Sick

arghhh... I feel like shit. it isn't the worst fever but it sucks. couldn't sleep all night with my nose running. then in morning realized I will not be able to work today. Maybe my body is telling me to stop treating it like shit. I work around 50 hours per week and some days sleep 2-5 hours per night. But I got no choice. One job ends and the other begings. I get home around 12:30am and gotta wake up at 6:30am for the next job in the morning. And a lot of times I can't sleep.

I don't know what I'm gonna do, but I am thinking of quitting one of these jobs. We'll see...

12/21/2012

So I was just going to bed feeling all calm and relaxed. I am really tired and haven't been getting enough sleep throughout the week, and then something happened. I jotted down the date... 12/21/2012 on my dream journal, and something stroke a cord inside of me.

The universe wants me to write this in my blog, and I will talk about something right now-FEAR!

The real truth is, I am scared. I am shivering right now and don't even know why. Maybe because of all that toxic poison that's been put into me through media and television about this date, and once I jotted down that date with a pen, it opened up that fear and let it go wild.

The truth is, I let fear run a big part of my life. I know I've been talking about all this self-improvement with how I approach women and face my fears, but the truth is I do it half assed. And here is what I mean by that. I do street approaches in the day, but I don't go to clubs, I don't go to parties, and I don't put myself out there. Why? Fear. I am scared of people. Everytime I think of being out in a social setting where people mingle, it scares me to death. I think it is ancestral fear. My ancestars have passed me this fear and I have inhertied. This is what the constalation workshops deal with and this fear is so real, I don't wish it on anybody. It isn't just fear, but that is what has been passed into me and I have been dealing with it damn near since birth. That is why I developed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and it gets really intense at certain moments. This is one of those moments, and the fact that it is cold right now make me shiver even more. I finally bought a real nice heater so at least I am heating my room right now.

But what set this set was me jotting down today's date, and then there is a storm outside. And you know SF is infamous for having small windy storms.

But this hit me the other day, the reason why I am so stuck and unsuccessful with 95% of women in the day game is because I don't ever do anything else! I don't go out, I don't go to parties, I don't go to events, I don't really have a life!!! I don't get myself involved in anything! How in the heck am I gonna be successful with women just by approaching them on the street? I may get laid once but that's about it. And even then, I don't even have my own place! So, getting laid is even farther from my reality than I imagined.

It was really intersting how prepared I was for today. I know it could either be today, 12/23/2012, or sometimes January, 2013, but once I lay in my bed and jot the date... BOOM... my best friend, my best buddy fear just knocked on my door.

I gotta say this; fear is my best friend. I learned so much from fear this lifetime, that I could never have imagined how much one could learn from just one element by experiencing it so much. I can talk to you about women all day and all night. Tell you about my philosophies and theories, but if I don't go out with women, have sex with women, have real, long lasting, healthy, unhealthy, and everything in between relationships with women, there is nothing I can say about women because I wouldn't know about women. Experiencing women is the only way I could learn a lot about them. Same goes for anything else. For me? The most I have learned about this time around is fear. I used to diss fear, say 'fuck fear' cuz I heard my friend say it, but now I don't think like that anymore. I love fear, it is my pal. If you want to understand something and learn about something, you can't just disregard it like it isn't there and throw negativity at it, imho you gotta embrace it and accept it fully. Yes, I am scared, and then move to the next step in understaind why, how, when, and where that fear stems from.

I have been through a lot of shit in my life, and I really hope I will get through this with fear understanding I am no longer letting it run my life. I was just thinking earlier laying down unable to sleep. I go through all my life completely alone. Everything I go through, I go through it alone. Sometimes I wish I had just one true friend whom I would be on the same vibration with. I love being alone, but sometimes this loneliness gets the best of me.

Oh, and I am completely done with marijuana. I blazed a few days ago because I was so stressed and realized right then and there that I no longer need weed. It freaks me out, it makes me paranoid, it makes me zone out like I am somewhere else, but the truth is we all do that WITHOUT weed but just not so intuned within that moment, and my body parts start jerking before going to bed. Mary J, you have been a good friend, but now I gotta go my own way without you. I no longer need you in my life because I have to face my fears of people, and all you do is just keep me comfortable when I am alone. I don't need to be comfortable. I need to step out of my comfort zone and make friends. And I can't possibly do that with you there because you make me paranoid of everything. If I was high right now, I would be so freaked out I would probably call the drug hot line like I did when I ate a brownie back in college.

Fear, I love you. Please keep teaching me about you because I want to know more.
Marijuana, I love you. Thank you for all the wonderful times I've had with you. But now I gotta move towards my goals instead of keeping myself in shackles by staying home and puffing until my lungs gets filled up with smoke, and my throat starts hurting where I am coughing for days at a time.

I ask the universe to please release me of all this fear and negativity, and connect me with everything and everyone so that I could feel much closer to humanity, and all that is and ever was.

Peace and love everybody, and good night. I really hope I will get some sleep tonight.

12/21/2012 is One Week Away

I can't believe it. We are 1 week away from the biggest date that has been talked about for the last 10 years by fear mongerers, new agers, spiritualists, scientists, illuminatists, and god knows how many more types of people.

I am at a point where I am less scared and more excited. The whole 3 days of complete darkness used to scare me, but now I am more interested in whether or not that will occur. If it does, at least I am ready for it mentally. If we all die, it will be just like any other deah for anyone. Either way, it is no big deal. All I know is that I need to keep on working on myself and face my fears. I gotta work on my career and plan on how I can get on my own two feet. Get my own place, get my own JOB where it is STABLE, and find my own life in this world. I want to build a place I call home.

It's really interesting that this has been my goal since I have been in college. This was about 10 years ago. My goals were as follows: 1) find a job, 2) get a car, 3) find my own place. Now 10 years later, I am still doing soul searching and accomplishing those 3 goals. Even though the first 2 have been accomplished, #1 is not very stable, and once it is I will start working on #3.

Anyway, that's it for now. I know December 21st isn't set in stone because some say that the actual alignment date will take place on December 23rd, and there is also a possibility that it could be as late as January 2013. We will see, either way. Time will have the final say. Hmm... time... what a funny element it is. My biggest question about this whole 2012 phenomenon is, will something happen with 'time'? In other words, will time cease to exist; at least in the way we look at it. The one dimentional flow of time that never ceases to stop. Where we could only go with the flow. Where time just travels forward, never backwards. What will happen if time changes its course or lets us chose the course for it? Just something to think about.

Until next week, may the galactic alignment bring the best and most powerful forces in the universe to you and everyone you know. Peace and love, people. We are all in this together having our own individual journeys, learning our own individual lessons in this thing called life.

THE WORLD IS MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So it hit me today. THE WORLD IS MINE! IT'S MINE!!!!!!!!!! I asked this Palestinian girl out at my work from a different floor and she said yes. I said to myself that I gotta do some approaches before the date because I was nervous. Approached 2 women in the mall. felt the adrenaline running through my veins like WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! so I am all charged up like BRING IT ON! and she tells me she cant get off just yet. I tried to schedule it sometime later but said fuck it, NEXT WEEK. so i got a date in 1 week.

isn't it funny? a Jewish guy dating a Palestinian girl. I know my uncle from Canada is gonna have a heart attack but I DONT GIVE A FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so after the date didnt go through I was like fuck this and went to the mall. on the way there I noticed something, NO ONE CARES! No one is paying any attention to me, no one is watching me, no one notices me, no one cares what I am doing, NO ONE GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT ME! I started to scan the area, front, sides, back, and it was like I woke up for the first time. I started to see things I haven't seen before. 1 brother spitting game at this chick, 2 16 year olds in the mall were trying to talk to 2 girls (happened a few days ago), and then as I got to the mall these words came to me... THE WORLD IS MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so pre occupied with worrying how people see or perceive me, what they think of me, what they think when they see me approach a girl, that I never realized that not only are most people miserable and never face their own fears, but they also DONT CARE ABOUT ME. In fact, when that brother was spitting game, and she turned his ass down of course, NO ONE EVEN NOTICED BUT ME! it seemed like they were both part of the crowd.

so to sum it all up, i hit on 4 more women (6 women in total) 1 of which was a girl at Samsung station

her: what do you want? (asking me about which product i wanna test)
me: I wanna get your phone # :)

1 mixed tall girl, with her lesbian g/f right behind her haha
1 married black woman who lit up when i said hi
and a couple of miserable women whom i wouldnt touch with a 6 foot pole

it was cool. i came out on top as a victor who conquered his fears. it would really be nice to have a wing man who i am friends with, though. doing this alone is extra hard. i just got so tired cuz i worked since 9:30am and was walking around looking for potential marks/targets. my feet were hurting at the end of the day.

THE WORLD IS MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1 Month until Dec. 21, 2012

so I am chilling on my first laptop provided to me from my job, awaiting the most anticipated date in our lifetimes. so much shit been happening with me I haven't talked about.

I ordered a bunch of shit I been meaning to buy for a LONG ass time. Funny thing is, it's BLACK FRIDAY but none of the shit I bought was on sale. What type of shit is that? That's why I don't fuck with Black Fridays. They only let you have shit they want to get rid of for dirt cheap. Everything else you gotta pay a regular fee. But I am really excited when I get all the goodies in mail, except one that that I gotta pick up from Best Buy.

I gotta work tomorrow and I hear it's gonna be CRAZY. Mad customers and many of them will be cheap. But I don't care. I am excited and looking forward to it. I have never worked retail on holidays, and especially on Black Friday of all days.

what else. oh yeah, I got a car and fixed it up real good already. 2 more things I gotta fix in it and it should be set. My CC bill will be over 1k but I deserve it, and can afford it since I am working. half of the bill is something that I need, the other half is just for the stuff I been holding off on buying.

One guy at work has figured me out and I am kinda nervous. He asked me why I act like I never had sex, so I had to lie to him a little. He wanna hang out and I am open. I just gotta tell him that I am real new at parties and it is an area I suck at. But he is a cool brother. Always tells me about 40 year old virgin, lmao. He is like "that's how you get the girl! like Andy. you just be yourself and don't lie to her. tell her about your real situation." I wanna see how this all turns out. So yeah, there are some good peoples at work, and not just the negative parasites who judge others and look down on people. Met a cool ass girl in my department who is new. EVERYONE likes talking to her, even the 2 people who I had troubles with. The guy of the 2 actually starts talking to me now, and I think it's cuz I talk to everyone and was the first one talking to the new girl for like 3 hours. I am the shit, what else can I say? I don't judge people like I used to, stay to myself, and treat people how they treat me.

more on this later.

Die Antwoord - Fatty Boom Boom

saw this video at a bar that served me vegan pizza

Colorado Legalizes Marijuana

Holy balls! I wonder what is next...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/06/amendment-64-passes-in-co_n_2079899.html

the Power of Om (Aum)

Read the part what it says about power of chanting Om daily. I highlighted it and made it bigger fonts with blue color.

The Om (Aum) symbol is a sacred syllable representing Brahman, the impersonal Absolute — omnipotent, omnipresent, and the source of all manifest existence.

By sound and form, AUM symbolizes the infinite Brahman (ultimate reality) and the entire universe.

A stands for Creation
U stands for Preservation
M stands for Destruction or dissolution

This is representative of the Trinity of God in Hindu dharma (Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva)

The three portions of AUM relate to the states of waking, dream and deep sleep and the three gunas (rajas, satva, tamas)

The three letters also indicates three planes of existence, heaven (swarga), earth (martya) and netherworld (patala)
http://www.buddhastatues.org/om.htm


Turiya is a state of pure consciousness, or the experience of ultimate reality and truth. It is a fourth state of consciousness, the momentary silence after each chanting of Aum.


When you experience Turiya you realize nothing is real. Waking is not real, dream is not real, sleep is not real, the world of multiplicity is not real. If that is so, bondage is not real and liberation is not real.

You don't talk of liberation of the Self or Brahman. Liberation and bondage relate to the individual soul and the individual soul itself is unreal. Therefore there is neither bondage nor liberation.

However, this remarkable realization is experienced only through enlightened intellect. It is only upon waking up from a horrible dream that you realize there was no horror. While you are trapped in the dream world your experiences are very real to you. As long as the intellect has not been enlightened, even though you are in the state of Turiya all the time, your problems have not ended. You are trapped in a world, a dream within a dream. Only when you wake up from the long dream of the world-process through enlightenment do you understand your true identity as Turiya Consciousness.

Thus, meditation on Om--A, U, M, and the ardha matra--leads the mind gradually to the higher levels of samadhi in which all sublime truths are revealed.
http://www.yrf.org/Om2.html


The Power of Chanting Om:
1. The chanting of Om drives away all worldly thoughts and removes distraction and infuses new vigor in the body.
2. When you feel depressed, chant Om fifty times and you will be filled with new vigor and strength. The chanting of Om is a powerful tonic.
3. Those who chant Om will have a powerful, sweet voice.
4. Those who do meditation of Om daily will get tremendous power. They will have luster in their eyes and faces.

Meditation on Om:
Retire to a quite place, sit down, close your eyes and completely relax your muscles and nerves. Concentrate on the space between your eyebrows and quieten and silence the conscious mind. Begin to repeat "Om" mentally while associating the ideas of infinity, eternity, immortality, etc. You must repeat Om with the feeling that you are the infinite and all-pervading.
http://www.omsakthi.org/worship/mantra.html


Be patient and persistent and meditate on the formula of Om again and again. Gradually you will ascend the ladder of Vedantic wisdom in the proper way.


This sound can be heard as the sound of one's own nerve system, and meditators and mystics hear it daily, like the sound made by an electrical transformer or a swarm of bees, or a thousand vinas playing in the distance. It is a strong, inner experience, one that yogis hold with great reverence. Hearing it one draws near to God Consciousness. When we are living in the lower chakras, or when the world too strongly dominates our mind, this sound may, for a time, not be heard. But it returns as awareness withdraws, as the mind becomes perfectly quiescent, silent, still. Listen for this sound in your quietest moments and you will learn to recognize it as a daily encounter with the Divine that lives within all men, within all creatures, within all existence.
http://www.iloveulove.com/spirituality/hindu/omaum.htm


The difference in spelling ["Om" or "Aum"] is merely a matter of transliteration.
http://www.iloveulove.com/spirituality/hindu/omaum.htm

-taken from video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RlWy4hPN3uQ

Women with problems

So I bought a car about a week ago and was at DMV to get it registered. I see this one cute black girl around my height and weight. I was like damn I gotta talk to her. I was in line and she was in a different line so I didn't wanna go do it right then cuz it seemed out of sync. So I wait in line... My PTSD went through the roof thinking about it. I got more nervous, then more, and more until I felt like my heart is about to jump out of my chest. I was like... maybe I should think about not doing it so I'll feel better. Then Im thinking FUCK NO! The fear will go away but I'll feel like shit at the end.

So after 10 mins I get a # at the window to sit and wait. I see her sitting in the 2nd row. I'm thinking I'll just go up to her and holla. I get there and there is a seat next to her with some forms on it. I go up like I'm about to sit, she takes her forms while talking on the phone. I'm thinking... I'll just wait till she gets off the phone... then... I sit down next to her... she starts talking

Her: MAN, WHY DID YOU DO THAT? WHY DIDNT YOU JUST TELL ME THAT INSTEAD OF WAITING FOR SO LONG? THAT'S MESSED UP! NOW YOU GO AND TELL ME THAT?
*hangs up the phone*
YOU WISH YOU WERE MY MOTHER YOU STUPID ASS BITCH!
THAT'S SOME BULLSHIT! YOU WAKE ME UP IN THE MORNING JUST TO TELL ME JORDAN GOTTA GO? THEN YOU WANT ME TO WORK FOR YOU? WHO THE FUCK WOULD WANNA WORK FOR YOU WHEN YOU ACTING LIKE THIS? YOU KICKING OUT YOUR OWN SON IN THE MORNING? THEN MY COUSINS WANNA GO TO THE CLUB TO FLIRT. THAT'S SOME BULLSHIT, MAN!

then I turn to my left and look at her. she looks into the distance ahead of her without looking anywhere else...

Her: my mother could be real stresful sometimes...

I was thinking DAMN! This may not be the time or the place for me to do what I wanna do. I feel bad for her. At first I thought she still talking on her phone, with an earpiece but she was just venting all the stress her fam put her through. My family is just as dysfunctional, only we are not crazy dysfunctional, but more low key dysfunctional. Either way, it's all the same shit in the end.

I am still not sure if I should've said something, but felt like it was best not to.

Peace and love to her. Hopefully everything will work itself out in her fam.

join the Zeitgeist Movement!

I hope nobody assssinates Peter Joseph cuz he could be the next Martin Luther King, Jr., but not only for black people, but for the world!

this is why presidential campaign is a JOKE. it's all tied into religion, propaganda, and mind control. they got you all worrying about voting for a president when none of it matters who wins or loses and going to church because if you don't, youre going to hell. it's all a freak show to keep you occupied while they are getting rich with the corrupted banking system that has been created. anyway, i high recommend all watch Zeitgeist The Movie after this... and join the movement's mailing list. you can watch it for free on the website or youtube. www.zeitgeistmovie.com

Friends

let me ask you this. what do you consider 'friends'? are friends some people you got #s of from all your work place? are friends you always go hang out and party with and use them as wing men? are friends people you talk on the phone with? what about when things went BAD? who were your friends that came through?

honest to say, I don't have any friends. i know people at work. i have talked to everyone. more to some than the others, but long story short I came up to them and got their names. I know a few girls that are all over the place in different departments. now i can mess with them or at least ask one or 2 out, but so far i am keeping it cool. i dont know the rules of the workplace, and for god knows why I should stay away from girls there. now for reasons are obvious. i am a 33 year old virgin, no friends, VERY few family members, live with my mom, and hang out with myself 95% of my free time. so imagine me and a girl hit it off, then its time to meet 'me'-the dude outside of work. when she finds out about all this, it wouldnt be good. a strange chick i can dump and never see her again. but girls at work? hmm.. i dont know. different floors maybe, but the girl on my flood i really like i am afraid to make my move. point being is, part of me having no friends is that i am a true loner. i have been a loner for so long, it's hard for me NOT be one. I don't connect that well with groups of people. more on individual level though, but in a group? FUCK NO! sports, which team won, who is the next president? I DONT GIVE A FUCK, ALL OF YOU STFU ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!! so yeah, i find most people shallow as fuck and into 95% of shit i want nothing to do with. i dont give a fuck about bars or clubs, i dont care for yankees or giants. you wanna discuss meditation? reincarnation, out of body experiences, ancient civilizations, aliens, dreams? let's do this. but people in large groups i dont want nothing to do with. i even talk about shallow shit with 1 or 2 coworkers. but this other department we got, all they do is talk about sports, clubs, etc etc...

i met one guy coworker who got transferred last week into my department. he first appeared to be like me. even though i am white and he is bacl, he is very quiet, doesnt socialize too much and keeps to himself. he acts socially awkward? so bad, I had a weird time talking to him, ME, a guy who used to be just as bad even not worse than that. but then i learn that been with women but he from Florida and he says back there women are upftont, tell you if theyll cheat on you, if they wanna be with you, etc.. so here women are stuck the fuck up. so yeah, i just find it funny that even though you may think someone is like you, there is always something different about them. i guess we are all different. i was gonna write more shit but i am high and gonna go hit that pipe once again.

i wanted to release stress after seeing that big sports group left work together and that shy new dude went with them tlaking. i was thinking like 'DAMN! i guess he IS sort of like that. he is just mostly quiet'. anyway, learn something new every day. it made me feel that i really AM different. i really feel like i am from a different planet, of a different solar system. that planet could also be in higher dimensions, if there is such thing as planets. point being, i am really cuirious, fascinated, and needful of this knowledge of spirit world, and all its rules, reincarnation, past lifes. i almost want to see the BIG picture. outside of all this bullshit politics that is used to manipulate people like puppets, and propaganda in the news.

now i also hear that in 2012, dec. 21 that is when things will change. they will 'shift' so to speak. dimensional shift from 4d to 5d, and for some a world filled with war and chaos. it depends on where you're at mentally and spiritually. don't quote me on this but this is something that i keep hearing from different people like public speakers and youtubers. but it's definetly something to think about. im gonna go take a few more hits from my pipe.

peace god

can't fuck with me

so the whole job situation is getting resolved.

I been asking my spirit guides to give me some feedback on what the FUCK I am supposed to do and the verdict is this.... I dont give a FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!

I couldn't sleep all night cuz that girl who is all cute and purdy just unloaded all that negativity on me. bitch talking about how she is going on vacation but within 3 seconds already mentions how "im gonna go there for a week, only to come back to this shit". basically, telling me all the shit she hates about her job. I got so fed up i couldnt sleep. so much negativy WHOLY FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

so after the whole talk she had with her guy friend who ignores me, i come in today WITHOUT any sleep. and i basically ignore both their asses. they stand at the counter, i go wait by the clothese section greeting customers. they at the spot greedint customers, i am at the cashier.

it all boils down to this-ENERGY! however you feel inside and whatever you THINK, you will make other people feel a certain way. and frankly, I DONT GIVE A FUUUUUUUUUCK! i give these motha fuckers NO RESPECT. they have no respect for me, why the FUCK should I have any for them? I talk to everybody at work, and pretty much show them i can do what ever the FUCK i want and i dont gotta listen to their BULLSHIT or be around them negative motha fuckers.

you think you special? you think you deserve a VIP pass? get the FUCK outta here!!! GTFO of my face and go over there. i give respect where respect is due. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!? just cuz you work 1 year longer than me, dont mean SHIT!

funniest thing is, after i was straight up distant from everybody at work cuz i just TIRED of trying to talk to everybody being cool some guy who was also distant started to talk to me, haha. then the girl who is a best friend of the negative purdy gurl comes from upstairs i am like "who the FUCK are you again?" i wouldnt even look at her. why the FUCK should i look at your ass to be nice to you and say hello when you negative as hell and judge me on the inside? bitch you gotta EARN my respect; i wont just give it to you.

i am so noncholant and distant that i just DONT GIVE A FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK anymore about trying to connect with coworkers, and be cool with everyone. and i love it. if you cool, we talk. if you not, i get to see that and then you should just get the FUCK outta my face. i will still wish you peace and love on the inside but ill stear clear of your negative and 'i am special' ass. whatever the fuck issues you got with me go solve them out with your shrink. i dont got time for this BULLSHIT!

if the negative girl ever ends up working with me alone and starts talking shit, i will basically call her out on it and tell her she should either stop being so negative or stop acting that way around me. cuz i am not her therapist. not sure how i will say it but i gotta think on that for a while. till then, all you people out there who think you're 'special' need to realize that you eat, shit, fart, and stink just like everyone else. your shit aint special.

I hate my job

I can't sleep right now and because of this situation at work.

pretty much what happens is this. there is this girl there. she is nice. she talks to me. we talk when its just 2 of us. i enjoy her company. but all the fucking time all she does is complain "it's boring. i hate it here. i am sleepy. this job sucks. i am tired. they dont pay much. he is too loud, she is too quiet, blah blah blah". i enjoy her conversation, but she really brings me down with her negativity.

there is this guy there. he ignores me. he looks down on me. he thinks he is better than me. he avoids me. i could try mess with him by constantly talking to him and act like we best friends but it is almost impossible. why? because when he is there, SHE is there. and when they are there, they start having convos amongst themselves and completely ignore me. it's like i dont exist. they have their vibe going and i get left out of the convo completely. i feel extremely uncomfortable, unwanted, and rejected. they both judge me, the guy overtly, the girl covertly. and when they both get together i feel their energy pushing me away like "GTFO!" i really really hate it.

now here is the thing. i LOVE this job. this is the coolest job I ever had. but these 2 negative people make it a living hell for me. i almost dont want to talk to the girl, even though she is a nice company. because i know when the guy comes they will treat me like i dont exist, and when he leaves, shell use me to listen to her life stories, while she would completely not give a fuck about mine.

at this point, i dont know what to do. i go and talk to other people on the floor, but what about making the sales (it's a retail job). i need to make a commision and the register i am part of is the one they are at. i cant be around the other parts of the floor for too long, so at some point i gotta go back there. FUCK! why do people treat others so fucking bad? i dont get it. i know its nothing personal, but dang! you can bring me into the conversation.

i really hate it when people treat you like some new guy on the block and that they dont ever have to talk to you. they all got each other and know each other, and you are an outsider. whether or not they know you or will be friends with you doesnt matter to them, because they know everyone amongst themselves. damn, this sucks so badly. i cant sleep and i gotta wake up in 5 hours for work. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! i have lost so much respect for both of them it isnt even funny.

like just earlier today (yesterday) she is going away on a vacation. and this was after he left so it's me and her standing there while her ass complaining how boring it is. she starts telling me how shell go away, "only to come back to this same shit"... i am thinking like BITCH? you didnt even GO on your vacation to enjoy any part of it, and you COMPLAING ABOUT ALREADY BEING BACK? OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!! STFU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP COMPLAINING!

i just think it's funny. her friend that comes to visit her i bet is the same way, but she is quiet. which means she is really judgmental and probably judges me even more. and another guy friend comes to talk to her is the same. he complaints all the time. and the fucked up thing is, THEY ALL IGNORE ME WHEN THEY COME TO VISIT AND TALK TO HER. i mean like... WTF!??!?!

for the first time in my life I am actually excited about this job and the people are ruining it for me by constantly bitching about it and silently throw negativity at me.

the Presidential Campaign is a JOKE!

a complete joke.

the candidate becomes a president when people vote him in, but i still dont get how that works because the Electoral College votes for the president. but in the end, the man who knows how to talk the best wins. in other words, the man who knows how to be the biggest bullshiter. "ill do this, and ill do that, blah blah blah". when he gets in the office he doesnt do half the shit he said he would. it was all done just to win.

I dont even follow politics anymore. i just watched the debate at lunch today for 5 minutes and almost puked "I believe in god, and blah blah blah" yeah, of course you gonna say that. most of the sheep believe in the same christian god that was used to control the slaves and brainwash them. now this same religion is used to control the sheep of today who dont know a thing about "god" but what the preacher tells them. it's a fucking joke, a real joke. i can't believe people take this bullshit seriously.

i remember i heard someone say something like "the last president of the united states was JFK" and i think they were right. anytime there is a leader that actually makes some sort of difference or does something for the country or its people, he gets taken out. JFK, Martin Luther King Jr., Malcolm X, Fred Hampton. all of these leaders were killed. the presidents today are just like puppets. they do what they are told. fuck the presidential election. i dont give a fuck who wins or loses. its the same bullshit to me. all the hype and at the end, it's just TALK TALK TALK. STFU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! all of you. just STFU!

Negative co-workers

This has been building up inside of me for the last 2 weeks, and I gotta let it out.

so I got this job very recently. It is part time and it is me standing all day.

I am pretty good at reading people and my first impression is ALWAYS right. I am a minority at work. I am one of the 2 white guys in our whole floor. Most of the people are black, some latino, and a few asians. Now, my department has 3 people I work with that switch shifts periodically. 1 black girl, 1 black guy, and 1 asian guy. the Asian guy is cool, the black girl is meh.. she acts cool but judges me on the inside and I could feel it. but at least I could talk to her and she is nice for the most part, and knows how to keep it professional. now this black guy is by far the worst co-worker I have had working at this place.

first of all, he is from Africa. so, he is not an African American. but he walks with a limp, he talks with slang, and I am pretty sure he uses the n word. but that's beside the point. I never judged him for any of this but just took a notice from the observation. now, when i started here i really had to get to know people. no one ever talked to me. so when I got to know him, he made me feel like I am interviewing him. he never asked me anything, but it was mostly me asking him about who he is and telling him about myself. it's something people do to get to know each other and I was totally comfortable, except how he made me feel.

now after that day, he hasnt spoken a word to me. i mean, i come in, and say whats up to him. he doesnt even answer, and when i get to our area where me and him are standing next to each other, he just leaves and stands somewhere else. he treats me like a piece of shit. actually, worse; he acts like i don't exist. and, what's really interesting is that he knows all the people and he talks to a lot of black folks at our place. and it's no big deal to me. he was there for a year, and i just started. but i was just looking at him walking from place to place with black girl co-workers or talk to our manager kissing his ass, or talk to other black guy co-workers, and i realized that back in college and high school, guys like this made me feel like i am a reject. they would always ignore me, act like they're better than me, and create a picture in which they are connected to everyone around them, and vise versa, but i am some wierdo that should remain on the outside away from everyone because i dont belong.

it's real interesting to me how an inner voice plays such a big role in communication. i am talking about what you think, opposed to how you act. he thinks something like "i dont like this white boy. i am better than him. he cant even do it right. he is new here. he dont know shit. he is a rookie. i dont like him. etc.. etc.." now, i dont know if he is racist and doesnt like white people, but i feel that prejudice from him all the way. he never looks at me, never says hi, once he said bye, and it was the first day, and for the rest of the time he gives me attitude like he is above me. now, my inner voice is positive and i send out good vibes towards people, even assholes like him, but i just find it really hard to work in this environment. he acts like we are strangers, and he wants to keep it that way. he treats me like crap, and the only one he talks to is the black girl coworker. like i would be standing there talking to her, and then he comes and starts talking to her like i am not even there. and those 2 got some sort of vibe going. really tells me a lot about her. i already got vibes from the girl, who generally speaking doesnt give a fuck about what i tell her about myself. she just finds a word from what i say and starts talking about herfself because that's all that matters to her. i can hear her life stories all day, but when it's time to hear mine, she is half present, half gone.

i really am not sure what to do. i think ill just mirror the guy when i come in. ill go stand somewhere else when he is at the stand alone. and just be distant. i am tired of this bullshit. i worked with co-workers like this before. it's just that i have never had them be part of my team. and since he is part my team, it makes things 10x harder. team members should be supportive of each other and get each others back. not throw one another under the bus, and act like enemies.

a few other co-workers been giving me bad vibes, but this African guy just makes me kinda not wanna come to work. I will do my best to approach a few girls before i start work. that usually always get my adrenaline going and puts me in a happy mood for the rest of the day. but i havent done that in a while. and the more i hold myself back, the more i cant stop thinking about this fucking douch.

YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN ME BECAUSE YOU SPEAK SLANG AND LISTEN TO HIP HOP! UNDERSTAND THAT, YOU ARROGANT PRICK! YOU'RE NOT EVEN AFRICAN AMERICAN, STOP ACTING LIKE YOU ARE!

Giraffe in Quicksand

I remember this. FUNNY AS HELL!

33

So I am 33 tonight
I am somewhat high
I'm gonna stay up all night
Looking at the moon in the sky
Enjoying the fresh air outside
As I take 3 hits out of my pipe
Thank you Gods and Goddesses
Keep guiding me through this metropolis
I will succeed and not let anything bother this
I am ready and dont need no other thoughtless
people who want to bring me down regardless
of what my beliefs are as they try to stop this
because I know who I am you CANT FUCK WITH THIS!
religious freaks try to stear me towards apocolpyse
leave me alone and go preach at "Religous Fanatics" anonymous
I got my panther with me, I am watching you and see all your life
your struggles and worries, it's all there while you talk about your wife
or your husband and then your baby eventually twice, or thrice..
you're like a machine who wants that spice
the one that makes you not wanna sleep through the night
your needs are just like mine but yet you dont see me in sight
thats cuz I am in the jungle hiding behind
all the trees and branches while I slip into the night
into the shadows of moon and its light
So remember, my friend for the future you hold
Your worries and ignorance will make things unfold
with all the talking and gossip of him and you do
you think youre better than me, but you KNOW its not true
I hope you forgive me on being so hard
but I felt your aloof distance from the very first start
and when you smile and act like youre cool
you putting on acts, and I am no fool
But I really am happy with who I am turning to be
Peace and love to you buddy, forever from me

Happy birthday... to all and happy birthday to me

19 Year Old Black Girl, take 3

I just wanna close this chapter with this final post.

basically what happened was this. When I talked to her that first time I called her and she called me right back, I said let's meet for coffee. She said she knows a coffee shop near her house she used to go to. i told her to txt me the address of it. she didnt. so i txt her the address of a starbucks near by and told her to meet me there at so and so time. asked her to let me know if she could make it. she said shell let me know.

a day goes by and i dont hear back from her. then im thinking all kinds of things, and im like 'she is not interested. she is a gold digger. her friends told her not to talk to me, blah blah blah, etc..' then i get a txt from her a few days later 'hey sorry about that. when im not working we can do something'. i was like wtf? wow! she IS interested. cool! maybe her and i will finally meet! (being the clueless guy that i am) i talked to my wing and hes like let her go. she is not worth it and never let a girl mess with your mind. if she didnt even let you know that she could not make it, she will most likely never gonna meet with you.

but she txt me one time that she is free saturday. i was like okay. you wanna play this game? lets do this. i txt her back "ill let you know". then the day goes by and i dont say shit. i wait a few more days and pretty much txt the same thing she did 'sorry about that. etc etc.. i am free next week though, etc..' i was gonna do this 2 weeks in a row to fuck with her mind 2x as much but she stopped replying, lol...

19 year old, model, and fucks with guys minds. mos def not the type of girl i would wanna mess with. but at least now i know what to do if this happens again. you fuck with my mind? i am gonna fuck with yours twice as much, haha!

no ammo

I am at a point where talking to women is sort of pointless at this time. this is because I feel like I could come up and say hi, but I have no ammo.

This reminds me of my clubbing phase.

Phase 1) took a workshop and had guys push me to approach females
Phase 2) me being really scared and down on myself 'i suck'
Phase 3) realizing I could come up and talk to anybody
Phase 4) being really excited and eager to talk to women/people at clubs
Phase 5) realizing I have no game and absolutely no ammo
Phase 6) I give up completely and go inward back to my old self

right now i feel sort of similar but in phase 5. I am not gonna give up like I did with clubbing but feel like I need to do some homework before I talk to women. another thing that kinda makes me not wanna approach females is, I dont go anywhere!!! walking down streets and approach girls randomly is the most highest % i will not have anything in common with them. and i cant tell them any stories of me going places cuz i dont go anywhere.

I need to find a way to look for events and go to them. striking up convos at events should be easier because people are more receptive there compared to on the street. I mean on the street it's like "who the fuck are you? go away". this doesnt apply in all situations, but generally speaking when people are walking from point a to point b.

so i dont know... i can approach but i 1) stop myself too much and hold back a lot, 2) when i do say hi, i am in a loss for words sometimes. especially when a girl puts up a wall or doesnt say much.

i gotta get in the lab and do some homework before i go in the field again. BUT I AM SO FUCKING LAZY.. omfg... sometimes I wish I wasn't born a Libra, but I chose this sign and gotta find a way to make the best of it.

stupid hyena

LMFAO!!!

funniest thing I've seen all day

Innocence of Muslims - Anti-Islam film

This is the film that made Muslims rile up and kill an American ambassador, like they killed an ambassador of Pakistan in 2010 when he criticised Islam's way of thinking.

2012 Numerology

1111

1212

1010

111

222

333

444

555

666

777

888

999

55555

420

1222

336

223

221

332

334

445

443

554

556

112

110

665

667

123

000

101

202

303

404

505

606

707
808
909
1122
1133
1144
1155

is Islam a form of Satanism?

I was thinking about this after reading the Egypt and Libya story. how these Muslim nuts set American flag on fire and killed one American diplomat after some anti-Muslim film mocked the prophet Mohammed.
 
I think that Islam is poison to our planet. it is like a ying to the yang. the evil for the good. Buddhism for example, is of complete peace, while Islam is the exact opposite. Islam is about oppression, sexism, dominance, control, torture, killing, raping, and exterminating anyone who says anything different than what Islam says.
 
you make a satire movie of Jesus, people laugh and chuckle. Christians get upset, even outraged.
you make a satire movie of Mohammed, people laugh and chuckle. Muslims go on protests, burn flags, and kill people.
 
Why? because I personally think that Islam is a form of Satanism. now.. I really hope no Muslim is gonna go do protests and kill people because I made this post. But sad truth is, it COULD happen IF my blog was big enough and had lots of followers. I really am glad I don't live in a Muslim country anymore. I was born in a Muslim country, and hated living there every minute of it. I felt their hate when I was only 8 years old. and never ceased to experience their hate until me and my fam left the country.
 
Why are they so heartless? Why are they so full of hate? Their own people engrave hate into the hearts of their own kind by preaching it every chance they get with Quran in one of their hands. I know everything exists for a reason, but I kinda wonder when will Islam accept others as they are, be they white, Christian, women, or Jews.

19 Year Old Black Girl, take 2

so I called her before my interview today. left message, but she called me back right away. she was baby sitting her cousin's baby. she is so sweat!!! sweat, and sassy. she told me she is outgoing when i approached her and i said i like that. I really love women who are this way because i can talk to them all day and night. but then again, i gotta make sure not to talk to them like a friend otherwise ill be in the friends zone or shed just be bored of me and ignore me. happened before.

either way, i said look i am not good at talking on the phone, even though i could've talked to her easily with her sexy personality, but lets get together for coffee and see where it goes. she said there is one coffee shop near her where she used to go to, and will txt me the address. its almost midnight and still nothing. will see how it goes.

funny thing is, I so didnt wanna have a date on 9/11, but it just may happen. i dont know. and on the other note, OM is very powerful. just humming OM to this out loud is one of the best meditations I have had. I enjoy it way more than following my breath. so peaceful and calming. try it, you will not regret it

got a # from this FINE ASS Black Girl

so, every Saturday me a bunch of guys get together and approach women. I did around 10+ approaches today.

but anyway, I come out of Macy's looking for my wing. he is nowhere to be seen. I walk down the main street downtown, look to my right and DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN. this black girl's ass was so curvy, i honestly thought she is from ATL. At first I made an excuse NOT to approach, of course. The excuse was "she is with her family". She was with her cousin and her mom I think. Her mom had a baby in a baby carriege she was pushing. So, after I stepped away I thought "fuck it! I am going for it".

I come up to her, and she stops for me after I said hi. I was like okay, cool. Then she is so receptive and talkative. Long story short, we talked for not even 5 minutes and I got her digits. the funniest thing is, she is only 19!!!!! she don't look like it, though. [Nick West]But Shawty is FINE AS HELLLLLL![/Nick West]. will call her tomorrow.

the Greatest Proposal in History

this is EPIC

Funniest line in Tropic Thunder

Tom Cruise was cracking me up the whole time

Saw a man at a park with this instrument

I asked him wtf is that shit? he says "its a new instrument", but he played it worse than a nutless monkey. so I just walked away thinking its some crap you buy and get ripped off. then I smoke some (hopefully for the last time in a long time) last night and see this vid.

this guy should get paid lots of money for this. he got some amazing talent

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Surgery

I am back from the retreat almost 2 weeks ago. don't really feel like talking about it, but to summarize it this whole Judaism really isnt for me. one thing that was amazing was how accepting i felt there. just by me being Jewish they all accepted me and treated me like family. it is very interesting how cultures are. and Jewish culture is no acception. I can have free Friday dinner every Friday by going to Shabbas dinner. I can just pick any Shabbas get together in any state or city and go there, say that I am Jewish and get free food.

anyway, I had a surgery on my scrotum on Tuesday and it is still sore. It wasnt as bad as I thought it would be but i still cannot believe i went through it. doc opened up my scrotum and removed a what appeared to be a cyst. it wasnt bothering me for the most part, but it would hurt periodically. I didnt have to remove it but it was my choice. I chose to have a surgery.

Lying there on the table was so freaking nerve wrecking. Funny thing is, all the people in the surgical room were females. 1 doctor, and 3 nurses. I wasnt all that emberrased cuz I honestly dont give a fuck. I was more scared than anything. she gave a shot into my nut and i could barely relax my body parts. now I am wearing this jock strap and I got a 1 inch incision with thread on my testicle. But I am really really glad I did this. Now I can put all of this worrying behind me and move on with my life achieving what I want to achieve.

going away on a retreat

so im going away on a retreat for 1 week, it's gonna be some religous stuff i will be exposed to. my fam sort of made me go and i am gonna enjoy it just meeting new people. other then that i wanna see all this orthodox Judaism. I am gonna tell them I already practice many forms of spirituality and it is nothing what they all study. that's another thing i dont get. why do they study so much, but never have any spiritual experiences of their own? i am gonna ask them if they do have spiritual experiences or if they do practice forms of meditations, etc.. i doubt it though. i only seen it on the internet. some website but who knows. huh.. i will have fun though.

SAVE THE AMUR LEOPARD!!!

Amur Leopard Conservation - Please Donate

I would really appreciate if you donate to this conservation. PLEASE HELP TO SAVE AMUR LEOPARD!!! Remember, what you give, will come back to you. Law of Karma. Thanks! http://www.amur-leopard.org/index.php?pg=donate

Amur Leopard

wtf are people doing to the planet? I dont get this shit. There is about 20 to 30 Amur Leopards left in the world, and the whole incident where some dumb ass Russian beat a female Amur Leopard to death before he shot her in the tail back in 2007 made these Leopards even more endangered because she didn't have chance to raise cubs. humans make me sick sometimes to my fucking stomach. WHY??? i mean men poach them for money is one thing, but doing this for fun? shit! men who poach them are like fucking drug dealers poisoning their land by killing off life for profit. but killing a leopard for fun??? whoever killed her should have a maximum penalty of death through getting raped by a Horse. oh man, I remember a link to the video on sohh where that guy died after a horse stuck his dick inside of him cuz he was into beastiality. what a dumb ass... but that guy, should be him and him should be that guy.

so I don't know what is gonna happen. I hope 2012 will bring some good changes and I want to one day go out and help these amazing cats in the wild first hand. I think that is my passion in life, one of it anyway.


fucking blogger wont let me post the video but here it is anyway. FUCK GOOGLE!!!!!!!!!!
http://vimeo.com/1873708


isnt he beautiful?

Leopard cub

1 of the Worst Days of my life

so today was one of the worst days of my life. I got a new facebook friend, from my country of all places. but in the end the days just sucked because of obvious reasons.

I get fired from my new job for reasons unknown. I got a few ideas but even my manager told me the store owner was vague and he didnt understand exactly why he is upset with me. the guy who said he doesnt need me anymore just went MIA without notifying me I wont be working this week. I cancelled my interview because I thought we are still good for this Thursday. so not only did I lose my job, I also lost my interview. that was more of a shock to me because common!!! at least let me know what is happening so I keep my plans? anyway, the CEO still likes me and said I am a good guy but if there isnt any work at other stores, there is nothing he could do. But said he will keep me in mind and I am gonna help him for 1 day opening up the store this week. at least something good came out of it.

I will call the other guy and ask him why. I want at least some clarification and maybe there was a misunderstanding. I already know why he is upset with me but I think he misunderstood me when I said something on the phone to him. he must've mistook my statement as a totally different one and it wasnt what I meant. either way. i am gonna talk to him and ask him to give me feedback so that I could improve on the future jobs. I know it wasnt me calling the girl cute. I mean it was one of the things, but he acted like he understood me when I said i wont do it anymore. and he even verbalized that it's okay. anyway, i guess its the acculumation of things. but he was wrong for just disappearing like that and I had lost my interview as well as the job. that was the thing that fucked me up the most.

now the absolute WORST thing that happened to me today, was that I forgot my mom's b/d. there was a get together party. I remembered mom's b/d the day before. but all this shit that happened. i had to go to Berkeley just to find out I am fired, then the appointment for the interview being cancelled and then everything just went blank. like i was lost in translation writing the train back home like... wtf just happened? completely blanked out and thought it's just like any other party.

come out into the kitchen to cards laying around with my mom's name on it. OMG!!!!!!!! that was another shock of the day... or night. it was almost 12 midnight. talked with my mom about this and told her the whole truth. she understood it completely. thank god! i got a lot of other things lined up and i am just overwhelmed with life right now, in a good way. i just didnt expect to forget my mom's b/d. this never happened to me before in my life! first time for everything i guess...

Brazilian Girl

so, long story short i got laid off at my old internship (which was fucking horrible. THANK YOU FOR LAYING ME OFF!) and was working my 2nd day at this new place. yesterday these 2 girls walked in. I was like DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN! 1 of them looked so different. They were speaking spanish, or so it seemed so i was like oh okay.. lots of latinos around here.. then I find out they are from Brazil. I'm like wow... it makes sense. one girl, I will call her Flavor, was soooooooooooooooooooooooo cute. i was nervous as hell, but i still managed to talk to them both for a little while. then Flavor mentioned something about coming back again. her friend was eye balling me but she was young and skinny. now Flavor was more like that Brazilian chick in the video Paz posted on his blog about a year ago. The one where she was in a glass container that kept filling up water revealing her big HUMUNGUS ASS every time she got an answer wrong. HER ASS WAS THAT AMAZING! if that chick in the video is 9.5, this girl in the store is about an 8.5.

So today I see her outside talking on her cell... alone, without her friend. right away i got nervous. my fear kicked in right away. the good thing was my supervisor wasnt in the store. it was just me and my coworker who is training me. she walks in as we are helping this one girl already. I tell her 'hi, we will be right with you :)'. she smiles and says okay. then as i step away.. i'm like 'im gonna do this now. FUCK IT!' i been practicing last night and it is show time... i step back towards her direction as she is standing across the counter "hey, i think you are really cute"... her: ..... what? :| me: I think you are really cute... her: blank face like *wtf?* at this point im thinking 'fuck, she didnt understand me or doesnt know what cute means' me: you understand what im saying? cute! :) her:... thank you! :|

haha.. i step away smiling and then after a few minutes me and my co-worker go in the back and with his lips without making a noise "DONT DO THAT!"... then afterwards i talked to her just a little bit. it was hard.. i was nervous but i came down by A LOT by telling her she is cute. if i didnt i would be a nerve wreck the whole time. my hands shaking, i can barely breath, my heart pounding... so after they left my coworker was like "dont do that! you're not supposed to flirt with girls here." i was like maaan, that SUCKS!!! cuz im thinking like dude.. thats what im trying to do right now and i feel GREAT! so, my coworker continues.. "they'll write up a bad review on yelp. one time one person wrote up a bad review that there was a cup there on the counter". we talked about it and stuff. he tells me "you gotta be cool. dont catch her off guard like that". but when i asked him wtf am i supposed to do he was like... "it depends on the situation, get to know her first. blah blah" like a typical guy who would never be able to explain on how to talk to women to a guy who is new at it. meh.. i still think he is a cool guy though. either way, i am proud of my self. SHE IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CUTE! and im glad i told her that. every time i tell a woman what i feel about her, i grow a little. every time i dont say nothing to a woman i am attracted to, i feel like a part of me dies.

i wanna see what heppens because i know shell be back a few more times. but im just not sure if it will be the days i work since i work part time. if it is though, i am sort of in a loss for words. she knows i like her. i caught her off guard. she is really clear when i look at her face and in her eyes, and i love it! (i am not dating no reptilian alien like the last chick i dated. fuck that shit. i wouldnt even bone a girl like that. cant even go for more than 5 seconds without blinking excessively or rolling her eyes at me) either way, i am not sure about this whole 'get to know her first, while youre working' thing my co-worker is suggesting and he wont tell me how or give me details. so ill just small talk with her and make convo about accessaries she is wearing and compliment on them. if not, it's all good in the hood. i once again faced my fears and told a woman i am attracted to that i am attracted to her. I AM THE GREATEST MAN ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

if anything else happens with this Brazilian FLAVA, part 2 is coming... stay tuned bitches :)

just got Yelle's CDs...

...not too long ago. I LOVE YELLE! here are my favorite songs

my Date with the Filipino girl...

so FINALLY I had a date with the girl I approached. she flaked on me 4 times. she wants to reschedule, then she is sick, then she wants to reschedule again, then she gotta work late... omfg.. i was like "i was waiting for you to text me 'i cant make it at 8, lets do it at 9".. she laughed.. that was the highlight of my date, sadly.

this date was like a typical first date. we talked for a while, i asked all the things i wanted to ask her, and she kept on talking to fill in awkward gaps of silence. she is just like i read her. very down to earth, very sweat, and has a warm personality. the only thing i really lied to her about was that i had 3 relationships, which is somewhat true. but not really. me being 32, that was my 3rd date. 3rd date... aint that some shit... at 32.....

i felt really down and fragile at the end cuz i was like dang... i got a long way to go in this dating game and with women in general. we do have some things in common, like we both dont watch tv, and we both like nature and stuff. but other then that the date was mostly depressing, at least on my part. she got a big family, and siblings. i told her i got none and very distant from all my family members, which is nothing but the truth. wtf else was i supposed to say? so yeah, like i said. i got  a long way to go.

will i call her again? probably not. if she wont call me, i wont call her. thats just the way it is. i get really withdrawn from people once i tell them about myself. whats really interesting is that she doesnt even care if i live with my moms "its okay, its good you stay with her. otherwise she'd be living alone". dang she is so sweat. even when i bore her with my depressing ass life with my dysfunctional family, she still didnt judge me or thought i was an utter loser like so many women would do in this western society.

anyway, thats the verdict. but i do feel better. one thing was that i was a NERVEWRECK before the date. thinking about it all day. then the 2 hours before the date my PTSD was through the roof. i had such a huge panic attack, but once she arrived i felt much better after talking to her and fear went away. she brought her aunte with her. i was like WTF? is this gonna be a date with her and her aunte? i should've said "HEYYYYYYYYY! I GET 2 DATES AT ONCE!!! COOOOOL!!!!!!!!!" but i was kinda suprirsed and didnt know what to say. just said hi, lol.. then her aunte left. sometimes i'm on but when i dont expect stuff or never dealt with a situation i am off and go inward, like i did for the most of the day.

another thing i really dont like is, why do people roll their eyes? are they alien? are they reptilian? this girl did that. in fact, she did that when i said hi to her on the train. like their eyes are open, but they roll. like when you roll your eyes in the back of your head like "oh GOD!" it's the same thing but they do it subconciously, and not so over dramatic. i feel like there is another being inside of them and its communicating through them. it's weird and creepy. wtf is wrong with people? i think they are alien or have someone else there and not know it. anyway, thats it i guess.

i feel good at the end. walking from work on my way to the date i was like "DANG! i am actually creating my reality." which is unheard of. i usually just float on a current and let it take me wherever life takes me. i never usually try to stear and move where i want in life. i am proud of myself no matter how down i felt after the date or even now. i will keep moving towards self improvement, one step at a time.

Super Trooper Pick-Up

I really wanted to post this in the previews entry, but forgot all about it. Might as well post it right meow. haha!

This is how you pick up Chicks

watch and learn my friends...

FABRIZIO!!!

I am so discouraged with life

like right now I feel like an utter failure.

okay, so the girl texted me and said she is sick so there was no date. ill call her on thursday and see whats up with her. i think she likes me but who knows wtf is going on with her. ill put that on hold for now.

but for my situation in life is just a mess. where am i going? what career do i see myself in? i honestly dont know. i am looking at jobs in the IT field and my head is spinning. sooooooooooooooo much stuff going on. software programming, scripting, linux, SQL, servers, html, iPhone/iPad repair, networking, and i dont know 95% of it! sure i could repair a computer using google, or install windows. all i really got under my belt is my A+ certificate. thats it.

so i got this internship, ironically is how i met that chick. if it wasnt for this internship, i would not have seen her. and it really stinks. the company pays me $10 but thats good because i get experience. but basically they told me i got 3 months and after that if they like me they hire me. but even then the pay would be $13 to $16/hr. so wait... how am i supposed to move out from my mom with that kinda income? the thing about this internship is that they dont teach the interns how to repair anything. we are just doing mindless tasks like taking pictures, preparing items, taking out hard drives and/or LCDs out of laptops (the best thing in the internship). so at the end, i dont learn any skills i could use at other jobs. not the type of skills most companies want anyway. however, they DO teach iPhone repair... BUTTTTTTT they teach that to someone who've been 6 months to a year with them... so i gotta stay with them, get paid nothing, stay with my mom, and after that IF they keep me i get to learn how to repair iPhones? i dont know man.. i am just really tired. what am i gonna do in life?

down at my local walgreen there is this guy working there. he is fairly young and i can see myself in him. so basically, he works in that store, pays his bills, and has his own spot (okay maybe roommates). but he has his own life. should i go his route? sshould i just find any job and move the fuck out? i really dont know wtf to do. meeting women is hard because of this. how am i gonna tell that girl my situation? eventually i will have to. it's like... i dont know where i am going in life and especially in my career. things are so complicated these days and i dont know the half of it. i cant fucking program or script. in fact, i HATE IT! sitting at the computer typing up characters that are weird and obscured. and on top of it i am so lazy. looking for jobs is hard enough, but looking for jobs that i actually think i could be good at is another story. i was just looking at job listings for 1 hour. could not apply to 1. and i am talking about general stuff from every category there is. i cant find anything that i can say "i did that and have epxerience. now please let me work and make money". i dont know.. i really dont know. i am going to bed early tonight. in fact, fuck this. i am out right now. gonna eat and catch some zzzss.

life is hard.

I have a date this Saturday

so... I finally worked up the nerve to call up the Filipino girl (DAMN SHE IS FINE!) and made a date for Friday (tomorrow), but she called back and re-scheduled for Saturday. She has a very amazing vibe about her. I think she is one of those old school women who cooks, cleans, looks after her man, etc.. basically the opposite of what an average American woman is like.

it's really interesting looking at my progress. A couple of things that really helped me to get through all of this and I am still getting over it. I can't just say I made it when I just approached and got 1 #. Maybe I'll talk about the things that helped me later. But for now, I need to focus on this date.

I am going to do some research as far as dating goes. and even if it doesn't go too well, this woman strikes me as so amazing and down to earth, she wouldn't judge me or think i'm a loser. maybe I read her aura subconciously and just KNEW I HAD to approach her because of her amazing body (at least the attraction on my part), and her vibe. maybe that's why me not approaching her that first day I saw her fucked me up so much. I knew on a subconcious level that she is very different. and she is, let me tell you. when I approached I thought I was going to do all the work like 90/10, me talking 90%, her 10. and the same i expected when I called her. But she is totally different. very talkative, engaging, and blushes when i say stuff like "hey, i was thinking about you" or "i think you're cute".

ANYWAY, in no way am i putting her on a pedistitle. I am just making a point in which she surprised me with her warm personality. it's really rare I meet women like that nowadays. but then again, I don't approach much so that could be part of the reason. and when I do meet someone so warm, it kinda throws me off on some "wow.. women like that exist out there?"

Will blog about the date on what happened.

I got her #

OH SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so today I couldn't read my book on the way home because I DID talk to the girl i saw on Monday.

I was a nervewreck when I got on the train. I sit in the back and I kinda knew she wasn't gonna be there since it was an early train. But a few minutes before doors close, there she is. She sits at the sit in front of me facing the same direction. I knew right there it was either now or never. So... I take my shit and move to the seat next to her and said hi. long story short, she is single and I got the digits. HAHA! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As I was walking home I felt like screaming at the top of my lungs and I couldnt stop smiling :) DAMN IT FEELS GOOD TO FACE YOUR FEAR!

Thank you to all my ancestors and my spirit guides who have been guiding me up to this point, and most of all thank you me for actually doing what I said I would do. FUCK FEAR! in fact, no. I love you fear. Thank you for teaching me valuable lesson(s) in life. After I moved back to my seat and it was her stop, she actually turned and said bye to me. didnt expect that. maybe she likes me. who knows.. WHO CARES!?!?!

I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dark Matter?

man im watching this movie and it just hit me. is Dark matter the next world that we just may witness post 2012? all of dark matter is invisible, so could there be another world? another dimension that lies in this "dark matter" invisible dimension? is this what the ancients referred to as the "Golden Age"?

@1:02:54



or maybe im just high

I need to learn how to be observant

so i was just thinking about my previous blog and what mistakes i made. i could've came up to her with "hey, whats your name?" or... the second.


One thing I need to improve on, is not be afraid to look. like looking at that girl on the train. i looked at her, she looked back (even though she had shades) sat in her seat, and moved over to the window spot. then took out her make up and started putting it on. now.. that right htere is an opening. in fact, she could've made it for me. but i was too scared thinking of approaching then to actually realize it is a sign, a signal. if not, who cares!? do it especially since the universe opened the door for you. you just have to walk through it and have a seat next to this woman and say hi!

so yeah... that is one thing i need to work on.

Facing my Fears

Saying hi women is one of, if not THE scarriest thing in my life. One of my fears that I need to conquer in this lifetime is this, approaching women.
So today I am going home from my internship. I enter the train station and think to myself "hmm.. I haven't seen a women that I was REALLY attracted to in a while"... as I go downstairs and turn left; there are people waiting. And on the concrete bench this girl is sitting. I was going to sit there but there were like 2-3 kids around 10 or 12. She turns her head to the right and looks at me. I don't know what type of look it was because she had 1) dark sun glasses that don't reveal the eyes, and 2) ipod white ear plugs. I didnt think much of it. looked her up. Her face was oval but her body was thick and she had nice toes. I thought to self "hmm.. I can just come up to her and say hi right now". but what did my big ego do? "nahhhh" my excuse was "those kids are there next to her. that would be weird"

I am one of those sensetive guys that cares greatly what people think of me. in fact, I think that certain things are rude or weird when they are not. Like saying hi to this girl with kids next to her. then I'm like whatever.. no biggie. We get on the train and i sit in the back. She sits in middle (looked back at me before sitting down, btw) and when I look at her body real good... I was like DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fear KICKED IN! on a scale from 1-100, it was about 85% (10-15% when I first saw her-the BEST time to approach). Then I'm like oh shit! I should go sit next to her since she took the window seat and say hi. Ego: but you live with yo mama, and you are 32 years old. Me: yeah, true. but she is THE girl I wanna talk to.

So I had this battle with my ego for about 30 seconds and the ego won. Now what really fucked me up was that how it effected me. I feel like part of me just died. In fact, I was reading a book and after this happened, I could not focus on it at all! I just sat there thinking like "woooooooooooooooow" at how attracted I was to her and at how I DIDNT say hi. I couldn't read... I kept thinking that if i just said hi it would've have been over already (95% chance of rejection), and i would've felt like I smoked pot all day or did the most amazing drug to ever exist in the Universe.

This happens to me not a lot. but when it does, I do not do anything 85-90% of the time. And I feel like shit at the end as a result of me not doing anything.

And I been thinking on the way home how I shouldn't even worry about me living with my mom, not ever having a g/f, or having a career, having a life, etc.. I must do it, because I really want to not because I have to, and if I get a #, throw it away. in fact, I must start saying hi to girls I am attracted to, get a bunch of #s and throw them ALL away. Who gives a shit!!! and by me approaching say 50 women or get 15#s, I will grow spiritually more than if I were to meditate 50 days in a row for 100 hours.

So yeah, I just wanted to blog about this because I haven't seen a girl that fine in a while; her body anyway. I dont know if she is a mean bitch or has no personality. But if I never say hi to women I am attracted to, I will never know and will just be left thinking about it the rest of the freaking day.

The next time I see her, I will say hi!
The next time I see her, I will say hi!
The next time i see her, I will say hi!
The next time I see her, I will say hi!
The next time i see her, I will say hi!
The next time i see her, I will say hi!
The next time I see her, I will say hi!
The next time I see her, I will say hi!
THE NEXT TIME I SEE HER, I WILL SAY !

I feel bad for wild cats

I really do. I feel like humans are the worst animals on the planet. they kill everything, blow sacred bhudda temples like the one in Afghanistan, and just kill each other as well as all the animals that live in sorrounding areas. they do it with no respect for life, and as long as they make a buck. I think 2012 is about this crazy world changing completely 180. it will go from mostly bad, to mostly good. how that is going to happen i dont know. but this is sad. Bali and Javan tigers are now extinct. Lions and Cheetas and now pushings towards their direction

"Bali preyed on most mammals that lived within their habitat. Their major sources of food were wild boar, rusa deer, Indian muntjac, red junglefowl, monitor lizards, monkeys and possibly banteng (the last now also extirpated on the island). The only known predators of Bali tigers were humans."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bali_tiger

fucking sick. Poor cats. my heart goes out to you. I love you, now and always.

Humans need to wake up on what they are doing. I seriously hope they do, before it's too late.
I cant find the clip but in Wild Cats documentary there is a section on how they go out and just straight hunt a Tiger, and in less than 30 second, a Tiger gets converted into a pile of bones and skin. fucking sad as hell. and then they sell tiger boans for medicine. some Chinese sell tiger bones illigally in their stores in SF, and other cities. holy sh!t man. this is just sad on all levels.

WAKE UP YOU STUPID HUMANS! YOU ARE THE MOST COLD HEARTED ANIMAL ON EARTH RIGHT NOW! WAKE UP BEFORE ITS TOO LATE!!!

Leopard cubs annihilate King Cobra

bwaaaaaaaaaaahahhaahhaha... King Cobra. big deal... I am a little cub and I pwn your ass, haha

Leopard raping 4 Lionesses

Hopefully these Lions have learned their lesson; NEVER FUCK WITH A LEOPARD! or you just might get PWNED

Super Troopers - Movie Review

This movie is soooooooooooooooooo funny. I haven't laughed this hard in a good minute. 5 infinite stars!

High Again

so i lit up just a few minutes ago. it will be the last time i get high for a while. but man the craziest thing happened to me. basically to make a long story short, i ended up with a whole lot of weed and only paid for for 1/5th that. whoever sold this to me was either confused as hell, and gave me the wrong bag, or dumped off a crappy weed on me. so basically i got stuck with this shit whether i like it or not. and its like man... i like weed but not that much.

anyway, i should be greatful. but i guess since im not a pothead, i can get high off of 1 gram for a month, wtf i need 1/8th for? so yeah, im just like chilling and come across this video.

stop thinking about anything for a minute, forget you exist. just watch this while listening to the music. afterwards, youll feel much better. i promise

Tapped - Movie Review - MUST WATCH!

"Plastic water bottle manufacturing uses 714 million gallons of oil every year".

-the truth about what type of toxic making bottled water releases into our environment
-how it poisons not just the environment but the people who live near the plants, our oceans that generate plastic soup, our beaches that produce plastic sand, our fishes that east plastic pieces they are swimming in, and us for eating these fishes and developing decease, or eating the decease that have been developed, thanks to plastic
-FDA's neverending corruption and their lack of care or concern this movie is scary, but it is the truth about the future of our planet if we don't stop making plastic, and especially support the making of it by constantly buying it.

watch the trailer for free on http://www.tappedthemovie.com/

Trailer for Avatar II

what a sick world we living in. these are natives of mexico. they claim they are one of the only groups who havent been colonized by spaniards. and the evil forces want a precious metal that is right under their holy land (tree in Avatar 1), and the evil forces will do anything they can to get it.
coming to a Mexico near you. this summer

I am so frustrated with my life

I am a vegan in a way. I dont eat meat, I dont eat milk that comes from an animal, cheese, and eggs. I eat wild fish, and shrimp. So my mom thinks I am "killing" myself. All this time she been putting eggs into the cakes she been cooking constantly and I didnt even know it. I feel like she is deceiving me. She does things that she thinks are good for me, but yet I feel she has no respect for me or my wishes on what "I" want to put in my stomach. She spazzed the fuck out on me when I saw the eggs and said I am not eating that cake.. I left the kitchen, and she came into my room started giving me a lecture on how eggs are made, and it doesnt matter because they go to waste anyway and they are "caged free" and blah blah blah. I am like WOW! YOU HAVE NO RESPECT FOR ME! I DONT EAT EGGS!!! WHAT DOES ALL THAT STUFF GOTTA DO WITH WHAT YOU JUST SAID?

Then I look at my life. I am 32 years old, still living at home with my mama, no career, no job, got a degree so thank god for that, never had a g/f, don't have any friends, dont know where I am going, dont know myself or what I am here for on this planet, and just a miserable fuck because of all this shit and i am tired of it. I havent been talking personal on my blog because i have said ALL THIS BULLSHIT SO MANY TIMES ON HERE I LOST COUNT. so I always think to myself "why start again?" and dont even bother mentioning anything. but this is my life.

what will i do if my mom is gone? i got this internship going right now and they let me come on board for 3 months paid internship. thats $10 per hour. i am greatful for it and all, but even if they say "okay, youre hired", they will pay me $13 to $16 per hour. I feel like I have been duped. I went to school for 10 fucking years, only to miraculously (and I am serious when I say this word. finding this internship was hard. finding anything in IT to get experience is super hard) find an internship that will pay me pennies if ... IF i end up working for them. thats like saying "you will have to live with yo mama for the next 2 years working with us because if you dont, youll have to get roomates to save on rent". Living in San Francisco is expensive as fuck. I dont think $15 an hour is enough to live on your own unless you are on section 8. so what the fuck? I am so tired of this world. I spent so much time in school being tortured, studying shit I dont even need, and now I cant even land a fucking job. what type of fucking place is this? I am just so frustrated. My life is a big mess, but can I at least get a job and live in peace? Part of it is my fault, of course. I am not very motivated, I have so much apathy, and generally dont care about life.

I remember the days when I was excited about life. I was a kid and had friends. I was excited to go outside and play with them. I wanted to finish my homework and have fun with friends, do stuff, be active. Life was so enjoyable, and exciting. But I have done a complete 180 and feel the exact opposite. I dont care about life. I dont care about meeting people, I dont care about looking for a job, I dont care about almost anything.

When I look for a job, it is such a tortorous process for me. And what I fucking hate the most is that how some employers want you to jump through hoops. Okay first I want you to fill out our application that will take you 1 fucking hour, then I want you to upload your resume, then I want you to finish this questionare, and then i want you to take these stupid tests and answer complicated questions. thank you for the 2 hours of your time, and we will never get back to you because there are better candidates. FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU SHOULD BE FUCKING SLAPPED! why do employers do this shit? I want to just upload my resume and maybe a cover letter and move on. BITCH I DONT WANNA FILL OUT YOUR 2 HOUR RESUME WHEN YOU WONT EVEN READ IT ONCE YOU SEE I DONT HAVE EXPERIENCE! IT TAKES ME LONG ENOUGH TO LOOK THROUGH YOUR FUCKING AD! FUCK YOU STUPID ASS BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOU AND YOUR COMPANY!!!!!!!!!!! man.. I am so frustrated with this process.

what is life? i honestly can say after all the meditating, soul searching, reading, TRYING to astral travel and lucid dream, I DONT KNOW WHAT LIFE IS. I am scared of everything in life and beyond. cant even have an out of body experience for longer then like 5 minutes. but im lucky if i have it that long. lucid dreams wont last me longer then 5 to 10 seconds. i dont know. why am i not good at anyhthing? WHY? is it because i dont live my life the way i wanna so everything i do reflects that in it?

oh man. so much shit has been going on and i dont know what this year of 2012 will bring me or the world. But something needs to happen. if not in my life then in the world. cuz i am really tired of the way things are. they are just not right. there needs to be a system in which people care for each other and not just take advantage of each other. i took one workshop for being social about 6 months ago and the guy gave me an 80% discount. then i find out he gave all of the people the same price and in the end he was treating me like shit while i was in his class. it was subtle but i still felt it. he just pretended to like me to get me to pay him. what type of fucking shit is that? he claims he wants to help people and change lives, when all he wants to do is just take advantage of people and take their money. when will this shit stop? anyway, i am really tired and dont know what to do. i am doing some other stuff right now, and need to focus on it. i may talk about it later on if i feel like it. i dont know what else to fucking say.

peace