Negative thouhts

i been reading Trojanman's blog from the beginning and there are so many things i can relate to, negative thoughts is like this huge problem i got with myself.

I was out clubbing on saturday night and i always hated dancing, oh man how i hated dancing. Not cuz i hate dancing but cuz i just cant dance and let lose, move to the beat not giving a fuck. Its cuz 1) i do got rhythm but i look like a fucking idiot dancing 2) i KNOW that i look like a fucking idiot dancing and 3) i have a very negative view of myself, i mean its a lot better then before but i still got a long way to go.

so saturday im like whatever, i eat a thc cookie right and im like yeah im going out. and for whatever reason i dont feel the effect of the weed cookie i just ate, so im at a club and my friend is like wtf man, why you sitting there by yourself? and im like cuz i like it. then when he disappeared some songs came on i like, and its like man i can not dance to just anything especially if its some garbage ass music i hate or dont relate to, or if its new to me. you know, I GOTTA KNOW THE BEAT BY HEART IN ORDER FOR ME TO WANT TO MOVE AND DANCE TO IT. so once that type of song came on i started moving and shit, i drank the bear that my friend handed to me and got a lil lose. then danced a lil more when more songs came on and then..... souljah boy's song came on and i was like AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHIIIIIIT I LOVE THIS!!!


so im like yeah bitch im moving around and im busting moves left and right, like nothing fancy but you know how they dance in the video, going backwards on the "YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU" part, and doing the zoom zoom move like in lil boosie video right. and then in the back of my mind im like "dude, youre WHITE! stop emberrasing yaself for Christs sake" and im like STFU!!! IM ENJOYING MYSELF FUCK YOU!! and the voice is like "nah fuck you! you look like a complete fuck tard those 2 brothers over there watching everyone probably think youre some dumb ass stupid wigger, i mean you move with rhythm but shit is corny man" and im like damn, why cant i fucking get rid of this negative garbage in my head and enjoy life? shit, its so fucking stressful.

i was thinking about this too last night and all day today and every time i thought about me dancing to that song and just let lose i felt soooooooooooooooooooooo uncomfortable, its like i wanna take a gun and blow my brains out uncomfortable. that negative talk and negative view of myself is preventing me from doing things i really wanna do in life and dancing to some beat i really really love is one of them.

so many people think being white is a privilege, its like being white is some sort of a fucking cure to all deceases and to living a stress free, do what you want type of life. WRONG! you dumb hoes have no clue how this shit feels. its like i know all the stereotypes of white folks and i cant speak for them cuz i was sort of raised secluded and never felt like i belonged anywhere. and i wanna do what i wanna do but its like this negative piece of shit in the back of my mind "hold the fuck up! you white, you cant dance and look good. you cant crump and look normal. you cant wear bright colors and look tight" and you know the fucked up thing is? i agree with that shit man!!! i do look retarded in bright colors cuz im pale, i do look like a fucking idiot dancing, and i got all these rules i gotta work with cuz i really wanna just find something I look good in and then buy that shit, you know. but thats just clothes though, dancing is a whole new ball game.

all im saying im sick of this negativity and i just wanna fucking let loose in a club and dance to whatever the fuck song i love dancing to. i remember when i went out clubbing by myself last year on the new years eve. man i didnt give a fuck for some reason, then my favorite song came on, blow the whistle, and i was like awwwwwwwwwww shit awwwwwwwww shit aaaaaaawww shit, i run up to some girl i talked to earlier like wanna dance? shes like no, i look at her friend wanna dance? shes like yeah and im like LETS GO! i went all out!!! not giving a fuck (then the dumb ass 'tell me when to go' came on and i was like maaaaaaaan fuck this garbage! ruined the whole fucking mood)

just wish i had those type of moods every time im trying to accomplish something, and less of this negativity in my mind. my friend said all this negative bullshit towards myself and others comes from never speaking my mind and telling people what i feel and want, and i think he is right.