Huge Panic Attack

so yesterday after I trained my Kung Fu, I left and approached this girl outside. Afterwards, I felt this fear running through my body. And when I got home, I felt weak because I didn't eat for 7 hours. So, finally I ate my frozen burrito, thinking it will make me feel better. I still felt weak and like I was going to faint. my plans were to go out, drink 4 shots of vodka before I get to the club. And then talk to girls there while drunk. But I didn't go. I was worried that if I already feel like passing out, vodka may just do that.

Today I thought fuck it, no work tomorrow and I will go out tonight instead. It's Sunday so it would be slow, so no drinking. But I still feel weak like yesterday.

So  I am watching this funny ass movie, Dinner for Schmucks, because I thought I need to watch something funny when I feel shitty rather than browse toxic pol on the weekend. And I had this HUGE panic attack. This is why I stopped smoking weed, cuz i'd get these all the time. But now I am sober and I felt like kms. Called my tranny friend, literally the only one i have, and she calmed me down and told me to take the pill my doc subscribed to me. I ended up in ER last year cuz had a panic attack just like this. they told me it's from stress and nothing is wrong with me.

I feel better now, but still weak. I just feel like it's too heavy to be in this body with all my problems. And I am so lonely. it's too much sometimes to handle. I am also doing No Fap and on it for a while. Feel a lot better mentally and physically, but sometimes I need to release. But soon I'm going to Europe to do some self improvement for myself, and I hope it helps.

I haven't been blogging at all, because I guess I am just really private and stopped caring about my blog lately. So, maybe I'll blog again. Maybe not. it's kinda random, not like I used to post all the time. I just hope I'll be okay. I'm trying to improve myself in my love life and my social life, but it's so fucking hard. sometimes I just wanna get drunk and numb my feelings down, so that I don't have to feel the pain of loneliness and worthlessness. Because everywhere I go, all I see is couples everywhere. Feels like I'm disconnected from humanity and everything else in the universe.

Forever sexually frustrated

that's how I feel right now.

I'm back on my No Fap, No Porn program. I think I blogged about this yeeaaaaaars ago. but it is really helpful this time, because I have really stuck with it. I got to a point where my dick was lifeless. NOTHING turned me on. I only got off and had erections through porn. I came like 1x per 3 weeks at least to release, but that would still be me fapping and watching porn, the most damaging thing to men and their erectile dysfunction in our age. this was me, but after No Fap since August 1st, which is almost 3 months now, I actually wake up with hard boners. I get real erections when talking to or even looking at women!! I can't believe it. I actually FEEL something in my pants, and get arousals.

I just don't know how long I'll be able to hold off. I need a release, and me not being that great with girls really makes it extremely difficult. I wanna get better but feel so alone. no friends, no wingmen, and think I need to create a 30 day program of me pushing my boundaries socially every day, until I start to actually approach and talk to women I am attracted to. otherwise, going out to the beach every once in a while to talk to strangers won't change shit. it may get me laid one day if I'm lucky and grow enough courage to start approaching girls, but in the end I'll still remain the same.

fuck life is hard. sometimes I have not even an outlet sexually. Sometimes I wish I lived in a state or a country where prostitution was legal. because my dick feels like it is going to explode some days, along with my balls.

My Date with an Indian Girl

so today, I had a date with the Indian girl I last blogged about. I thought she was gonna flake and not respond, like most of my female interactions, but she didn't. We met up at our work's cafeteria. I was really busy, and had another appointment with a user at 1pm. She wanted to meet at 12:30, so I was in a rush.

I had doubts about asking her out over the weekend. I didn't really take a good look at her, and kept wondering if she's my type. But when I got there I was like damn she's pretty! But again, I still don't know. I am a Libra and we are picky af! Anyway, I got my food already, found a seat, and told her where it is while she stood in line.

As she joined me, we chit chatted and then it happened. Me being me-inexperienced, and haven't had a date in close to 5 years (if not longer). We had awkward moments but they didn't last that long. She filled them up with movies she watched, and I filled them in with some other crap I don't remember. All in all, I don't know. I think she likes me but you can never be too sure. Girls are weird. They act interested and flake, or not call back, and all just to be nice and not make you feel rejected. Even though that is exactly what they are doing.

How do I feel about this whole thing? Like I feel about everything in my life. Ashamed. Ashamed of not having experience with women, ashamed of not being exciting and fun to be around, ashamed of revealing this side of me to her. But I can't say it was that bad. I think I am just too hard on myself. I was doing what I usually do on dates, hiding. I am afraid what people around may hear when I speak, so I don't speak loud enough. It's really bad, but I guess it comes from feeling shame about everything in my life. I used to be a lot worse, though. I would be this way ALL THE TIME, EVERYWHERE, WITH EVERYBODY! I have at least improved a lot when it comes to people, and improved a little bit when it comes to women where I managed to ask this girl out. 99% of the times I don't, even though there could be all these signs of interest. I am too afraid of what others around will think, and I prevent myself from living my life.

Towards the end I said "We should do this again sometimes" before leaving. She said sure. I added "outside of this place[work]"... If anything comes out of it, I'll blog about it. If not, then even better. So that I don't have to deal with this shit. I feel like I am a 16 year old stuck in a 38 year old body. Can't even imagine how bad I will be at sex, if it ever gets to that...

I asked an Indian Girl out at work...

I know, I know... after getting red-pilled, I am 100% against race-mixing. But I am not planning on having children, so I think I am good.

I did not think I was going to do this. I haven't asked a woman out in a loooooooong ass time. And frankly, I am frightened to show any woman my lonely world. Which is why I don't ask any women out. But today at work I was helping this girl out, and she is so my type. Big girl, curvy, BBW kind. I am in IT so I was setting up her laptop. There wasn't any social pressure since we were in a private room. Then I lead the conversation to eventually bringing out the part that she is from India (took me like 3x ffs). Then it was Bollywood > Padmavatti (my favorite movie of 2018) > Shiva Goddess, etc.. and from there she was very cool. Showed me I.O.I.'s and everything. She was very surprised about my knowledge of Indian culture.

I really felt the tension, and was thinking about asking her out but hesitated 2x. Then finally I ask "Would you like to have lunch sometime?" She paused for 2 seconds...... then said yes. Then before leaving, she said "yeah, email me so we can have lunch". I guess she really likes me. She is kinda short, though. I think 5'2", or even shorter. But DAMN she is thick!

I don't know. I am really afraid about race-mixing, but not like we're going to have sex next time. It may not even work out. I just hope she won't try to use me to get a green card cuz her VISA expires in 2020. Will post more details soon...

Blackops2cel

Was just listening to parts of FaceLMS Live chat and heard about Blackops2cel... I nearly fell off my chair when I saw his pic

Incels troll hard. Poor guy was a celebrity of an PUAHate incel community. Incels are probably the biggest miserable fucks I've been around. funny times posting and browsing, but at some point gets too toxic, racist, and almost evil. everybody hates themselves and their lives they troll to another level.

Anyway, this really reminds me of my PUAHate days. laughing uncontrollably seeing these Tinder experiments with Male Model profiles. the shit you could get away with had me laughing for hours!! good old days... RIP PUAHate though. the biggest toxic waste I've ever been on.

I should just run my own MM Tinder profile but I'm too lazy.

p.s. more examples

St. Blackops2cel - the comments... ROFL i think im gonna die from laughing right now!! HAHAHA https://www.reddit.com/r/Braincels/comments/82ufay/let_us_take_this_brief_moment_to_give_thanks_to/

Steve Jabba is awesome

Pick-up is like meditation. but let's be real here. Jabba is a good looking guy. that helps a lot. looks DOES matter. anyone tells you it doesn't is full of shit...

when will I start living?

I am 37 years old, soon to be 38, and I have never lived my life. I've always just existed, like a leaf floating in mid air, going towards any direction the wind blows.

I haven't been blogging lately due to several reasons, but this is one of them. when will I start living? will I go through life until it's my time to leave being miserable and lonely? I am just tired of blogging about the same shit, complaining about the same thing. and I give up so much. I really want to to get back into pickup but feel like I cant do this alone. its so efing hard. plus i really wanna move outta Cali. people here are so passive aggresive, its like they dont wanna be talked to. but i need 2 travel first to see the rest of US but im scared.

anyway. just wanted 2 let that off my chest. its hot af today. gonna go finish exercising and shower. maybe go to the beach..

FUCK PRIDE!!

so last night I was planning on going to this upscale bar. my friend calls me and says "hey, there is this club and I read in a newspaper that they'll have a good DJ. check the site and call me." So I did and texted her that there will be multiple DJs, but it's a pride weekend and they rented the entire place (this club usually has 2 events so one club split in half). So she says let's do this! I get ready and pick her up.

We park a block away, and as we get there, LITERALLY 98% OF THE CROWD IS GAY! I WAS LIKE WTF!?!?! AM I IN A TWILIGHT ZONE? THIS ISN'T EVEN A GAY CLUB! so we wait a long ass time in line cuz I guess it was full. I tell her "let's go to a bar next door". She goes NOOOOOOOOOOO! we're almost in blah blah blah. We eventually get in, the cover is $40 EACH!! even though it says 20-30 on the website. now I know you're probably thinking, this can't get any worse, right? IT DOES! AT LEAST 60% OF THE MEN ARE HALF NAKED IN SHORTS WITH SHIRTS OFF!!

I'm like let's get drinks, so I lead her upstairs and buy 2. SHE DISAPPEARS WITHOUT TELLING ME ANYTHING. I just moved a little bit to the wall to stand on top of the stands because it was so crowded, I was spilling drinks as people were bumping into me. so I wasn't going to go chase her, looking for her all over the club. I drink mine, and eventually start to drink hers. after finishing about 35% of her drink, she shows up " I was in a bathroom!"

I chit chatted some people to warm up (NO HOMO), and eventually spot this room where they did Tarot readings and VR. I bring her in there. she reluctantly follows. I tell her WTF ELSE U GONNA DO HERE?? plus these are FREE so who cares. We waited for our reading forever, cuz it took 10-15mins for each person, and there were 4 -5 people ahead of us with only 2 readers at the desk.

After we are done with Tarot she starts complaining "let's go to another club!" I tell her "look! it's almost 2am, and by the time we get there, they'll be closed. but this place closes at 4." then as I'm waiting to try the VR mask, she just leaves.

Then I get a text from her "Ur gay". I'm like WTF!!!?!?!?! she drags me to this PRIDE BULLSHIT, it ends up being nothing but homos, I pay for entrance and drinks, spending $120, AND NOW SHE IS CALLING ME GAY!??!?!? I tell her LOOK, I wasn't even going to come here, and only came because of u. I pay for everything, you leave me here, and now you insult me. that's fuked up. she texts me "come over". I tell her no. I'm gonna stay here a little more. I was a little tipsy with 3.5 drinks in my system, so I wanted to sober up a little before I drove home. I only met 2 girls that SEEMED they were straight. everybody else were lesbians (mostly couples.) some smelled really bad of sweat. I was one of the only straight looking guys there with normal going out clothes.

SO FUCK PRIDE! I learned that when I see the word "Pride" in an event, to steer clear of it. I mean I did meet a cool photographer, and chit chatted with some nice people, but overall this was NOT worth it. THE worst experience of 2017 going out so far.

I am going out to that upscale bar tonight. and if it turns out to be like this, I'll simply leave. At least it's free, unless they throw a special event for a party like they did last weekend. Will do some warm ups and approach some girls. I'm serious about improving my social skills, and life. It will just take a long time. But I don't care. I'm committed.

And in case you are wondering what that place looked here. here you go...

Tom Torero-the best Pick-Up teacher I found

after meeting all the disgusting douchbags like Tyler Durden and his RSD crew, I have been turned off by most of the "PUAs" in the community and took a long break. I really want to get back into pick-up, but finding an instructor that matches your style is no easy task. So far, this is the best guy I found, even though I haven't seen him in-field yet. but if you can find a better teacher, let me know.

I am doing a lot of studying, getting back into reading books, and setting goals. And once I'm ready, I'm going to start doing Pick-up. I don't want to be a miserable and lonely old man thinking about what I could've done in life. And if I let life pass me by, I may just end up that way...

I got an e-mail of this German girl

last time I had a date was over a year ago when I was still doing Pick-up in a mall. my social life is a joke!! but anyway, believe it or not, this was at work and just happened like 10 minutes ago.

She is from Germany and is going back by the end of the year. she is about a 6, 7 max. blonde hair, blue eyes. even though I am very picky, we had a really good conversation, and I just said I wanna continue it over coffee. she said yes. I was expecting a no, since I get that 99% of the time. but my guess is that Europeans are very different than Americans, especially Californians, who are indirect and fake as hell. I asked for her #, but she gave me her e-mail instead. no one was around, so I felt no social pressure. still got really nervous when I thought about asking her.

I'll blog about what happened. stay tuned.

I need more House in my life

so I finally got internet here, my landlord let me use his. he is the best land lord I've ever had. the coolest guy ever and he likes me too. I don't cause trouble and always reserve water, electricity, and am clean, and he helps me out with stuff. anyway. I finally smoked this weekend on my own. I only smoke with a friend when we go out, and we been hitting up the House clubs. We get tipsy, high, and then dance and enjoy the music. not all of it is good, but when it is good, it is good!






I'm taking a break from viewing all the chaos, and the fall of the western world. I'm gonna check the Trump and Islam news at work, and at home watch LOA and self help, affirmation, and Photoshop tutorial videos on youtube. Time to get my life back on track. I need a plan. One plan is to get better at Photography and PS. Then I'm gonna get back into Premier and make a few movies. Then I will get back into pickup, but I'm thinking of doing a plastic surgery first. We'll see. I need to get my life in order, or things for me will never change.

I'm gonna start to meditate too. 20 minutes a day. I think that's not bad. At night before going to bed. I need to make goals and accomplish them. Man life is hard. But the best thing you could do is work work work hard at it. Otherwise, things will never change.

I just saw a Goddess, pt. 2

As I was talking about this earlier, I just saw her again. As I was walking by, she was coming into the building from a balcony. As we got close, we both realized each others' presence. The good news is, she is a loner like me. The bad news is, she doesn't seem to be interested in me at all. At least that's how I read her. She looked away right away and kept on walking.

But there is another girl that I think really likes me. I actually managed to talk to her a week before last, and got her name! Felt so good afterwards. She even asked me mine when didn't hear it and asked me about what part of the company I work at. Will blog more about her if anything ever comes out of this. Stay tuned.

I just saw a Goddess

WHOOOO!!! DAMN!!! I just saw the hottest girl I have probably ever seen. you know, before I came to this country, I had a dream to grow up, marry a blonde, and have 2-3 children with her. then the inevitable happened, I started to watch the liberal media, hating my white skin, and wanting to go with black girls. I digress.. but DAMMNN!!!

this girl was about my height, really thick, blonde hair, blue eyes, white olive skin. maybe I will have her next lifetime. can't really say anything in this corporate world without getting in trouble. and especially me, someone with not so much social experience of the opposite sex. make her uncomfortable, and hear from your boss with "nice working with you". Happened to me before. I've seen this happen to co-workers before. that's just the rules in this place. she sat a table away, and then left after like 30 seconds. HANDS DOWN THE HOTTEST GIRL I HAVE SEEN IN THIS WHOLE COMPANY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A EUROPEAN GODDESS!!!!!!!!!

going to lunch now. maybe I can see her again, so I can stare when she's not looking, so I don't look like a creep... lol

one girl at work likes me...

here we go again... these are the stages women who like me go through...

Stage 1: who is that?
Stage 2: why isn't he talking to me?
Stage 3: is he gonna take to me? *grows impatient*
Stage 4: omg.. wth is his problem?
Stage 5: fuck him! *gets really mad*

not all end up in stage 5, but I've seen a few and they get heated!! lol. what can I say... I am a fucking mess. usually, women who like mysterious guys like me. because I am a big question mark.

I really wanna get better with women and people, I really do. unfortunately, the corporate world is not a good place to practice. I have been fired from a job for trying to talk to a woman. I have seen guys get fired for trying to talk to women on the job. if you are nervous in a corporate world environment talking with a woman, all she has to do is go tell her supervisor that you made her uncomfortable. and that would be your job. is it worth it? fuck no! but anyway...

this girl looks either latin or middle eastern. she is fine as helllll!!! probably the finest girl I've seen in the whole company. I've seen her a few times working the front window, and saw her walk home today as well. I really wanna get back into pick-up one day, but I stopped approaching almost completely due to money, no friends, and me not having independence. I am way too ashamed with my living situation, my age, and having nothing to show for. what else can I say. life goes on...

This is why you should NEVER listen to a woman's advice...

...on how to pick her up. most girls are stuuuuupid and clueless about what they want, and then they think they have any single clue on teaching guys on how to seduce them. This is why I will never listen to what a woman tells me about how a guy should act, and talk to her. BITCH PLEASE!!! This video is the perfect example of why. It is sad and depressing, and funny as shit at the same time. apologies if I already have posted this