I am 40

so today I get an email from my homeboy Topaz and i felt like making this.

truth is, I no longer blog for the most part. it takes too much work and I have tendinitis. So, typing for long periods fuck up my hands. I did however went back to taking Kung Fu 3-4x per week. So, I been healing my hands with it and doing much better. Thank god my sifu is still alive. he's 79 and still NO ONE could beat him.

I do audio journaling on my phone now. it helps me a ton. long story short. I did Summer Camp with Dan/Badboy




it helped me a little, but it was the hardest thing I ever done in my life. it was much harder than i imagined it to be. i was so overwhelmed with approaching girls, i felt like a bomb that wanted to explode. i thought i was gonna lose my mind. had a total of 3 dates-2 instadates and 1 actual date. and that's it. a few guys got laid a few times. most guys didn't have much success tho.

long story short. there was this photographer there (part of instructors crew) named Helena, and we clicked. she told me about how Marlon Brando did audio tapes/journaling. I was like wtf is this? So, I tried it and it really helps me.

I am an only child so most of my day I don't talk to anyone. I keep everything that goes on in my life, work or outside on inside. and when I get it out in a blog like this, it takes too long and it fucks up my hands. audio journaling really helps me to get it out IMMEDIATELY, and it helps me to do social warm ups, as well as with self-expression. i still have a hard time getting laid and with women but at least I got the structure. that's one thing I love about Badboy, structure. and Croatia was amazing, along with its people. I felt like Croatians were these super evolved aliens who have ascended beyond space and time and who are so friendly, and good. unlike any people i ever met. and I'm from Eastern Europe so i understood them completely. because they appear cold and distant at first-never smile. but when you talk to them, they are so warm. it was like visiting another planet.

anyway, i went out yesterday-Sunday after drinking 4 shots of vodka and 'trying' to talk to girls. no approaches and i thought wth... let's celebrate. then went to a strip club. on NO FAP for 1 year 1 month and sexually frustrated but i know how to control it. long story short, i met this 10/10 black girl there and she was so my type. omg... not gonna go into details but she was so different than any stripper i ever met. i'm thinking of just coming back there once per month when i go out drinking and visiting her. who cares if it's fake. at least i get to feel good being around her. i'm miserable all the fucking time. may as well enjoy my company with her. fucking strip clubs.. nothing but dicktease and blueballs at end of the night. but that's life i guess. at least this girl was warm and flirty with me. most of them are just cold and ask for money right away, or flirty and do the same.

i think that's it for now. don't feel like 40, but more like 25. i grew a little but feel like i refuse to approach girls on my own and scared to get my feet dirty. miserable and lonely. but what else is new? at least i got 1 year of Kung Fu now and feel stronger, and more grounded. i wanna become a Master. that's my life dream. one day... gotta go train now. a little late but had to blog real quick. it was either now or never.

Cluster Headache pt. 2

here we go again...

couldn't sleep from 12:30 till about 1:11am when i looked at the clock. i felt headache coming on... but it was mild 1, then 2... drank some water, but i felt it more in my sinus. then at 1:46am it hit me at 7.. then 8, and 9 and shit i wanted to die.

i think it's the food, though. i wanted to puke at certain times. i ate frozen burrito and something in it probably triggered it. i'll have to look at the wrapper tomorrow. lasted until 2:26am. 40 mins of hell. i really need to start eating healthier.

i jump started my MA again, and my sifu is still alive thank god, but i still eat like shit. i mean it isn't the worst. but i guess that's the price for not having a woman in my life. always eating whatever i could find or whatever doesn't look like poison (i dont eat junk food or any shit tier food).

anyway, i'll try to get some sleep. maybe take a sleeping pill. gotta wake up for work in 4 hours. fuck my life... these headaches drain all my energy

Cluster Headache

woke up at 5:47am with a Cluster Headache at about a 6 > drank some water > it kept going > in about 10 mins it went up to a 7. then it just kept rising and it hit like a 9 where I wanted to straight kms. lasted until 6:30am and then started coming down to 8, 7, 6, and eventually faded.

Huge Panic Attack

so yesterday after I trained my Kung Fu, I left and approached this girl outside. Afterwards, I felt this fear running through my body. And when I got home, I felt weak because I didn't eat for 7 hours. So, finally I ate my frozen burrito, thinking it will make me feel better. I still felt weak and like I was going to faint. my plans were to go out, drink 4 shots of vodka before I get to the club. And then talk to girls there while drunk. But I didn't go. I was worried that if I already feel like passing out, vodka may just do that.

Today I thought fuck it, no work tomorrow and I will go out tonight instead. It's Sunday so it would be slow, so no drinking. But I still feel weak like yesterday.

So  I am watching this funny ass movie, Dinner for Schmucks, because I thought I need to watch something funny when I feel shitty rather than browse toxic pol on the weekend. And I had this HUGE panic attack. This is why I stopped smoking weed, cuz i'd get these all the time. But now I am sober and I felt like kms. Called my tranny friend, literally the only one i have, and she calmed me down and told me to take the pill my doc subscribed to me. I ended up in ER last year cuz had a panic attack just like this. they told me it's from stress and nothing is wrong with me.

I feel better now, but still weak. I just feel like it's too heavy to be in this body with all my problems. And I am so lonely. it's too much sometimes to handle. I am also doing No Fap and on it for a while. Feel a lot better mentally and physically, but sometimes I need to release. But soon I'm going to Europe to do some self improvement for myself, and I hope it helps.

I haven't been blogging at all, because I guess I am just really private and stopped caring about my blog lately. So, maybe I'll blog again. Maybe not. it's kinda random, not like I used to post all the time. I just hope I'll be okay. I'm trying to improve myself in my love life and my social life, but it's so fucking hard. sometimes I just wanna get drunk and numb my feelings down, so that I don't have to feel the pain of loneliness and worthlessness. Because everywhere I go, all I see is couples everywhere. Feels like I'm disconnected from humanity and everything else in the universe.

Opera - the best browser

get rid of the parasitic Chrome, with Google collecting your information about every site you visit. get Opera instead, that uses the same Chromium engine. Opera even gives you options of copy text automatically as you select it. No other browser does this. And you could get any extension you can get for Chrome with a special extension that enables this feature. It is my main default browser as of right now. This ad is very well done

Escape | A Sci-fi short film by Opera from Operabrowser on Vimeo.

are Humans on the verge of Extinction?

I first heard about this in an article Death by Utopia. Unfortunately, that website has been taken down. But basically this is what happened in a nutshell:

Guy ran an experiment with mice in a controlled environment. He created unlimited resources for them, and different "Universes" (buildings). The result of the study with mice was this. Population growth exploded > violence > degeneracy > "beautiful ones"appeared, loner mice that secluded themselves from the group and did their own thing > extinction/collapse of the population.

We are literally witnessing the same in our western society today:

Population growth - Foreign Aid to shitholes like Africa, which is the result of more people being born. whites are having less children, however, due to so much pressure on them paying rent, and paying taxes, funding their own extinction paying for welfare of 3rd world invaders being brought to their lands

Degeneracy - This is the stage we are in currently. how many genders are there now? 20, 30, 50??? Drag queens are allowed to come to city libraries brainwashing young children into thinking this behavior is "okay". We even got 12 year old drag queens talking about they are gender nuetral and dressed up in slutty outfits shaking their asses on stage, which is downright pedophelia. I mean, what's next?

My question is, when is the extinction/collapse going to come? The way our world looks today, it can't come soon enough...

M.I.A. is a dumb ass

I can't believe I used to look up to this idiot. But then again, she's a rapper. and rap is the most lowest vibration of music on earth. nothing but worshipping of swag, bling, and glorification of crime because it's so "cool" where you get street cred for "struggling". After learning everything I've learned, I can safely say MIA is a complete moron that has no sense of clue of how the world works. But she shouldn't feel too bad, most rappers are this way. I realized this after I saw her "Borders" video about a year ago. Jesus fucking Christ!! what a globalist moron!

Some men say women belong behind cages. I disagree. Women belong in the kitchen raising their children into healthy and productive adults. This is what nature made them to do-give birth and raise their offspring. It's been that way for eons since humans have been around, and it won't change anytime soon. But now with all this feminism and "equal rights" poison that is sweeping the west, all these "independent women" think that they need "rights". Hence, all the women are focusing on their careers and end up miserable, single, and old cat ladies. Then minorities are laughing at white women and blames them for not making enough kids. When there are bigger forces that are behind this massive brainwashing and genocide. I won't even get into this now, but yeah I just wanted to vent.

M.I.A. is a complete and utter MORON! She always talks about crooked politicians in black countries but never mentions an average IQ in black nations, and the fact that all the nations ran by these low IQ Sub Saharans are corrupted to shit! they simply don't know how to plan for the future, and mainly live in the moment. this is why blacks in general are more laid back and easy going. but that's also why all their countries and neighborhoods look like sewers. Women all need to be stripped off their rights of running for office, and yes even voting. But I'm afraid we are going in the same direction as Rome. Soon this American empire, and the entire west will collapse. Hell on earth will ensue once darker low IQ races will take over. But some only learn the hard way...

FUCK JORDAN PETERSON!!!

Just another globalist stooge working to destroy white people by subverting the minds of the young to somehow think it is "wrong" and "evil" to be proud of their culture, history, and heritage. Peterson is such a FRAUD! His voice disgusts me and face makes me wanna puke!!

just want to thank Resurrection Europa for making this masterpiece video exposing this pathetic nutless cuck. Watch it now before they take it down for "hate speech"..