touch and affection so bad, it's pathetic! But I may have done what I've done in the past, push her away somehow, either verbally or through the circumstances of my situation. I don't really know at this point, but would like to talk to her to find out. But she didn't let me when I wanted to connect after the surgery. She texted me "No. later." I understand, but inside I'm an emotional turmoil.
This is why I hate texting. Every text from her is like being tortured. I get a text and I'm ecstatic. Then there is this long....... slow..... wait........... it could be 10 seconds or it could be 1 hour. It's fucking torture for me. Every time, I don't know if the next text will never come. The best time I have right now, is when I fall asleep. Then when I wake up, the torture starts again. I start thinking about her. "Is it over? Is she ignoring me?" and on and on. All these thoughts and questions running through my mind. And I can't escape it. Last time I got a text from her was roughly 30 hours ago. It feels like it's been much, much longer than that.
My plan for now is just to wait it out until she contacts me. And hopefully, we can connect somehow. I really want to spend time with her when she gets back. But my biggest fear is that she, like all the other people in my past, left me already in her mind, and in her heart. That would really hurt me. More than anything has hurt me in a long time. It's not very often I make a friend like this, or make a friend at all. And that's another thing, is it me being sexually inexperienced the reason for this? Don't know... I guess time will tell.
I want to talk about something first, before I get into the topic I want to discuss. I have a history of people leaving me. Friends, a girlfriend, I guess you could call her that, and more people I meet along the way. You see, I am shy, introverted, sensitive guy. No matter how much I faced my fears in the past, I always hit a brick wall at one point or another. But to make a long story short, people leave me for various of reasons. One of them is that I am boring. I don't go out, I don't party, I don't drink, I don't even smoke weed anymore, I don't chase women, I don't hang out since I have no friends to hang out with. No one really knows who I am, and no one invites me to any events. I've made a friend or two in the past that would invite me. I'd come, but they'd get bored or tired of me, and just be distant. In the end, I have a history of people leaving me. And it really hurts me deeply.
One of the reasons why they leave me is that I grew up sheltered, and never developed social skills the way many other kids do. I have no siblings, and wasn't even raised around my cousins. All I was around is my socially retarded dad who divorced my mom when I was 4. And my mom, and her family, who aren't that great socially themselves. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and when it was time to go out into the real world, I simply mirrored what I learned at home.
In the past, I used to push people away without realizing it. They'd get pissed, and leave me. I had a friend before who saw it, and called me out on it, and he refused to leave me. He was gay of course (bi, but he liked men more than women imo). I say this because if he was straight, he would be nowhere near me once I said something rude or disrespectful. But he knew what I was doing, and it taught me a great deal about myself, and about gay people as well (no homo). Thanks to him, I learned from my mistakes and grew as a person. Now, today I have a problem with marijuana. When I smoke, I get real chatty and start talking a lot. Weed makes me wanna connect with people. But I get paranoid or excited, and I start saying anything, along with stupid shit.
So, why am I in love? Well, it's about that escort again. Since the time she cancelled our plans to spend another night in a hotel, she's been distant from me and I am going crazy. Every minute I don't get a text from her is like an hour. And every hour, is like a day. And every day, is like a week. I feel like I am being tortured from all sides. The other day at work, I felt like I completely left my body. I don't know where the fuck I went. But it was as if I completely blocked out! I was spaced out, and for a moment wasn't present. It really scared me. I felt like I came very close to going insane. Thank god I didn't.
Anyway, I say all this because last time I actually talked to her was when we talked 3 days before the Friday we were supposed to hang out. I was high on those 5 hits of her blunt she left me. I don't know if I texted her afterwards something stupid, or if I said something stupid. Or maybe nothing I said weirded her out at all. But that's all I've been thinking of. Where did I go wrong? Did I go wrong? Is it because I am 35 and live at home? Did she talk to her friend and she told her to let me be? All these thoughts running through my mind, and I don't know what to think.
I just never thought I'd meet someone like her. She is a sweat heart, non-judgmental, open minded, beautiful, stylish, understanding, curious, and of all of these things... she is a loner like me. She doesn't party, if she does she just goes to visit her friends there to say hi and bounce, she doesn't go out that much, and she seems like she's willing to give me a chance, despite knowing I am sexually inexperienced. But in the end, why is she so distant? Is it because she just had a surgery done? Is it over between us? I don't know. But the only thing to do right now is to give her space. I just wish I had a friend to call and ask him on this issue, but I don't even have that option. So, I always end up figuring these things out on my own. What a life, huh?
I have never been in love before, but I was just thinking about it. Is this it? Is it when you can't stop thinking about someone and their qualities, and how amazing they are? She is such a good girl, I wanna be there for her. I wanna lay next to her, hold her, kiss her. I need physical touch and affection so bad, it's pathetic! But I may have done what I've done in the past, push her away somehow, either verbally or through the circumstances of my situation. I don't really know at this point, but would like to talk to her to find out. But she didn't let me when I wanted to connect after the surgery. She texted me "No. later." I understand, but inside I'm an emotional turmoil.
This is why I hate texting. Every text from her is like being tortured. I get a text and I'm ecstatic. Then there is this long....... slow..... wait........... it could be 10 seconds or it could be 1 hour. It's fucking torture for me. Every time, I don't know if the next text will never come. The best time I have right now, is when I fall asleep. Then when I wake up, the torture starts again. I start thinking about her. "Is it over? Is she ignoring me?" and on and on. All these thoughts and questions running through my mind. And I can't escape it. Last time I got a text from her was roughly 30 hours ago. It feels like it's been much, much longer than that.
My plan for now is just to wait it out until she contacts me. And hopefully, we can connect somehow. I really want to spend time with her when she gets back. But my biggest fear is that she, like all the other people in my past, left me already in her mind, and in her heart. That would really hurt me. More than anything has hurt me in a long time. It's not very often I make a friend like this, or make a friend at all. And that's another thing, is it me being sexually inexperienced the reason for this? Don't know... I guess time will tell.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Where do I go from here?
so about a week ago I took the last 4 to 5 hits from the joint that the tranny I was with left me. I texted her a few times, considering I get really social after I smoke. she ended up calling me and we talked for a while. This was on Tuesday, I think. And she said that she was going to So Cal to get her breast surgery done. I thought okay, that's cool. Then she said that she re-scheduled her sex reassignment surgery, and I was the first person she told this to. I guess I felt honored, but surprised since she was so sure on doing it. Maybe I talked her out of it, at least for now?
Now here comes the kicker. We made plans for this Friday night that just passed. And at around 6pm on Friday, I get a text from her "something just happened. I can't meet you tonight. sorry." At first I was like 'oh no, did her mother die?' Me being the gullible guy that I am. Then I started thinking and realized that one of her clients probably booked a session with her. I had to call and cancel the hotel reservation I made the night before.
Here is the thing, she has a regular job, but I don't know exactly how stable and how profitable it is. outside of that job, she also escorts. And in the end, where does that place me? She said she is looking for 'friends... with benefits'. You know, I don't really mind that, except that we never meet because every time I make plans with her, she flakes like this Friday, or just goes silent when I ask her when are you free? She even mentioned that 'if love comes, that's okay too' the very first time we spoke on the phone. So hold up... you escort and get paid big bucks to fuck strange clients, and you want me for love? I don't feel very comfortable, or even good about doing things with you, let alone giving you love.
Now here is another kicker. She is already in LA; left today. And I thought to myself, "is she going to be 'working' there too?" So, I check craiglist in LA area... after about 15 minutes, I say to self... "ahhh I'm tired of browsing ads, I'm done." But I left like 3 ads open. and ironically, she was in one of those ads!!! lmaoooo you know, this isn't even funny but I can't help but laugh. is she looking for fun? is she looking for money? does it even matter at this point? I just feel so alone, that seeing her being with all these men makes me want to be more distant than I was from her. I understand she needs money, but how long will she be doing this? She was telling me that once she gets her pussy, it wouldn't be as exhausting because "I'll just lay there, and take the fucking." Okay, so... are you planning on escorting for the rest of your life? When is this gonna end? Surgery>escroting>surgery>escroting>surgery>escroting>surgery>escroting. That's what it looks like it to me. After you do a surgery, you gotta get your money back by hooking. and after you get your money back at some point, you gotta get your money's worth. And then you get addicted, and then it just becomes your life. and then you want me to lick your ass??? HEEEEELLLL NO! I gotta say... I took the biggest risk of my life rimming this girl, when she escorts. And now the more I learn about her, the more I don't want to see her and do sexual favors for her.
Now she said that after the surgery, she won't be seeing anyone for a while. So, I guess she'll want to use me for emotional support right? Someone who'll be there for her, and comfort her. This is really fucked up, and makes me really sad. I wanna cry seeing this shit. Beautiful women who go out and get their brains fucked by alpha, good looking males with huge dicks, and when it's time to get all cuddly, and have someone hold them, I'm supposed to appear like I didn't just see the first part? The worst part about this whole thing is, I am completely alone. I have no friends, and never had a girlfriend. Meeting this girl... for free... was like a miracle. I have not a single clue how it happened. She actually told me that I got her attention because I knew her name, as we've met before. If I didn't, she wouldn't have replied to my e-mail. I guess it shows me that anything is possible. But I really want to go out this Thursday to a strip bar, because I am tired of being alone thinking about this girl, when she is too busy getting fucked by strange men.
It will be really interesting to see her reaction if she ever sees me out. Will she get mad? She has no fucking right to get mad. She is constantly out trying to make money. And how do I know she is not out just to get fucked because she's horny? She texted me multiple times that she's horny, but I told her I stay at home so it's not like she can just come here and get fucked. And her mother is visiting her right now, so I can't exactly go and fuck her at her place. And technically, we only fucked once that firs time. She knows I'm inexperienced because I told her. Is that another reason she could be looking for sex with guys?
Yeah, it's all bad. But now I realized that I must do whatever it takes to get my own life together. Fuck this girl. I don't take her seriously anymore. Even after she comes calling me after her surgery. I'm gonna bring all this stuff up to her, because I think it's fucked up to use good guys like me in this way. This is why I got into Pick Up, but it's filled with pieces of shits like RSD, and all the retards who worship them. I can't be around that fuckery now, even though I wanna get back into the game soon to get my power back that I feel like I lost almost completely. But first thing, I need to get my own place. Once that happens, look for better employment, or better yet study for another IT certificate that can get me more money. I don't know exactly, but I need to start planning out my life, than having this one-itis crush with an escort.
Some days I just wish that people, especially this tranny, would know how lonely I am, and how disconnected I feel from the whole humanity. Tears are rolling down my eyes after typing this. I feel so cold, and alone, the words can't even express how empty this feeling is inside my soul. I literally have no one, but my mom and a few other people who are never around. And when they're gone, who will be there for me? I complain about having a hard time getting along with my mom, but when she's gone, how will I feel then? I thought about that a week ago. I don't know how to make friends. How do you invite people into your life, when you don't have one? "Hey, come and hang out with me in my room, where I stay most of my free time?" or "let's hang out at the beach, where I go to once a month all by myself"?
Life is hard. That's all I really gotta say right now. I just pray it will get better for me one day. Hopefully soon... Blogging this feels so good. I feel like I just had a therapy session. I need to cry more often, and let all my pain out. Tired of keeping it all inside from years of misery and loneliness.
Now here comes the kicker. We made plans for this Friday night that just passed. And at around 6pm on Friday, I get a text from her "something just happened. I can't meet you tonight. sorry." At first I was like 'oh no, did her mother die?' Me being the gullible guy that I am. Then I started thinking and realized that one of her clients probably booked a session with her. I had to call and cancel the hotel reservation I made the night before.
Here is the thing, she has a regular job, but I don't know exactly how stable and how profitable it is. outside of that job, she also escorts. And in the end, where does that place me? She said she is looking for 'friends... with benefits'. You know, I don't really mind that, except that we never meet because every time I make plans with her, she flakes like this Friday, or just goes silent when I ask her when are you free? She even mentioned that 'if love comes, that's okay too' the very first time we spoke on the phone. So hold up... you escort and get paid big bucks to fuck strange clients, and you want me for love? I don't feel very comfortable, or even good about doing things with you, let alone giving you love.
Now here is another kicker. She is already in LA; left today. And I thought to myself, "is she going to be 'working' there too?" So, I check craiglist in LA area... after about 15 minutes, I say to self... "ahhh I'm tired of browsing ads, I'm done." But I left like 3 ads open. and ironically, she was in one of those ads!!! lmaoooo you know, this isn't even funny but I can't help but laugh. is she looking for fun? is she looking for money? does it even matter at this point? I just feel so alone, that seeing her being with all these men makes me want to be more distant than I was from her. I understand she needs money, but how long will she be doing this? She was telling me that once she gets her pussy, it wouldn't be as exhausting because "I'll just lay there, and take the fucking." Okay, so... are you planning on escorting for the rest of your life? When is this gonna end? Surgery>escroting>surgery>escroting>surgery>escroting>surgery>escroting. That's what it looks like it to me. After you do a surgery, you gotta get your money back by hooking. and after you get your money back at some point, you gotta get your money's worth. And then you get addicted, and then it just becomes your life. and then you want me to lick your ass??? HEEEEELLLL NO! I gotta say... I took the biggest risk of my life rimming this girl, when she escorts. And now the more I learn about her, the more I don't want to see her and do sexual favors for her.
Now she said that after the surgery, she won't be seeing anyone for a while. So, I guess she'll want to use me for emotional support right? Someone who'll be there for her, and comfort her. This is really fucked up, and makes me really sad. I wanna cry seeing this shit. Beautiful women who go out and get their brains fucked by alpha, good looking males with huge dicks, and when it's time to get all cuddly, and have someone hold them, I'm supposed to appear like I didn't just see the first part? The worst part about this whole thing is, I am completely alone. I have no friends, and never had a girlfriend. Meeting this girl... for free... was like a miracle. I have not a single clue how it happened. She actually told me that I got her attention because I knew her name, as we've met before. If I didn't, she wouldn't have replied to my e-mail. I guess it shows me that anything is possible. But I really want to go out this Thursday to a strip bar, because I am tired of being alone thinking about this girl, when she is too busy getting fucked by strange men.
It will be really interesting to see her reaction if she ever sees me out. Will she get mad? She has no fucking right to get mad. She is constantly out trying to make money. And how do I know she is not out just to get fucked because she's horny? She texted me multiple times that she's horny, but I told her I stay at home so it's not like she can just come here and get fucked. And her mother is visiting her right now, so I can't exactly go and fuck her at her place. And technically, we only fucked once that firs time. She knows I'm inexperienced because I told her. Is that another reason she could be looking for sex with guys?
Yeah, it's all bad. But now I realized that I must do whatever it takes to get my own life together. Fuck this girl. I don't take her seriously anymore. Even after she comes calling me after her surgery. I'm gonna bring all this stuff up to her, because I think it's fucked up to use good guys like me in this way. This is why I got into Pick Up, but it's filled with pieces of shits like RSD, and all the retards who worship them. I can't be around that fuckery now, even though I wanna get back into the game soon to get my power back that I feel like I lost almost completely. But first thing, I need to get my own place. Once that happens, look for better employment, or better yet study for another IT certificate that can get me more money. I don't know exactly, but I need to start planning out my life, than having this one-itis crush with an escort.
Some days I just wish that people, especially this tranny, would know how lonely I am, and how disconnected I feel from the whole humanity. Tears are rolling down my eyes after typing this. I feel so cold, and alone, the words can't even express how empty this feeling is inside my soul. I literally have no one, but my mom and a few other people who are never around. And when they're gone, who will be there for me? I complain about having a hard time getting along with my mom, but when she's gone, how will I feel then? I thought about that a week ago. I don't know how to make friends. How do you invite people into your life, when you don't have one? "Hey, come and hang out with me in my room, where I stay most of my free time?" or "let's hang out at the beach, where I go to once a month all by myself"?
Life is hard. That's all I really gotta say right now. I just pray it will get better for me one day. Hopefully soon... Blogging this feels so good. I feel like I just had a therapy session. I need to cry more often, and let all my pain out. Tired of keeping it all inside from years of misery and loneliness.
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