co-worker playing this song all day

at least 3 times i'm like WTF IS THAT!? SOMEBODY'S RING TONE?

it's my co-worker bumping to this. now I can't stop listening to it myself..

reason why I stopped trying to Astral Project

the reason why I stopped trying to have OBEs, Out-of-Body Experiences, Astral Projections, Out-of-Body Travel, and whatever you want to call it, is very simple. I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH IN-BODY-EXPERIENCES!

I gotta say, all my life I have been fascinated with Astral Travel. Ever since the first time I found out about it, I was hooked. What is it? Where can I go? Can I visit other worlds, or other planets? Can I meet aliens? Can I visit my ancestors? The possibilities are endless. But the problem is, I haven't lived HERE. I spend all this time thinking and trying to go THERE.

Let's see. I am 35, I have almost no friends, I just lost my virginity, I still live at home with my mom, I don't have a career, I do drive and have a car so that's a good thing, I don't have a girlfriend, I have so-so social skills, I don't know how to make enough money to move out on my own and get my own place. And after all of that, I am trying to escape this reality? Sounds like I am just running away from myself and my circumstances. Now, all of these things I am dealing with are changeable and doable. BUT I HAVE TO LIVE HERE IN THIS REALITY!!! I can't accomplish any of these goals I want to if I spend all my energy studying how to go out 'there' instead of learning how to be 'here.' This is why I stopped trying to have OBEs. Ironically, though, I still have them from time to time. I am half way of reading my latest OBE book, and I haven't touched it in months.

The thing with Astral Projection is, once you have one, you will always have them. you could have Lucid Dreams, or even regular dreams, but once you have an actual Out-of-Body experience, which is quiet different, you will keep having them. Whether you'd have one every week or every month, that all depends. But you will have them. Ironically, I had one last night without even trying. The thing, naps are crucial. And I tend to have an OBE when I take a nap during the day, and fall asleep a few hours later.

But yeah, as I said already. I am focusing my consciousness in THIS reality from now on. I have so many things I need to learn as you could already tell. It's impossible to attain all these needs and desires, if you spend all your time trying to learn what it's like to be in the spirit world. Robert Monroe had his first OBE when he was 43, and correct me if I'm wrong, he already had a house, a wife, and was a successful businessman. Now, if I had my life put together like that, HELL YES I WOULD TRY TO OBE! I would try to OBE every night. But I can't be putting all my energy into this, when my life here on earth, in the 3 dimensional space, is out of order. I spend more time trying to leave my body, then to learn how to be in it and find ways to make money. I need money. I really do. At this point in my life, I never thought I would ever care about money. I always knew that money isn't everything, and that money can't buy real friends or real love. But boy is money important in our world. How am I going to survive without money if I want to move out on my own?

And without money, how am I going to travel? I want to travel. I want to visit other states. I want to make friends. I want to explore THIS world. I want to learn Portuguese real well and travel to Brazil at some point. I want to visit the Amazon. I want to go to Thailand. I want to visit New York, which has been a dream of mine for so long, I almost feel like it will just be that, a dream. So many things I want to do on this planet, that I waste all my time trying to not be here. I understand I am miserable and not happy, but I can change all that. I know I can. But it won't happen if all I do is spend my free time trying to leave this reality, when I never perfected it. Once I perfect it, then I'll have an excuse to learn lessons in the Astral World. Until then, I need to find how to learn my lesson in this one. After all, that's why we are all here, to learn the lessons we came here to learn.

update

so a lot of things happened since I blogged last time about self-esteem issues and the Colombian Tranny.

I really thought she left me, and was ignoring me, due to all of the people from my past always leaving me. But not long after, I get a text from her... "Hola"... I was like WTF!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!! this was a huge shock because 1) she was very distant, and didn't return my text a few times, and 2) I called and left her a voice mail asking her why she so distant. is it something I did? is it something I said? she did NOT call me back.

turns out, she was just exhausted from her surgery, and didn't even set up her voice mail. lol!!! this really shows me how much chaos I have in my mind, and all of us really. I had so many people in my life leave me, I thought it happened again. but it was all in my mind. crazy thing is, it made me stronger. I literally felt like I fell in love, and the girl broke my heart. it was the worst feeling in the world! It was so bad, I wanted to die. I couldn't function normally. I couldn't do homework, I couldn't watch any movies, I couldn't do anything but think about this girl ALL DAY! And in the end, I just shut her off, and realized that I have to move on and love myself unconditionally. without doing that, I'll always be fucked up with people not wanting to do with me.

it's been really hard, though, since she has her mother visiting her, and I live with mine. so getting together was a challenge. we had sex unexpectedly after we went shopping on black Friday. her mother was sleeping in the bedroom while we were fucking in the middle room. you know, the old me would've never did this. but I thought that I gotta take more risks.

the thing is, she flaked on me the next day when we were supposed to meet in a hotel again. she spent all her money on clothes, and had to "work" again. I was really mad and disappointed, but she has to work and make money like all of us. her life is very unpredictable, and I learned to accept that. another thing I learned is that she doesn't even have sex most of the time with her clients, which was a real shock to me. many guys who like trannies are into weird stuff that I won't even get into.

I don't have a lot of time and I gotta get ready for work. But the biggest news right now is that she is going to get her full sex reassignment surgery. I just dropped her off at the hospital, and the surgery will take place in about an hour. it's a real disappointment for me because you know... I prefer pre-op trannies, and it hurts me whenever they do this sort of thing. but she wants to be best friends with me because we are so much alike, and thinks it's better that way. I tried real hard to change her mind, but it's her body and she is real set on doing this. I told her that I will always love her, and not sure if she feels the same way about me. But I don't care. I don't wanna pressure her or make her love me the same way. it is what it is.

I just realize that this is where I belong, the trans community. I went out with her to a bar last week to see her 'work'. it was an interesting experience, and she knows all the trannies at the bar. I learned a whole lot being around her about the people in the community, and what is really going on opposed to me always going out alone.

the irony about today is, it's my last day of work with the current company. and so is her last day of being a pre-op transsexual. in a few hours she'll be a woman with a pussy. I won't have a laptop anymore, and she won't have a dick. bummer. no homo and all. yes tranny.

I just had the Biggest Shock of my Life

so after making my last blog entry about me being in Love with the Colombian Tranny, I kept thinking about her. and I kept thinking about why does everyone always leave me? WHY DOES EVERYONE ALWAYS LEAVE ME!?!?!?! I am 35 years old, just lost my virginity with this girl, and yes she is a girl in my eyes, and I have no friends. This was always the biggest question in my life, why does everyone always leave me?

so, out of desperation, I started googling. Then I came across this one yahoo answers post of a girl describing the exact same life scenario, but from a girl's perspective. Here it is, "Why do people always leave me?" Now, I am not a girl, but I am a human. so, for this girl the situation was almost identical. the only difference, is that guys would come and talk to her, but when it was time to get into a relationship, they leave her. she said that she is someone whose love for another person either stays the same or grows, but for people that come into her life it seems too easy to just walk right out. And this is exactly my case! at first, someone could take a liking towards me. but after a while, they get bored, tired, or just annoyed by my presence and act distant. like this tranny who is acting very distant as of right now. at first, she was excited, and we made out in my car after sex. she'd text me and would want to text me every day. now, I haven't heard from her since last Friday, the convo I initiated. don't know exactly what I did wrong but this is the pattern EVERY TIME.

so, after reading the "Best Answer" for this girl's question, I got the biggest shock of my life. It hit me so hard, I couldn't think, I couldn't move, I was frozen in time. THIS IS EXACTLY WHY PEOPLE LEAVE ME!!! I HAVE NO SELF-ESTEEM!

All day at work today, I was so distant, so aloof, I stopped checking my phone as much and stopped focusing on this girl who is very distant now. I mean, I still think about her, just not as much. I just received such a big shock of realization, that it's almost the equivalent to the shock of birth. It's as if someone just hit me with a brick. "No one will like being around you, if you don't like being around yourself." It was so shocking, yet so familiar. But all I did over the years, was suppress this common knowledge, thinking it will just pass some day.

Accepting myself has been the hardest thing I've ever had to overcome in life. And I still haven't overcome it. My pale skin, my skinny body, my weirdly shaped face when looking at myself in the mirror from the sides. I've never accepted myself fully. And in the past, I've actually hated myself. Now I'm more neutral with self, and sometimes I like myself. But other times, I'm disgusted with myself and reject myself. This is why people always leave me.

I'm gonna tell you my story of how I become the guy I am today, and why I have such a low self-esteem. Growing up, I never remember my father being in the house. I don't remember living with him. I was 4 when my mom and me were living with my dad and his mother. One day as we were coming home, his mother was home alone. My mom knocked on the door, and my grandma peeped in the peep hole, and did not open the door. So, me and my mom went back to my mother's mom's apartment, which was right across the street. I don't remember any of this, but this is what my mom told me and this is how the divorce happened because my dad took his mother's side. After the divorce, my dad wasn't around anymore. I have never met neither of my male grandparents. My mom's dad died at around 46, 10 years before my birth. And my dad's side grandpa a week after I was born. Now, my grandpa from my dad' side, he was a gangster. He was the leader of a gang. He moved to my country to get away from that life after all of his gang got killed by the cops, but he escaped somehow. If this guy raised me, he would have taught me how to be a man. You best believe it! But, somehow, someway, we never met in this life. So, I ended up being raised by my dad who was raised by his controlling, and manipulative mother. I have never had any sort of male role models whom I learned from what it's like to be a man. And that was really hard on me, and played a big role into how I shaped into who I am today.

I remember when I was going to 1st grade, 2nd, 3rd, we would have fights after school. And if a boy challenged me, I said yes. Because I was always brave, but the very first time I got hit and got a black eye, it really shocked me. I didn't understand. What was it? It hurt, and now I have this weird feeling inside of my chest. Fear? What is that? What do I do with it? How do I control it? How do I make it go away? All these thoughts running through my mind, and not one answer. Not one soul to talk to. And I didn't know how to talk to boys about it, especially the ones who tried to manipulate me to fight other boys for their entertainment. So, I went on and on fighting boys after school being afraid. I was scared every time, every fight. After the fight was over, the fear went away, and I felt at ease. I hated it so much, fear, and fighting. Because when I fought, I had fear. And when I had fear, I usually fought, or had street confrontations, which I hated with passion. The confrontations happened every now and then because I grew up in a Muslim country, and many muslims hated whites. So, they taught their boys to hate white people, and their boys would try to fight us and chase us whenever we'd be walking home from school. The thing is, I didn't have that many fights total. But whatever I did have, it was torture for me.

So, one day when I was a little older, I'd say about 11 years, I got set up with the most popular boy in my class. Let's call him Tyler. He was a very good looking kid, charismatic, and he could fight. I heard he took boxing, but I didn't think much of it. I didn't take any fighting lessons myself. So, when we finally fought after school. He whooped my ass so bad, parts of my soul got sucked into my asscrack, and never returned. After that day, I was fucked up. Everyone at school knew. It was so embarrassing, and shameful for me to show my face. Some guys even came up to me next day, "hey so you got your ass beat by Tyler?" I was like yeah... wtf else was I supposed to say?

Then me and Tyler took cycling lessons, along with many other boys from my school. So then, Tyler who kicked my ass earlier wanted me to fight another boy. And this was a turning point in my life. I already fought this other boy, and it was a tie. So, I didn't want to fight him again, and as always I was scared. When Tyler asked me to fight this other boy again. I did something I've never done before...... I said no. From that day on, my life changed drastically. Boys stopped respecting me, and I started to run away from fear. I didn't know what I was doing, either way. I wasn't facing the fear, and I wasn't running from it. I just sort of went with the flow. But me being a clueless boy without any males in my life, I thought I could run away and the fear would be simply gone. Boy was I wrong. Once I started running, fear would chase my ass all the way to America.

About a year later, there was good news in my family. We were given a VISA to come to America, along with affidavit. I thought that 'this is it! this is my chance to escape! I will come to America, and make lots of friends. my life will be amazing like in those hollywood movies!!' Again, I was so wrong that it wasn't even funny.

When we came here and I went straight to high school, same things started to happen. I met these boys who spoke Russian, and there were a lot of Russian speakers, who first tried to act like they were my friends. This was especially with this one particular boy. I'll call him Brandon. Brandon started to mess with me by asking me to fight some Vietnamese boy. Again, fear kicked in and I started to be afraid every time I'd go to school. Every time I'd be in Brandon's presence, I'd be afraid that he'd set me up with that Vietnamese boy and I'd have a fight, in which I would be scared. My fear started to grow bigger and bigger. It grew so big, that I completely avoided all fights, and was afraid every minute I spent in the same class as Brandon. This happened for about 2 years, and at some point Brandon got kicked out of school because he was in a gang fight or something. He was also the guy who bullied my friend who had some mental disorder RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR TEACHER. Brandon was nearly kicking my friend's ass in the back, and the teacher avoided looking up on what was happening, as it was very noisy. It was horrible. I felt really bad seeing this guy bullying my friend like that, but there was nothing I could really do.

So, as Brandon left school, I was relaxed. I actually enjoyed coming to school. I was stress free. I was, however, roaming the hallways by myself while classes were in session and spent time alone a lot. I distanced myself from the Russians speaking kids because I thought they were all fucked up. I wanted to be left alone. Then one day, I saw this one black nerd I knew who was into video games. He told me "hey man, the lab is open today!" It was Friday, on which the lab where we'd go to to play video games was closed. But this dude told me 'just go there, man. it's open!' So, my clueless ass drags my ass to the second floor waiting for the class to be "open". As I'm waiting, I see 5 guys show up at the stair way, walking towards me. Four black guys, 1 white guy. I'm like... what the fuck ever. I'm just waiting for the lab to be opened, so I could play my games. The guys surround me on each side. And before I know it.... BOOM, BAM, BOOM!!! I got punches coming at my head from all sides and I'm on the ground trying desperately to avoid being hit in the head. I went home that day all bruised up, and fucked up mentally. My ears were bleeding from the back. I didn't tell my mom or anyone; just my friend from Moscow I had at the time. He told me it's called Freshman Fridays, when guys in groups look for freshmen to beat up. Ironically, I was a Junior. But I was skinny, short, and pale at the time, so I mos def looked like a Freshman. It took me about a week to recover fully mentally. And then I was back to normal.

Fast forward to when I went to college, I had another confrontation, with 3 guys this time. I won't go into details, but back then I still didn't take any sort of fighting classes, so I couldn't really fight. It was again, 2 black guys, and 1 latino. They took my walkman, my fast pass, and they wanted to take my shoes off. Right there, I said HELL NO!!! I managed to run away from them, but my heart was racing so fast and I couldn't calm down getting to my class. Then, I could not sleep all night that night. And after that sleepless night, my life was never the same. I JUST COULDN'T CALM DOWN! I WAS SCARED AND MY HEART KEPT RACING AND RACING AND RACING. I didn't understand what was happening to me. I was seeing a shrink at the time from high school that my mom made me see, because one day I told her I wanna die and shit. So, I asked my shrink about it. And she told me "oh, you have what it's called PTSD-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder". That's when I learned about my 'condition'. Looking back, this PTSD comes from that very first day I started running away from my fear. That same day made my fear grow bigger, and stronger, until it just got out of control.

Fast forward to today, I have a really hard time accepting myself. Listening to hip hop back in high school and college only made it worse. The hip hop I listened to was a lot of 2pac, Dr. Dre, Spice 1, Too $hort, etc.. which was all cool. But then all these other new hip hop groups came into the picture like Dip Set, and I was exposed to so much racism through sohh forums, it wasn't very healthy for me. It was toxic, and poison. Many posters kept calling me cracker, honkey, and just making fun of my pale skin. It really made me hate myself even further. I sort of saw myself through these racists' minds, and it wasn't a very good thing to experience. I mean, I already had bad experience with black guys, but now I actually got to see what they have to say about me first hand on sohh.

And today, it's very hard for me to let lose and enjoy myself when I go out. When a song comes on I really like, it's hard to bob my head to it. I feel weird, odd, and like I am not comfortable in my own skin. I don't know how to change that, but after that shock I experienced today, I almost FORCE myself to walk up right with shoulders back. I've been doing martial arts for years now. What the hell am I so afraid of? But PTSD isn't rational. It comes and goes at different intervals, and sometimes I get these panic attacks that get the best of me.

Either way, this is something I HAVE to get over and work on. Not for the tranny, but for myself. I am still in shock at how deeply this realization effected me yesterday and today. I am just glad the moment came, where I got the answer to the question I've been asking for so long, staring me right in the face. I just pray, and ask for help so that I could move forward and on with my life. Without fully accepting and loving myself, NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME! That's the biggest shock I've experienced in the last 24 hours. Until I fully LOVE my pale skin, LOVE my skinny body, and LOVE who I am inside and out, no girl will ever want to be with me or around me.

Am I in Love?

so lately, I've been feeling really shitty. I feel as if someone close to me left me. Did they, or is it all in my mind?

I want to talk about something first, before I get into the topic I want to discuss. I have a history of people leaving me. Friends, a girlfriend, I guess you could call her that, and more people I meet along the way. You see, I am shy, introverted, sensitive guy. No matter how much I faced my fears in the past, I always hit a brick wall at one point or another. But to make a long story short, people leave me for various of reasons. One of them is that I am boring. I don't go out, I don't party, I don't drink, I don't even smoke weed anymore, I don't chase women, I don't hang out since I have no friends to hang out with. No one really knows who I am, and no one invites me to any events. I've made a friend or two in the past that would invite me. I'd come, but they'd get bored or tired of me, and just be distant. In the end, I have a history of people leaving me. And it really hurts me deeply.

One of the reasons why they leave me is that I grew up sheltered, and never developed social skills the way many other kids do. I have no siblings, and wasn't even raised around my cousins. All I was around is my socially retarded dad who divorced my mom when I was 4. And my mom, and her family, who aren't that great socially themselves. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and when it was time to go out into the real world, I simply mirrored what I learned at home.

In the past, I used to push people away without realizing it. They'd get pissed, and leave me. I had a friend before who saw it, and called me out on it, and he refused to leave me. He was gay of course (bi, but he liked men more than women imo). I say this because if he was straight, he would be nowhere near me once I said something rude or disrespectful. But he knew what I was doing, and it taught me a great deal about myself, and about gay people as well (no homo). Thanks to him, I learned from my mistakes and grew as a person. Now, today I have a problem with marijuana. When I smoke, I get real chatty and start talking a lot. Weed makes me wanna connect with people. But I get paranoid or excited, and I start saying anything, along with stupid shit.

So, why am I in love? Well, it's about that escort again. Since the time she cancelled our plans to spend another night in a hotel, she's been distant from me and I am going crazy. Every minute I don't get a text from her is like an hour. And every hour, is like a day. And every day, is like a week. I feel like I am being tortured from all sides. The other day at work, I felt like I completely left my body. I don't know where the fuck I went. But it was as if I completely blocked out! I was spaced out, and for a moment wasn't present. It really scared me. I felt like I came very close to going insane. Thank god I didn't.

Anyway, I say all this because last time I actually talked to her was when we talked 3 days before the Friday we were supposed to hang out. I was high on those 5 hits of her blunt she left me. I don't know if I texted her afterwards something stupid, or if I said something stupid. Or maybe nothing I said weirded her out at all. But that's all I've been thinking of. Where did I go wrong? Did I go wrong? Is it because I am 35 and live at home? Did she talk to her friend and she told her to let me be? All these thoughts running through my mind, and I don't know what to think.

I just never thought I'd meet someone like her. She is a sweat heart, non-judgmental, open minded, beautiful, stylish, understanding, curious, and of all of these things... she is a loner like me. She doesn't party, if she does she just goes to visit her friends there to say hi and bounce, she doesn't go out that much, and she seems like she's willing to give me a chance, despite knowing I am sexually inexperienced. But in the end, why is she so distant? Is it because she just had a surgery done? Is it over between us? I don't know. But the only thing to do right now is to give her space. I just wish I had a friend to call and ask him on this issue, but I don't even have that option. So, I always end up figuring these things out on my own. What a life, huh?

I have never been in love before, but I was just thinking about it. Is this it? Is it when you can't stop thinking about someone and their qualities, and how amazing they are? She is such a good girl, I wanna be there for her. I wanna lay next to her, hold her, kiss her. I need physical touch and affection so bad, it's pathetic! But I may have done what I've done in the past, push her away somehow, either verbally or through the circumstances of my situation. I don't really know at this point, but would like to talk to her to find out. But she didn't let me when I wanted to connect after the surgery. She texted me "No. later." I understand, but inside I'm an emotional turmoil.

This is why I hate texting. Every text from her is like being tortured. I get a text and I'm ecstatic. Then there is this long....... slow..... wait........... it could be 10 seconds or it could be 1 hour. It's fucking torture for me. Every time, I don't know if the next text will never come. The best time I have right now, is when I fall asleep. Then when I wake up, the torture starts again. I start thinking about her. "Is it over? Is she ignoring me?" and on and on. All these thoughts and questions running through my mind. And I can't escape it. Last time I got a text from her was roughly 30 hours ago. It feels like it's been much, much longer than that.

My plan for now is just to wait it out until she contacts me. And hopefully, we can connect somehow. I really want to spend time with her when she gets back. But my biggest fear is that she, like all the other people in my past, left me already in her mind, and in her heart. That would really hurt me. More than anything has hurt me in a long time. It's not very often I make a friend like this, or make a friend at all. And that's another thing, is it me being sexually inexperienced the reason for this? Don't know... I guess time will tell.

Where do I go from here?

so about a week ago I took the last 4 to 5 hits from the joint that the tranny I was with left me. I texted her a few times, considering I get really social after I smoke. she ended up calling me and we talked for a while. This was on Tuesday, I think. And she said that she was going to So Cal to get her breast surgery done. I thought okay, that's cool. Then she said that she re-scheduled her sex reassignment surgery, and I was the first person she told this to. I guess I felt honored, but surprised since she was so sure on doing it. Maybe I talked her out of it, at least for now?

Now here comes the kicker. We made plans for this Friday night that just passed. And at around 6pm on Friday, I get a text from her "something just happened. I can't meet you tonight. sorry." At first I was like 'oh no, did her mother die?' Me being the gullible guy that I am. Then I started thinking and realized that one of her clients probably booked a session with her. I had to call and cancel the hotel reservation I made the night before.

Here is the thing, she has a regular job, but I don't know exactly how stable and how profitable it is. outside of that job, she also escorts. And in the end, where does that place me? She said she is looking for 'friends... with benefits'. You know, I don't really mind that, except that we never meet because every time I make plans with her, she flakes like this Friday, or just goes silent when I ask her when are you free? She even mentioned that 'if love comes, that's okay too' the very first time we spoke on the phone. So hold up... you escort and get paid big bucks to fuck strange clients, and you want me for love? I don't feel very comfortable, or even good about doing things with you, let alone giving you love.

Now here is another kicker. She is already in LA; left today. And I thought to myself, "is she going to be 'working' there too?" So, I check craiglist in LA area... after about 15 minutes, I say to self... "ahhh I'm tired of browsing ads, I'm done." But I left like 3 ads open. and ironically, she was in one of those ads!!! lmaoooo you know, this isn't even funny but I can't help but laugh. is she looking for fun? is she looking for money? does it even matter at this point? I just feel so alone, that seeing her being with all these men makes me want to be more distant than I was from her. I understand she needs money, but how long will she be doing this? She was telling me that once she gets her pussy, it wouldn't be as exhausting because "I'll just lay there, and take the fucking." Okay, so... are you planning on escorting for the rest of your life? When is this gonna end? Surgery>escroting>surgery>escroting>surgery>escroting>surgery>escroting. That's what it looks like it to me. After you do a surgery, you gotta get your money back by hooking. and after you get your money back at some point, you gotta get your money's worth. And then you get addicted, and then it just becomes your life. and then you want me to lick your ass??? HEEEEELLLL NO! I gotta say... I took the biggest risk of my life rimming this girl, when she escorts. And now the more I learn about her, the more I don't want to see her and do sexual favors for her.

Now she said that after the surgery, she won't be seeing anyone for a while. So, I guess she'll want to use me for emotional support right? Someone who'll be there for her, and comfort her. This is really fucked up, and makes me really sad. I wanna cry seeing this shit. Beautiful women who go out and get their brains fucked by alpha, good looking males with huge dicks, and when it's time to get all cuddly, and have someone hold them, I'm supposed to appear like I didn't just see the first part? The worst part about this whole thing is, I am completely alone. I have no friends, and never had a girlfriend. Meeting this girl... for free... was like a miracle. I have not a single clue how it happened. She actually told me that I got her attention because I knew her name, as we've met before. If I didn't, she wouldn't have replied to my e-mail. I guess it shows me that anything is possible. But I really want to go out this Thursday to a strip bar, because I am tired of being alone thinking about this girl, when she is too busy getting fucked by strange men.

It will be really interesting to see her reaction if she ever sees me out. Will she get mad? She has no fucking right to get mad. She is constantly out trying to make money. And how do I know she is not out just to get fucked because she's horny? She texted me multiple times that she's horny, but I told her I stay at home so it's not like she can just come here and get fucked. And her mother is visiting her right now, so I can't exactly go and fuck her at her place. And technically, we only fucked once that firs time. She knows I'm inexperienced because I told her. Is that another reason she could be looking for sex with guys?

Yeah, it's all bad. But now I realized that I must do whatever it takes to get my own life together. Fuck this girl. I don't take her seriously anymore. Even after she comes calling me after her surgery. I'm gonna bring all this stuff up to her, because I think it's fucked up to use good guys like me in this way. This is why I got into Pick Up, but it's filled with pieces of shits like RSD, and all the retards who worship them. I can't be around that fuckery now, even though I wanna get back into the game soon to get my power back that I feel like I lost almost completely. But first thing, I need to get my own place. Once that happens, look for better employment, or better yet study for another IT certificate that can get me more money. I don't know exactly, but I need to start planning out my life, than having this one-itis crush with an escort.

Some days I just wish that people, especially this tranny, would know how lonely I am, and how disconnected I feel from the whole humanity. Tears are rolling down my eyes after typing this. I feel so cold, and alone, the words can't even express how empty this feeling is inside my soul. I literally have no one, but my mom and a few other people who are never around. And when they're gone, who will be there for me? I complain about having a hard time getting along with my mom, but when she's gone, how will I feel then? I thought about that a week ago. I don't know how to make friends. How do you invite people into your life, when you don't have one? "Hey, come and hang out with me in my room, where I stay most of my free time?" or "let's hang out at the beach, where I go to once a month all by myself"?

Life is hard. That's all I really gotta say right now. I just pray it will get better for me one day. Hopefully soon... Blogging this feels so good. I feel like I just had a therapy session. I need to cry more often, and let all my pain out. Tired of keeping it all inside from years of misery and loneliness.

Alien movies aren't too far from the Truth

I am talking about Alien movies directed by Ridley Scott, starting Tom Skerritt, and Sigourney Weaver.

I am reading this National Geographic issue of November 2014 titled "Real Zombies: The Strange Science of the Living Dead". It's also called "Meet Nature's Nightmare: MINDSUCKERS." It's talking about some of the parasites that exist on this planet that use their hosts. And when they are done with everything they needed, they take over the host's brain and make it commit suicide. Of course it's different in every case. But this is what happens to a house cricket when it scavenges dead insects. The horsehair worm invades its body. The larvae of the parasite gets inside the cricket, and then grows inside its body. When the worm is fully grown, it takes over the brain of the cricket, and makes it jump in the nearest lake or body of water. The cricket dies, and the worm emerges.

But it doesn't end there. There is this wasp called Dinocampus coccinellae, that uses a ladybug to carry its eggs. It finds a ladybug, stings it into its underside, inserting eggs along with chemicals. When the larva hatches, it feeds on the ladybug's insides. So the ladybug goes on about eating other insects, while larvae feeds on their remains inside the stomach. When a few weeks goes by, the larvae is large enough to leave its host. It exits out through a chink of the ladybug's exoskeleton.

But it gets even worse. From now on, the ladybug is a slave. It's free of the wasp's larva parasite, but its mind is controlled. So all it does is protects the silk cocoon beneath it from any predators that dare go near it. At the end of this hideous ordeal, most ladybugs die.

There is many other cases, but one other one is about this parasite called Toxoplasma gondii, which effects mice and rats. It can create thousands of cysts in the brain of its host. But in order for it to reproduce, it needs a cat. So what does it do? It takes over the brain of a rat or a mice, and the rat completely loses its fear of cats. Instead of being scared, it becomes curious of the scent of a cat's urine. So it goes towards the scent and BAM, gets eaten. Then Toxoplasma reproduces in the cat's excrement. The parasite doesn't reach cat's brain, but hey now it multiplied, and on to the next cycle. Here is one video I found on NG website.


There is lots more about frogs that commit suicide by going towards herons, ants, spiders, and caterpillars. It just kind of reminded of Alien movies. If you think that sort of stuff is a work of science fiction, think again. It's happening right here on this planet. And if it's happening on Earth, which is like a tiny grain of sand compared to how humungus the Universe really is, what makes you think it isn't happening somewhere else? After all, "out there" is really "here." To the beings that live on the other side of the cosmos, we are "out there." But to us, it's the complete opposite.

I don't know if the guy who wrote Alien movies is a complete genius, or maybe he just studied a lot of animal life on our planet. Either way, this is some scary shit that's fascinating at the same time.

Up All Night in a Hotel Room

So I just woke a few hours ago, at around 4pm. Me and my new Tranny friend decided to get away in a hotel for the night.

The first plan was to get away for the whole weekend to Half Moon Bay. She never been there, and said she was open. But then when she never got back to me by Thursday, I started to feel like she is too busy doing her escort job than wanting to hang out. I started thinking about all of my past experiences, and that she is probably like everyone else. Then I thought it’s over between us, as people tend to leave me over time. So, I didn’t text her until I heard from her on Friday. She said she’s free that night, but the next day she was going to be busy.

I wanted to get together with her and tell her that this isn’t working out, and that I don’t feel safe doing stuff like rimming her when she escorts for a living. But when we met up, her vibe was just amazing! I completely forgot that she is such a good person.

I decided to get us a local hotel room near the beach.

Hanging out with her was possibly one of the greatest nights of my life. At first, we were like ‘okay, we’ll stay up till 2, or 3’. Then before we knew it, we’re up till 5 am. Just laying there holding each other, watching videos, movies, etc.. talking about all sorts of things most people would find weird, and outrageous.

We talked about names and how both of us changed ours, and how much of your personality could change due to you changing your name. I am actually looking to change mine again after having this conversation. I told her about my Egyptian Goddess, and she told me about her Aztec God. Spirit Animals, ayahuasca, etc.. just a lot of unconventional stuff.

I realized how challenging her life is. She has to pay rent, health insurance, and also work her regular job outside of doing her escort services. She is not like a street hooker at all, takes great care of herself, eats healthy, and even meditates. I kinda regretted taking a few hits from her joint after getting nervous. I realize more and more that weed is just not for me, or at least I need to learn how to be calm when I smoke it.

The whole night was just amazing. I realized that I made a real friend this time. She is a loner, like me, and is very open. I mean, I meet some open-minded people. But she is just unlike anyone I’ve ever met, and has a completely non-judgmental personality about life, sex, etc.. It’s rare I meet someone like her. She wants to do a full surgery and get a pussy. I said that everything about her is beautiful, and she shouldn’t change a thing. It’s amazing how some people just have body features that aren’t of their gender. Her ass has this natural, feminine, and curvy shape. Even she has ass implants, she told me that she has always had the curves. It’s just unbelievable. If you’d see her walking around half naked, you’d think she’s a girl. I was surprised to hear that when she was a stripper in Tijuana, she was making a $1,000 per night with men thinking she's a real woman.

Everything about that night was showing me good signs, including numerology. We’re walking past hotel rooms, and see room 222, going to a gas station to get some water; the gas price says 3.33. Looking at her phone clock and it shows 4:44. Then we walking back to our hotel room, and see triple numbers AGAIN. She says to me, “something is happening right now”… This wasn’t like any other night. We want to get together again soon. Not sure when that will be, but hopefully soon.

I just had sex

This happened on Sunday, November 2, 2014. So technically, I am not a virgin anymore. But I feel like I still am. Nothing magical happened. Nothing spectacular. I didn’t transform into some experienced guy who is now mature, and is good with women. I’m still the same old nervous, shy, and sensitive guy that I was before sex. But am I still really a virgin?

Okay, so if you remember my I like Trannies blog, the story doesn’t end there. But it continues with this post. I saw this same girl on cl (recognized her body as there was no face pic), and e-mailed her saying what’s up. She was wondering who knows her by name and we connected. After sending her a few pics, she remembered me. We decided to hook up, and went to a place with hot tubs. It’s sort of like a hotel room, but with a little bed and a hot tub. My first time there, but I remember seeing them from porn.

So I get real nervous meeting her for some reason. I’m not sure if maybe we have no connection, or there is such a huge cultural barrier between us, that it’s hard to find a common language. Maybe we just don’t vibe? I don’t know. But the whole time I was nervous, and this isn’t like me usually. I used to be this way before, but nowadays I am more relaxed around people. Was it because she was a woman? Well, technically a Tranny, but a woman in my eyes.

We get to a hot tub, I pay for our private room. And we undress, touching each other. We talk a little bit, and then get in the tub. It was so hot at first, but took me awhile to get used to it. I took a hit from her blunt, so that got me sort of acting weird, and nervous. I freaked her out a little bit when she was touching my cock and I pulled away. Like I was afraid of her having STDs, etc.. Then She says ‘you wanna fuck me?’ I say yeah. I put on a condom, get some lubricant, and she guides my cock into her ass. 3 Strokes and I pulled out because I felt like I was about to cum. That KILLED THE WHOLE VIBE! This girl is fucking BEAUTIFUL, and I’m guessing she isn’t used to guys pulling out so quickly. She sort of got weirded out, asking me why I’m so weird. After talking for a few minutes, she felt bad, and we just got back into it. I was really cautious, and I told her that it’s my problem. I am overly cautious, and she technically is an escort. But she is upscale. Has her website, doesn’t post on cl for her services (outside of hooking up I guess). Her clients are very well off, and not bums off the street. She told me she doesn’t do it that often, and only once a month. I killed the vibe again because I was reluctant to lick her ass. Then she says “how do I know you’re clean?” And even though I told her I NEVER had unprotected sex, she still was technically right, and told me she never had either. How do we both know we’re clean?

So I said fuck it. I am taking a business class right now. And it talks about how if you want to become an entrepreneur at some point in your life, you gotta take risks. There is no way around that. I started jerking her off, playing with her breasts, and the whole time we making out in between talking, and playing around. I told her to get out of the tub and sit on the edge. She was SO FUCKING SEXY! Cinnamon complexion that gets darker around her ass and privates, super clean, smells good, good girl, very cautious around the type of people she is friends with. I think to myself “this isn’t a girl who’d be dirty”. So, I just went with my feeling.

I start licking her ass, and her balls. Then eventually make my way to her asshole and OMFGGGGGGG…. THIS WAS THE BEST PART OF THE SEX! I didn’t even cum because my boner lost Its power when I killed the mood by pulling out. when she started calling me weird, I just couldn’t be that horny anymore. But licking her brown, clean, fresh, soft, tender, juicy ass was the ultimate fantasy I’ve had with Trannies. THIS WAS AMAZING!!!!!!!!! She came in like 3 minutes cuz she said she was really horny. She liked me fingering her ass while I rim it, but that was kinda hard. My tongue was also sore cuz HOT DAYMN IT’S HARD WORK AND WORKS YOUR TONGUE MUSCLES! I thought it was easy from watching it in pornos.

I don’t know, but there is a lot more details I’m leaving out because there is just too much to include. She is looking for a guy to be fwb with, and I’m so open to that. But I just don’t know if we have any connection. It was amazing just holding her and kissing her. My first technical “girlfriend” experience I’ve had with any girl.

The thing that made me think I’m still a virgin, was how short it was. She even let me fuck her hard afterwards but stopped me 30 secs in; said I was hurting her. I don’t know but seems like Trannies are sensitive. But I fucking love them. I don’t think I’d have the same attraction towards women. Too much bad experience, and I feel like there is a block in my mind, or In between me and the female species. Ehhh… who cares. This whole experience was just amazing. Better than the last 2, but so far I’ve yet to enjoy sex by cumming. It’s not the same. It’s not like holding your dick in your hand and squeezing it at the time of the orgasm. When you cum in a girl’s mouth, or her ass-pussy in this case (no homo of course, yes Tranny), it feels weird… It’s like I have no control over how good I feel at the time of the nut.

We’ll see what happens with this girl. But I’m gonna ask her if she wanna get a hotel room next week and spend the entire weekend fooling around together. I really like her. She is honest, even about her being materialistic. But that’s what I like, honesty. And I told her that I’m the same.

Hopefully, there is a part 3 coming soon to this chapter. Stay tuned…


p.s. I kinda feel special, because I taught her what French kiss means. She is taking ESL classes, and so was I when I came to US. Also, she asked me for some help with learning about indigenous cultures, and I was like are you fucking serious? That’s all I fucking know, and study on my own time. Shamanism is the TRUTH that lives in the heart of the Amazon. So, technically I taught her 2 things. The second about ayahuasca, and she already said she wants to drink it. I think we can learn a lot from each other. So, I’m hoping for the best. But you never know. Shit falls apart when you least suspect it to. I digress.

Zug Zug Origin

so, I'm watching this movie "Caveman" with Ringo Starr. and they have this scene where 2 different caveman tribes meet for the first time (around at 40 mins in). one speaks English, and the other tribe speaks cave language. 2 men from the caveman language tribe are holding hands. later on the leader from the same tribe goes "Lunda"; I think it was a name of a woman he liked? not sure. and the english speaking guy goes "love" while the caveman leader stares at him with a happy face. the other dude goes "alright... zug zug". this is funny because I first heard the word zug zug in original warcraft games. I don't remember if it was in Warcraft 2: Tides of Darkness, or Warcraft 1: Orcs and Humans.

[Edit: found a video clip of this scene]


So I google searched the "origin of zug zug" and came to battle.net World of Warcraft forums. one guy there said that the origin did point to the Caveman movie, but it was "sex". But the origin of zug zug is actually LOVE and not sex, haha! I remember playing Warcraft games and hearing Orc NPCs say "Zug Zug" every other time you clicked on them. Zug Zug eventually carried over to WoW, and that's where most people heard it from.

Caveman is entertaining and funny in its own way too. Worth checking out. Half way through it right now. Things aren't too different nowadays. Alpha man running the show, while all the betas sitting on the sidelines scheming on the master plan how to get the girl and trick the alpha. I know it's all about being more social now, but just saying. These were out ancestors.

ZUG ZUG!

p.s. so after watching the movie a little further, apparently that guy is the only guy in the tribe that speaks English. I bet this movie is good to watch after smoking some weed...

Strange Dream about Stars

the first thing that happened in my dream last night, was that I saw a bunch of magic mushrooms. they were beige in color.

then what happened was even stranger. I saw a star in the dark sky. no other stars around it, but just one big bright white ball. now when I say a star, I don't mean a tiny star. I mean a huge star that's as big, or even bigger, than our sun. but seeing it at night was weird. then I saw another star looking in a different direction that was just as big and as close to earth. I saw a third one and got really scared. are we all gonna die? are these stars gonna generate storms, tsunamis and chaos on our planet? I was so scared, I looked way. and then I saw a huge planet that was about 10x bigger than our sun. and when I looked close... it was another earth.

I kinda wonder what these dreams mean. I am reading a book on dreams, but I haven't picked it up in a while. I'm gonna start setting goals for myself to read little by little each day. seems like it is the only way I can go through books. otherwise, I end up wasting my life watching youtube videos, or doing absolutely nothing feeling sorry for myself.

My Latest Approach, pt. 2

so as I am leaving my class a few hours ago, I wait for the elevator. as I get in, guess who is there... it's my girl standing there in the corner. I eye her for a bit, only to realize there is a guy there standing next to her chatting her up. I'm like okay, cool... whatever. I feel like it wasn't a good time to approach.

I remember the second week after my initial approach I was really nervous. I was actually contemplating on waiting outside for her. at this point... I JUST DON'T GIVE A FUCK!!! a man of my caliber with as many issues as I have, and with no independence or life of my own, I don't feel like I could contribute a whole lot to a woman's life. so I'm like... what the fuck ever. seeing her talking to that tall guy brought me back to all the times I'd be browsing ads on craigslist. seeing so many women make posts like "I want a guy who is at least 6'1"..." and mind you, some of these bitches are 5'2".... 5'2"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW THE FUCK YOU WANT A GUY TO WHOM YOU COMPARE AS A MIDGET... YOU ARE 5'2"!!!!!!! MY GOD... SOMEONE NEEDS TO SLAP THE SHIT OUTTA YOU!!

internet dating is a fucking joke. but it makes me realize in how much of a high demand tall guys are for most women. is it their dick size? is that the whole fantasy women have in their minds when they see tall guys? arghhh... whatever. I don't care. if I see this chic alone next time, I'll say hi. if not, I DON'T CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mr. Nobody MOVIE REVIEW

So this movie was a little different than what I expected from watching the trailer...





I could relate to the trailer, as I am a 35 year old man who has NEVER lived his life. I sort just existed from birth. I exist like a leaf falling from a tree in no particular direction, letting the wind decide my fate. This was one of the biggest reasons why I've been meaning to watch this film. Even all of my friends I've had; they made friends with me, and not the other way around. It's hard making friends, and invite people into your life, when you don't have much of a life of your own. But I digress.

In the end, this movie is all about alternate realities, and choices that we make. Each choice decides our future. If we make one choice, our life turns out one way. And visa versa. I always wondered how my life would turn out if our family went to Philadelphia, which was a big chance when we were coming to America. Instead, we came to California.

This movie gets you thinking, and could get confusing at times because it deals with time, future, present, past, as well as going backwards.

I enjoyed Mr Nobody. A solid 4/5 stars.

a Woman Telepathically Communicating with a Leopard

I have no idea how I found this, but this is amazing

Funniest Mascot I EVER seen!!

when the dramatic music starts playing and then he goes messing the security guards, I lost it.. This guy must've been high as fuck!

LG G Pad is the GREATEST Tablet on Earth!

So, I was going to officially review my purchase of LG G Pad 8.3. But honestly, it takes way too much energy for me to do such things. So, I will just state all the reasons why this tablet is the BEST purchase I have made in 2014 when it comes to electronics.

First off, this is my very first tablet. And I already feel like I can't live without one.

I got the white one, and it looks much nicer. My co-worker purchased this same tablet because of me and after he seen mine, he wanted white one as well.

Here is the thing. I have an iPhone. And getting Android for me was very different. I really HATE iTunes, and the way Apple makes everything complicated. But with Android, all you have to do is plug, drag & drop, and BAM! You're done. I can NEVER go back to Apple after this, EVER! I even got really lazy and stopped uploading music and other things on my iPhone, takes too fucking long and I just hate the process with retarded ass iTunes. I mean, my tablet even plays files that apple devices don't support, like FLAC music files, windows media player files and others that iTunes would have to convert before 'syncing' <-----another retarded ass bullshit with Apple.

The thing is, I played around with Samsung tablets before, and they were okay. Something about them I didn't like that much. But with LG G Pad, everything is almost perfect.

And all the FREE Games that are available in the App Store, I honestly don't even see the point of owning a console at this point. Unless you have lots of friends with consoles, which I don't, getting one at this point is useless if you have a tablet.

I even got a Lucid Dreamer App that I use. After I fill up my O.B.E. journal, I'll just use my G Pad to record my Dreams and OBEs. I have 3 physical Dream Journals total. But why waste resources when I can just use an App for everything? LOVE IT!!!!!!!

There is lots of great features that I won't get into, but most of all, I LOVE THE HD SCREEN!!!!!! Every single person that have seen my tablet has said the following words to me, "nice screen!" I even had an Apple fan say that. The screen is essential if you're a reader, as I am. I can read a book for long periods of time without getting eye strain.

With reading books on Kindle, I honestly can't even go back to reading physical books. I can just find what I'm looking for with the find feature. With a physical book, I could spend 30 minutes to an hour looking at a passage, which happened to me before.

The only thing I don't like, is the time it takes to charge the battery-4 to 5 hours. The battery itself is good, though-lasts 7 hours or so. And also the camera, which is 5.0 megapixels. It's really handy when taking class notes. I just snap pics of the entire lecture on the black board. Fucking LOVE IT!!! That's why it would be nicer if the camera was a little better; at least 7 megapixels. But oh well, I won't really need to use it 98% of the time, since I use my laptop to take notes now.

All I gotta say is, Android 4 LIFE!!! I heard that retarded ass iPhone 6 just got the "new" feature swype, which was available for Androids for a while. Why is Apple always years behind, and when they finally release old shit, all their fanboys go "ahhhhh" and "ooooooo"?? IT'S OLD SHIT!!! WELCOME TO 3 YEARS AGO!!! fucking idiots.

But I digress. LG G Pad, I LOVE YOU! I'd give this baby 4.5/5 stars.

I had Oral Sex with a Tranny, Pt. 2

So I just got home about 40 minutes ago, and this was my second sexual experience in my life.

You can read about Part 1 here.

found another Tranny on craigslist, but it was tricky. You see, I wouldn't even have this expereince if I didn't start trolling. I got fucking tired of all the trannies asking for "hot guys" who are "hung" and "good looking" and basically they want everything in one package. these Trannies want the whole fantasy out of a porn movie. I understand they can't get off with guys even with medium sized dicks but HOT DAYMN!!! WTF!?!?!? what do I gotta do to get a tranny around here?

So, I found a good looking guy's pic on tumblr with a huge dick. No homo and all, but I gotta say that trolling craigslist has been THE FUNNEST EXPERIENCE I EVER HAD! I may make a post about it later. Anyway, I got this one Tranny's pics with this good looking guy. I sent her my real pics but did not get a reply. Then the next day I sent her another message with an extra pic of mine. She sent a few pics back, and it was on from there.

The thing is, she was responsive until earlier today. I got a second response at around 10am, and that was that. She told me what time she gets home and to let her know when I wanna come by. So, I sent her one e-mail. Nothing for 3 hours. I followed up and asked if she's still interested, and still nothing. I am thinking, "okay, she most likely flaked" as I had most of my experiences like this. I even had one Tranny sent me her pics, give me her #, get my #, and then act weird as shit in the past. So, I'm like whatever. I don't even prepare for this. At around 8pm, she e-mails me something like "hey, baby. I'm home now. tell me when you wanna come by." I was like WTF!?!?! So, I call her and talk, and she's walking home with a friend. So it took me longer to get ready, since I wasn't prepared.

1st bad sign right there. Then I go to the store to get some lube, thinking I may need it, and drive my ass to Oakland, where she lives. She never texts me back after I told her to get into something sexy. I am thinking, okay... bad sign #2. I was sort of confident but nervous, not like my first time where I thought the worst of the worst. Now, I am on my no fap no porn challenge again, and it's week 5 so I feel like I am going to explode browsing cl ads every day. As I get to her neighborhood, I park, call her as I am walking up to her building. She tells me her apt # but takes a few minutes buzzing me in.

As I get in, she is sort of aloof, and I'm thinking "nice". She got titties sticking out and a nice curvy ass. As she turns around she rolls eyes and I'm thinking, okay she got attitude. Now, as I get into her bedroom, she sits her ass on her bed and starts talking on the phone. I'm thinking WTF!?! bad sign #3. So, I take my jacket off as I stand there looking at her as she's speaking some other language with whomever on the other side. I'm like 'brb, bathroom'.

I piss and wash my hands, get out, and she is still talking on the phone. I sit down next to her trying to get her in the mood by touching her and asking her why she is being rude. She's like 'that's my moather and my sister' with an accent. I'm like can you talk to them later? She's like no cuz that's long distance. I say 'I'm your guest, you should talk to me.' So after going back and forth for like 5-10 mins she finally tells them off and hangs up. "You see what ju made me do, I hung up on my moather and my sister." She has so much attitude, I ask her about it. She also looks exhausted. I ask what I can do to make it better. "give me a masssage." So, I massage her really good but then she gets so relaxed she gets even lazier, not wanting to do nothing.

Anyway, the whole thing was weird because she wanted to fuck me after I got her hard. And I was like HEEEEEELLLLLLLL NO. I am a straight guy. The only one who will be doing the fucking around here is me. She gets irritated speaking her native language (she is from some tribe in Mexico). So, she's like "let me suck you. I put on a concom, but her teeth OMFGGGG. her teeth get in the way. It's like she's giving a blow job for the first time. I tell her that, she gets slightly better. I pull out every now and then and after 10 minutes or so she keeps going at it "I want make you cum. I wanna go to sleep." I'm like okay. I cum but instead of cumming in her mouth with a condom, I use my hand to hold my dick. Because I remember how disgusting I felt cumming in the last Tranny's mouth.

I felt so good afterwards, like I needed to release. 5 weeks of not masturbating and not watching porn. Now I am just gonna chill for a while. No craigslist, and no trying to get sex from anyone.

Sex is so different than jerking off, it's not even funny. It could feel like sex is the most disgusting thing in the world, because it feels so different. I always thought I'm some bad ass mother fucker and that I would fuck for hours because I jerk off for that long without nutting. But when I have my dick in a girl's mouth, it's like I can cum in 15 seconds. It's crazy, especially for me considering I am so behind in sexual experience among my pears, considering I am in my 30s, it's not even funny.

and come to think of, there was a bad sign #4-she didn't even shower! When I was giving her a message, I could feel tiny clumps of dead skin falling off her arms, back, etc.. and when I got to her feet, they were stinky. I did surprise her when I asked if she has silicon in her ass cheeks. My first time feeling silicon ass in my life! "Why didn't you showever before I came" > "I was talking to my mother"... ehhh... whatever.

But anyway, I surived, and tomorrow is another day. I feel more calm, though. Like I needed to get it out of my system. I'm just glad it was with another person and not with my hand. Sex is still not how I pictured it to be, but I am getting used to it. I wonder if I would enjoy it at all with a girl.

Until next time...

The Diary of Anne Frank MOVIE REVIEW

As I found out there are many version under this title. The one I watched if the 2009 version. Trailer is at the bottom.

Wow, I didn't expect this. This movie hit home for me. I want to talk about something. I want to talk about who you are; you as a person. What makes you you? Why are you the way you are? Where do you get your fears from? Your limitations? Your dreams, goals? What is freedom? Is it something that is physical that's confined in the physical world? Like not being in prison, does that equal to being totally free to you? I am asking this because when I started watching The Diary of Anne Frank, at first it was just another World War II movie for me. And the thing is, I am Jewish, and my ancestors were from Europe who went through War, and have escaped the Nazis.

So as I am watching this movie, there is this part that comes up where Anne and her family fled their home and end up in Amsterdam, I think. They end up in a hide out house of some friends. So in this one scene, Anne says the following words, "I feel so strange being so close the outside world". Something to that extent. The way I understood it, was that Anne is either feels shut off or so close to the outside world, yet she can't join it. She looks outside the windows and watches life passes her by, but she can't leave her building. Because if she does, she will be arrested, and eventually killed. Right there, it hit me; I AM LIVING THIS LIFE!!!!!!! I am the one who is home almost my entire life looking outside my window observing life passes it by. I am the one afraid to go outside because 'terrible things may happen'. I kind of always wondered where all these weird fears I have come from, considering I have PTSD.

Well, if there is anything I learned about myself and this 'you' I am speaking of, it comes down to several things. One of these 'yous' that is eternally part of you, is from your past lives. All of the lives you have lived are part of and will always be this 'you'. These other 'yous' that you've lived help you and make your next incarnation easier to navigate, as you gain more experience. The other part of 'you', is your ancestry. This means that all of the ancestors that have lived before you, are inside of you, whether you want to admit to it or not. All of the traumas, hurts, pains, dreams, fears, joys, etc.. are there inside of your DNA. I had a friend once who told me, "if you want to know about yourself, learn your own history." He was totally right.

And there is this other part where the single doctor joins the family in the hiding, and he says at some point "I can't just sit here all day." And that's exactly what I have been doing, sitting in my room nearly all day! I spent the entire weekend at home, considering it was hot as hell! I didn't even go to the beach! And it was the hottest day of the year. I have been living this way damn near all my life! And no one understands me. Shrinks just think I just 'need to get there'. Other shrinks I had thought I was all good once I started talking to girls, when in reality I was still hiding in my room. No one until this very day understands me, and why I am the way I am. They all think I am 'weird.'

The only thing I can say is that, if you want to know about who you are, learn about your history. Things will be very clear if you dig deep. And I am someone who always distanced myself from my heritage because I've been around Jews who were overly proud and annoying. I don't like labels, so I am not the type of person who'd talk about my heritage every 5 minutes. But some people can't shut up about their background. And half the time you're around them, they'll spend talking about how they are Italian, what's Italy like, how Italian women are like. My god... I can only take so much of that, regardless of your background. Knowing your history and your people is one thing, but being obsessed with it thinking it's the only thing in this universe is down right irritating.

I give this movie 3.5/5 stars. I enjoyed it, the movie even made me look up Anne's story, and I even learned something about myself. There could be better versions out there, though. I don't know. I haven't looked.

FUCK YAHOO MAIL AND ESPECIALLY FUCK OUTLOOK!!!!!!!!!

FUCK YAHOO MAIL! they basically now REQUIRE you to phone validate their shit when you register for a "FREE" email. I don't want to give out my phone. I already go through enough BULLSHIT agreeing to all the privacy of my location, my contacts, and all the other personal shit whenever I use my tablet. WTF I GOTTA GIVE YOU MY PHONE NUMBER FOR!?!?! especially if I'm gonna use this email to troll. FUCK YOU!!!!!!

but most importantly... FUCK MICROSOFT'S OUTLOOK EXCHANGE GARBAGE EMAIL!!!!!!!! I thought... FUCK YAHOO! I'll create my first Microsoft Exchange account. Never had one, may as well get one. I go through the fucking registration process. I get an account. Sign into it. Then I get it set up on my tablet. All this shit takes me over 10 minutes. And then what happens? When I try to send out an e-mail, it doesn't go through so then Microsoft logs me out of the fucking email saying "We're sorry, but someone may be using your account to send out spam emails. Please unlock it". I go through their bullshit unlock links, and where does that take me? TO THE FUCKING PHONE VERIFICATION PAGE!!!!! FUCK YOU MICROSOFT!!!!!!

But it doesn't end there. I go fuck off!!! and create a SECOND Outlook account thinking something went wrong. I go through the SAME BULLSHIT PROCESS. WASTE ANOTHER 10 MINUTES, AND THE FUCKING E-MAIL DOESN'T SEND AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know if its my android free email app that fucked up. but regardless FUCK YOU MICROSOFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND FUCK YAHOO EMAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!! PIECE OF SHIT. FUCK YOU BOTH FOR WASTING MY FUCKING TIME!!!!!!!

Titanfall new Trailer is CLASSIC!

The best trailer I have seen in a long ass time

These guys are NUTS!

I usually don't like most pranks, but I'm laughing so hard right now watching this

IAC 4 Week Workshop Review

This is a review of the IAC (International Academy of Consciousness) workshop I have taken. It lasted 4 weekends, which was taken place on Saturdays and Sundays.

I didn't really want to take this worship because I am one of those people that stays home most of the time, and has no life. It's hard for me to go out there, try things, and "live". But, coincidently, it happened through someone linking me with IAC people. So, I decided to take the workshop.

It started out being intriguing, but what I didn't like was that there was too much talking, and not enough practicing. The first weekend was just sitting there listening to the lecturer talk talk talk talk talk talk talk. It was hard to stay focused, considering I have ADD. And with all that talking, there was a lot of new jargon I did not understand. That was the first sign to me that I wasn't going to like this.

Here is the thing, there are universal terms in OBE/AP community that are used to describe Out-of-Body Experiences. Terms like Astral Body, Energy, Sleep Paralyses, Spirit Guides, etc.. In IAC, all of these terms are replaced by totally different, and may I say confusing, terms that basically mean the same thing. Astral Body means "Psychosoma", Energy means "Thosene", Sleep Paralyses means "Projective Catalepsy", Spirit Guides means "Helpers", etc.. This class really confused me, to say the least.

I remember the second, third, and fourth week we started doing exercises. One of the exercises was to lay down on mats, and practice projecting. But before doing so, we had to stand up straight, close our eyes, and do a bunch of pre-OBE exercises that were lead by the instructor. One of the main terms that really confused the heck out of me in this IAC workshop, was the term "vibrations". Here is the thing, I've had over 200 OBEs, and I can tell you from experience what "vibrations" are. The term "vibrations", is a pre-OBE state. Right before when you are about to project, your body goes into the vibrational stage. It feels almost as if your whole body is being shocked with electric current, except there is no pain. It is the same thing people experience in Sleep Paralyses, except they already wake up consciously without remembering the vibrations. This is because their body went through this stage when they were asleep, and when they wake up, they cannot move. This stage is there so that your body stays safely still in this world, while you explore the other world(s). In IAC, "vibrations" has two meanings. First, it is what I described, and second is when you feel tingly, and numbing of your body parts. If you ever laid down to practice leaving your body, you already know that after 15 or so minutes of laying still, you'll start feeling numbness in your body parts, or may even feel tingles. According to IAC, those are "vibrations", which are NOT in my book. But it is just that, numbness in your body parts, and tingly sensations. So, from there I was really confused when students were saying "I was laying down, and felt the vibrations". After a few minutes, it was obvious they were talking about the numbness, and NOT the vibrational stage.

As I was saying, we were standing up with eyes closed doing the exercise. Now the instructor would say something like "feel relaxed, and try to induce the 'vibrations'". The first thought in my mind was "HUH!?!" You cannot induce the "vibrations" by standing up. You must lay down! But I guess she was talking about the second meaning. Either way, every class these terms confused me more and more.

I remember thinking "what about protection? Don't they have any technique for that in IAC?", and boy do they. They have this thing called the VELO, which stands for Voluntary Energetic Longitudinal Oscillation (are you confused yet?) It's when you move energy up and down your body. Here is what it looks like. Fast forward to 2:48 to see what I'm talking about.





Here is what I don't like and don't agree with. What will VELO gonna do when an entity is going to grab you? Even Robert Monroe, that has his own unique terms, has the same exact protection shield that everyone seems to use in the Occult community. But instead of terms like "Shield", "Psychic Shield", etc., Monroe calls it "REBAL", which stands for Resonant Energy Balloon. In the end, it's the same thing as the shield. And Monroe talks about being attacked in one of his OBEs by some sort of animal in his first book. So, I trust this man with knowledge of how to protect yourself in the OBE state. And since Monroe's method of protection is exactly the same as what the universal method for protection is in the OBE community, it's as good as gold in my book. But what is VELO? In my opinion, you need that space inside the balloon/shield to protect you from what's out there. VELO does not provide this sort of protection. But I am sure it works for many IAC people. It just doesn't work for me.

Another reason why I was so bored in this class, was because a lot of the material covered I was already exposed to. There was nothing new here for me to learn. They talked about reincarnation, and it was so boring I almost fell asleep on several occasions. If you really want to save $500 on this IAC workshop, just read Journey of Souls, by Michael Newton. This book will teach you about the reincarnation process in the most simplistic terms, and you wouldn't have to learn all these confusing jargons which you wouldn't be able to use outside of the IAC community.

I was actually going to purchase Waldo Vieira's (CEO of IAC) first book, but after thinking about how bored and confused I was in the classes, I thank myself now that I didn't. You can actually check out the reviews of Luis Minero's (an IAC instructor) 'Demystifying OBEs' book on amazon, and the few 1 and 2 star reviews are saying the same thing I am saying here. All these jargons are confusing and redundant. I mean, I sort of I understand because they are all translated from Portuguese, but even then, it makes me feel like I part of a cult or something. Like no one would understand what I'm talking about except for the people in my group.

Another thing I did not like about IAC, was how against they were using additional tools to project. Tools like stones, binaural beats, etc.. Even though they were very open, the conversation would go something like this. "You can use stones, BUT...", or "you can use hemi-sync, BUT what if you project and you won't need it anymore?" After having countless OBEs, I gotta say that once you project, you won't be hearing what you are hearing with your physical ears, but you'll be hearing what you perceive in whatever world you are in at that moment. I also use sage to cleanse my space, but I am sure IAC would find something wrong with that too. And stones, along with binaural beats, have helped me to have my first experience. But do not rely on stones and hemi-sync to do all the work for you. In the end, use all the tools you can, but you yourself have to do the work. IAC seems to promote this idea that "your mind is better than any tool that could help you to have an OBE." Yes, your mind is more powerful than a rock, or a binaural beat, but it doesn't mean you have to shut out all the tools that are available to you in this age and time.

Now let's talk about something very important, naps. At this point in my life, I could have an OBE any night, as long as I take a nap first, which is hard to do since I have insomnia. Naps are KEY in Astral Projecting. But in the IAC workshop, naps weren't covered even once!


So, if you feel like being part of something 'unique', if you feel like being 'different', and completely separate yourself from the rest of the OBE/AP community, go ahead and take this workshop. I gotta warn you, though. You will have to re-learn everything you already know about OBEs, at least terminology. I didn't even have this hard of a time learning Robert Monroe's terms, because they at least made sense and were simple.

Looking back, I really should've signed up for just the first week instead of all four. But I am glad I did it because I learned a lot about the company and what the people there believe in, and also met like minded people who are interested in Out-of-Body/Astral Projection Experiences and exploring consciousness.

I give this workshop 2 out of 5 stars. 2 because people behind IAC aren't bad. They won't lead you astray. IAC is not really a cult, and won't brainwash you. They'll just confuse the crap out of you, and teach you the basics of the process of life and death. This stuff you could learn from books, or having your own OBE experiences.

But which books? Can you recommend me some? The first one I already linked. And the other book that really helped me to have my first Out-of-Body Experience was Out-of-Body Experiences: How to Have Them and What to Expect by Robert Peterson.

Lastly, I want to say this. Peace and Love to all the people at the IAC institute. I liked all of the instructors, but just don't resonate with your methods, and your jargons. A lot of the stuff you teach is the same thing, just described with different terms. I'd rather stick with what I know, because I don't want to be that guy that no one understands except for one community I am part of. God bless.

IAC Website: http://www.iacworld.org/