Its almost 2008, and this is what im up to

Playing my 360 that i bought for myself, and trying to hook up with someone from craiglist. Yeah, kinda lonely but this is what im doing to celebrate a NYE. I was gonna hang out with my soon to be cousin but we hung out yesterday getting high off our asses, and he kinda MIA as of right now so i dont know.

Its all good comes next year and im getting xbox live in the mail, ill be having fun online.


New Years is a few hours away, im here planting seeds online, playing video games, and will be getting blazed within a few. HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ME!

I saw my dad and told him he was a shitty father

I went to visit my cousin that i havent seen in 3 years, he is like the opposite of me, a tough guy, knows many people, got all the connections. That guy is a pot head so we been getting high on the regular at his place.

My cousin took me to see my dad in LA this sunday the 23rd. It was a trip seeing my father first time in 10 years, he looks kinda old, like he aged, and he is still the same way he was before. I told him everything, all of my life problems, all the things i been going through and dealing with as a result of his shitty upbringing. His mom, my grandma was really concerned cuz i was shaking when talking to him. I was nervous and looked all fucked up, like life hasnt been looking out the best for me. That guy is clueless, he didnt even understand me considering he doesnt speak very good English. It had to be translated to him and shit, and even then i dont think he understood anything. Me and my cousin basically spent around 30 minutes there and left.

I just got a call from him last night when i was high as fuck, he on the phone telling me they love me and want me to be part of their life, he asking me if i wanna move to LA, Im like WELL WTF DO YOU WANT? WHAT DO YOU WANT OUT OF ME ONCE IM THERE? hes like "to talk" im like i really dont wanna talk to you right now i feel like im talking to a little kid and im not a kid anymore so dont call me for another month.

I am REALLY mad at him, i mean REALLY REALLY mad at him. I dont wanna see his face, dont wanna hear his voice, dude is a fucking stranger to me and i told him that. All those years he took me places when i was a kid it was like hanging out with a stranger. Many of my life problems stem from his upbringing. But i didnt do this to blame him, i just did it for me cuz i needed to let this off my chest. I honestly dont think he can contribute anything to my life, and dont want him in my world. He wants to have a relationship but i dont have anymore patience for having a relationship in which im a kid and hes a dad who doesnt know what to do or say around me.

Im really contemplating on what to do right now, telling him to FUCK OFF or still keep in touch by phone cuz aint no way im going there to see him so that hell wanna go to the movies. He wants to go to the movies and have a son/dad relationship after he played a role of a living spirit who doesnt do anything other then be there physically. Wanna go to the movies? FUCK YOU! dumb ass, what are you thinking? im not a 12 year old anymore, you cant take me to Disneyland and make me wear shorts saying that if i dont we wont go. Im 28 you dumb piece of shit! If you never knew how to be a dad why have you ever had me? stupid. Now you telling me that i got all these family members but yet none of them ever called or even bothered to tell me happy birthday unless YOU happened to be at their place and made them get on the phone to be a good sport, BITCH PLEASE! fuck you and yo so-called fatherhood that didnt exist, thanx for passing to me all of your life problems and not being a man enough to take care of them your own self.


I kinda feel good though, im reconnected with my 2 cousins and shit. They are some cool peoples, and if i chose not to have a relationship with my dad at least i got some sort of family members to chill with. I never had that sort of thing, and im glad i do now.

The Negativity is too strong, i have trouble fighting it

DAMN! ive been having a shitty mood for the last 3 days and the only thing that helps me is weed, and i never get high before i leave home cuz im afraid im gonna say or do some stupid sh!t.

this is hell, i feel like if i go out and do Mission 1 one day and feel good, the next day my mood turns back to negative and i stay quiet, the longer i stay quiet the less i want to talk to anyone. Thats basically how i am and been this way all my life.

my friend wore my clothes a few days back and he told me he got into a fight with his friends, was mad at everyone and was like "your clothes got a lot of negative energy", and maybe thats what it is. maybe when i have a good day i come home all happy and shit, then the next day i wear my clothes and this dark force owns me like its been owning me all my life. i hate it, i really really hate it. its like the closest thing to be living in hell, im always mad, always angry, always unhappy, always pissed at people being together and having fun, not being able to have fun cuz i dont know how. its like having that feeling after your best friend just backstabbed you, i feel that almost daily and dont know how to escape it. i care what people think and dont know how to change that, smoking weed is cool but how long will that last?


shit i dont know, this negativity is kicking my ass as always. i guess it does that cuz i let it, im too afraid and too reluctant to fight it cuz of apathy that is running down my veins.

its really disgusting.

IM HIGH AS FUCK RIGHT NOW!! HAHAHAHHAH...

FROM THE NIGHT BEFORE!!!!!!!

CUZ WE TAKING OVEEEER
ONE CITY AT A TIME..

MAN... IM DOWNLOADING THIS INSTRUMENTAL, its HOT

and you know what? FUCK HAVING A ACCURATE BLOG I CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT FUCK WHAT THE PEOPLE THINK. JAKL;J DALK;FJDAS PFOJAPEO APSDKLFJ APDPAF A;DSLK FJ;SOZKJB;XLBN ;LK

BLAH BLAH BLAH

LKSDJF;ALKDJ F;LKASDJF;LAKDJ F;LDSAJ F;SLDJ

FUCK YOU

LASKDJF;LAKJDF A

HAHA

SEE

MUCH BETTER

but anyway i was gonna make a post about this chick that was looking at me, and all i had to do was open my mouth and say "how you doing?" observe body language and then I WOULD HAVE A DATE! but noooooooooooooooo, i dont say anything cus the negativity is too strong so now im beating myself up instead. what a dumb ass!

i think i need to get rid of all my clothes too much negative energy in em..

One more thing i wanna ad about having a shitty father...

Even though i should be sleeping its 3 am in this bitch, i wanna ad this before i go to bed. Im still working on my paper and i came across this quote right here, "Individuals who grow up without a father in the home struggle the most with self-identification, which makes it difficult for them to have relationships with other people" by Joyce Morley-Ball.

That is the fucking truth!!!!! All of my life i been struggling with self-identification, but also forming and most importantly HAVING relationships with people. Im talking about even having friends. So many times id make friends and then once i get comfortable i do something that will make them lose respect for me. Id basically do something to push them away, and then they go "fuck you too" and leave. And at the end i wouldnt even know that i did what i did, unless somebody sticked around and told me that i was being a fucking asshole. So id always end up being confused, not only about my self-identity, but also about why the fuck everybody keeps on leaving me? Its really weird man...

There is this part in The Wire: Season 3, where Cutty sitting on a couch talking to a preacher, and he says "I've had this feeling for a long time... its like Im standing outside myself watching me do things i dont wanna do... you know... just seeing me like im somebody else but never ever being able to stop the show... im tired........" Story of my motha fucking life.

Its a trip how fathers influence their children

Im writing my final paper on African American youth and their upbringing, and there is this article called "The Impact of Fathers’ Absence on African American Adolescents’ Gender Role Development", and it is so on point its not even funny.


It basically talks about a bunch of research studies being done and in one case 40 boys were arrested, 20 father-absent boys had higher femininity then the 20 father-present boys. And the father-present boys are more likely to develop higher self-confidence in their masculinity. Then I keep reading it and it says in another study "feminine boys’ fathers had spent less time with them in infancy than had the fathers of masculine boys. Therefore, on average, father-present boys likely had more traits associated with masculinity than did father-absent boys." Im not black but that really tripped me out because i did have a father. I don't know about infancy years cuz i dont remember, but he barely spent any time with me even when i was like 5. In fact, he did spent time with me but we werent doing shit other then watch tv or go to some other city, or take a train somewhere. And we basically never talked about ANYTHING! I mean he didnt talk about himself, and he never asked me about me. Until this day i dont know who the fuck he is and i can say the same for him. NOTHING was brought up about confidence, girls, being a man, fighting, socializing, just anything that has to do with life. It was almost as if i was living with a fucking male blow up doll in a form of a father. Shit, you know what i mean.. he was useless!!

But im saying that bolded part is so on point its scary. I am feminine but not like in a gay way you know, i just have more femininity then masculinity. Like i don't act tough or dont resemble an alpha male. Im more reserved, and have a long fuse. I don't portray or resemble any femininity externally, its more on the inside. I remember when i was taking martial arts, the style was called Wing Chun, and my sifu was like "you have Wing Chun within you, you should take advantage of that". To make long story short i quit after a few years cuz honestly, im not a fighter and even if i was there 10 years id probably still suck and not be this tough guy who is quick to snap on someone and beat their ass. And you know he was telling us how this style was developed by a woman, saying that whoever moves naturally doing forms or wooden dummy has femininity to them, in other words someone like me.

What really pissed me off in the past is that my father was trying his hardest to get my mom pregnant. He couldnt for so long and he went to the doctors regularly, then after 2 years i start swimming in my moms stomach. You know i just didnt understand why you want me so bad when you dont know a thing about being a parent.

Its cool though, i been trying to get a hold of him for like a week but all my cousin #'s are dead. I got one more source though, hopefully it works.

I had a girl put my # in her celly today

props to taylormade, the guy whoever left feedback for my last entry, whoever you are.

today i was exhausted as fuck i had only 4 hours of sleep. so im at my college all tired, not even thinking about my Mission 1, but its in the back of my mind. class is over, im at the bus stop waiting for my train. then this cute girl stops not even a few feet away from me. i take a few steps towards her and say how you doing. she answers fine, im paying attention to her body language without thinking any of that negative bullshit i used to think and im calm. shes more on a neutral side so i chat with her for a few minutes and as my train pulling in i tell her to give me a call if she wants to hang out sometimes.

chances are she wont call but it doesnt matter. this POSITIVITY is amazing!!! its the first thing that is helping my Post traumatic stress disorder. before id be nervous just walking from class to class cuz all id have is negative thoughts in my brain "what if i bump into somebody? what if people are thinking bad things about me? omg they laughed are they laughing at me?". fuck all that poison, i refuse it to run me again!!!

also i wanna ad i chit chatted with this heavy set, tom boy looking black woman, i think she had a do-rag on and was kinda ghetto. i made a comment when standing in line at a Taqueria how she looks like shes sick and we had a tight convo. i initiated and we kept talking back and forth. its so easy to talk to strangers who are social, and i love it. the focus is "how you doing", observe the language, and positive thinking. thats it!!!

the only trouble i have is talking to people in groups. like if there is a mixed group of men and women, or a group of men especially, i get all lost and feel inferior if im part of the circle (which almost never happens cuz i dont let it). thats another thing i need to work on, but ill just focus on small steps and all that other stuff will come to me.

Mission 1: Eye contact & 'How you doing?'

Ok, this is gonna contribute to my development, which starts today.

Eye contact & 'How you doing?':

• say "How you doing?" to all types of women everywhere i go, be they ugly, fat, obese, black, white, pretty, or whatever (ok except maybe smelly). I was thinking setting my goal to 10 women a day but ill just leave that open for now cuz some days i may stay home and i dont wanna go out just to do this mission, done that before and i think its retarded. Maybe ill create goals instead, to go out and shop, or to go out and attend events and do this along the way. make eye contact as i'm asking this question, or a moment afterwards. this is important!
  

• think positive! do this before even the first step. negative thinking would be 'what if she acts rude?', 'what if she acts like a total bitch?', 'what if she snears at me, look me up and down and go psssssssstttttt?'. i must get that negative bullshit out of my head. instead think about how i'm setting goals for myself and i'm doing this for ME. it will improve my social life as well as give me confidence in my social interactions.
  

• observe her body language. the whole point is focusing on how she responds. is she looking back at me? is she staying silent, having an angry look, while looking at the floor? is she smiling saying "hi!"? this step is getting in tuned with her feelings and trying to pick up on her vibe. nothing more.

• come and post about it on my blog. write whatever i thought of all the women's reactions, what i picked up from their conscious and subconscious body language.

• optional - if her reaction is positive follow with a compliment or whatever positive thought comes to mind. basically throwing positivity back at her. if i think shes fine say that, or if i like her hair cut or her nails say that. this is optional though, it's better i stick with the mission cuz i need to practice being in tuned with sent messages first before taking the next step.

Today:

1st girl - i was sitting in a hall waiting for my teacher. she was thick and big bonded. she smiled looking straight, said something back like "fine" i dont remember. she seemed very positive and was flattered i said hi. i kept looking but she wouldnt look back as she kept on walking.

2nd girl - she was non-responsive till i started talking to her. looked tired

3rd girl - i came up to her asked her about tattoos actually, and then after she answered she started puttuing an ear piece back in her ear sort of being unsure 'is he finished?'. she was smiling though, but i still dont know if she was interested in talking to me or was just being nice. damn im really bad at this stuff, i think i need practice.

4th girl - i just said hi and she smiled. she was old like maybe about 50

5th girl - she looked at me said "fine" and smiled showing her teeth, then looked away. see i dont know if women are just nice who do this or they saying "oh, hey. youre cute, come talk to me."

Hard Times...

i think everyone has songs that make them cry. this is my shit right here, i listen to these songs and all i hear is me speaking those words. i can relate to almost 100% of all the lyrics, and i never felt that way about any artist before. not one artist even talked to me about my struggle 50% before. seriously, this guys name is Genicide, i found out about him on sohh, he used to post in the spot and has a soundclick page somewhere. when i listen to these songs i cry like a lil bitch cuz i feel like it is me who is singing them.

Genicide - Hard Times

Genicide - How Should I Be Feelin'

truth is, most people who listen to this wont even get it, theyll just call it some unpleasant name and disregard it. which is exactly the point of the song, no one sees the struggle, and no one cares. its almost as if it doesnt exist to them, but it is very real to me, too real should i say.

anyway, FUCK YOU if you have anything bad to say about these songs. FUCK YOU if you look down on or think this struggle doesnt exist. FUCK YOU! complaining about your problems youre having with your girlfriend thinking its the end of the world, when you really dont have it that bad. then you listen to songs like this you have something negative to say, bitch! FUCK YOU!!! i feel like venting out some more but i got nothing else to say right now so im just gonna end this here.

I had the WORST trip ever getting high...

OMG, I HAD THE WORST HIGH EVER!

Last night at about 10 i ate a thc laced chocolate chip cookie on an empty stomach, man oh man.... was i sorry i did that. at about 11 i started feeling the effect, and at first it wasnt that bad. i was happy i was ready to play Super Mario Galaxy and all of the sudden BAM! BAM! BAM BAM BAM!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF!!!???????????? IM FEELING DIZZY, MY HEAD IS COMPRESSED. OH MAN IM LIKE YO MAN WTF WTF WTF!?! IM HAVING A BAD TRIP, IM PARANOID, IM HAVING A PANIC ATTACK, IM WALKING BACK AND FORTH FROM MINE TO MY ROOMMATE'S ROOM, MY LEGS ARE SHAKING. IM FEELING THE LONELINESS THAT I FEEL WHEN IM BY MYSELF MULTIPLIED BY ABOUT 10. OMG! SHIT, WTF!??? I CALL MY ROOMMATE AND HE TELLS ME TO RELAX IM LIKE MAAAAAAAAAAAAN HOW THE FUCK DO I DO THAT?

i call my mom next tell her im fucked up and fill dizzy. i say bye and call my female friend, she is drunk. so im talking to a drunk girl while im high, omg! this was some convo,

Me: HEY! WHAT YOU DOING?
Her: nothing
Me: OH MAN I AM SO FUCKED UP I ATE A THC COOKIE AND IM TRIPPING BAD
Her: lol, im drunk
Me: what you drinking?
Her: i dont know.............. WHAT?
Me: WHAT? WHAT YOU MEAN?
Her: i dont know... its loud
Me: loud where here or there?
Her: here

omg, this trip was so bad i thought i was gonna die. i felt like my brain was overloaded with information but it could only handle 1/10th of it. and the worst part about this was that I ATE IT! WHICH MEANS IT STAYED IN MY DIGESTIVE SYSTEM, WHICH MEANS IM SCREWED FOR 12 HOURS OR MORE!

so i tried sleeping, it didnt work, i called the drug line, TWICE! they told me i gotta ride it out and there is no other way. i fell asleep eventually and THANK GOD i slept through most of the trip. i am now SCARED to eat anymore thc laced cookies i have left. i had a bad trip like this when i first got high off of eating it but the nightmare went away after 30 minutes. i never had a bad trip smoking it though, maybe i should stick to that.

i was paranoid that i was gonna do something i dont want to do. like kill someone or kill myself, i had all these negative thoughts and the more i thought about negative stuff the more paranoid i got. it was like i couldnt control my emotions and they were all bad, i was afraid i was gonna have a heart attack!!! Trojanman, I take back everything i said to you about weed. DONT DO THAT SHIT! YOU ARE IN NO SHAPE TO BE GETTING HIGH AND I NOW UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU WENT THROUGH THAT FIRST TIME IN CANADA! SHIT!!!

if i try this ever again ill eat a very small portion AND AFTER I EAT OTHER FOODS. cuz i have a feeling eating it on an empty stomach the weed almost BECOMES PART OF YOU cuz the body dont got anything else to process. i really feel like i MUST work on my life goals and better myself. weed is not a solution to feeling happy, and im finding out the hard way...

I announce DEATH to Negativity!!!!!!!

As of today, 12/05/07, i announce DEATH to the negativity that is running, as well as RUINING, my life.

Anything that i like, think, look up to, or even ENJOY is negative.

• My favorite show-I love new york=Negative, ignorant, hood rat bullshit.

• My favorite drama-The Wire=Negative, ignorant poison, black people killing each other.

• My favorite music-East Coast Hip-Hop=Negative hood shit, mindless, Thug life glamorization combined with impressive lyrics, stupid ignorant garbage.

• My favorite artist-Masta Ace=Negative, talk about negativity in the hood combined with impressive philosophy, same ol' hood shit just from the reality NEGATIVE aspect of it.

• My favorite thing to look up to-Black Ghetto Struggle=Negative, poison, i look up to thugs, and feel their pain, always make excuses for them that black people been conditioned this way since slavery, and never look down on them because i almost want to be them, have their fame, have the sex, the money, the respect they get. I even think that it's better to live a short life but actually acquire all the things (money, sex, respect, etc..) then live an entire life in fear like i do and be somewhat safe.

• My favorite thing to do-Criticize=Negative opinions of people or things, finding faults in people or being mad at them for having things.

• My favorite radio show-Star & Buc Wild=Negative, ignorant, hood shit, people talking down on each other.

• My favorite blog-Trojanman's=Negative (not to put you on the spot but its true), your blog is just as (if not more then) negative as mine.

i can go on and on, but i got to change this. until i change and switch to living a POSITIVE life, no matter how many women i talk to, no matter how many times i go clubbing, i will never get anywhere. It is no wonder i get sooooooooooooo much rejection from people. Long time ago when i was trying my hardest to chat with everybody when I went clubbing id talk to close to 20 people per night, and close to 18 turn my ass down or give me the "go away" look. I have this negative energy field which is so strong that once i bring myself into somebody else's presence they feel it instantly, and reject it without even uttering a word! Then i get mad "why are they such fucking assholes blah blah blah" Seriously, this has GOT to stop. Yes, that means changing my way of thinking, changing the shows i watch on TV, changing from THINKING all the negative things about myself, about others, about what if this happen, what if that happens, etc..

This shit is hard because i am so comfortable that i almost LOVE the negativity. It's like i feel GOOD doing, feeling, and thinking it. Shit, no wonder i don't have any friends if i met somebody like me i wouldn't wanna be their friend neither.

My New Year's resolution-find positive things to fill my life with. Positive music, positive movies, positive friends, positive tv shows, positive lifestyle. This is my first New Year's resolution ever! Paz, remember we talked about "the movement", and then i said ill write out a format? Well, this is the first step. Until we get this down into our lives, into our brains, and into our souls, there is no so called movement.

I am dead serious. I either change this or I will die being negative, and wonder why there is no change in my life.

The place is here, the time is now, POSITIVITY here I come...

I feel disconnected from everybody

my black friend/roomate came home with his headphones on singing at the top of his lungs, he was really pissing me off. i was watching flavor of love marathon and his ass was singing so fucking loud i was like MAN IM TRYING TO WATCH THE SHOW HERE?! DAMN! so anyway after a while he asked to use my pc to rip his new cds he bought. then as hes ripping them he starts playing some song, and its some modern African band, he plays this song and says "you feeling that?" and i didnt like the beat so im like no. so he says "see thats cuz you not black, you dont understand, you never been to church, you never did this, you never did that, blah blah blah this is a real African band, they singing about the struggle. all that struggle you say you understand is bs, this is the real struggle blah blah blah some countries have this music banned cuz its so powerful blah blah" i was like damn... that hurts. and he was like why? you wanna be black this bad? i was like i dont know why, but that hurts. then i started thinking and i realized that hes is doing what all my other friends been doing, making me see that im not like them, that whatever quality they have is this HOT SHIT and im not it, and NEVER WILL BE.

i had a Chinese friend i used to hang with, and he said the same type of shit. it was different but very similar in a way where i felt that same shitty feeling im feeling right now. we were chilling at a cafeteria at my college campus and he was like "see...... youre white... you got the privilege in this country... blah blah blah" he had this smirk on his face like "and im Chinese and im proud of my heritage and im struggling and you dont, cuz you white!" and i was like damn..... that hurts. yeah i know all that bullshit about having a privelege but i just didnt expect to hear this from a friend. i get negative looks, attitudes from strangers thinking that, i feel that they think that, and it hurts you know. they just say in their mind "FUCK YOU WHITE BOY YOU WHITE THEREFORE YOU AINT SHIT TO ME, YOU GOT EVERYTHING AND YOU DONT STRUGGLE, YOU DONT KNOW ABOUT REAL STRUGGLE SO GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY FACE". many people who do that shit nonverbally are colored, they could be black, asian, latin, whatever. and you know it makes me feel disconnected from folks, like im an alien, but the least i expect this sort of thing is from friends.

its funny though cuz ive had 2 types of friends my whole life. type 1 is the type that will tell me stuff like this and make me feel inferior, sad, and just disconnected from them, and type 2 is someone who wont say that but they end up not being a good friend to begin with. damn... i never done this to any one of my friends why they all doing it to me? or at least it seems like it.

the only white people im connected with is my family, and im so far away from them. they dont know shit about me, they dont know my fears, my goals, my feelings, i dont share personal stuff with them. even someone i get along with, my uncle, he still doesnt see me for who i am and doesnt know me like that.

i was thinking maybe i should make some white friends but the truth is even white friends would probably do some shit like that. theyll just bring up their own heritage "yeah, us italians are like this you wouldnt get us blah blah" or some stupid shit like that, whatever their culture is. i dont know, maybe im just sensetive, but it really pisses me off when people do this.

you know its like when those people start rambling about AHHHHHHH, THATS THE JOINT RIGHT THERE!!! OMG THAT IS THE SOOOOOOOOOOONG, BACK IN THE DAY WHEN WE WERE OUT ON THE STREET HAVING BLOCK PARTIES OMGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOD YOU JUST DONT KNOW! its the same shit. its like yeah... i really DONT KNOW, i was never out "back in the day" on the street socializing, mingling, having the time of my life, so yeah... i cant relate to you... BUT YOU DONT GOTTA RUB THAT SHIT IN MY FACE!! dumb ass. fuck you, fuck you and your "good ol' days", dumb ass bitch. just another way of making you look good and make people who havent had your type of life feel like shit cuz they never been though what you been through. dumb ass piece of shit. not everyone is like you so stop making it sound like what you have, had, or didnt have is everything and what i have, dont have or never had is unimportant because it is, its my life! why you making me feel disconnected from you, arent you supposed to have my back, isnt that what friends do? damn... i dont get it, maybe i just dont understand human beings in general or maybe im too sensetive. this is the type of shit that makes me wanna crawl into a cave and just live my life there away from everybody until its my time to go.

right now my plan is to go see my dad who lives in a different city and tell him he was a shitty father, tell him everything i think of him, and leave. i been avoiding that so called father for over a decade and i gotta go see him and tell him everything. i think alot of my issues im having stem from this shitty parenting, but whatever, im not blaming no one its my own issues and i gotta work on them.

Star and Buc Wild are back baby!!!

ok its enough of being sad... its friday night and im not doing shit as usual so i wanna celebrate after hearing Star & buck Wild are gonna be back on the radio. im gonna be changing my blog's address once i come up with a short name till then here is my favorite clips of them, haha..........

what the fuck is wrong with this planet???

i had such a severe headache not too long ago. thats one of my struggles in life actually, migraine headaches. it took me nearly a decade to figure out how to prevent them. if i dont eat healthy, headache, if i dont get enough sleep, headache, if i dont drink enough water, headache. it is mainly my left part of the forehead area. right around and inside my left eye. for the longest i thought something was wrong with my eyes because it feels like my eyes are hurting and not the head. the pain is right above and inside my eye and it feels like my veins are gonna pop, its like something poking me with needles inside of my head, this headache lasts anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour, sometimes more sometimes less. it is so severe that after the pain goes away ALL OF MY ENERGY IS DRAINED. its that bad.

i havent been getting enough sleep for the last few days, i just lay there for hours not being able to fall asleep. smoking weed helps me sleep but im not getting high cuz im in school, just waiting till its over. so you know one of them headaches kicks in and im like FUCK, NOT AGAIN!!!!!! im thinking "man, maybe i need food" so i go to cafeteria get me a buritto, eat a lil n the pain still there, it gets worse and worse. i look like shit, my eye is red, i look like im partly crying cuz tears are accumulating inside. i find a spot to sit in, there mustve been about 5 people around. i look like im suffering, really really suffering, holding my head, moving my body back and forth, moaning and shit, AND NO ONE CARES!!! people look, or they dont look, they doing their own thing or they talking to each other, and not one person even says "hey man are you ok?" shit! they either dont see, dont know, or too scared to make a connection.

see this is sort of thing makes me realize how fucked up this planet is. guys who shot up columbine and virginia tech were in a similar situation. i dont support those guys but they were hurting and what did people around them do? they either did not see, did not care, or were quick to make fun of them. how the fuck can you make fun of someone who is hurting? that really pisses me off. thats why in this society they are quick to either lock you away to some mental insitution/prison/jail, or they ignore you like everything is good cuz they too blind to realize what is going on. and then when stuff like virginia tech happens everyone is running around with their hands holding their heads "OMG, THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! HOW COULD WE LET THIS HAPPEN?" you dumb fuck, you never cared enough to reach out now you complaining cuz it backfired. maybe if you showed your concern before students were dropping like flies you couldve prevented the massacre.

my whole point is human beings are some fucked up creatures, it makes me kinda ashamed i am one of them sometimes. all the fucked up things they do to each other and then they have every excuse in the book to cover up their mistakes. all this fucked up shit humans are doing to animals, each other, and other nations/races/cultures makes me sick to my stomach. i cant even eat meet anymore after i seen how they torture the cows, chickens, and pigs before they slaughter them. sometimes i think this bad karma humans are putting out there is gonna come back to us and whipe us all from this planet, a big fucking commit is gonna land on this bitch and nuke us all into space.

maaaan the semester is almost over, i havent done SHIT for my homework, and im kinda thirsty so im gonna go drink my orange cream SOBE. this whole planet may be going to hell before we know it, but i got shit to do so fuck this computer lab and everybody in it. im outta here...

I think too much!!.......

i am so fucking pissed right now. after my class im walking to the library and there is this Samoan girl walking with her friend, she looking at me. i look away then look back she still looking. then im right behind her and when we go in she tells her friend something, she turns around, looks at me, turns back then leaves the Samoan girl by herself. and im thinking "should i go say hi? is this a proper thing to do? ive never done this before. not like this." then as i walked to the bathroom i came out looking if shes around. went to the mall to get some orange chicken. couldnt stop thinking about it the whole time and now im pissed. shit!

all these rules im creating for myself on how to live and socialize, you know rules like FUCK FEAR! and some other stuff, im not even applying them cuz i think too damn much! DAMN IM SO FUCKING MAD!

and i dont even like Samoan girls you know, they all kinda odd looking, but this girl was different... thick ass like a black girl, thick thighs and legs like a black girl, whole body like a black girl. a tomboy type of girl but proper, you know like proper jeans, the way she wears em, proper snickers, proper everything, nice hair cut and her face was ok. cuz honestly, i dont care about looks ONLY IF YOU PROPER! i love girls like that man, i was just listening to LL's "you and me" with kelly price on my ipod, and that shit drives me crazy. id just be listening to love songs like these fantasizing about being with girls like this. its like i have a hole in my chest and a girl like i described above is the only one who can fill it. just us hanging out, being together, chilling, talking, fucking, whatever. man......... i guess its that feeling ive always lacked, maybe its love, i dont know. but i need that shit. i need it now!

i mean ALL I HAD TO DO WAS COME UP TO HER, TAP HER SHOULDER AND SAY "HEY, I SAW YOU AND I JUST WANTED TO SAY HI". THATS IT!!! SHIT!! DAMN!!! i think too much with shit like "ah man, what if shes this mean bitch" or "what if her and i dont click at all. what if she got her head up her ass". and it sux cuz the more i think the less im able to pick up on these clues when girls want me to talk to them, and even if i pick up on them i START THINKING! fucking dumb ass!!!!!!! JUST DO IT YOU FUCKING DUMB ASS AND STOP THINKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB SHIT!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK FUCK FUCK. whatever, im smart, i got intellect, and lots of intelligence. just cuz im shy and never had any male role models dont make me dumb, im just really really mad right now.

that is all

I almost had an emotional breakdown today

i thought i was gonna lose it. the first part of the day was great, me and my female friend chilled at her dorm for a few hours, she is so cool, the coolest girl ive met in years. its like anything i say she never judges it. we left to our class and afterwards we departed ways, i felt fullfilled and loved, like someone truly cares about me for once. damn she really is a good person, i just wish women would be more open and positive like her, cuz i swear all i get is attitude, negativity and rejection, im at a point where im tired of women's bullshit and dont wanna deal with them anymore.

the rest of the day was shit. first off the girl in my class. i was so scared to talk to her but you know my mentality is FUCK FEAR! so im like whatever i go outside in a hall during our break and just hang out, when she comes out and goes to the bathroom i wait till she comes back and pull her to the side, chat a lil then im like "me and you should hang out sometimes" so shes like 'we should' as shes walking away from me 'well talk about it after class blah blah' so im like um........ ok. after class i come up to her and ask her if she got any classes shes like 'no' im like damn well i gotta class right now let me get yo # so we can hang out later on. then she gave me this "im annoyed" look and said 'let me get yours instead' so im standing there like WTF!? she writes down my # and i walk away feeling good thinking "oh man i did it yeah!" then the more i think about it the worse i feel, thinking to myself "DAMN BITCH! WHY CANT YOU JUST TELL ME OFF!? WHY GO THROUGH ALL THIS BULLSHIT "OH YEAH, WE SHOULD HANG OUT LETS TALK" JUST TELL ME NO! IM NOT INTERESTED IN YOU, I GOTTA BOYFRIEND, GIVE ANY EXCUSE IN THE BOOK! JUST STOP ACTING NICE WHEN ALL YOURE DOING IS MAKING ME THINK YOURE INTERESTED WHEN YOU NOT! STUPID ASS BITCH! uuugghhh that shit drives me crazy! i hate nice girls, grow some fucking balls bitch! shit... i guess nice girls really hurt my feelings cuz i dont get what they want, and they not brave enough to tell me so they can be talking to me for weeks just not to hurt my feelings and when i find out in the end it hurts me even more. its like WTF!? WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME THIS FROM THE GIT GO? DAMN! i dont know, im nice myself but really wanna learn how to tell people str8 up. cuz not doing it is annoying as hell.

then im in my class like whatever, its over and then i get my test back, its an F. i feel rejection once again, my own fault i didnt study and feel even worse. then when i left im at a bus stop, its late and its freezing, im in my button up and start shivering, then im like 'omg the girl from PSI story could appear now omg!' and fear kicks in, rejection on my mind, i start shivering from cold, it turns into paranoia shaking. im standing there with my body shaking like pootie in i love new york filled with fear mixed with rejection times 3 and madness, i really thought i was gonna lose it. people around me probably thought something was really wrong with me, i dont know. i was just standing there with my mouth and body shivering like im in the snow butt naked, you know them people that be shaking and then they look like they about to start crying? thats sort of how i looked. i dont know how long i can keep on living like this i really feel like i need people like my female friend in my life, otherwise i may have an emotional breakdown and it scares me, really really scares me.

Im tired............................

First off i wanna give a shout out to Trojanman and NunUthadan, the only two people who come through and show me love in this bitch.

I am so tired of everything right about now. if i had a wish i would find me a bitch that makes my dick as hard as a rock as well as stimulates my mind, and get the fuck away from EVERYONE, go live somewhere in the mountains for at least 6 months. damn if i could only get away like that id feel so good.

im tired of school, im tired of being alone, im tired of my roomate and his friend that came over the weekend, im tired of them being in my room, im tired of being soft, im tired of being gullable, im tired of always saying the wrong thing, im tired of offending people, im tired of not being socially intelligent, im tired of homework, im tired of not getting enough sleep, im tired of being skinny, im tired of being scared, im tired of living, im tired of being negative, im tired of having bad thoughts of beating people up, im tired of watching everyone have their moment in life that changes them from being an unhappy miserable piece of shit to a happy newborn self and im tired of me never having my moment that sets me free, im tired being undecisive, im tired of hating confrontations, im tired of never standing up for myself, im tired of not being assertive, im tired of morons, im tired of ignorant idiots, im tired of narrow minded people, im tired of selfish pieces of shits that think only of themselves, im tired of me always thinking about me, im tired of being alone, im tired of being selfish at times, im tired of not understanding things, simple things, im tired of playing a role of a victim, im tired of caring what others think about me, im tired of people who never say nothing when i greet them, im tired of people never keeping their word, im tired of my piece of shit computer being slow and weird, im tired of video games, im tired of having apathy, im tired of feeling depressed, im tired of peoples bullshit, im tired of peoples lies, im tired of my life coach that piece of shit is NOT no life coach, im tired of him not giving a fuck about me yet acting like he does, im tired of doing nothing, im tired of being sexually frustrated, im tired of being sexually confused, im tired of being confused about almost every thing in life, im tired of fear, im tired of anger, im tired of my family and them never seeing me or who i am, im tired of people who judge me before i have a chance to speak, im tired of never being heard, im tired of being treated like a kid, im tired of not having confidence, im tired of not having self respect, im tired of crying, im tired of not caring, im tired of caring, im just fucking sick and tired, of being sick and motha fucking tired. im tired... of million other things i cant list or dont remember to list right now. im also tired of never knowing anything, not knowing should i go left or should i go right, tired of always taking the wrong path, tired of not learning from my own mistakes, tired of feeling like i need someone to take care of me, tired of feeling like i cant survive on my own. this shit can go on forever but i am really really tired...

Ive been in this motha fucking computer lab for the last 2 hours...........

and so far i havent done shit!!! and this is how i do homework. its like i dont care, if i did all my work it wouldnt matter cuz i got nothing else to do! i got nothing to look forward to, i got no plans, i got no future, i got no fucking life!

my mom thinks if i go to school and get my degree all my problems will be solved, that i will grow up and be a man, but i dont even know what in the fuck im getting this degree for! you mean to tell me just cuz i got a piece of paper that says i completed UC then everything will be good? HELL NO! maybe thats why i stretch out these study sessions and im thinking maybe i have a learning disability. its like i dont fully understand what i read cuz I DONT CARE! i dont care about my stupid classes, i dont care about school, i dont care about reading a book, i dont care about even watching a movie sometimes, i swear i feel like whatever i do just comes back to me thinking about me and my problems so in a way i cant just escape and absorbe whatever im reading, watching, or listening to. its crazy and maybe somethings wrong with me.

i think its just that i dont take care of what i need to take care of and whatever i do just makes me think about how fucked up i am so i relate EVERYTHING to me and my life. like im in my class and my teacher is talking "class i had a great weekend, my wife blah blah and my 2 kids blah blah" and im sitting there thinking "BITCH! YOU GOT A WIFE, 2 KIDS, AND HERE YOU ARE TELLING ME ABOUT HOW HAPPY YOU ARE!? FUCK YOU! STFU!!! I DONT WANNA HEAR THIS SHIT BITCH! I CAME HERE TO LEARN NOT HEAR YOUR STUPID ASS RAMBLE ABOUT YOUR HAPPY TIMES" thats what goes through my head. thats like that with almost everything that i DONT HAVE. i get mad and nothing matters, the material im supposed to learn, or even the movie im watching, i cant even enjoy the shit cuz it comes back to me thinking about all this shit im lacking.

id drop out of school but thats the thing, i dont care about anything else either. ahh whatever im gonna go back and really try to finish this piece of shit paper, or least get like 2 pages in before i go home. i got 2 to do plus study for my anthropology test. shit.... at least i got a study partner, i had enough balls to ask this girl if i can borrow her notes and she turned out to be a cool friend. nothing serious though cuz she is like 17 and id get some serious prison time if i try to do anything with her.

ahhhhhhh fuck this, back to studying with surfing the web and checking my e-mail every 5 minutes.

Negative thouhts

i been reading Trojanman's blog from the beginning and there are so many things i can relate to, negative thoughts is like this huge problem i got with myself.

I was out clubbing on saturday night and i always hated dancing, oh man how i hated dancing. Not cuz i hate dancing but cuz i just cant dance and let lose, move to the beat not giving a fuck. Its cuz 1) i do got rhythm but i look like a fucking idiot dancing 2) i KNOW that i look like a fucking idiot dancing and 3) i have a very negative view of myself, i mean its a lot better then before but i still got a long way to go.

so saturday im like whatever, i eat a thc cookie right and im like yeah im going out. and for whatever reason i dont feel the effect of the weed cookie i just ate, so im at a club and my friend is like wtf man, why you sitting there by yourself? and im like cuz i like it. then when he disappeared some songs came on i like, and its like man i can not dance to just anything especially if its some garbage ass music i hate or dont relate to, or if its new to me. you know, I GOTTA KNOW THE BEAT BY HEART IN ORDER FOR ME TO WANT TO MOVE AND DANCE TO IT. so once that type of song came on i started moving and shit, i drank the bear that my friend handed to me and got a lil lose. then danced a lil more when more songs came on and then..... souljah boy's song came on and i was like AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHIIIIIIT I LOVE THIS!!!


so im like yeah bitch im moving around and im busting moves left and right, like nothing fancy but you know how they dance in the video, going backwards on the "YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU" part, and doing the zoom zoom move like in lil boosie video right. and then in the back of my mind im like "dude, youre WHITE! stop emberrasing yaself for Christs sake" and im like STFU!!! IM ENJOYING MYSELF FUCK YOU!! and the voice is like "nah fuck you! you look like a complete fuck tard those 2 brothers over there watching everyone probably think youre some dumb ass stupid wigger, i mean you move with rhythm but shit is corny man" and im like damn, why cant i fucking get rid of this negative garbage in my head and enjoy life? shit, its so fucking stressful.

i was thinking about this too last night and all day today and every time i thought about me dancing to that song and just let lose i felt soooooooooooooooooooooo uncomfortable, its like i wanna take a gun and blow my brains out uncomfortable. that negative talk and negative view of myself is preventing me from doing things i really wanna do in life and dancing to some beat i really really love is one of them.

so many people think being white is a privilege, its like being white is some sort of a fucking cure to all deceases and to living a stress free, do what you want type of life. WRONG! you dumb hoes have no clue how this shit feels. its like i know all the stereotypes of white folks and i cant speak for them cuz i was sort of raised secluded and never felt like i belonged anywhere. and i wanna do what i wanna do but its like this negative piece of shit in the back of my mind "hold the fuck up! you white, you cant dance and look good. you cant crump and look normal. you cant wear bright colors and look tight" and you know the fucked up thing is? i agree with that shit man!!! i do look retarded in bright colors cuz im pale, i do look like a fucking idiot dancing, and i got all these rules i gotta work with cuz i really wanna just find something I look good in and then buy that shit, you know. but thats just clothes though, dancing is a whole new ball game.

all im saying im sick of this negativity and i just wanna fucking let loose in a club and dance to whatever the fuck song i love dancing to. i remember when i went out clubbing by myself last year on the new years eve. man i didnt give a fuck for some reason, then my favorite song came on, blow the whistle, and i was like awwwwwwwwwww shit awwwwwwwww shit aaaaaaawww shit, i run up to some girl i talked to earlier like wanna dance? shes like no, i look at her friend wanna dance? shes like yeah and im like LETS GO! i went all out!!! not giving a fuck (then the dumb ass 'tell me when to go' came on and i was like maaaaaaaan fuck this garbage! ruined the whole fucking mood)

just wish i had those type of moods every time im trying to accomplish something, and less of this negativity in my mind. my friend said all this negative bullshit towards myself and others comes from never speaking my mind and telling people what i feel and want, and i think he is right.

After going to a club...

I feel like a complete useless shit. Somebody who is a waste, or crippled. Somebody who has an invisible duck tape over his mouth and is unable to say what he wants or feels. And my friend left me there this time, i really got into dancing, drank 1 bear and was a lil high and they started playing one hip hop song here the other hip hop song there. I was feeling the vibe and started dancing, then dancing more, warming up, but then they start playing stupid music man, and i just went in and out, that sort of phase. Dancing not dancing, i dont know. Then by the time i got the text message i was like damn, i better go before im late for Bart.

Then when i get to a bus stop i get texted that my friend brought someone home and wants me to "do him a favor" i was like WHERE THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO GO? anyway, i was gonna go catch a bus and then sit outside till they finish but he called me before even bus came told me they finished. I was vexed, its like i swear i feel like a 12 year old watching adults do their thing, and then wanting to talk to me about it how they do it when they do it and with whom they do it. I REALLY no i mean REALLY hate talking about it, thinking it, or hearing it.

I dont know, maybe clubs are really not my thing. Maybe i should just stick with day time socializing. At that club i had 1 girl all over me, she was drunk ill admit, but i had absolutely NOTHING to say to her, my mind was BLANK! i told her she got some moves and she started telling me how much she loves madona asking me what type of music i listen to. I dont know, i guess it stemmed from not going out on the regular and not approaching and talking, or maybe from not trying new things. Anyway, if there is an ugly girl that nobody wants her in a club i would not be able to get her home, its that bad. It's almost like censorship, i got this weird inability to assert myself.

I thought i can learn something from my friend but he said "i told you im not gonna socialize w/ anybody, i might be in love. what would you do if you went to a club being in love?" i dont know maybe its cuz im high right now but i felt like its the equivalent to asking a 2 year old baby "what would you do to your wife after you marry her?".

anyway, damn i feel like im just putting a bunch of random thoughts in and each paragraph doesnt make sense, ahaha. whatever, its me spizzy jizzy. um, the bouncer let me in for $9 even though they charged $10, haha i rule.

OMG I ALMOST FORGOT!!! when we were walking to the club downtown, this one cute sister walking with her mom the opposite way right. so i look at her and she is checking me out! like a quick up and down im checking you out look. then i keep looking at her as im walking and they passing me to my left, then i start smilng and she TURNS and looks at me!! OH SHIT, THAT WAS THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY DAY! i managed to established eye contact and at least play the non-verbal game for once, damn. lol...

oh yeah and if you reading this and you got something bad to say? FUCK YOU! you dont like my blog? FUCK YOU! you gotta problem with the way i write it?? FUCK YOU!! anything else you got negative to contribute... FUUUUUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!!! FUCK YOU FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!

2 white fat chicks with a brother came in, and i leaned over and told one of them "both of you are fine as hell'. and if you got a problem with that then... FUCK YOU!!! BITCH!

What is the point of talking to women if eventually...

theyll find out that im a lonely person w/ out friends? I mean seriously, i dont think there is any "normal" woman, or a person, that would wanna stick around. Today i was planning on seeing I Am Legend with Will Smith but when i found out it comes out next month i got so fucking mad. Its like this was the ONLY plan i had for today, going to the movies by myself, and even THAT shit got ruined. What else is there? I dont go to events, i dont go to concerts, wtf else can i do to enjoy this fucking life? Damn...

then i went to Walgreens to get some candy and there was this fine ass girl right behind me in line and i thought of waiting for her outside and then talking a lil, maybe get her # but then i thought... WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT? she probably one of those girls who goes out every weekend, parties with her girls, has men approach her left and right, and there is me... this lonely, miserable fuck who has problems talking to people, and all this other shit im going through. Its like damn, i dont know what to do anymore but i think i need a shrink, just someone to talk to so ill feel better, not that it would help my social life just you know, talking to someone who can listen to me about my problems, thats it. Some sort of a fucking human contact where i would need nothing in return just someone who can listen to all this bullshit im going through.

Then on my way home i stopped by this place to get a salad and garlic bread and i saw this girl i met during the summer. She got a fiance and been trying to cheat on him with me but its like... i dont even know how to do that so shes probably all frustrated. I dont know, i guess i really dont understand women and afraid to make these offers to them, or when i do make offers i make them at the most inappropriate time. When me and her were on a bus stop she was like yeah me and my friends are going out blah blah but you know, i think im gonna go back home now its kinda cold, etc.. should i have asked her to come chill with me? i dont know... So i just chatted with her, took the same bus then told her to call me if she wanna hang out later on. She gave me this "this guy is clueless" laugh, it really made me feel like shit. Its like yeah, maybe i am clueless, it just really pisses me off. I already asked her one time that when i texted her over the phone if she wanna come through my place drink wine and watch a movie, she said maybe then was acting weird and stuff, then started texting me in some sort of language, or whatever it was.

Life really stinks man, seems like i have nowhere to go and nothing to do. And if i do my lonelyness gets the best of me. Its like all these people complaining about their problems have the basic needs, they got the social life, the sex life, and they know how to survive on their own. I got none of those and seeing them complain about BIGGER problems that i have YET TO GET TO makes me sad, depressed, and really really mad. Its like damn im struggling to get this basic shit you got already and you complaining about having a fight with your girlfriend? shit... i wish i had your problems. It really pisses me off when those type of people start looking down on me for whatever reason, like when a black man who has so much going for him look down on me cuz im white, like he hates me cuz im white thinking i got everything and that my skin color gives me privilege, yet he is so much better off then me he is too blind to even realize that.

Whatever... i was really really mad earlier but now im just sad as hell.. its like why? why am i here and most importantly... what do i do? what goals should i set? how do i get better? i have no fucking clue... and if i dont know... then who does?

I got no life

damn, i am sitting here TRYING to do my homework, yet i dont give a FUCK about school. and then im thinking well, if i dont care about school why the fuck i still go? and the answer is, cuz i got nowhere else to go and nothing else to do. If i drop out my mom is not gonna support me or help me out in any way so im gonna have to get a 9-5 job. and where? doing what!?

i got no goals in life, no ambition, no motivation, and honestly i feel like this is some sort of a movie. Many times i have mini second flash backs. Sort of like within a split second i realize that im here in this body trapped for this entire lifetime, its a trip i cant explain it. But in a way its a reality for all of us, its just i think the isolation made me think and feel this shit im experiencing. Its like sometimes i feel like its an error im in this body living this life and having this reality. Within these flashbacks i sort of wander off feeling like im somewhere else living another life or something, and then when the reality hits me like AHHH SHIT!!! I HAVE TO DEAL WITH ALL OF THIS CRAP??? DAMN!!!

No wonder i got a hard time with women, im probably the type of guy girls run away from and avoid like the plague. But fuck that i dont care, this is my reality and my problems, just like guys who these bitches go crazy for, but yet those guys beat them half to death, thats their problem and the shit they gotta deal with.

I just felt like posting this cuz im literally sitting here filled with apathy, i was supposed to do the readings for the paper to be finished by this friday and i have read maybe 1 page, and i had the entire day to do it. its veterans day, my day off!!!

Fuck everything, my life is a joke and i can see why im so damn lonely and have no human contact. I been doing this same shit for so long it has become a condition, like a fucking slave living on plantation. FUCK im going crazy here!! and i dont know where to go or what to do to change this piece of shit reality that im stuck in...

The Hood and me

ok, i been thinking about this shit lately and actually its always on my mind.

im living in a semi-hood area, we got some shootings here, some drugs here and there, but generally i dont think its that bad. there is gentrification going on, and these dumb ass politicians are trying to kick out all the black people on section 8 and its still considered not such a nice neighborhood. and you know, the way i feel about black people is weird as hell considering that im white.

its like... i wanna be here, in fact, fuck that.. i wanna be in an all black ghetto. its like, not that i wanna be living there cuz its cool and im this dumb ass brainwashed white dude who listens to too much gangsta rap, buts its more because of this feeling inside. its wierd but its like, i cant get rid of it. and ive tried in the past, cuz you know black people dont treat me that great sometimes. some look at me and be like 'psssttt', others just kinda look down on me, and there are a few who give me respect for whatever reason. so you know as a result i thought fuck that, im gonna go live in some suburb and leave everything behind and forget, but that love deep inside my chest wont go away.

there is this part in Malibu's Most Wanted where they take B-Rad to South Central, and then they bring him to an all black club there and they ask him "so how do you feel" and the dude goes.. "i feel... like im at home". so many people were probably watching that shit like its some joke but to me.. thats the exact feeling im talking about. its weird as shit and i only feel it for African Americans. i mean i aint a peoples person, i aint tough, i dont even know how to handle myself in the streets, and that gets me mad cuz im thinking will i ever be happy living away from all this ghetto culture that i love and want to be part of? its like i feel some sort of spiritual connection, but i know i cant be living in no ghetto with black folks without problems, lots of problems. i feel good just seeing people walk around and shit, its so fucking wierd. but anyway, the point i was getting to is... FUCK! i forgot..... anyway,

all i think about is places like South Bronx, Harlem, Queensbridge, ya know.. and its scary and shit, like i know id probably get harrassed there and tested, but its like i also cant stop fucking thinking about it!! its like, its always on my mind! and i had a black dude tell me one time "if you werent raised there you shouldnt try to help people in the ghetto", maybe he was right. i just dont know how to stop thinking about it and i dont know how to stop caring neither. was i born and got killed in one of those places my last lifetime? shit, i dont know.

um... but anyway, yeah.. its like if everything goes to plan ill be moving outta here in a few months and im just not sure where ill end up. cuz honestly, i dont even know how to survive on my own, having a 9-5, paying rent, and managing money and shit, i have no clue how id be able to find a place in some hood, where i can stay close, connected, and be able to help out the folks there.

PSI story...

This happened to me about 5 hours ago...


I am at my college campus looking for a nice quiet spot where i can review my notes and go home early. So i find this perfect place i was never in before, its completely secluded, on the second floor of the main building where all the student unions are in. It has a bunch of sofas with a few small round stands in between to put the notes or drinks on. To my right is a bunch of tinted windows that lets me see the outside, but its pretty dark and its about 8pm. And for whatever reason i just CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT THIS GIRL. She is the first girl i EVER spit game to back in my community college. I saw her again about a month earlier but never asked her out cuz i felt there was no chemistry.

Anyway, im thinking to myself "i have got to see her again, i have to tell her". So im sitting there wanting to talk to her, the more i think about it the more i want her to come. Then im like ok let me try something. I close my eyes and start talking to her, telling her to come see me, telling her the location of the building and that if she on campus i want to talk to her. I do this over and over again. Then i visualize this bright, shiny, lightening in one line connected to my head that leads all the way into the Universe connected to the God force, with a second one coming back to Earth connected to her. I keep talking to her telling her the location of the building, and where im at. I do this for about 5 maybe 10 minutes. Then i just hang around some more thinking about her and leave the campus to go home.

Right as I cross the street... I see her walking towards the same bus stop not even 30 feet in front of me. The fear kicks in right away but i think to myself whatever man i gotta do this. She sits down and then i come sit right next to her and we just fluff talk... feels like i like her and she likes me but... it ends up where it ALWAYS ends up... us having a hard time forming a conversation, with these awkward moment of silences... after a few minutes i tell her "you always this quiet?" she says no, shes not the quiet type. and i say maybe its just me, she smiles and tells me "nah, trust me.." and this is where i just say whatever i wanted to tell her, "you know, some girls i talk to..... i can talk to them all day, but when i talk to you... its like... nothing comes... and i was thinking of asking you out but....... maybe we just dont click". I sit there and after a few more seconds she asks me some off the wall, nothing to do with the conversation type question, i answer it, then my bus comes.

When i got on that bus i felt like a fucking superman!!! It was this feeling of freedom, finally telling someone what ive been thinking and feeling, something i do very rarely in my life which is why i think im so bitter, angry, and mad all the damn time.

And its funny cuz when i came home, my best friend Jay, who is also my roomate, is sitting there just started a movie called Reign Over Me, im talking about only a few seconds into it. he pauses it and says he was hoping ill watch it with him. We watch the movie and the Adam Sandler's character is.. well... me. That guy who is always to himself, has no friends, has no one that really knows him or understands him, someone who never shares any personal part of his life with anyone, someone who is really hurt either by others or by the experiences that life has brought him, someone who has family members try to help him but never find the right way to do it and sometimes end up hurting him in the process. I cried a few times watching that film thinking about my life and how different yet similar i am to that character. and I was only paying attention to the movie 50% of the time, the rest of my focus was thinking about the girl i talked to earlier and how it felt SOOOO GOOD after the conversation i had with her.

me and Jay talked for a while, and i felt and understood that in order to be trully happy, i have to share my world with everyone i meet, and tell them who i really am, where im from, how i trully feel, and what i want. Yeah its scary, and many people will reject me, hate me, and even try to hurt me, but its the only way to be happy. Otherwise ill be like that character in the movie, what was his fucking name, Charlie, with all the bullshit built up inside of him having random moments where he spazzes the fuck out for some stupid reason.

I feel like this day was put together, its like i just dont see myself watching this movie WITHOUT having that conversation, they wouldnt go together. This is the most intense PSI experience i ever had in my entire life, and it feels so good, its like im partially free and want that freedom to keep on growing and building into my true self, who i really am, whoever that may be.

Women and attitude

I was just done talking to a friend and im gonna say exactly what i told him. right now... I FEEL LIKE SOCKING A BITCH IN THE MOUTH! I am so fucking pissed at all these women with dirty looks, im talking about the "youre a creep" look, the "stop looking at me weirdo" look, and what about the "i cant believe you have the audicity to even THINK of spitting game at me" look. Today i have a fantasy of punching the fuck out the most stuck up, the most rudest, and the most finest bitch on the planet. I get so much negative energy from women its not even funny, and i think many men get that too its just that im so damn sensetive and take everything to heart. Its like why did God create me like this? I get so fucking mad at that. Especially in this culture, where a tough person who dont let shit bother him gets praised for the quality that HE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH, and a soft sensetive person gets shitted on for the quality that HE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH EITHER! That shit pisses me off!!!

I wish i had some VR type shit, like the Matrix, where i can enter it and run a program in which there is a fine ass bitch who got attitude through the ass, had a mean and a fucked up personality. Then i can just walk up to her and punch that hoe right in the mouth, it would be a good way for all that negative energy i got built up from all the women i ever walked by, met, or talked to, to be released back at one of the most fucked up females the world has ever seen. And yes she needs to be good looking, the more good looking the better, oh and please make her have attitude, lots of attitude, and throw in that happy-go-lucky "i get any man i want and anything i need is brought to me on a silver platter" look. Oh man i would enjoy this, just thinking about it makes me feel good.

I am sick of all the women complaining about men not understanding them. from the looks of things most of females dont understand men or what we go through. Im surprised im not gay, and i can see how dudes be turning as a result of how women treat em. I mean damn how long till a guy says fuck it im done with women, im fucking man now? Growing up i was always so confused "why dont women show me love? why dont they like me? i want to have sex with them but why dont they want to have sex with me?" yeah it could be naive way of thinking but hey i didnt have any sort of male role models so i was always confused about many things in this life. The way i used to talk to females was "hey do you gotta pencil?" cuz really, i left mine at home so i had to ask someone right? or um... "hey did we have homework?" her: yes/no. that was basically it. or my favorite, sitting in the back row looking at a girl fantasizing and have her thinking im some creep, LOL!

if any women reading this, yes there are many creeps and wierdos in the world, but know that there are many men who mean no harm, who wanna love you, fuck you, and just hang out n chill with you, they just dont know how to go on about doing that. if any dudes reading this who had good parents and had a father who tought them a lot of shit, stop your bitching and just be happy.

if you have anything bad to say about me or my blog EAT SHIT AND DIE!

Sometimes i hate everybody and everything...

Last night i wanted to make a rant post in my blog but i didnt. I was gonna curse out everybody and everything i hate, and believe it or not i hate a little bit of everyone and everything, even those people close to me. It's funny because i just told my roommate friend i need space and i basically asked him to leave me a lone and let me be for a while, he took it as i dont like him or i hate him or i dont wanna be his friend no more.

Its so funny i been a loner for the last 15 years, and many times it wasnt by choice, and after 15 years im so used to being alone that sometimes i need that, even when im around people. Its like if i had lots of friends id need to be alone away from them every now and then.

Back to the topic, I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING SOMETIMES! I hate my mother, i fucking HATE my father, i hate my soon to be step father, i hate my friends if i have any, i hate all the women who i know, some play games others play hard to get, others just in the background, i hate my life and how it turned out to be, i hate fear i fucking HATE fear, fear is the main reason why im so fucked up and i let it stop me almost every time in the past. anything i wanted to do i let fear stop me, and by the time i figured out that i need to keep doing what i want to accomplish regardless of fear being there, my fear increased from lets say 5 to 50. its like the longer you let fear control you the more fear youll generate, its weird but its true. anyway, and yes i hate myself sometimes.

im just bitter i guess, seeing people living out their lives, taking a full advantage of what life has to offer, while i remain alone, all by myself. and its funny because when im not alone, it gets to a point where i NEED to be, otherwise i feel like i cant breathe or something. it makes me mad when i see guys out with women, smiling, flirting, enjoying their time. it makes me mad when i see even shows like the wire, motha fucking politicians or even cops out talking, mingling, picking up women, going from hood to hood like it aint a thing, it really makes me mad. if i had a choice id edit all that happy go lucky crap out and leave all the things that go down in the hood im interested in. i fucking hate cops, alot of them is some selfish motha fuckers. i had a friend who was a cop, he was this typical alpha dominant male, who always knew what to say at the right time, always had a bitch by his side whenever i saw him. its almost like he brought one with him just to look good or something, oh man i hated that so much. and alot of the times i hate that fuck, telling me how much pussy he be getting and shit. then tried to get me pussy like im some helpless, powerless little boy. fuck that dumb ass, i hate that cunt man! i didnt want his hook ups, even if i remain alone all mylife i dont care. i either get it or i dont, fuck you trying to bring it to me like without you i cant function or something. go to hell. i fucking hate my innocent, naive, passive attitude, people like that cop always at some point leave me because of it. i dont know if its because im ashamed of it or maybe its because people dont wanna be around someone who hasnt fully grown up or matured yet.

i dont know, many people dont understand me because they not me. so when i feel distant and dont wanna be around them they take it personal. im just a dude who didnt go through what many kids at the age of 3 go through, and i guess its hard for someone to understand that. all the basic shit im learning now many guys learned it in diapers.

maybe its my lesson in this lifetime, maybe its karma that was passed from my ancestors, sometimes i dont know if this is gonna be life till the end or if change gonna come. and i fucking hate that too, me never knowing anything.

I feel great today! Making offers is the key to being a man...

at 28, i finally understand. I been around guys who charge men how to talk to women, im talking about if you suck at talking to women, there are guys out there that will take you out in the field, to clubs, coffee shops, book stores, etc.. and push you to go approach women. then after your approaches youll get quick feedback. what im getting to is, its all about making offers! ok, so i go up to a chick and i start getting into this conversation with her, and it leads somewhere God knows where, as long as im talking to her without making her an offer i am wasting my fuking time, and hers!

the last 2 days i been on fire. i wasnt being social, maybe a little bit, or act like im some pimp daddy who gets all the women, all i was doing was make offers, and i got a total of 1 number, one girl wants me to get at her next week, the other girl said she gotta b/f but introducer herself to me right after wards, and the last girl i just punched my # in her cell and told her to call me.

now it makes sense to me when i hear an advice like "ask some girls out", its not about being smooth, or knowing what to say at the right time, its about making offers, one after another, and then of course being yourself. im still figuring out what being myself trully means but im slowly getting there. rejection is my best friend, and afterwards these girls wont be guessing what i want from them cuz from what i understand there are far too many men who just talk and too afraid to express what they want verbally, i used to be one of them.

so fuck paying money for advice on women, thats nice and all i did it once and ill never do it again, but everything ive learned throughout my life i need to apply it in making these small offers. offer after offer, not just to go eat lunch but to do whatever, im in a club and enjoy a girls company, lets go sit over there on a couch, im vibing with her on a date lets go to your car and make out. they can either say yes or no, or maybe but even that means one or the other. without offers men are nothing in my opinion, powerless creatures who cant get what theyre after. damn, no wonder i been feeling so depressed and so lonely.

weed has helped me out a lot though, blazing opens up my mind and makes me realize lots of things. i want to get to a point in my life where my mind is open without THC in my system.

I am tired as shit of being so damn gullable

Motherfukers always take advantage of me.  Im talking about even when i put in work and help some people, they see my weakness and jump on it to use me.  I volunteer at this non profit youth center, everybody black there but my white ass.  So a while ago i decided to bring in some video games so everybody can enjoy it.  A few days ago i get a phone call from this dude asking me to bring some more games in, at first i was like alright ill make it for them, but then it got me thinking and the more i thought about it the madder i got.  The only reason that fuckers calling me is to use me, just like everybody else.  He wants games, or he wants this, or he wants that.  Its not to hang out and chill, or to do whatever, its to take advantage of me in some sort of way, and i been thinking about it and its sort of my own fault.  Its that self respect that i dont have for myself makes people not respect me neither, and it pisses me off!

Fuck that i aint making him shit! you want games go buy em.

Thank GOD i got a friend who been giving me feedback, cuz without him id probably woudnt even see this. Otherwise id probably be like 'yeah man, i love helping the kids here, you want me to do this for you too? sure! here you go..."
FUCK YOU BITCH! YOU WANT SOMETHING GO GET A FUCKING JOB STOP ASKING ME FOR SHIT CUZ IM DONE HELPING YO AZZ.

punk ass motha fuckers, i hate everybody right now and been real depressed lately.

Im supposed to work on my paper and i got 2 midterms on monday, and here i am creating this blog cuz i got so much shit on my mind. thats the story of my life, so dont care about anything, and wasting my life away not doing what im supposed to do cuz i got nothing going for me.

Props to Trojanman, hes the reason why i made this blog.  Its a great way to vent out and release anger, its sort of like therapy without a stupid ass shrink who talks more then he listens.