so after making my last blog entry about me being in Love with the Colombian Tranny, I kept thinking about her. and I kept thinking about why does everyone always leave me? WHY DOES EVERYONE ALWAYS LEAVE ME!?!?!?! I am 35 years old, just lost my virginity with this girl, and yes she is a girl in my eyes, and I have no friends. This was always the biggest question in my life, why does everyone always leave me?
so, out of desperation, I started googling. Then I came across this one yahoo answers post of a girl describing the exact same life scenario, but from a girl's perspective. Here it is, "Why do people always leave me?" Now, I am not a girl, but I am a human. so, for this girl the situation was almost identical. the only difference, is that guys would come and talk to her, but when it was time to get into a relationship, they leave her. she said that she is someone whose love for another person either stays the same or grows, but for people that come into her life it seems too easy to just walk right out. And this is exactly my case! at first, someone could take a liking towards me. but after a while, they get bored, tired, or just annoyed by my presence and act distant. like this tranny who is acting very distant as of right now. at first, she was excited, and we made out in my car after sex. she'd text me and would want to text me every day. now, I haven't heard from her since last Friday, the convo I initiated. don't know exactly what I did wrong but this is the pattern EVERY TIME.
so, after reading the "Best Answer" for this girl's question, I got the biggest shock of my life. It hit me so hard, I couldn't think, I couldn't move, I was frozen in time. THIS IS EXACTLY WHY PEOPLE LEAVE ME!!! I HAVE NO SELF-ESTEEM!
All day at work today, I was so distant, so aloof, I stopped checking my phone as much and stopped focusing on this girl who is very distant now. I mean, I still think about her, just not as much. I just received such a big shock of realization, that it's almost the equivalent to the shock of birth. It's as if someone just hit me with a brick. "No one will like being around you, if you don't like being around yourself." It was so shocking, yet so familiar. But all I did over the years, was suppress this common knowledge, thinking it will just pass some day.
Accepting myself has been the hardest thing I've ever had to overcome in life. And I still haven't overcome it. My pale skin, my skinny body, my weirdly shaped face when looking at myself in the mirror from the sides. I've never accepted myself fully. And in the past, I've actually hated myself. Now I'm more neutral with self, and sometimes I like myself. But other times, I'm disgusted with myself and reject myself. This is why people always leave me.
I'm gonna tell you my story of how I become the guy I am today, and why I have such a low self-esteem. Growing up, I never remember my father being in the house. I don't remember living with him. I was 4 when my mom and me were living with my dad and his mother. One day as we were coming home, his mother was home alone. My mom knocked on the door, and my grandma peeped in the peep hole, and did not open the door. So, me and my mom went back to my mother's mom's apartment, which was right across the street. I don't remember any of this, but this is what my mom told me and this is how the divorce happened because my dad took his mother's side. After the divorce, my dad wasn't around anymore. I have never met neither of my male grandparents. My mom's dad died at around 46, 10 years before my birth. And my dad's side grandpa a week after I was born. Now, my grandpa from my dad' side, he was a gangster. He was the leader of a gang. He moved to my country to get away from that life after all of his gang got killed by the cops, but he escaped somehow. If this guy raised me, he would have taught me how to be a man. You best believe it! But, somehow, someway, we never met in this life. So, I ended up being raised by my dad who was raised by his controlling, and manipulative mother. I have never had any sort of male role models whom I learned from what it's like to be a man. And that was really hard on me, and played a big role into how I shaped into who I am today.
I remember when I was going to 1st grade, 2nd, 3rd, we would have fights after school. And if a boy challenged me, I said yes. Because I was always brave, but the very first time I got hit and got a black eye, it really shocked me. I didn't understand. What was it? It hurt, and now I have this weird feeling inside of my chest. Fear? What is that? What do I do with it? How do I control it? How do I make it go away? All these thoughts running through my mind, and not one answer. Not one soul to talk to. And I didn't know how to talk to boys about it, especially the ones who tried to manipulate me to fight other boys for their entertainment. So, I went on and on fighting boys after school being afraid. I was scared every time, every fight. After the fight was over, the fear went away, and I felt at ease. I hated it so much, fear, and fighting. Because when I fought, I had fear. And when I had fear, I usually fought, or had street confrontations, which I hated with passion. The confrontations happened every now and then because I grew up in a Muslim country, and many muslims hated whites. So, they taught their boys to hate white people, and their boys would try to fight us and chase us whenever we'd be walking home from school. The thing is, I didn't have that many fights total. But whatever I did have, it was torture for me.
So, one day when I was a little older, I'd say about 11 years, I got set up with the most popular boy in my class. Let's call him Tyler. He was a very good looking kid, charismatic, and he could fight. I heard he took boxing, but I didn't think much of it. I didn't take any fighting lessons myself. So, when we finally fought after school. He whooped my ass so bad, parts of my soul got sucked into my asscrack, and never returned. After that day, I was fucked up. Everyone at school knew. It was so embarrassing, and shameful for me to show my face. Some guys even came up to me next day, "hey so you got your ass beat by Tyler?" I was like yeah... wtf else was I supposed to say?
Then me and Tyler took cycling lessons, along with many other boys from my school. So then, Tyler who kicked my ass earlier wanted me to fight another boy. And this was a turning point in my life. I already fought this other boy, and it was a tie. So, I didn't want to fight him again, and as always I was scared. When Tyler asked me to fight this other boy again. I did something I've never done before...... I said no. From that day on, my life changed drastically. Boys stopped respecting me, and I started to run away from fear. I didn't know what I was doing, either way. I wasn't facing the fear, and I wasn't running from it. I just sort of went with the flow. But me being a clueless boy without any males in my life, I thought I could run away and the fear would be simply gone. Boy was I wrong. Once I started running, fear would chase my ass all the way to America.
About a year later, there was good news in my family. We were given a VISA to come to America, along with affidavit. I thought that 'this is it! this is my chance to escape! I will come to America, and make lots of friends. my life will be amazing like in those hollywood movies!!' Again, I was so wrong that it wasn't even funny.
When we came here and I went straight to high school, same things started to happen. I met these boys who spoke Russian, and there were a lot of Russian speakers, who first tried to act like they were my friends. This was especially with this one particular boy. I'll call him Brandon. Brandon started to mess with me by asking me to fight some Vietnamese boy. Again, fear kicked in and I started to be afraid every time I'd go to school. Every time I'd be in Brandon's presence, I'd be afraid that he'd set me up with that Vietnamese boy and I'd have a fight, in which I would be scared. My fear started to grow bigger and bigger. It grew so big, that I completely avoided all fights, and was afraid every minute I spent in the same class as Brandon. This happened for about 2 years, and at some point Brandon got kicked out of school because he was in a gang fight or something. He was also the guy who bullied my friend who had some mental disorder RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR TEACHER. Brandon was nearly kicking my friend's ass in the back, and the teacher avoided looking up on what was happening, as it was very noisy. It was horrible. I felt really bad seeing this guy bullying my friend like that, but there was nothing I could really do.
So, as Brandon left school, I was relaxed. I actually enjoyed coming to school. I was stress free. I was, however, roaming the hallways by myself while classes were in session and spent time alone a lot. I distanced myself from the Russians speaking kids because I thought they were all fucked up. I wanted to be left alone. Then one day, I saw this one black nerd I knew who was into video games. He told me "hey man, the lab is open today!" It was Friday, on which the lab where we'd go to to play video games was closed. But this dude told me 'just go there, man. it's open!' So, my clueless ass drags my ass to the second floor waiting for the class to be "open". As I'm waiting, I see 5 guys show up at the stair way, walking towards me. Four black guys, 1 white guy. I'm like... what the fuck ever. I'm just waiting for the lab to be opened, so I could play my games. The guys surround me on each side. And before I know it.... BOOM, BAM, BOOM!!! I got punches coming at my head from all sides and I'm on the ground trying desperately to avoid being hit in the head. I went home that day all bruised up, and fucked up mentally. My ears were bleeding from the back. I didn't tell my mom or anyone; just my friend from Moscow I had at the time. He told me it's called Freshman Fridays, when guys in groups look for freshmen to beat up. Ironically, I was a Junior. But I was skinny, short, and pale at the time, so I mos def looked like a Freshman. It took me about a week to recover fully mentally. And then I was back to normal.
Fast forward to when I went to college, I had another confrontation, with 3 guys this time. I won't go into details, but back then I still didn't take any sort of fighting classes, so I couldn't really fight. It was again, 2 black guys, and 1 latino. They took my walkman, my fast pass, and they wanted to take my shoes off. Right there, I said HELL NO!!! I managed to run away from them, but my heart was racing so fast and I couldn't calm down getting to my class. Then, I could not sleep all night that night. And after that sleepless night, my life was never the same. I JUST COULDN'T CALM DOWN! I WAS SCARED AND MY HEART KEPT RACING AND RACING AND RACING. I didn't understand what was happening to me. I was seeing a shrink at the time from high school that my mom made me see, because one day I told her I wanna die and shit. So, I asked my shrink about it. And she told me "oh, you have what it's called PTSD-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder". That's when I learned about my 'condition'. Looking back, this PTSD comes from that very first day I started running away from my fear. That same day made my fear grow bigger, and stronger, until it just got out of control.
Fast forward to today, I have a really hard time accepting myself. Listening to hip hop back in high school and college only made it worse. The hip hop I listened to was a lot of 2pac, Dr. Dre, Spice 1, Too $hort, etc.. which was all cool. But then all these other new hip hop groups came into the picture like Dip Set, and I was exposed to so much racism through sohh forums, it wasn't very healthy for me. It was toxic, and poison. Many posters kept calling me cracker, honkey, and just making fun of my pale skin. It really made me hate myself even further. I sort of saw myself through these racists' minds, and it wasn't a very good thing to experience. I mean, I already had bad experience with black guys, but now I actually got to see what they have to say about me first hand on sohh.
And today, it's very hard for me to let lose and enjoy myself when I go out. When a song comes on I really like, it's hard to bob my head to it. I feel weird, odd, and like I am not comfortable in my own skin. I don't know how to change that, but after that shock I experienced today, I almost FORCE myself to walk up right with shoulders back. I've been doing martial arts for years now. What the hell am I so afraid of? But PTSD isn't rational. It comes and goes at different intervals, and sometimes I get these panic attacks that get the best of me.
Either way, this is something I HAVE to get over and work on. Not for the tranny, but for myself. I am still in shock at how deeply this realization effected me yesterday and today. I am just glad the moment came, where I got the answer to the question I've been asking for so long, staring me right in the face. I just pray, and ask for help so that I could move forward and on with my life. Without fully accepting and loving myself, NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME! That's the biggest shock I've experienced in the last 24 hours. Until I fully LOVE my pale skin, LOVE my skinny body, and LOVE who I am inside and out, no girl will ever want to be with me or around me.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Am I in Love?
so lately, I've been feeling really shitty. I feel as if someone close to me left me. Did they, or is it all in my mind?
I want to talk about something first, before I get into the topic I want to discuss. I have a history of people leaving me. Friends, a girlfriend, I guess you could call her that, and more people I meet along the way. You see, I am shy, introverted, sensitive guy. No matter how much I faced my fears in the past, I always hit a brick wall at one point or another. But to make a long story short, people leave me for various of reasons. One of them is that I am boring. I don't go out, I don't party, I don't drink, I don't even smoke weed anymore, I don't chase women, I don't hang out since I have no friends to hang out with. No one really knows who I am, and no one invites me to any events. I've made a friend or two in the past that would invite me. I'd come, but they'd get bored or tired of me, and just be distant. In the end, I have a history of people leaving me. And it really hurts me deeply.
One of the reasons why they leave me is that I grew up sheltered, and never developed social skills the way many other kids do. I have no siblings, and wasn't even raised around my cousins. All I was around is my socially retarded dad who divorced my mom when I was 4. And my mom, and her family, who aren't that great socially themselves. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and when it was time to go out into the real world, I simply mirrored what I learned at home.
In the past, I used to push people away without realizing it. They'd get pissed, and leave me. I had a friend before who saw it, and called me out on it, and he refused to leave me. He was gay of course (bi, but he liked men more than women imo). I say this because if he was straight, he would be nowhere near me once I said something rude or disrespectful. But he knew what I was doing, and it taught me a great deal about myself, and about gay people as well (no homo). Thanks to him, I learned from my mistakes and grew as a person. Now, today I have a problem with marijuana. When I smoke, I get real chatty and start talking a lot. Weed makes me wanna connect with people. But I get paranoid or excited, and I start saying anything, along with stupid shit.
So, why am I in love? Well, it's about that escort again. Since the time she cancelled our plans to spend another night in a hotel, she's been distant from me and I am going crazy. Every minute I don't get a text from her is like an hour. And every hour, is like a day. And every day, is like a week. I feel like I am being tortured from all sides. The other day at work, I felt like I completely left my body. I don't know where the fuck I went. But it was as if I completely blocked out! I was spaced out, and for a moment wasn't present. It really scared me. I felt like I came very close to going insane. Thank god I didn't.
Anyway, I say all this because last time I actually talked to her was when we talked 3 days before the Friday we were supposed to hang out. I was high on those 5 hits of her blunt she left me. I don't know if I texted her afterwards something stupid, or if I said something stupid. Or maybe nothing I said weirded her out at all. But that's all I've been thinking of. Where did I go wrong? Did I go wrong? Is it because I am 35 and live at home? Did she talk to her friend and she told her to let me be? All these thoughts running through my mind, and I don't know what to think.
I just never thought I'd meet someone like her. She is a sweat heart, non-judgmental, open minded, beautiful, stylish, understanding, curious, and of all of these things... she is a loner like me. She doesn't party, if she does she just goes to visit her friends there to say hi and bounce, she doesn't go out that much, and she seems like she's willing to give me a chance, despite knowing I am sexually inexperienced. But in the end, why is she so distant? Is it because she just had a surgery done? Is it over between us? I don't know. But the only thing to do right now is to give her space. I just wish I had a friend to call and ask him on this issue, but I don't even have that option. So, I always end up figuring these things out on my own. What a life, huh?
I have never been in love before, but I was just thinking about it. Is this it? Is it when you can't stop thinking about someone and their qualities, and how amazing they are? She is such a good girl, I wanna be there for her. I wanna lay next to her, hold her, kiss her. I need physical touch and affection so bad, it's pathetic! But I may have done what I've done in the past, push her away somehow, either verbally or through the circumstances of my situation. I don't really know at this point, but would like to talk to her to find out. But she didn't let me when I wanted to connect after the surgery. She texted me "No. later." I understand, but inside I'm an emotional turmoil.
This is why I hate texting. Every text from her is like being tortured. I get a text and I'm ecstatic. Then there is this long....... slow..... wait........... it could be 10 seconds or it could be 1 hour. It's fucking torture for me. Every time, I don't know if the next text will never come. The best time I have right now, is when I fall asleep. Then when I wake up, the torture starts again. I start thinking about her. "Is it over? Is she ignoring me?" and on and on. All these thoughts and questions running through my mind. And I can't escape it. Last time I got a text from her was roughly 30 hours ago. It feels like it's been much, much longer than that.
My plan for now is just to wait it out until she contacts me. And hopefully, we can connect somehow. I really want to spend time with her when she gets back. But my biggest fear is that she, like all the other people in my past, left me already in her mind, and in her heart. That would really hurt me. More than anything has hurt me in a long time. It's not very often I make a friend like this, or make a friend at all. And that's another thing, is it me being sexually inexperienced the reason for this? Don't know... I guess time will tell.
I want to talk about something first, before I get into the topic I want to discuss. I have a history of people leaving me. Friends, a girlfriend, I guess you could call her that, and more people I meet along the way. You see, I am shy, introverted, sensitive guy. No matter how much I faced my fears in the past, I always hit a brick wall at one point or another. But to make a long story short, people leave me for various of reasons. One of them is that I am boring. I don't go out, I don't party, I don't drink, I don't even smoke weed anymore, I don't chase women, I don't hang out since I have no friends to hang out with. No one really knows who I am, and no one invites me to any events. I've made a friend or two in the past that would invite me. I'd come, but they'd get bored or tired of me, and just be distant. In the end, I have a history of people leaving me. And it really hurts me deeply.
One of the reasons why they leave me is that I grew up sheltered, and never developed social skills the way many other kids do. I have no siblings, and wasn't even raised around my cousins. All I was around is my socially retarded dad who divorced my mom when I was 4. And my mom, and her family, who aren't that great socially themselves. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and when it was time to go out into the real world, I simply mirrored what I learned at home.
In the past, I used to push people away without realizing it. They'd get pissed, and leave me. I had a friend before who saw it, and called me out on it, and he refused to leave me. He was gay of course (bi, but he liked men more than women imo). I say this because if he was straight, he would be nowhere near me once I said something rude or disrespectful. But he knew what I was doing, and it taught me a great deal about myself, and about gay people as well (no homo). Thanks to him, I learned from my mistakes and grew as a person. Now, today I have a problem with marijuana. When I smoke, I get real chatty and start talking a lot. Weed makes me wanna connect with people. But I get paranoid or excited, and I start saying anything, along with stupid shit.
So, why am I in love? Well, it's about that escort again. Since the time she cancelled our plans to spend another night in a hotel, she's been distant from me and I am going crazy. Every minute I don't get a text from her is like an hour. And every hour, is like a day. And every day, is like a week. I feel like I am being tortured from all sides. The other day at work, I felt like I completely left my body. I don't know where the fuck I went. But it was as if I completely blocked out! I was spaced out, and for a moment wasn't present. It really scared me. I felt like I came very close to going insane. Thank god I didn't.
Anyway, I say all this because last time I actually talked to her was when we talked 3 days before the Friday we were supposed to hang out. I was high on those 5 hits of her blunt she left me. I don't know if I texted her afterwards something stupid, or if I said something stupid. Or maybe nothing I said weirded her out at all. But that's all I've been thinking of. Where did I go wrong? Did I go wrong? Is it because I am 35 and live at home? Did she talk to her friend and she told her to let me be? All these thoughts running through my mind, and I don't know what to think.
I just never thought I'd meet someone like her. She is a sweat heart, non-judgmental, open minded, beautiful, stylish, understanding, curious, and of all of these things... she is a loner like me. She doesn't party, if she does she just goes to visit her friends there to say hi and bounce, she doesn't go out that much, and she seems like she's willing to give me a chance, despite knowing I am sexually inexperienced. But in the end, why is she so distant? Is it because she just had a surgery done? Is it over between us? I don't know. But the only thing to do right now is to give her space. I just wish I had a friend to call and ask him on this issue, but I don't even have that option. So, I always end up figuring these things out on my own. What a life, huh?
I have never been in love before, but I was just thinking about it. Is this it? Is it when you can't stop thinking about someone and their qualities, and how amazing they are? She is such a good girl, I wanna be there for her. I wanna lay next to her, hold her, kiss her. I need physical touch and affection so bad, it's pathetic! But I may have done what I've done in the past, push her away somehow, either verbally or through the circumstances of my situation. I don't really know at this point, but would like to talk to her to find out. But she didn't let me when I wanted to connect after the surgery. She texted me "No. later." I understand, but inside I'm an emotional turmoil.
This is why I hate texting. Every text from her is like being tortured. I get a text and I'm ecstatic. Then there is this long....... slow..... wait........... it could be 10 seconds or it could be 1 hour. It's fucking torture for me. Every time, I don't know if the next text will never come. The best time I have right now, is when I fall asleep. Then when I wake up, the torture starts again. I start thinking about her. "Is it over? Is she ignoring me?" and on and on. All these thoughts and questions running through my mind. And I can't escape it. Last time I got a text from her was roughly 30 hours ago. It feels like it's been much, much longer than that.
My plan for now is just to wait it out until she contacts me. And hopefully, we can connect somehow. I really want to spend time with her when she gets back. But my biggest fear is that she, like all the other people in my past, left me already in her mind, and in her heart. That would really hurt me. More than anything has hurt me in a long time. It's not very often I make a friend like this, or make a friend at all. And that's another thing, is it me being sexually inexperienced the reason for this? Don't know... I guess time will tell.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Where do I go from here?
so about a week ago I took the last 4 to 5 hits from the joint that the tranny I was with left me. I texted her a few times, considering I get really social after I smoke. she ended up calling me and we talked for a while. This was on Tuesday, I think. And she said that she was going to So Cal to get her breast surgery done. I thought okay, that's cool. Then she said that she re-scheduled her sex reassignment surgery, and I was the first person she told this to. I guess I felt honored, but surprised since she was so sure on doing it. Maybe I talked her out of it, at least for now?
Now here comes the kicker. We made plans for this Friday night that just passed. And at around 6pm on Friday, I get a text from her "something just happened. I can't meet you tonight. sorry." At first I was like 'oh no, did her mother die?' Me being the gullible guy that I am. Then I started thinking and realized that one of her clients probably booked a session with her. I had to call and cancel the hotel reservation I made the night before.
Here is the thing, she has a regular job, but I don't know exactly how stable and how profitable it is. outside of that job, she also escorts. And in the end, where does that place me? She said she is looking for 'friends... with benefits'. You know, I don't really mind that, except that we never meet because every time I make plans with her, she flakes like this Friday, or just goes silent when I ask her when are you free? She even mentioned that 'if love comes, that's okay too' the very first time we spoke on the phone. So hold up... you escort and get paid big bucks to fuck strange clients, and you want me for love? I don't feel very comfortable, or even good about doing things with you, let alone giving you love.
Now here is another kicker. She is already in LA; left today. And I thought to myself, "is she going to be 'working' there too?" So, I check craiglist in LA area... after about 15 minutes, I say to self... "ahhh I'm tired of browsing ads, I'm done." But I left like 3 ads open. and ironically, she was in one of those ads!!! lmaoooo you know, this isn't even funny but I can't help but laugh. is she looking for fun? is she looking for money? does it even matter at this point? I just feel so alone, that seeing her being with all these men makes me want to be more distant than I was from her. I understand she needs money, but how long will she be doing this? She was telling me that once she gets her pussy, it wouldn't be as exhausting because "I'll just lay there, and take the fucking." Okay, so... are you planning on escorting for the rest of your life? When is this gonna end? Surgery>escroting>surgery>escroting>surgery>escroting>surgery>escroting. That's what it looks like it to me. After you do a surgery, you gotta get your money back by hooking. and after you get your money back at some point, you gotta get your money's worth. And then you get addicted, and then it just becomes your life. and then you want me to lick your ass??? HEEEEELLLL NO! I gotta say... I took the biggest risk of my life rimming this girl, when she escorts. And now the more I learn about her, the more I don't want to see her and do sexual favors for her.
Now she said that after the surgery, she won't be seeing anyone for a while. So, I guess she'll want to use me for emotional support right? Someone who'll be there for her, and comfort her. This is really fucked up, and makes me really sad. I wanna cry seeing this shit. Beautiful women who go out and get their brains fucked by alpha, good looking males with huge dicks, and when it's time to get all cuddly, and have someone hold them, I'm supposed to appear like I didn't just see the first part? The worst part about this whole thing is, I am completely alone. I have no friends, and never had a girlfriend. Meeting this girl... for free... was like a miracle. I have not a single clue how it happened. She actually told me that I got her attention because I knew her name, as we've met before. If I didn't, she wouldn't have replied to my e-mail. I guess it shows me that anything is possible. But I really want to go out this Thursday to a strip bar, because I am tired of being alone thinking about this girl, when she is too busy getting fucked by strange men.
It will be really interesting to see her reaction if she ever sees me out. Will she get mad? She has no fucking right to get mad. She is constantly out trying to make money. And how do I know she is not out just to get fucked because she's horny? She texted me multiple times that she's horny, but I told her I stay at home so it's not like she can just come here and get fucked. And her mother is visiting her right now, so I can't exactly go and fuck her at her place. And technically, we only fucked once that firs time. She knows I'm inexperienced because I told her. Is that another reason she could be looking for sex with guys?
Yeah, it's all bad. But now I realized that I must do whatever it takes to get my own life together. Fuck this girl. I don't take her seriously anymore. Even after she comes calling me after her surgery. I'm gonna bring all this stuff up to her, because I think it's fucked up to use good guys like me in this way. This is why I got into Pick Up, but it's filled with pieces of shits like RSD, and all the retards who worship them. I can't be around that fuckery now, even though I wanna get back into the game soon to get my power back that I feel like I lost almost completely. But first thing, I need to get my own place. Once that happens, look for better employment, or better yet study for another IT certificate that can get me more money. I don't know exactly, but I need to start planning out my life, than having this one-itis crush with an escort.
Some days I just wish that people, especially this tranny, would know how lonely I am, and how disconnected I feel from the whole humanity. Tears are rolling down my eyes after typing this. I feel so cold, and alone, the words can't even express how empty this feeling is inside my soul. I literally have no one, but my mom and a few other people who are never around. And when they're gone, who will be there for me? I complain about having a hard time getting along with my mom, but when she's gone, how will I feel then? I thought about that a week ago. I don't know how to make friends. How do you invite people into your life, when you don't have one? "Hey, come and hang out with me in my room, where I stay most of my free time?" or "let's hang out at the beach, where I go to once a month all by myself"?
Life is hard. That's all I really gotta say right now. I just pray it will get better for me one day. Hopefully soon... Blogging this feels so good. I feel like I just had a therapy session. I need to cry more often, and let all my pain out. Tired of keeping it all inside from years of misery and loneliness.
Now here comes the kicker. We made plans for this Friday night that just passed. And at around 6pm on Friday, I get a text from her "something just happened. I can't meet you tonight. sorry." At first I was like 'oh no, did her mother die?' Me being the gullible guy that I am. Then I started thinking and realized that one of her clients probably booked a session with her. I had to call and cancel the hotel reservation I made the night before.
Here is the thing, she has a regular job, but I don't know exactly how stable and how profitable it is. outside of that job, she also escorts. And in the end, where does that place me? She said she is looking for 'friends... with benefits'. You know, I don't really mind that, except that we never meet because every time I make plans with her, she flakes like this Friday, or just goes silent when I ask her when are you free? She even mentioned that 'if love comes, that's okay too' the very first time we spoke on the phone. So hold up... you escort and get paid big bucks to fuck strange clients, and you want me for love? I don't feel very comfortable, or even good about doing things with you, let alone giving you love.
Now here is another kicker. She is already in LA; left today. And I thought to myself, "is she going to be 'working' there too?" So, I check craiglist in LA area... after about 15 minutes, I say to self... "ahhh I'm tired of browsing ads, I'm done." But I left like 3 ads open. and ironically, she was in one of those ads!!! lmaoooo you know, this isn't even funny but I can't help but laugh. is she looking for fun? is she looking for money? does it even matter at this point? I just feel so alone, that seeing her being with all these men makes me want to be more distant than I was from her. I understand she needs money, but how long will she be doing this? She was telling me that once she gets her pussy, it wouldn't be as exhausting because "I'll just lay there, and take the fucking." Okay, so... are you planning on escorting for the rest of your life? When is this gonna end? Surgery>escroting>surgery>escroting>surgery>escroting>surgery>escroting. That's what it looks like it to me. After you do a surgery, you gotta get your money back by hooking. and after you get your money back at some point, you gotta get your money's worth. And then you get addicted, and then it just becomes your life. and then you want me to lick your ass??? HEEEEELLLL NO! I gotta say... I took the biggest risk of my life rimming this girl, when she escorts. And now the more I learn about her, the more I don't want to see her and do sexual favors for her.
Now she said that after the surgery, she won't be seeing anyone for a while. So, I guess she'll want to use me for emotional support right? Someone who'll be there for her, and comfort her. This is really fucked up, and makes me really sad. I wanna cry seeing this shit. Beautiful women who go out and get their brains fucked by alpha, good looking males with huge dicks, and when it's time to get all cuddly, and have someone hold them, I'm supposed to appear like I didn't just see the first part? The worst part about this whole thing is, I am completely alone. I have no friends, and never had a girlfriend. Meeting this girl... for free... was like a miracle. I have not a single clue how it happened. She actually told me that I got her attention because I knew her name, as we've met before. If I didn't, she wouldn't have replied to my e-mail. I guess it shows me that anything is possible. But I really want to go out this Thursday to a strip bar, because I am tired of being alone thinking about this girl, when she is too busy getting fucked by strange men.
It will be really interesting to see her reaction if she ever sees me out. Will she get mad? She has no fucking right to get mad. She is constantly out trying to make money. And how do I know she is not out just to get fucked because she's horny? She texted me multiple times that she's horny, but I told her I stay at home so it's not like she can just come here and get fucked. And her mother is visiting her right now, so I can't exactly go and fuck her at her place. And technically, we only fucked once that firs time. She knows I'm inexperienced because I told her. Is that another reason she could be looking for sex with guys?
Yeah, it's all bad. But now I realized that I must do whatever it takes to get my own life together. Fuck this girl. I don't take her seriously anymore. Even after she comes calling me after her surgery. I'm gonna bring all this stuff up to her, because I think it's fucked up to use good guys like me in this way. This is why I got into Pick Up, but it's filled with pieces of shits like RSD, and all the retards who worship them. I can't be around that fuckery now, even though I wanna get back into the game soon to get my power back that I feel like I lost almost completely. But first thing, I need to get my own place. Once that happens, look for better employment, or better yet study for another IT certificate that can get me more money. I don't know exactly, but I need to start planning out my life, than having this one-itis crush with an escort.
Some days I just wish that people, especially this tranny, would know how lonely I am, and how disconnected I feel from the whole humanity. Tears are rolling down my eyes after typing this. I feel so cold, and alone, the words can't even express how empty this feeling is inside my soul. I literally have no one, but my mom and a few other people who are never around. And when they're gone, who will be there for me? I complain about having a hard time getting along with my mom, but when she's gone, how will I feel then? I thought about that a week ago. I don't know how to make friends. How do you invite people into your life, when you don't have one? "Hey, come and hang out with me in my room, where I stay most of my free time?" or "let's hang out at the beach, where I go to once a month all by myself"?
Life is hard. That's all I really gotta say right now. I just pray it will get better for me one day. Hopefully soon... Blogging this feels so good. I feel like I just had a therapy session. I need to cry more often, and let all my pain out. Tired of keeping it all inside from years of misery and loneliness.
Monday, November 10, 2014
Alien movies aren't too far from the Truth
I am talking about Alien movies directed by Ridley Scott, starting Tom Skerritt, and Sigourney Weaver.
I am reading this National Geographic issue of November 2014 titled "Real Zombies: The Strange Science of the Living Dead". It's also called "Meet Nature's Nightmare: MINDSUCKERS." It's talking about some of the parasites that exist on this planet that use their hosts. And when they are done with everything they needed, they take over the host's brain and make it commit suicide. Of course it's different in every case. But this is what happens to a house cricket when it scavenges dead insects. The horsehair worm invades its body. The larvae of the parasite gets inside the cricket, and then grows inside its body. When the worm is fully grown, it takes over the brain of the cricket, and makes it jump in the nearest lake or body of water. The cricket dies, and the worm emerges.
But it doesn't end there. There is this wasp called Dinocampus coccinellae, that uses a ladybug to carry its eggs. It finds a ladybug, stings it into its underside, inserting eggs along with chemicals. When the larva hatches, it feeds on the ladybug's insides. So the ladybug goes on about eating other insects, while larvae feeds on their remains inside the stomach. When a few weeks goes by, the larvae is large enough to leave its host. It exits out through a chink of the ladybug's exoskeleton.
But it gets even worse. From now on, the ladybug is a slave. It's free of the wasp's larva parasite, but its mind is controlled. So all it does is protects the silk cocoon beneath it from any predators that dare go near it. At the end of this hideous ordeal, most ladybugs die.
There is many other cases, but one other one is about this parasite called Toxoplasma gondii, which effects mice and rats. It can create thousands of cysts in the brain of its host. But in order for it to reproduce, it needs a cat. So what does it do? It takes over the brain of a rat or a mice, and the rat completely loses its fear of cats. Instead of being scared, it becomes curious of the scent of a cat's urine. So it goes towards the scent and BAM, gets eaten. Then Toxoplasma reproduces in the cat's excrement. The parasite doesn't reach cat's brain, but hey now it multiplied, and on to the next cycle. Here is one video I found on NG website.
There is lots more about frogs that commit suicide by going towards herons, ants, spiders, and caterpillars. It just kind of reminded of Alien movies. If you think that sort of stuff is a work of science fiction, think again. It's happening right here on this planet. And if it's happening on Earth, which is like a tiny grain of sand compared to how humungus the Universe really is, what makes you think it isn't happening somewhere else? After all, "out there" is really "here." To the beings that live on the other side of the cosmos, we are "out there." But to us, it's the complete opposite.
I don't know if the guy who wrote Alien movies is a complete genius, or maybe he just studied a lot of animal life on our planet. Either way, this is some scary shit that's fascinating at the same time.
I am reading this National Geographic issue of November 2014 titled "Real Zombies: The Strange Science of the Living Dead". It's also called "Meet Nature's Nightmare: MINDSUCKERS." It's talking about some of the parasites that exist on this planet that use their hosts. And when they are done with everything they needed, they take over the host's brain and make it commit suicide. Of course it's different in every case. But this is what happens to a house cricket when it scavenges dead insects. The horsehair worm invades its body. The larvae of the parasite gets inside the cricket, and then grows inside its body. When the worm is fully grown, it takes over the brain of the cricket, and makes it jump in the nearest lake or body of water. The cricket dies, and the worm emerges.
But it doesn't end there. There is this wasp called Dinocampus coccinellae, that uses a ladybug to carry its eggs. It finds a ladybug, stings it into its underside, inserting eggs along with chemicals. When the larva hatches, it feeds on the ladybug's insides. So the ladybug goes on about eating other insects, while larvae feeds on their remains inside the stomach. When a few weeks goes by, the larvae is large enough to leave its host. It exits out through a chink of the ladybug's exoskeleton.
But it gets even worse. From now on, the ladybug is a slave. It's free of the wasp's larva parasite, but its mind is controlled. So all it does is protects the silk cocoon beneath it from any predators that dare go near it. At the end of this hideous ordeal, most ladybugs die.
There is many other cases, but one other one is about this parasite called Toxoplasma gondii, which effects mice and rats. It can create thousands of cysts in the brain of its host. But in order for it to reproduce, it needs a cat. So what does it do? It takes over the brain of a rat or a mice, and the rat completely loses its fear of cats. Instead of being scared, it becomes curious of the scent of a cat's urine. So it goes towards the scent and BAM, gets eaten. Then Toxoplasma reproduces in the cat's excrement. The parasite doesn't reach cat's brain, but hey now it multiplied, and on to the next cycle. Here is one video I found on NG website.
There is lots more about frogs that commit suicide by going towards herons, ants, spiders, and caterpillars. It just kind of reminded of Alien movies. If you think that sort of stuff is a work of science fiction, think again. It's happening right here on this planet. And if it's happening on Earth, which is like a tiny grain of sand compared to how humungus the Universe really is, what makes you think it isn't happening somewhere else? After all, "out there" is really "here." To the beings that live on the other side of the cosmos, we are "out there." But to us, it's the complete opposite.
I don't know if the guy who wrote Alien movies is a complete genius, or maybe he just studied a lot of animal life on our planet. Either way, this is some scary shit that's fascinating at the same time.
Saturday, November 8, 2014
Up All Night in a Hotel Room
So I just woke a few hours ago, at around 4pm. Me and my new
Tranny friend decided to get away in a hotel for the night.
The first plan was to get away for the whole weekend to Half
Moon Bay. She never been there, and said she was open. But then when she never
got back to me by Thursday, I started to feel like she is too busy doing her
escort job than wanting to hang out. I started thinking about all of my past
experiences, and that she is probably like everyone else. Then I thought it’s
over between us, as people tend to leave me over time. So, I didn’t text her
until I heard from her on Friday. She said she’s free that night, but the next
day she was going to be busy.
I wanted to get together with her and tell her that this
isn’t working out, and that I don’t feel safe doing stuff like rimming her when
she escorts for a living. But when we met up, her vibe was just amazing! I
completely forgot that she is such a good person.
I decided to get us a local hotel room near the beach.
Hanging out with her was possibly one of the greatest nights of my life. At first, we were like ‘okay, we’ll stay up till 2, or 3’. Then before we knew it, we’re up till 5 am. Just laying there holding each other, watching videos, movies, etc.. talking about all sorts of things most people would find weird, and outrageous.
Hanging out with her was possibly one of the greatest nights of my life. At first, we were like ‘okay, we’ll stay up till 2, or 3’. Then before we knew it, we’re up till 5 am. Just laying there holding each other, watching videos, movies, etc.. talking about all sorts of things most people would find weird, and outrageous.
We talked about names and how both of us changed ours, and
how much of your personality could change due to you changing your name. I am
actually looking to change mine again after having this conversation. I told
her about my Egyptian Goddess, and she told me about her Aztec God. Spirit
Animals, ayahuasca, etc.. just a lot of unconventional stuff.
I realized how challenging her life is. She has to pay rent,
health insurance, and also work her regular job outside of doing her escort services.
She is not like a street hooker at all, takes great care of herself, eats
healthy, and even meditates. I kinda regretted taking a few hits from her joint
after getting nervous. I realize more and more that weed is just not for me, or
at least I need to learn how to be calm when I smoke it.
The whole night was just amazing. I realized that I made a
real friend this time. She is a loner, like me, and is very open. I mean, I
meet some open-minded people. But she is just unlike anyone I’ve ever met, and
has a completely non-judgmental personality about life, sex, etc.. It’s rare I
meet someone like her. She wants to do a full surgery and get a pussy. I said
that everything about her is beautiful, and she shouldn’t change a thing. It’s
amazing how some people just have body features that aren’t of their gender. Her
ass has this natural, feminine, and curvy shape. Even she has ass implants, she
told me that she has always had the curves. It’s just unbelievable. If you’d
see her walking around half naked, you’d think she’s a girl. I was surprised to hear that when she was a stripper in Tijuana, she was making a $1,000 per night with men thinking she's a real woman.
Everything about that night was showing me good signs,
including numerology. We’re walking past hotel rooms, and see room 222, going
to a gas station to get some water; the gas price says 3.33. Looking at her
phone clock and it shows 4:44. Then we walking back to our hotel room, and see
triple numbers AGAIN. She says to me, “something is happening right now”… This
wasn’t like any other night. We want to get together again soon. Not sure when
that will be, but hopefully soon.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
I just had sex
This happened on Sunday, November 2, 2014. So technically, I am not a virgin anymore. But I feel like I still am. Nothing magical happened. Nothing spectacular. I didn’t transform into some experienced guy who is now mature, and is good with women. I’m still the same old nervous, shy, and sensitive guy that I was before sex. But am I still really a virgin?
Okay, so if you remember my I like Trannies blog, the story doesn’t end there. But it continues with this post. I saw this same girl on cl (recognized her body as there was no face pic), and e-mailed her saying what’s up. She was wondering who knows her by name and we connected. After sending her a few pics, she remembered me. We decided to hook up, and went to a place with hot tubs. It’s sort of like a hotel room, but with a little bed and a hot tub. My first time there, but I remember seeing them from porn.
So I get real nervous meeting her for some reason. I’m not sure if maybe we have no connection, or there is such a huge cultural barrier between us, that it’s hard to find a common language. Maybe we just don’t vibe? I don’t know. But the whole time I was nervous, and this isn’t like me usually. I used to be this way before, but nowadays I am more relaxed around people. Was it because she was a woman? Well, technically a Tranny, but a woman in my eyes.
We get to a hot tub, I pay for our private room. And we undress, touching each other. We talk a little bit, and then get in the tub. It was so hot at first, but took me awhile to get used to it. I took a hit from her blunt, so that got me sort of acting weird, and nervous. I freaked her out a little bit when she was touching my cock and I pulled away. Like I was afraid of her having STDs, etc.. Then She says ‘you wanna fuck me?’ I say yeah. I put on a condom, get some lubricant, and she guides my cock into her ass. 3 Strokes and I pulled out because I felt like I was about to cum. That KILLED THE WHOLE VIBE! This girl is fucking BEAUTIFUL, and I’m guessing she isn’t used to guys pulling out so quickly. She sort of got weirded out, asking me why I’m so weird. After talking for a few minutes, she felt bad, and we just got back into it. I was really cautious, and I told her that it’s my problem. I am overly cautious, and she technically is an escort. But she is upscale. Has her website, doesn’t post on cl for her services (outside of hooking up I guess). Her clients are very well off, and not bums off the street. She told me she doesn’t do it that often, and only once a month. I killed the vibe again because I was reluctant to lick her ass. Then she says “how do I know you’re clean?” And even though I told her I NEVER had unprotected sex, she still was technically right, and told me she never had either. How do we both know we’re clean?
So I said fuck it. I am taking a business class right now. And it talks about how if you want to become an entrepreneur at some point in your life, you gotta take risks. There is no way around that. I started jerking her off, playing with her breasts, and the whole time we making out in between talking, and playing around. I told her to get out of the tub and sit on the edge. She was SO FUCKING SEXY! Cinnamon complexion that gets darker around her ass and privates, super clean, smells good, good girl, very cautious around the type of people she is friends with. I think to myself “this isn’t a girl who’d be dirty”. So, I just went with my feeling.
I start licking her ass, and her balls. Then eventually make my way to her asshole and OMFGGGGGGG…. THIS WAS THE BEST PART OF THE SEX! I didn’t even cum because my boner lost Its power when I killed the mood by pulling out. when she started calling me weird, I just couldn’t be that horny anymore. But licking her brown, clean, fresh, soft, tender, juicy ass was the ultimate fantasy I’ve had with Trannies. THIS WAS AMAZING!!!!!!!!! She came in like 3 minutes cuz she said she was really horny. She liked me fingering her ass while I rim it, but that was kinda hard. My tongue was also sore cuz HOT DAYMN IT’S HARD WORK AND WORKS YOUR TONGUE MUSCLES! I thought it was easy from watching it in pornos.
I don’t know, but there is a lot more details I’m leaving out because there is just too much to include. She is looking for a guy to be fwb with, and I’m so open to that. But I just don’t know if we have any connection. It was amazing just holding her and kissing her. My first technical “girlfriend” experience I’ve had with any girl.
The thing that made me think I’m still a virgin, was how short it was. She even let me fuck her hard afterwards but stopped me 30 secs in; said I was hurting her. I don’t know but seems like Trannies are sensitive. But I fucking love them. I don’t think I’d have the same attraction towards women. Too much bad experience, and I feel like there is a block in my mind, or In between me and the female species. Ehhh… who cares. This whole experience was just amazing. Better than the last 2, but so far I’ve yet to enjoy sex by cumming. It’s not the same. It’s not like holding your dick in your hand and squeezing it at the time of the orgasm. When you cum in a girl’s mouth, or her ass-pussy in this case (no homo of course, yes Tranny), it feels weird… It’s like I have no control over how good I feel at the time of the nut.
We’ll see what happens with this girl. But I’m gonna ask her if she wanna get a hotel room next week and spend the entire weekend fooling around together. I really like her. She is honest, even about her being materialistic. But that’s what I like, honesty. And I told her that I’m the same.
Hopefully, there is a part 3 coming soon to this chapter. Stay tuned…
p.s. I kinda feel special, because I taught her what French kiss means. She is taking ESL classes, and so was I when I came to US. Also, she asked me for some help with learning about indigenous cultures, and I was like are you fucking serious? That’s all I fucking know, and study on my own time. Shamanism is the TRUTH that lives in the heart of the Amazon. So, technically I taught her 2 things. The second about ayahuasca, and she already said she wants to drink it. I think we can learn a lot from each other. So, I’m hoping for the best. But you never know. Shit falls apart when you least suspect it to. I digress.
Okay, so if you remember my I like Trannies blog, the story doesn’t end there. But it continues with this post. I saw this same girl on cl (recognized her body as there was no face pic), and e-mailed her saying what’s up. She was wondering who knows her by name and we connected. After sending her a few pics, she remembered me. We decided to hook up, and went to a place with hot tubs. It’s sort of like a hotel room, but with a little bed and a hot tub. My first time there, but I remember seeing them from porn.
So I get real nervous meeting her for some reason. I’m not sure if maybe we have no connection, or there is such a huge cultural barrier between us, that it’s hard to find a common language. Maybe we just don’t vibe? I don’t know. But the whole time I was nervous, and this isn’t like me usually. I used to be this way before, but nowadays I am more relaxed around people. Was it because she was a woman? Well, technically a Tranny, but a woman in my eyes.
We get to a hot tub, I pay for our private room. And we undress, touching each other. We talk a little bit, and then get in the tub. It was so hot at first, but took me awhile to get used to it. I took a hit from her blunt, so that got me sort of acting weird, and nervous. I freaked her out a little bit when she was touching my cock and I pulled away. Like I was afraid of her having STDs, etc.. Then She says ‘you wanna fuck me?’ I say yeah. I put on a condom, get some lubricant, and she guides my cock into her ass. 3 Strokes and I pulled out because I felt like I was about to cum. That KILLED THE WHOLE VIBE! This girl is fucking BEAUTIFUL, and I’m guessing she isn’t used to guys pulling out so quickly. She sort of got weirded out, asking me why I’m so weird. After talking for a few minutes, she felt bad, and we just got back into it. I was really cautious, and I told her that it’s my problem. I am overly cautious, and she technically is an escort. But she is upscale. Has her website, doesn’t post on cl for her services (outside of hooking up I guess). Her clients are very well off, and not bums off the street. She told me she doesn’t do it that often, and only once a month. I killed the vibe again because I was reluctant to lick her ass. Then she says “how do I know you’re clean?” And even though I told her I NEVER had unprotected sex, she still was technically right, and told me she never had either. How do we both know we’re clean?
So I said fuck it. I am taking a business class right now. And it talks about how if you want to become an entrepreneur at some point in your life, you gotta take risks. There is no way around that. I started jerking her off, playing with her breasts, and the whole time we making out in between talking, and playing around. I told her to get out of the tub and sit on the edge. She was SO FUCKING SEXY! Cinnamon complexion that gets darker around her ass and privates, super clean, smells good, good girl, very cautious around the type of people she is friends with. I think to myself “this isn’t a girl who’d be dirty”. So, I just went with my feeling.
I start licking her ass, and her balls. Then eventually make my way to her asshole and OMFGGGGGGG…. THIS WAS THE BEST PART OF THE SEX! I didn’t even cum because my boner lost Its power when I killed the mood by pulling out. when she started calling me weird, I just couldn’t be that horny anymore. But licking her brown, clean, fresh, soft, tender, juicy ass was the ultimate fantasy I’ve had with Trannies. THIS WAS AMAZING!!!!!!!!! She came in like 3 minutes cuz she said she was really horny. She liked me fingering her ass while I rim it, but that was kinda hard. My tongue was also sore cuz HOT DAYMN IT’S HARD WORK AND WORKS YOUR TONGUE MUSCLES! I thought it was easy from watching it in pornos.
I don’t know, but there is a lot more details I’m leaving out because there is just too much to include. She is looking for a guy to be fwb with, and I’m so open to that. But I just don’t know if we have any connection. It was amazing just holding her and kissing her. My first technical “girlfriend” experience I’ve had with any girl.
The thing that made me think I’m still a virgin, was how short it was. She even let me fuck her hard afterwards but stopped me 30 secs in; said I was hurting her. I don’t know but seems like Trannies are sensitive. But I fucking love them. I don’t think I’d have the same attraction towards women. Too much bad experience, and I feel like there is a block in my mind, or In between me and the female species. Ehhh… who cares. This whole experience was just amazing. Better than the last 2, but so far I’ve yet to enjoy sex by cumming. It’s not the same. It’s not like holding your dick in your hand and squeezing it at the time of the orgasm. When you cum in a girl’s mouth, or her ass-pussy in this case (no homo of course, yes Tranny), it feels weird… It’s like I have no control over how good I feel at the time of the nut.
We’ll see what happens with this girl. But I’m gonna ask her if she wanna get a hotel room next week and spend the entire weekend fooling around together. I really like her. She is honest, even about her being materialistic. But that’s what I like, honesty. And I told her that I’m the same.
Hopefully, there is a part 3 coming soon to this chapter. Stay tuned…
p.s. I kinda feel special, because I taught her what French kiss means. She is taking ESL classes, and so was I when I came to US. Also, she asked me for some help with learning about indigenous cultures, and I was like are you fucking serious? That’s all I fucking know, and study on my own time. Shamanism is the TRUTH that lives in the heart of the Amazon. So, technically I taught her 2 things. The second about ayahuasca, and she already said she wants to drink it. I think we can learn a lot from each other. So, I’m hoping for the best. But you never know. Shit falls apart when you least suspect it to. I digress.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)