my Date with the Filipino girl...

so FINALLY I had a date with the girl I approached. she flaked on me 4 times. she wants to reschedule, then she is sick, then she wants to reschedule again, then she gotta work late... omfg.. i was like "i was waiting for you to text me 'i cant make it at 8, lets do it at 9".. she laughed.. that was the highlight of my date, sadly.

this date was like a typical first date. we talked for a while, i asked all the things i wanted to ask her, and she kept on talking to fill in awkward gaps of silence. she is just like i read her. very down to earth, very sweat, and has a warm personality. the only thing i really lied to her about was that i had 3 relationships, which is somewhat true. but not really. me being 32, that was my 3rd date. 3rd date... aint that some shit... at 32.....

i felt really down and fragile at the end cuz i was like dang... i got a long way to go in this dating game and with women in general. we do have some things in common, like we both dont watch tv, and we both like nature and stuff. but other then that the date was mostly depressing, at least on my part. she got a big family, and siblings. i told her i got none and very distant from all my family members, which is nothing but the truth. wtf else was i supposed to say? so yeah, like i said. i got  a long way to go.

will i call her again? probably not. if she wont call me, i wont call her. thats just the way it is. i get really withdrawn from people once i tell them about myself. whats really interesting is that she doesnt even care if i live with my moms "its okay, its good you stay with her. otherwise she'd be living alone". dang she is so sweat. even when i bore her with my depressing ass life with my dysfunctional family, she still didnt judge me or thought i was an utter loser like so many women would do in this western society.

anyway, thats the verdict. but i do feel better. one thing was that i was a NERVEWRECK before the date. thinking about it all day. then the 2 hours before the date my PTSD was through the roof. i had such a huge panic attack, but once she arrived i felt much better after talking to her and fear went away. she brought her aunte with her. i was like WTF? is this gonna be a date with her and her aunte? i should've said "HEYYYYYYYYY! I GET 2 DATES AT ONCE!!! COOOOOL!!!!!!!!!" but i was kinda suprirsed and didnt know what to say. just said hi, lol.. then her aunte left. sometimes i'm on but when i dont expect stuff or never dealt with a situation i am off and go inward, like i did for the most of the day.

another thing i really dont like is, why do people roll their eyes? are they alien? are they reptilian? this girl did that. in fact, she did that when i said hi to her on the train. like their eyes are open, but they roll. like when you roll your eyes in the back of your head like "oh GOD!" it's the same thing but they do it subconciously, and not so over dramatic. i feel like there is another being inside of them and its communicating through them. it's weird and creepy. wtf is wrong with people? i think they are alien or have someone else there and not know it. anyway, thats it i guess.

i feel good at the end. walking from work on my way to the date i was like "DANG! i am actually creating my reality." which is unheard of. i usually just float on a current and let it take me wherever life takes me. i never usually try to stear and move where i want in life. i am proud of myself no matter how down i felt after the date or even now. i will keep moving towards self improvement, one step at a time.