Im writing my final paper on African American youth and their upbringing, and there is this article called "The Impact of Fathers’ Absence on African American Adolescents’ Gender Role Development", and it is so on point its not even funny.
It basically talks about a bunch of research studies being done and in one case 40 boys were arrested, 20 father-absent boys had higher femininity then the 20 father-present boys. And the father-present boys are more likely to develop higher self-confidence in their masculinity. Then I keep reading it and it says in another study "feminine boys’ fathers had spent less time with them in infancy than had the fathers of masculine boys. Therefore, on average, father-present boys likely had more traits associated with masculinity than did father-absent boys." Im not black but that really tripped me out because i did have a father. I don't know about infancy years cuz i dont remember, but he barely spent any time with me even when i was like 5. In fact, he did spent time with me but we werent doing shit other then watch tv or go to some other city, or take a train somewhere. And we basically never talked about ANYTHING! I mean he didnt talk about himself, and he never asked me about me. Until this day i dont know who the fuck he is and i can say the same for him. NOTHING was brought up about confidence, girls, being a man, fighting, socializing, just anything that has to do with life. It was almost as if i was living with a fucking male blow up doll in a form of a father. Shit, you know what i mean.. he was useless!!
But im saying that bolded part is so on point its scary. I am feminine but not like in a gay way you know, i just have more femininity then masculinity. Like i don't act tough or dont resemble an alpha male. Im more reserved, and have a long fuse. I don't portray or resemble any femininity externally, its more on the inside. I remember when i was taking martial arts, the style was called Wing Chun, and my sifu was like "you have Wing Chun within you, you should take advantage of that". To make long story short i quit after a few years cuz honestly, im not a fighter and even if i was there 10 years id probably still suck and not be this tough guy who is quick to snap on someone and beat their ass. And you know he was telling us how this style was developed by a woman, saying that whoever moves naturally doing forms or wooden dummy has femininity to them, in other words someone like me.
What really pissed me off in the past is that my father was trying his hardest to get my mom pregnant. He couldnt for so long and he went to the doctors regularly, then after 2 years i start swimming in my moms stomach. You know i just didnt understand why you want me so bad when you dont know a thing about being a parent.
Its cool though, i been trying to get a hold of him for like a week but all my cousin #'s are dead. I got one more source though, hopefully it works.
1 comment:
fam.. i feel ya fam. i could relate. i had a bit emfeminant side when i was growing up and shit. my dad wasn't around for me even though he lived with me and did some shit with me. he talks about his past and shit BUT being that he lies a lot. being that my parents are always in conflict and doing some "i love you, i hate you" shit and they say shit about each other to me accusing the other of doing this and that shit and the past with the foul shit i seen my dad do. i find it HARD to actually get close to him cause he doesn't even bond with me like that.
but fam... i don't think that the whole masculine or feminine shit has anything to do with how somebody turns out. man... ya know... maybe you just don't got that tough guy attitude in you. you know.. i fantasize on being that tough guy too where i pull out guns on people and harm motherfuckers ya know.. but you know what... being a tough guy may get you plenty of women but that shit gets you plenty of drama too.
and the way shits out here, it ain't even worth it,.
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