Huge Panic Attack

so yesterday after I trained my Kung Fu, I left and approached this girl outside. Afterwards, I felt this fear running through my body. And when I got home, I felt weak because I didn't eat for 7 hours. So, finally I ate my frozen burrito, thinking it will make me feel better. I still felt weak and like I was going to faint. my plans were to go out, drink 4 shots of vodka before I get to the club. And then talk to girls there while drunk. But I didn't go. I was worried that if I already feel like passing out, vodka may just do that.

Today I thought fuck it, no work tomorrow and I will go out tonight instead. It's Sunday so it would be slow, so no drinking. But I still feel weak like yesterday.

So  I am watching this funny ass movie, Dinner for Schmucks, because I thought I need to watch something funny when I feel shitty rather than browse toxic pol on the weekend. And I had this HUGE panic attack. This is why I stopped smoking weed, cuz i'd get these all the time. But now I am sober and I felt like kms. Called my tranny friend, literally the only one i have, and she calmed me down and told me to take the pill my doc subscribed to me. I ended up in ER last year cuz had a panic attack just like this. they told me it's from stress and nothing is wrong with me.

I feel better now, but still weak. I just feel like it's too heavy to be in this body with all my problems. And I am so lonely. it's too much sometimes to handle. I am also doing No Fap and on it for a while. Feel a lot better mentally and physically, but sometimes I need to release. But soon I'm going to Europe to do some self improvement for myself, and I hope it helps.

I haven't been blogging at all, because I guess I am just really private and stopped caring about my blog lately. So, maybe I'll blog again. Maybe not. it's kinda random, not like I used to post all the time. I just hope I'll be okay. I'm trying to improve myself in my love life and my social life, but it's so fucking hard. sometimes I just wanna get drunk and numb my feelings down, so that I don't have to feel the pain of loneliness and worthlessness. Because everywhere I go, all I see is couples everywhere. Feels like I'm disconnected from humanity and everything else in the universe.

Forever sexually frustrated

that's how I feel right now.

I'm back on my No Fap, No Porn program. I think I blogged about this yeeaaaaaars ago. but it is really helpful this time, because I have really stuck with it. I got to a point where my dick was lifeless. NOTHING turned me on. I only got off and had erections through porn. I came like 1x per 3 weeks at least to release, but that would still be me fapping and watching porn, the most damaging thing to men and their erectile dysfunction in our age. this was me, but after No Fap since August 1st, which is almost 3 months now, I actually wake up with hard boners. I get real erections when talking to or even looking at women!! I can't believe it. I actually FEEL something in my pants, and get arousals.

I just don't know how long I'll be able to hold off. I need a release, and me not being that great with girls really makes it extremely difficult. I wanna get better but feel so alone. no friends, no wingmen, and think I need to create a 30 day program of me pushing my boundaries socially every day, until I start to actually approach and talk to women I am attracted to. otherwise, going out to the beach every once in a while to talk to strangers won't change shit. it may get me laid one day if I'm lucky and grow enough courage to start approaching girls, but in the end I'll still remain the same.

fuck life is hard. sometimes I have not even an outlet sexually. Sometimes I wish I lived in a state or a country where prostitution was legal. because my dick feels like it is going to explode some days, along with my balls.

Pick-Up Journal Entry

so I am following this guy on youtube The Fearless Man. he gives lots of good advice, one of which is keep a journal. I am just sharing one event from last night here publicly.

I got really drunk. Drank 4 shots before taking Uber, and when got to the club was all buzzed. Then when I go inside... it is a gay night!! I was like... WTF!?!?! NOT AGAIN! I just remembered now that the website said "pansexual night". I googled it, but didnt really understand it correctly. I only went cuz they played House.

When I'm in I approach this group of 1 guy and 1 girl. I ask what is this? and the guy says "it's mostly bi people here. you can find some girls, but mostly it's bi guys." his friend was cute and I asked them where can I find regular clubs. she started giving me advice on clubs I already been to, and they were kinda far. she was from New York and really cute, down to earth, and talkative. she talked more than me. I offered her a drink. she said sure. then when I got drinks, I took mine, and walked off. I forgot to 1) ask her about her outfit (just realized it this morning). she was wearing some weird costume with her toes showing, and her friend was too. probably characters from a video game, and 2) ask for her number. One other thing I forgot to do was actually GIVE HER THE DRINK. I just left it at the bar. Small things like this really matter.

What I learned: I never really ask girls out. I talk, I am NOT GROUNDED AT ALL, I dont know what to say, and dont even notice things due to me not being grounded.

Goals: I will focus on these things from now. Go out, talk to girls, get their #, get dates. rinse and repeat. I just dont do the last 2 things, hence I never have any connections with girls or anything outside of a conversation. I expect some sort of magic to happen where I develop amazing game, and I sweep these women off their feet. But I need experience to do that. Plus, I watch keys to the VIP and most men simply suck and get #s doing much worse conversationally than me. So again, 1) Talk to girls, 2) get #s, 3) set dates.

Will update this later if I need to change things around, but this is it for now.

p.s. I puked in the club bathroom a little after my 5th drink, and then after taking Uber home outside of my place next to a tree REALLY BADLY. man... I woke up all fucked up with a hang over, but feel much better now.

Looks, Money, Status

some parts of this video had me laughing for a good minute. reminds me back in my PUAHate posting days. The guys there were doing these Male Model experiments, and those were the funniest threads I read in my life. Girls would reply to craziest shit the more gl the guy was. I left 6-12 months before Elliot Rogers went on his killing spree cuz it was so toxic, but I don't remember him posting there. Maybe cuz he was just another screen name to me, or he wasn't posting back then..

Steve Jabba is awesome

Pick-up is like meditation. but let's be real here. Jabba is a good looking guy. that helps a lot. looks DOES matter. anyone tells you it doesn't is full of shit...

when will I start living?

I am 37 years old, soon to be 38, and I have never lived my life. I've always just existed, like a leaf floating in mid air, going towards any direction the wind blows.

I haven't been blogging lately due to several reasons, but this is one of them. when will I start living? will I go through life until it's my time to leave being miserable and lonely? I am just tired of blogging about the same shit, complaining about the same thing. and I give up so much. I really want to to get back into pickup but feel like I cant do this alone. its so efing hard. plus i really wanna move outta Cali. people here are so passive aggresive, its like they dont wanna be talked to. but i need 2 travel first to see the rest of US but im scared.

anyway. just wanted 2 let that off my chest. its hot af today. gonna go finish exercising and shower. maybe go to the beach..

No Porn No Fap

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Tom Torero-the best Pick-Up teacher I found

after meeting all the disgusting douchbags like Tyler Durden and his RSD crew, I have been turned off by most of the "PUAs" in the community and took a long break. I really want to get back into pick-up, but finding an instructor that matches your style is no easy task. So far, this is the best guy I found, even though I haven't seen him in-field yet. but if you can find a better teacher, let me know.

I am doing a lot of studying, getting back into reading books, and setting goals. And once I'm ready, I'm going to start doing Pick-up. I don't want to be a miserable and lonely old man thinking about what I could've done in life. And if I let life pass me by, I may just end up that way...

my first Ayahuasca experience

I have been wanting to drink ayahuasca for years. but after seeing Metamorphosis, I didn't want to go near that brew with a 10 feet pole. It was hands down the scariest documentary I have ever seen. and believe me, I have seen them all. It was like watching the Exorcist happen in real life. that film completely made me abandon and forget this tea for over a year. I had so much fear just thinking about sipping a cup, it was like my 2012 doomsday scenario all over again.

The hardest part of the experience was the waiting time after singing up for the ceremony, and the counting down of days to the last minute of me drinking that first cup. It was as if time slowed down, and I was being tortured by my own ego with fear and paranoia. I'd wake up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, and then being frightened to go back to sleep, thinking about how my first experience was going to be. The entire reason why I really wanted to do this, was because I needed healing. I felt like I needed to suck it up, and go through with it. Because if I didn't, I may be fucked up for the rest of my life. And my entire goal in life, is to grow as much as possible before I leave this place.

I drove quiet a bit to get to the location, and once there I was the scariest person in the room. There was only one other person at the circle who was drinking it for the first time-a lady a little older than me. Everyone else seemed calm, including the lady herself, and relaxed. I was talking about my fears and concerns with everyone I met. What really made me just a tiny bit less scared, was the fact that this wasn't a traditional Peruvian ceremony-which is done in the dark. it was a Brazilian circle instead, with lights on and constant singing. I am very sensitive and was really freaking out by all the crazy visuals I may have been experiencing. That was my biggest fear-going to hell and stuff like that.

1st Night

One guy was assigned to me to be my guide, just in case I get freaked out. And I was freaking out quiet a bit. I was actually quiet calm until it was time to drink the first cup. Then I was getting more and more scared. When it came time to actually drink it, I was frozen, scared like a little girl. I asked for half a cup, and even then it took me about 5 minutes to drink the entire thing, sipping little by little. The taste was bitter and unpleasant, but not as awful as all those people described when going to Peru. I didn't feel anything until I drank the 2nd cup an hour later. 30 mins into the 2nd cup, it really hit me. My first thoughts were "I will never do this again". I felt this sudden rush with ayahuasca going from my hands to my head, until I started to get really woozy and drunk.

I wanted to throw up right away, but it was really hard so could not. I started to moan while suffering. I laid down and started seeing a dark field, with green molecules everywhere with eyes closed. Got really scared of seeing freaky things, and opened eyes. I did not witness anything after that, as we were in a circle singing songs with bright lights on. It was impossible to have visualizations with bright lights, even with my eyes closed. Part of the reason was because I did not purge. The 3rd glass was only half full (not by choice), and I didn't feel much. Music at the end was too loud; impossible to sleep or relax.


2nd Night

The second night was way easier to experience ayahuasca, as I didn't have as much fear but was a little nervous. I realized that I was freaking out for no reason. My fear was of all the crazy stuff I thought would happen to me, but none of it ever did. I just did what my guide, who was absent this time around, told me-"whatever you experience, go through with it."

I was nervous and afraid a little, but drank my first cup without a problem straight away. About 30 minutes later, I could feel ayahuasca flow through my arms, body, and brain. A little further into the ceremony, I got drunk on this vine; it was hard to focus on singing or even seeing and reading the lyrics. I laid down & eventually left the room to get away from everybody and especially lights.

I vaguely saw patterns, but no memorable visualizations. I didn't want to purge at all this time, but cried a little while was in the room with everyone. I gotta say that on ayahuasca, time doesn't exist. At some point, I got lost in the inner world; was laying there for 40 minutes or so without realizing about my body. I was going back and forth like this, escaping into myself having no clue on where exactly I was upon coming back into my body. Just laying there on the couch, with pain and suffering escaping me with each breath I exhaled.

I received the biggest dose on my 3rd cup, and at some point my vision got blurry when I left the room to lay on the couch with dimmed lights. It was hard to see, so I closed my eyes and was just trying to have visuals. But they never came. Once ayahuasca gets into your blood stream, and into your brain, you get intoxicated, and it becomes really hard to focus. All you want to do is lay down.


Ayahuasca was definitely not what I expected. The best way I could describe it, is a warm blanket. It feels hard at times, but cozy in the end. I did not go very deep, but feel like I really needed this. I asked the brew to go easy on me, and it did. A month later, I felt like it cleansed my brain of all the chaos. I was feeling a little crazy at around the summer, like I was on the verge of going insane. Ayahuasca took that away from me completely. After this ceremony, I now understand why Shamans in the Amazon drink it in the dark. It's not because of how some may think that the Shamanic world is "dark" and "evil". But it's mostly because in complete darkness, you could go far more deeper into the experience, and into yourself. I just wish the people at this Brazilian ceremony explained some things to me, like to close your eyes and try to visualize and then hold onto your visualizations. Because if you don't, you won't have any, which was my case. It was as if you were on your own, unless you got assigned a helper like in my case. But it was good for my first time, and I am proud of myself for facing my biggest fears, doing exactly what I wanted to do.

I wonder if you can do pickup in..

Second Life. I wanna get back into pickup. but scared and dunno if im ready. but then again, i dont no if ill ever b ready...

Brian Tracy

I like this guy. I remember when I was watching lots of Bob Proctor speeches. he was very well informed and had the right ideas. but I felt like he kept me in a loop of positive thinking, and coming back to view his material. this 1 video of Brian Tracy right here did more for me, than watching all those Bob Proctor lectures





I will start doing some of these things right away, others I would have to sit down and prepare to plan them. I am getting back into working on myself and really find ways to get more successful in life, and not just with women. I finally finished my Photoshop DVD, but I am so lazy that it took me nearly a year! A YEAR!! If I really sat down and planned it all out studying it every day, it could've taken me a few months tops!

Anyway, here is another good video I want to share. No more spending all my free time watching and reading news about the world blowing up. I'll keep that to a minimum, and will skip most of the stories. I invest so much time in this shit, that I simply don't have energy for self-improvement in my life anymore.

Meditation and Music helps

I really need to get back into pick-up. I haven't done any approaches in so long, I feel like I lost all my power. I need to keep approaching women. It gives me energy, and makes me feel alive. It's really weird. Approaching women to get with makes me feel confident and amazing as a man.

But anyway, meditation helps to clear the mind. I have been doing it daily for about 2 weeks, and can actually remember my dreams every time I wake up, at least some of them. Even after I stopped smoking weed, I couldn't remember 90% of my dreams anymore. It's like I didn't care. I stopped reading my Seth book, and forgot all about that 2nd life. I also read that people who meditate every day, have Lucid Dreams on the regular basis. I remember back when I was trying to Astral Project, but didn't realize it's a constant work. Working on yourself as a person. Meditation is like food, spiritual food. Just like music