I'm in prison

every fucking weekend it's the same shit. I stay home all day. I may go out to buy food or clothes, but outside of that, I am stuck in my own routine of doing absolutely nothing. you know.. I actually enjoy weekdays a lot more. yes, I still have no friends to hang out with and yes I am still miserable, but at least work keeps me occupied and sane. I feel like i am in prison. damn life is hard.  dont know how to break this pattern.

my biggest fear is to be stuck like this living with fear unto my 50s and 60s. with all my family gone, and me not having anyone left, who will look out for me? I stopped going out again cuz I dont really approach women 98% of the time when I do. I just get drunk and high. oh well. idk what to say. I'll just exist in this dimension of misery and hate every minute of it. Don't know how to do anything else. I've never actually lived this life. just existed.

My situation

Today, I had a realization. I am living in a very similar environment as I was living when I was living in LA. Life is not as chaotic as it was back then, but it is still a big mess.

So I got back into playing World of Warcraft on a vanilla server. I hit 20 on Elysium

And Then I thought to myself, "there are too many people here, and it's hard to level." Plus, server went down every single day for almost 2 weeks. So, I rerolled on the less populated server-Zeth'Kur. I hit level 13

Then, after learning about all the drama on Elysium, I tried to make a suggestion. But then, I read in the suggestion section, that the staff would not even hear my suggestion. I wanted to suggest they create a separate 15x server. The staff said not to even bother asking for this, and that they will always be "true 1x Blizzlike server". I thought to myself "I can't take this anymore." I barely have any time, and any free time I have I end up spending in this game trying to level to 60. On top of that, blizzard could just come in and shut down the server at any moment, like they did Nostalrius. And all of those months if not years you spent into your character, would go down the toilet. So, again I rerolled on VanillaGaming, which is a much less populated server but at least they are 15x. So you spend 15 less time leveling and grinding. So, with the limited amount of time I have, I hit 60 within about 2 weeks

I played so much, that every free time I had I spent in this game. It got so bad, that tendons in my hands started to hurt. I was actually trying to recover from this, but playing this game made it 10 times worse. I'm officially on a one week sabbatical starting today from playing this game.


The realization that I had, was that if I keep doing what I'm doing, I will never recover from my real-life problems. I keep trying to escape my life, whether it's playing WoW, or having out of body experiences, I always end up being here in my body, miserable, lonely, and complaining about my circumstance.

I live in in-law, and sometimes all the walking that happens above me gets a little overwhelming. I keep trying to want to be left alone in peace. But today I realized that if that happens, I will always be poor. I will always live in cheap places, with noise problems, and ghetto people. Like my roommate for example. After she and her friends heard me listening to Trump speeches, as well as some Red Ice Radio interviews (I am a member), she and all the people that come by to visit her started to act really weird. She's Mexican. Instead of asking me or talking to me about Trump, she automatically put me in a box, judging me and looking down on me. These are the type of people I will always be around, unless I get off my ass and do something to change my life.

I even posted on the things that I can do to make lots of money, but all I do is watch these law of attraction videos fantasizing about the good life, instead of working hard to get there.

So, the realization today was that I have to create a Long term goal plan, write it down, and work every single day to achieve it. I want to start small. I really want to get a certificate this year. I'm thinking between a Mac, Network+ (I heard that you automatically get A+ -mine expired), or Windows 10. At the same time, I should start reading books that I always wanted to read. I have two books that have been laying around for two years. Plus, one Seth Book that I have been reading for almost one year! I need to find a way to create a plan where I read little by little everyday, instead of surfing the Internet and wasting my life in this dead end game.

For anyone that is still reading my blog... Wish me luck, because I sure as hell need it.

this guy just described me and my life perfectly

he is 22, and I am 36. crazy... fuck my life!

if it wasn't for my Transsexual friend, whom I've met while facing my fears, I would literally have NO FRIENDS. At least I don't live at home anymore. guess I'm getting ahead somehow, someway.

I need more House in my life

so I finally got internet here, my landlord let me use his. he is the best land lord I've ever had. the coolest guy ever and he likes me too. I don't cause trouble and always reserve water, electricity, and am clean, and he helps me out with stuff. anyway. I finally smoked this weekend on my own. I only smoke with a friend when we go out, and we been hitting up the House clubs. We get tipsy, high, and then dance and enjoy the music. not all of it is good, but when it is good, it is good!






I'm taking a break from viewing all the chaos, and the fall of the western world. I'm gonna check the Trump and Islam news at work, and at home watch LOA and self help, affirmation, and Photoshop tutorial videos on youtube. Time to get my life back on track. I need a plan. One plan is to get better at Photography and PS. Then I'm gonna get back into Premier and make a few movies. Then I will get back into pickup, but I'm thinking of doing a plastic surgery first. We'll see. I need to get my life in order, or things for me will never change.

I'm gonna start to meditate too. 20 minutes a day. I think that's not bad. At night before going to bed. I need to make goals and accomplish them. Man life is hard. But the best thing you could do is work work work hard at it. Otherwise, things will never change.

one girl at work likes me...

here we go again... these are the stages women who like me go through...

Stage 1: who is that?
Stage 2: why isn't he talking to me?
Stage 3: is he gonna take to me? *grows impatient*
Stage 4: omg.. wth is his problem?
Stage 5: fuck him! *gets really mad*

not all end up in stage 5, but I've seen a few and they get heated!! lol. what can I say... I am a fucking mess. usually, women who like mysterious guys like me. because I am a big question mark.

I really wanna get better with women and people, I really do. unfortunately, the corporate world is not a good place to practice. I have been fired from a job for trying to talk to a woman. I have seen guys get fired for trying to talk to women on the job. if you are nervous in a corporate world environment talking with a woman, all she has to do is go tell her supervisor that you made her uncomfortable. and that would be your job. is it worth it? fuck no! but anyway...

this girl looks either latin or middle eastern. she is fine as helllll!!! probably the finest girl I've seen in the whole company. I've seen her a few times working the front window, and saw her walk home today as well. I really wanna get back into pick-up one day, but I stopped approaching almost completely due to money, no friends, and me not having independence. I am way too ashamed with my living situation, my age, and having nothing to show for. what else can I say. life goes on...

so I found a few of my old pics...

from back when I was going to college. this was about 10 years ago. it's basically pics of me sitting at my computer desk.

NOTHING has changed. I am still sitting at home nearly EVERY weekend, doing NOTHING with my life. I have no friends, I have no future plans or any sort of future prospect on life. I don't even make goals anymore and try to accomplish them. Just staying home feeling sorry for myself, thinking about how no one cares about me. no one calls me, no one even texts me. I am just here all alone without a soul in the world reaching out to me. fuck my life. how many more lifetimes will it take for me to wake up? to see that this will never change. I will never get anything out of life if I keep doing what I'm doing. it's almost as if I gave up again, as I did many times in the past.

I was helping my mom donating stuff to Goodwill today, and realized something. doing things with another person, even if it's my mom whom I don't even wanna be around most of the times, makes things pleasant. if I were to go to Goodwill by myself to donate stuff, it would have been so depressing, so lonely, so miserable. But driving there with someone, ANYONE, made it actually pretty cool.

But I can't stop thinking about them selfies from college. I had my first cell phone on my desk, my computer hiding underneath, with my monitor on top of the desk, and my miserable ass staring at the camera.

I am trying to meet someone, but internet dating is the most depressing thing I ever experienced. I get almost NO REPLIES. and I refuse to go out since 1) i don't drink, and 2) i am ashamed of my circumstance with my living situation, financial situation, and friend situation. too ashamed to put myself out there, let alone talk about these things with a new stranger. 3) i have so much FEAR every time I hit the club or any public gathering where people are out having fun, thinking someone will try to hurt me there, I can't even put it into words.

I will never change, and my life will never improve if I don't do something NOW. But i don't know why I don't. I know this, yet I don't act on it. I am like Jeffrey Dahmer who never made any decisions of his own growing up. and now that I'm all grown up, it's hard to even leave the house, go to a store, and say to self "I want to buy this today". I'm at the store, and I don't even know what I want!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my mom makes all the decisions for me. she buys food, groceries, fruits, sweets, etc.. it's really terrible, this life. no wonder women treat me like a serial killer. no one wants to be around this much misery and burden. they want happy, and positive folks, and I am far from that. I am 10x more positive than before, but even then, it's never enough for women.

and with trannies it's all about money. if you don't have money, forget even THINKING about dating a beautiful transsexual. that 'friend' of mine is a good example. she said "i need a rich husband, for real". no wonder she never calls me or texts me anymore. I am a mama's boy who doesn't even make enough to have his own place. she complains that "you don't ever buy anything for me", when she wants me to buy her $800 pair of shoes for her. right... I'm gonna save up my money that I make in 2 weeks, to buy you shoes. She has this Asian friend who helps her. he pays her bills sometimes, and even rent when she is short. buys her other stuff, and she is so "happy" with him. He is her "Angel". She meets him every weekend, and even calls him on the phone. I guess I gotta be loaded in order to get any sort of love from her, or most trannies.

I think I'm gonna go back to watching prison documentaries, as they are the only things that I could relate to. people just dump you in a hole, and no one in the world knows nor cares that you even exist. that's how I feel about my life. I had this therapist once who told me this terminology "a living ghost", someone who just observes life passively without ever participating in it. that's me, and always have been. My father thought that if he has a son, his life would be great and he would be happy. but what he got was a replica of himself with all of his burdens that he passed onto me. this is why I will NEVER have children. I would rather be alone all my life and miserable hating myself and the world. until I tackle my issues and get myself outta this shithole, I may as well just stick it out until I am outta here.

I feel like I am Alone again...

Here we go again...  somehow, someway... I make a friend. The friendship lasts a little bit, and then it happens... we get further and further until I am alone again. story of my life.

So it's about that tranny "friend" again. I don't even know where to start. But I'll start when we were in a hotel last. I told her that I will always love her, and she was real excited that night when I was dropping her home. She even told me "let's keep in touch! but if I don't answer texts that means I don't wanna look at my phone". Even called me the same night when I got home. I told her she could use me for rides since I love driving. So... she would call me frequently about helping her. It got so crazy that when I'd call her to say hi, she'd be shopping with her mom asking me to give her a ride back home. I didn't do it, but thought wow... she's abusing me. she stopped calling about this and maybe realized it or maybe... she found another guy to give her rides.

So not even a month ago I didn't hear from her for a while. And I thought 'let me not call her till she calls me'. And this was during the New Years Eve, and beyond. I literally had NO ONE to call, spend time with, and even talk to. I was going crazy, mentally I mean. No job at that time, no social interaction, and my mom was away on vacation. I was locked up in my house all day every day. A week goes by and I cave in, I call her... She of course was busy being out with her mom and her "friend" who bought them dinner. She said she'll call me back. When she called me the next day, she was very distant that day. Right then and there I realized that she doesn't care. And that's when I stopped caring.

I spend money on her, and I did it because I want to. Life is very different for transsexuals, and I really care about them for some reason. But it's like... she treats me like shit. I told her that I will buy the plane ticket for her mom to fly back to Mexico. She told me she'll do research and let me know details. I was like cool... so then she tells me when I was visiting her "my mom is leaving on the 20th". So, I'm thinking "oh, wow she must've bought a ticket". Then I texted her on the 18th asking about her mom's departure and she goes "my mom is ready. are you ready?" I thought "is she asking me to buy her a ticket this way?" I mean, she doesn't even have enough courtesy to CALL ME and ASK ME like a human being? She waits until I bring it up and then she indirectly indicates it. So, I am not even worth a phone call and you want me to pay for your shit? FUCK YOU!!! I don't know... am I wrong here? Am I over-exagerating? I texted her back "Am I ready for what?" Because honestly, I feel if you want my help you should ASK me, in person or on the phone. She read my message and never texted me since. Probably found another guy to buy her ticket.

And another thing I realized; she only calls me when she needs me. I haven't heard from her in almost 2 weeks. Last time we hung out, was when I drove her to go shopping. We didn't end up going shopping so we hung out at her place. And this time... I am not calling her. I am tired of this. I told her before "why you treat me so bad?" and she didn't get it, and even told me "i treat my other male friends 10x worse". So, I guess us men are all replaceable species. We are so easily disposable, it's pathetic! I don't spend money on her, so she finds someone who will.

And she has other friends. One guy pays for everything for her. She calls him "my angel". He bought her a $4,000 bed, spent $8,000 on her buying her 2 purses, and some other shit, and is paying rent for her for the next 3 months because of her surgery. And god knows on what else he spends on her. Thinking about that makes me think. Who am I to her? I am not rich, I don't even have enough money to get my own place. Is money all she cares about? If yes, then I know where I stand.

Either way, I grew more distant from her. She has her brother, her best friend back in Mexico. her other Tranny friends on Facebook, other guys like me trying to call her either to fuck or to pay her for sex, and then... there is me. huh... I feel like I am one of the many, and she is the one. That's some bullshit. Why are men so fucking easy to replace in our society, and women are held on a fucking silver platter like trophies? You know it's funny, I always complain about women treating me badly, but she is a good example. She is a transsexual, which I am sure now she'll disagree since she has a pussy, but even then she treats me like a cash machine, or a yellow cab. If I have no more funds, or gas, she would pick up the phone, and call another cash machine, or dial another yellow cab that is available. And she could get it all for free. Fuck me. Fuck my life.

Just thinking about this... Last time she asked me to come over to hang out... was so that I could bring some weed, hahahahaha. So if I don't have money, rides to provide, or weed, there is absolutely no reason for her phone call. Lol... I don't know what else to do but laugh, but this is life of a beautiful woman, or transsexual in this case. Either way, men bend backwards just to be with her or around her. And one time, ONE TIME I was late, okay twice... and she tells me "you shouldn't have the barbie wait". But she made me wait almost every time we were going to hang out for 30+ minutes! That's okay right? She said "yeah, but I'm a woman. that's okay." I think I just gave up on her. I tried teaching her that that sort of thing is not right, but it feels like it's no use. She just...... doesn't..... care.... unless I have some money I guess.

I am gonna go smoke some herb. I need it. I been smoking lightly every day to build high tolerance. Don't have bad trips anymore. I still wanna do some DMT & Ayahuasca, but weed is all I got for now...

p.s. I just remembered that the last time we were smoking in my car and talking she told me "you get on my nerves sometimes". I said "I'm surprised you're still around. most people leave me cuz I get on their nerves." The same exact thing I was told to by my other friend I hung out with and blogged about. "you get on my nerves sometimes"... People won't even give me a chance to improve. I told her that I am an only child so I am still learning social skills 3x, but she just said "stop using it as an excuse". Guess it's true what they say... Some men are meant to walk a lonely road