Facing my Fears

Saying hi women is one of, if not THE scarriest thing in my life. One of my fears that I need to conquer in this lifetime is this, approaching women.
So today I am going home from my internship. I enter the train station and think to myself "hmm.. I haven't seen a women that I was REALLY attracted to in a while"... as I go downstairs and turn left; there are people waiting. And on the concrete bench this girl is sitting. I was going to sit there but there were like 2-3 kids around 10 or 12. She turns her head to the right and looks at me. I don't know what type of look it was because she had 1) dark sun glasses that don't reveal the eyes, and 2) ipod white ear plugs. I didnt think much of it. looked her up. Her face was oval but her body was thick and she had nice toes. I thought to self "hmm.. I can just come up to her and say hi right now". but what did my big ego do? "nahhhh" my excuse was "those kids are there next to her. that would be weird"

I am one of those sensetive guys that cares greatly what people think of me. in fact, I think that certain things are rude or weird when they are not. Like saying hi to this girl with kids next to her. then I'm like whatever.. no biggie. We get on the train and i sit in the back. She sits in middle (looked back at me before sitting down, btw) and when I look at her body real good... I was like DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fear KICKED IN! on a scale from 1-100, it was about 85% (10-15% when I first saw her-the BEST time to approach). Then I'm like oh shit! I should go sit next to her since she took the window seat and say hi. Ego: but you live with yo mama, and you are 32 years old. Me: yeah, true. but she is THE girl I wanna talk to.

So I had this battle with my ego for about 30 seconds and the ego won. Now what really fucked me up was that how it effected me. I feel like part of me just died. In fact, I was reading a book and after this happened, I could not focus on it at all! I just sat there thinking like "woooooooooooooooow" at how attracted I was to her and at how I DIDNT say hi. I couldn't read... I kept thinking that if i just said hi it would've have been over already (95% chance of rejection), and i would've felt like I smoked pot all day or did the most amazing drug to ever exist in the Universe.

This happens to me not a lot. but when it does, I do not do anything 85-90% of the time. And I feel like shit at the end as a result of me not doing anything.

And I been thinking on the way home how I shouldn't even worry about me living with my mom, not ever having a g/f, or having a career, having a life, etc.. I must do it, because I really want to not because I have to, and if I get a #, throw it away. in fact, I must start saying hi to girls I am attracted to, get a bunch of #s and throw them ALL away. Who gives a shit!!! and by me approaching say 50 women or get 15#s, I will grow spiritually more than if I were to meditate 50 days in a row for 100 hours.

So yeah, I just wanted to blog about this because I haven't seen a girl that fine in a while; her body anyway. I dont know if she is a mean bitch or has no personality. But if I never say hi to women I am attracted to, I will never know and will just be left thinking about it the rest of the freaking day.

The next time I see her, I will say hi!
The next time I see her, I will say hi!
The next time i see her, I will say hi!
The next time I see her, I will say hi!
The next time i see her, I will say hi!
The next time i see her, I will say hi!
The next time I see her, I will say hi!
The next time I see her, I will say hi!
THE NEXT TIME I SEE HER, I WILL SAY !