I am 40

so today I get an email from my homeboy Topaz and i felt like making this.

truth is, I no longer blog for the most part. it takes too much work and I have tendinitis. So, typing for long periods fuck up my hands. I did however went back to taking Kung Fu 3-4x per week. So, I been healing my hands with it and doing much better. Thank god my sifu is still alive. he's 79 and still NO ONE could beat him.

I do audio journaling on my phone now. it helps me a ton. long story short. I did Summer Camp with Dan/Badboy




it helped me a little, but it was the hardest thing I ever done in my life. it was much harder than i imagined it to be. i was so overwhelmed with approaching girls, i felt like a bomb that wanted to explode. i thought i was gonna lose my mind. had a total of 3 dates-2 instadates and 1 actual date. and that's it. a few guys got laid a few times. most guys didn't have much success tho.

long story short. there was this photographer there (part of instructors crew) named Helena, and we clicked. she told me about how Marlon Brando did audio tapes/journaling. I was like wtf is this? So, I tried it and it really helps me.

I am an only child so most of my day I don't talk to anyone. I keep everything that goes on in my life, work or outside on inside. and when I get it out in a blog like this, it takes too long and it fucks up my hands. audio journaling really helps me to get it out IMMEDIATELY, and it helps me to do social warm ups, as well as with self-expression. i still have a hard time getting laid and with women but at least I got the structure. that's one thing I love about Badboy, structure. and Croatia was amazing, along with its people. I felt like Croatians were these super evolved aliens who have ascended beyond space and time and who are so friendly, and good. unlike any people i ever met. and I'm from Eastern Europe so i understood them completely. because they appear cold and distant at first-never smile. but when you talk to them, they are so warm. it was like visiting another planet.

anyway, i went out yesterday-Sunday after drinking 4 shots of vodka and 'trying' to talk to girls. no approaches and i thought wth... let's celebrate. then went to a strip club. on NO FAP for 1 year 1 month and sexually frustrated but i know how to control it. long story short, i met this 10/10 black girl there and she was so my type. omg... not gonna go into details but she was so different than any stripper i ever met. i'm thinking of just coming back there once per month when i go out drinking and visiting her. who cares if it's fake. at least i get to feel good being around her. i'm miserable all the fucking time. may as well enjoy my company with her. fucking strip clubs.. nothing but dicktease and blueballs at end of the night. but that's life i guess. at least this girl was warm and flirty with me. most of them are just cold and ask for money right away, or flirty and do the same.

i think that's it for now. don't feel like 40, but more like 25. i grew a little but feel like i refuse to approach girls on my own and scared to get my feet dirty. miserable and lonely. but what else is new? at least i got 1 year of Kung Fu now and feel stronger, and more grounded. i wanna become a Master. that's my life dream. one day... gotta go train now. a little late but had to blog real quick. it was either now or never.