Red Corner MOVIE REVIEW

I want to talk about something really quick. It is about not standing up and facing the music. I'll use myself as an example.

All my life since I was a little kid I was always running away. I was running away from who I am. I was scared, but I would run away and deny it. I somewhat stood up for myself in a half assed way not understanding fear. But at the same time hating it and wishing it wasn't there. At some point when my family moved to America, I was 12, almost 13, I thought that this was my chance to completely escape. To run far away from all my problems and my past, and my fears. I envisioned a new life here in a new, unfamiliar, foreign land. I thought I would have an amazing future, an amazing fresh new start, and everything would be alright. Little did I know that when I came to this new land, all of my past that I was trying so hard to escape from manifested in different forms through different people. It all followed me here. And I found myself dealing with SAME EXACT THINGS! But this time, it was much worse. Not only did I not stand up for myself half assed, I had completely given up on facing my fears because of my 'run away' mentality. And things got even worse. My fear was so intense for 2 years straight, that at some point I have developed PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I won't go into details on how and why and when. But I will say this. This movie, Red Corner, is about that.

It's about breaking that patter that many of us, if not damn near all of us, are stuck in. The pattern of blocking out our own problems, our own flaws, and running away from them instead of standing up and FACING THE MUSIC! And when you finally stand up and face the music to break through your flaws, fears, and imperfections, it's as if your spirit transforms not only in this world, but in many other dimensions or planes of existences. And when you make that decision to finally break the pattern, the loop that you're stuck in, even if it means your own death, nothing will ever be the same again.

This is what Red Corner is about. For all the people who understand exactly what I am talking about, this movie is for you. 5/5 stars.

47 Ronin MOVIE REVIEW

This has got to be the BEST movie I have seen in 2013, period. It has an amazing story, an amazing cast, an amazing action, and an amazing ending. It is very emotional, and has all sorts of elements a movie should have. Magic, sorcery, life, death, rebirth, transformation, oppression, discrimination (I personally relate to Keanu Reves character), love, and much more.

If you haven't seen this film, go out and see it RIGHT NOW! It doesn't matter if it's still in theaters or already out on DVD by the time you read this. I am so glad I went to see it in theaters tonight, 11/29/13, 2 days before the new years. I couldn't watch it in 3d because I missed the showtime by 30 minutes, but I am really thinking about going back now. I was meditating watching this film because I was completely lost in it. This movie makes me want to look up the REAL 47 Ronin in Japan.

5/5 stars. A MUST SEE for any real movie fans who love a great story, depth, and adventure of what every great movie should be.

New Music, December 2013

So, I have been searching for new music since I don't listen to tv or radio anymore. Anytime I find something I like I will post it here on my blog. and if I find more stuff in December, I'll edit it in this post.

Josh Butler - Got A Feeling (Bontan Remix, Pleasurekraft Edit)

Music Genre: Deep House

so I'm listening to Nick Phoenix - Speed of Sound album...

and some of these songs are fucking awesome while high. I started 420ing again just a few months ago. this is fucking amazing. I feel like I'm living in the future space age on this first song

Two Steps From Hell - Planetize


Two Steps From Hell - Raxez 19



not bad stuff from Two Steps From Hell. I always shun away from them because their name is fucking stupid, but they make some amazing tracks. gotta give respect where respect is due.

Date with a BBW, part II

okay, so I had a date with that same BBW I blogged about previously. and it was a good, and it was bad. I am going to talk about good first because that's how it appeared to be at first.

I picked her up at subway and we got some tea and blended drink. we drove to a park, parked the car, and just chit chatted. I told her I wanna make out with her but she mentioned she may have a cold so I can't. then I suggested we move to the backseat so we can get closer. We did, and I started touching her all over, her thighs, arms, etc.. we talked a little bit and she is open to fooling around with me. Long story short I end up feeling between her legs, and the next thing I snuck my hand from her back and got inside her pussy. She started moaning and was worried people would see us. There was 2 cars parked, one eventually left and the other was still there but they didn't notice us since it was a family with kids doing their own thing. I finger fucked her really good, and she appeared to have a small pussy.

Now here is the bad part... her ass... smelled... like SHIT! After I was done, I smelled my fingers and OMFG!!!!!!! ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I was disgusted. I finger fucked the shit out of her, literally. And I never even tried to go for her asshole! She smelled like she took a dump before she came, and didn't even shower. Then as she started sweating, she was smelling with sweat. It was really appalling. Now, she can't host since she lives with her mom. And this is ironic because I am in the same boat, but she is way older than me. I told her we can get a hotel and fuck and she was open to it. But the more I kept thinking about it, the more turned off I got.

It was so bad, that when driving from the park to bring her to the subway station, it smelled like shit in the car. I opened up windows and was trying to avoid being close to her. Then when she left, it turned out that both of my hands smelled like SHIT. I was disgusted driving home sitting waaaaaaaaaaaaay back in my seat so I won't smell my hands on the steering wheel. I was afraid touching the steering wheel so that I wouldn't contaminate it with shit. I drove back home, parked, and almost the entire backseat smelled like SHIT!!!!!!! OMGGGGGGGGGG. I had to take some cleaning detergent and clean the back seat really good. I took off my jeans, and they too smelled like shit because I told her to sit on top of me with her ass and then dry humped her from the back. Those jeans were washed a few weeks back and I wore them for the first time today! Then I washed my hands 4x and I still smelled the nasty ass odor I picked up from her. Then I realized that my lower arms smell bad too since she touched me there after I touched her hands with mine when they were smelling really bad. I just took a shower and I am still appalled at how this night turned out. I was thinking of telling her this and say something like, "I can meet up with you again, but only if you shower really good and clean your ass". But would that be super rude? I mean DAMN! I feel it was super rude of her to come see me with her stank ass. Jesus Christ it was nasty. I made her cum 5 times but I was stinking like shit afterwards. Not sure if it was even worth it.

Let me say this. The Tranny I blogged about was 10x cleaner! When I was laying on bed with her, I touched her asshole with my right middle finger, and when I smelled it, it was as clean as if my hands were just washed with soap! My finger was cleaner than it is now after washing my hands 4x, and showering! Man... I really don't know if I want to see this stank bitch again. I understand if you a big girl, it's hard to wash back there but DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CLEAN YOUR STANK ASS BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU GO OUT ON A DATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

had a Date with a BBW

so with Black Friday I was working the grave shift till 8am. had a few hours of sleep and met up with this BBW MILF with no children. we met from badoo and she knows I want to fuck her. it went okay and actually she likes me. we set up a second date with us going to the beach. I will mos def make out with her or even maybe if it gets dark we can do some car play, but I am not sure where to take it to close the deal. I live with my mom. she, ironically, lives with her mom. And the only thing I could think of is getting a hotel room.

I can see us being fuck buddies having fwb sort of thing, but I don't see me and her together in a ltr. Damn I want to fuck her. I hate it not having my own place. otherwise, it would be much easier.

gotta think on how I can get some money to be able to afford having my own apartment. even having your own room with roommates is not as nice, but it beats living with your parents. I guess I'll get a hotel room if she is down. we'll see what happens. I'll keep you guys updated.

The Future of Humankind

I'm just done reading some of the parts of this essay "The Law of Accelerating Returns", which I found through The Zeitgeist Movement. If you don't know about the TZM, here is what this movement is all about...

The Zeitgeist Movement is a global sustainability activist group working to bring the world together for the common goal of species sustainability before it is too late. Divisive notions such as nations, governments, races, political parties, religions, creeds or class are non-operational distinctions in the view of The Movement. Rather, we recognize the world as one system and the human species as a singular unit, sharing a common habitat.


 and I was thinking about what is going to happen in a few decades. We are heading towards singularity. The computers will get so fast and so smart, they will surpass our limited brains' views and understanding. That 1 hour would be equivalent to one thousand years of history in our current thinking evolution. Computers that will get so smart that they'll create other computers to thinking faster and better. I'm gonna stop now and post a part of this essay. The whole thing is HUUUUGE so it may take you a while to read it. But here is what I'm talking about... Let me know what you think.

The Singularity Is Near

To appreciate the nature and significance of the coming “singularity,” it is important to ponder the nature of exponential growth. Toward this end, I am fond of telling the tale of the inventor of chess and his patron, the emperor of China. In response to the emperor’s offer of a reward for his new beloved game, the inventor asked for a single grain of rice on the first square, two on the second square, four on the third, and so on. The Emperor quickly granted this seemingly benign and humble request. One version of the story has the emperor going bankrupt as the 63 doublings ultimately totaled 18 million trillion grains of rice. At ten grains of rice per square inch, this requires rice fields covering twice the surface area of the Earth, oceans included. Another version of the story has the inventor losing his head.

It should be pointed out that as the emperor and the inventor went through the first half of the chess board, things were fairly uneventful. The inventor was given spoonfuls of rice, then bowls of rice, then barrels. By the end of the first half of the chess board, the inventor had accumulated one large field’s worth (4 billion grains), and the emperor did start to take notice. It was as they progressed through the second half of the chessboard that the situation quickly deteriorated. Incidentally, with regard to the doublings of computation, that’s about where we stand now–there have been slightly more than 32 doublings of performance since the first programmable computers were invented during World War II.

This is the nature of exponential growth. Although technology grows in the exponential domain, we humans live in a linear world. So technological trends are not noticed as small levels of technological power are doubled. Then seemingly out of nowhere, a technology explodes into view. For example, when the Internet went from 20,000 to 80,000 nodes over a two year period during the 1980s, this progress remained hidden from the general public. A decade later, when it went from 20 million to 80 million nodes in the same amount of time, the impact was rather conspicuous.

As exponential growth continues to accelerate into the first half of the twenty-first century, it will appear to explode into infinity, at least from the limited and linear perspective of contemporary humans. The progress will ultimately become so fast that it will rupture our ability to follow it. It will literally get out of our control. The illusion that we have our hand “on the plug,” will be dispelled.

Can the pace of technological progress continue to speed up indefinitely? Is there not a point where humans are unable to think fast enough to keep up with it? With regard to unenhanced humans, clearly so. But what would a thousand scientists, each a thousand times more intelligent than human scientists today, and each operating a thousand times faster than contemporary humans (because the information processing in their primarily nonbiological brains is faster) accomplish? One year would be like a millennium. What would they come up with?

Well, for one thing, they would come up with technology to become even more intelligent (because their intelligence is no longer of fixed capacity). They would change their own thought processes to think even faster. When the scientists evolve to be a million times more intelligent and operate a million times faster, then an hour would result in a century of progress (in today’s terms).

This, then, is the Singularity. The Singularity is technological change so rapid and so profound that it represents a rupture in the fabric of human history. Some would say that we cannot comprehend the Singularity, at least with our current level of understanding, and that it is impossible, therefore, to look past its “event horizon” and make sense of what lies beyond.

My view is that despite our profound limitations of thought, constrained as we are today to a mere hundred trillion interneuronal connections in our biological brains, we nonetheless have sufficient powers of abstraction to make meaningful statements about the nature of life after the Singularity. Most importantly, it is my view that the intelligence that will emerge will continue to represent the human civilization, which is already a human-machine civilization. This will be the next step in evolution, the next high level paradigm shift.

To put the concept of Singularity into perspective, let’s explore the history of the word itself. Singularity is a familiar word meaning a unique event with profound implications. In mathematics, the term implies infinity, the explosion of value that occurs when dividing a constant by a number that gets closer and closer to zero. In physics, similarly, a singularity denotes an event or location of infinite power. At the center of a black hole, matter is so dense that its gravity is infinite. As nearby matter and energy are drawn into the black hole, an event horizon separates the region from the rest of the Universe. It constitutes a rupture in the fabric of space and time. The Universe itself is said to have begun with just such a Singularity.

In the 1950s, John Von Neumann was quoted as saying that “the ever accelerating progress of technology…gives the appearance of approaching some essential singularity in the history of the race beyond which human affairs, as we know them, could not continue.” In the 1960s, I. J. Good wrote of an “intelligence explosion,” resulting from intelligent machines designing their next generation without human intervention. In 1986, Vernor Vinge, a mathematician and computer scientist at San Diego State University, wrote about a rapidly approaching technological “singularity” in his science fiction novel, Marooned in Realtime. Then in 1993, Vinge presented a paper to a NASA-organized symposium which described the Singularity as an impending event resulting primarily from the advent of “entities with greater than human intelligence,” which Vinge saw as the harbinger of a run-away phenomenon.

From my perspective, the Singularity has many faces. It represents the nearly vertical phase of exponential growth where the rate of growth is so extreme that technology appears to be growing at infinite speed. Of course, from a mathematical perspective, there is no discontinuity, no rupture, and the growth rates remain finite, albeit extraordinarily large. But from our currently limited perspective, this imminent event appears to be an acute and abrupt break in the continuity of progress. However, I emphasize the word “currently,” because one of the salient implications of the Singularity will be a change in the nature of our ability to understand. In other words, we will become vastly smarter as we merge with our technology.

When I wrote my first book, The Age of Intelligent Machines, in the 1980s, I ended the book with the specter of the emergence of machine intelligence greater than human intelligence, but found it difficult to look beyond this event horizon. Now having thought about its implications for the past 20 years, I feel that we are indeed capable of understanding the many facets of this threshold, one that will transform all spheres of human life.

Consider a few examples of the implications. The bulk of our experiences will shift from real reality to virtual reality. Most of the intelligence of our civilization will ultimately be nonbiological, which by the end of this century will be trillions of trillions of times more powerful than human intelligence. However, to address often expressed concerns, this does not imply the end of biological intelligence, even if thrown from its perch of evolutionary superiority. Moreover, it is important to note that the nonbiological forms will be derivative of biological design. In other words, our civilization will remain human, indeed in many ways more exemplary of what we regard as human than it is today, although our understanding of the term will move beyond its strictly biological origins.

Many observers have nonetheless expressed alarm at the emergence of forms of nonbiological intelligence superior to human intelligence. The potential to augment our own intelligence through intimate connection with other thinking mediums does not necessarily alleviate the concern, as some people have expressed the wish to remain “unenhanced” while at the same time keeping their place at the top of the intellectual food chain. My view is that the likely outcome is that on the one hand, from the perspective of biological humanity, these superhuman intelligences will appear to be their transcendent servants, satisfying their needs and desires. On the other hand, fulfilling the wishes of a revered biological legacy will occupy only a trivial portion of the intellectual power that the Singularity will bring.

Needless to say, the Singularity will transform all aspects of our lives, social, sexual, and economic, which I explore herewith.

http://www.kurzweilai.net/the-law-of-accelerating-returns

FUCK Google+, part II

So I made a long rant last time I was posting about Google+ and its pathetic attempt to make it into a social media. This right here is exactly how I feel about Google+

Fear is still kicking my ass

so I was on my lunch, and went to Chipotle to get a burrito. I stand in line and there is this thick girl in front of me. I'm thinking DAMN she fine. She turns around and we had eye contact. She looks away ordering her food while a moment later playing with her hair. I look elsewhere and see her from my peripheral turning my way AGAIN to see if I'm looking. I wasn't since I didn't want to make her feel like I'm a creep. She played with her hair again. Now I'm thinking 'damn, I haven't done an approach in a LONG ass time'. So, I don't think much of it and just let it go. Then I get my food and see her sit there somewhere. There is 1 seat available next to her and it's secluded. She puts her stuff on the table of the 2nd seat. I get my burrito and sit elsewhere thinking, thinking, thinking. "Should I approach her? If I do, what should I say? Should I say hey, what's your name? Should I say hey I wanted to say hi? Should I say hey I thought you were cute? No, that last part is bad since white girls get freaked out. I don't know... How do I even approach someone in a place like this? Situational opener? It's hard as fuck thinking of a "situational opener" when you're nervous as fuck' so, I'm like okay fuck it. after I finish half of my burrito I'll go say hi. then fear kicks in, it rises higher and higher i'm like FUCK I CANT EVEN EAT ANYMORE. I just start wrapping my burrito up since I only ate 40% of it and can't focus on anything! Then what happens? She gets up and leaves.

At this point I felt WEAK AS FUCK. I felt at a total loss of power. Like I just let it go and didn't do anything. Fear kicked my ass! I let fear run me but at the same time, why? It's all because of shame. I am ashamed. Ashamed of everything. Ever since I was a kid my mom taught me to be ashamed. and not to blame her or nothing, but this is how it was. The first time she caught me masturbating against the leg of our living room table, she told me it's bad. She said people who do that go insane and made up a bunch of lies. So, as a young kid (I was about 5 or 6) who was horny as hell, I kept masturbating feeling ashamed. Years go by and I'm secretly laying in bed rubbing against the sheets like I am having sex feeling ashamed. Then we eventually move to America, and I get into big girls. I feel ashamed. I feel like a freak of nature liking BBWs and like it's not 'normal'. I feel ashamed. I hide my fetish, but ironically my grandmother is a 'BBW', so I think I have inherited my love of BBWs that way. I still feel ashamed. I get into black girls and think they are fucking amazing with their African figures. Again, I feel ashamed and hide my like for them. I have no friends and no girlfriend while my other 'friends' I had at the time lose their virginity, go with different girls. I feel ashamed. Ashamed of being the way I am and being 'different'; ashamed of being a loner who doesn't fit in anywhere. After high school is over, I develop my Tranny fetish through porn. Again, I feel ashamed. What am I? Am I gay? I don't like men. Am I straight? I don't find biological women as attractive as I once did. I feel ashamed, and hide my 'fetish'.

I eventually graduate college, move to Los Angeles, and remain distant from everyone, including my family who don't seem to want to be around me. I feel ashamed of everything. Wanting so bad of being normal, I feel ashamed. I almost met up with one black 'tgirl' off craigslist while living in SoCal, but acted suspicious so she called me out on it. Didn't happen. I felt ashamed. I go through chaos in LA, and eventually move back home to my mom's house. At this point I hit 30s and feel ashamed for still living with my mama. Now I am 34, have no friends, have never had a girlfriend outside of a one time thing in college which nothing happened because I did not make a move, and haven't had a job until last year. I feel ashamed of not having my own place, my own independence, and my own life together. A typical 34 year old is much more matured, and have had lots of experiences in life, have been across many places of this world, whether in or outside of US. But I remain this way not knowing what to do. I feel ashamed. As a result of all this shame, I stopped approaching women a few months ago. I think women feel this sort of thing. They could tell I got a lot of burden because of the way I approach them. I make them feel uncomfortable because I act like a virgin. I even remember my co-worker I blogged about with whom I went clubbing with on the New Years eve asked me this question, "Why are you acting like you're a virgin?" After that, I stopped being 'honest' with other men about how I approach women. Because he even said, 'after I had sex and felt lust. I stopped being so scared'. But time after time I would be 'honest' and I always am with people, about how nervous I was, how my hands would be shaking, etc.. And now I am ashamed to say anything, especially all the details of how I feel.

So, I don't know. I just feel like fear is kicking my ass. Getting my own independence is the hardest thing for me to do right now. It is so hard to get a job when I am not good at anything. What the hell am I gonna do with my CJ degree? I HATE LAW! I don't remember most of the things I've learned. Reasonable Cause? I don't even remember the fucking definition of that! I don't even remember what habeas corpus mean. Everytime I hear it, I gotta wiki pedia that shit. I have no passion for law or helping people in trouble. I wanted to be a probation officer, but my life is out of order and I never been in trouble. If I can't get my own ass out of the pit I'm in, how the hell am I gonna help some kid who is in the same predicament? Thank god I got a job now, and at least can afford to rent one room. But I am still not at a point where I could afford my own place. If I can, it would have to be far from the city and that would take a long ass time for commute.

All I'm saying is, approaching women you got to have your own independence and at least have your own life. What am I gonna do with a woman if she wanna fuck? Invite her to my mom's place? It's embarrassing, and well... shameful. This is why I just gave up on talking to women. All of these reason, and on top of that, I don't even like women that much! I like Trannies. I am a mess, but getting my independence is my #1 priority at this point in my life. I got to think of a plan on getting some sort of a career. Otherwise, I don't know where this rout is going to take me.

Adrift, Movie REVIEW

I have been watching a lot of Brazilian movies lately, as I am drawn to Brazilian culture more and more. I have just seen Adrift (À Deriva in Portuguese). It is about a family that is going through a separation as they are all away on a vacation living at their beach house. As their children are hanging out with other kids exploring sexuality, and having fun, things start to unfold little by little to Filipa-the main character.

This movie is very emotional. It is not very often that a film would take me away and make me forget completely about who I am and things I am dealing with in my personal life. And this movie did just that. I don't know why, exactly. Maybe it is because my parents got divorced when I was four years old, none of which I can remember. And maybe it stroke a chord inside of me and I could relate to the characters and the drama that was unfolding on a subconscious level. Or maybe it was because the director, Heitor Dhalia, and/or the writer, Claudio Carvalho, did a hell of a good job at making such an amazing film. Whatever the reason is, I got to give this movie 5/5 stars because it was absolutely brilliant. Movies like this are the types that are overlooked, forgotten, and never see the light of day because everyone is too busy overhyping all the big blockbusters that are overrated as fuck! If I knew more titles like this, I would watch them all. But life doesn't work that ways, unfortunately. Sometimes you come across a film coincidently, and it could just talk to you in ways that no other movies do. This is one of those movies.

Coin, future of Credit Cards?

this shit is crazy. We really are living in the future. And most of us don't know it. I wonder what life on Earth will be like in 10 years, if we don't wipe each other out of course.

FUCK GOOGLE+!!!

Google has got to be the worst piece of shit company that exists today. All these fucking retards do is FORCE shit onto people.

Once they bought youtube, it has been going downhill. I remember way back a few years youtube was perfect. 5 star rating system, unique channel designs, and complete freedom with what you can do with your channel. Now? It's all fucked up, thanks to google.

I remember when they changed the channel design and made it bland and all the same for everyone. Google made a video on "how to use the new channel design". And I'm not even over-exaggerating when I say this. THERE WAS 98% DISLIKES ON THE VIDEO! EVERYONE HATED IT AND EVERYONE TROLLED IN THE COMMENTS OF THE VIDEO. "fuck you google. eat shit and die!" "fuck you google, give us our old design back" etc.. What did google eventually do? Delete the video, lol. What a fucking joke.

Fast forward to today, what is the new failed idea by google? Google+, the worst piece of pointless shit I ever seen. Every few months, google changes something or things in youtube that NO ONE LIKES and you gotta adapt to their new BULLSHIT changes that NO ONE NEEDS! FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to learn your new crappy ideas that I don't need. I don't want to get used to the new layout or format of youtube. GO TO HELL!!! I DONT WANT TO USE MY REAL NAME ON YOUTUBE! THAT'S WHY I STAY AWAY FROM FACEBOOK! IF EVERYONE USED THEIR REAL NAMES, WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT OF HAVING PRIVACY? People could just google me and see where I'm from, my pics, what I did last week and with whom. FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And here is another thing that pisses me off. This google+ crap is FORCED onto us. We can't escape it because google doesn't give us a choice.

So, my proposal to everyone is to LEAVE YOUTUBE! If you want to keep a youtube channel and watch free movies, DON'T MAKE ANY NEW VIDEOS! Also, instead of googling something, bing it. I already changed my home to bing.com. And Bing's maps is MUCH MUCH FASTER than google's btw. Google does not give a FUCK about you or me. I remember when the new generic channel design got converted and how everyone hated it, there was a new "feedback" button. Did youtube/google ever listened to any of us complaining saying how much we hate it? No. Do they ever listen? Nope. Have they EVER listened? NO! They just keep adding new pointless, and idiotic innovations that no one likes. And when we complain about it, a few months later they just come up with ANOTHER retarded idea and push it onto us. Google doesn't seem to understand the phrase "if it ain't broke, don't fix it".

There are some unique video websites that may not be as popular as youtube, but they are not as fucked up the ass as google made youtube. There is Vimeo, there is Liveleak, and if you know of any better ones, please leave it in comments so I can edit this post. And I leave you with a video stating exactly how I feel about google+. FUCK GOOGLE! AND FUCK GOOGLE+!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SACHA BARON COHEN Kills Award Presenter at the 2013 Britannia Awards

Just saw this earlier today. The funniest thing I've seen in a good minute. Sacha is a fucking genius. Borat is hands down one of the greatest movies ever made. I dissed it so hard when it first came out because I was negative, miserable, and pessimistic not wanting it to give it a chance. But once I saw it very recently, I was LMFAO

In Brazil, mamas don't play

Soloflesh, Male Sex Toy

just seen this while browsing porn. WTF!? soon in like 5 years we'll have cyborgs and I won't even need to get a real g/f.

is DMT the future?

so I been watching tons of movies on DMT and Ayahuasca and lately came across this article. it's about a guy like me with social phobia and social anxiety experiencing reality from a whole other dimension so to speak... I really think that in the future ayahuasca will be used to treat all humans of all of the insanity that dwells inside of each of our heads. each individual with its own fears and limits that he places on himself.

Like many people it seems, social anxiety struck me in my late teens; probably around 17. In the two years since then I have struggled heavily with connecting with others, been actively afraid of others, and as a result, avoided contact with others. 

I believe that to combat this malady, one must understand it fully. For me it revolved largely around a complete lack of self-confidence and hyper-sensitivity to criticism. I was constantly in fear of being criticised or mocked for various reasons (needless to say, this was completely in my mind, a delusion so to speak). I created an image of myself as a loser, and thus, became one. 

A few months ago something switched in my head. I attribute this to two interconnected experiences. The first was a consumption of the hallucinogenic, DMT (Dimethyltryptamine). Usually I would completely condone drug use. I have myself been reckless with recreational drugs and alcohol in the past, and I would not recommend it to anyone suffering from social anxiety. Cannabis especially seemed to worsen my chronic symptons. However, my experience with DMT was enlightening, to say the least. As I stated previously, it was almost like it triggered a switch in my head. 

In the past I had considered individuals purely as "others" and not as individuals. It would be interesting to know if anyone else groups other humans into one large category such as I did. DMT revealed to me the base form of life at an almost atomic level. Life is based on the "interaction of things", not matter how insignificant. This is fundamental. Thus, I began to consider others as people exactly like myself, with their flaws, faults and insecurities. Why should my insecuries be so special that I should disregard and avoid people as a result?

My DMT experience was combined, a few weeks later, with a solo trip to mainland Europe. In many ways, this exemplified what DMT had taught me. Solo travel taught me that my own problems are insignificant in the greater scheme of things and that obsessing over them is utterly pointless. I also met a lot of nice people and almost learnt all over again how to interact with people.

Since my return I have put myself out socially to absolute maximum. The Jim Carrey "Yes Man" is really great inspiration to someone suffering from social anxiety. Say yes, because why not? If you keep saying yes people will keep approaching you and inviting you to social events. Okay, it might be difficult to start and you might even consider it a disaster but it is still human interaction. The absolute worse thing to do is to pretend that being solitary is combating your illness. Whatever you may do or try to alleviate your symptoms the only real cure to this disorder is to be social. Nothing else will help in the long run. By being actively social for the first time in years I have rebuilt old, damaged friendships (damaged largely as a result of my seclusion and delusional attitude), began to enjoy a thriving social life, and even had my first sexual experience (which has rocketed my self-confidence so very much). I used to be almost scared of sexual relations, but it really is the most natural thing in the world, wonderfully fun, and I really hope I can build on that experience with other members of the opposite sex.

By no means am I saying that I am cured. There is still a long way to go. I may (god forbid) even lapse but I am intent not to let that happen. I have, for the first time in my life, grabbed life by the balls, so to speak. You must remember that enjoying life isn't a privilege for a select few. Anyone, and I mean anyone can have a fulfilling life. It is not shut off to you, you are shutting yourself off from it.

I just wanted to share this with you all, and I hope someone gets something out of it. 

Peace.

-Mysterious Dr D


http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f9/progress-in-battling-social-anxiety-573553/

VitalyzdTv is stupid

the 2 guys behind the show are IDIOTS! They got arrested and jailed for going too far. fucking with black people though... is something you DON'T do!! and then try to play it off as a joke "haha, just kidding bro. I mean I was trying to steal  your $200 camera, but hahahahaha its a joke, man. get it?" NO! FUCK YOU! you are NOT funny. you playing with peoples emotions on a whole other level. making them think they will get into a fist fight, or die. IDIOTS!!!!!!!!!

notice all the fanboys come out at the video below. "they're just playing". VitalyzdTv's fanbase consists of 12 year old, teens that haven't hit puberty, or adults who have never fully matured, or even understand that there is just something a man must never do. all of the things that I AM DOING,VitalyzdTv. follow me and sub to see more videos of me making an IDIOT out of me, WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. LOOK AT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! IM A DRAMA QUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!!!!! IM FROM RUSSIA!!!!!!!!!!! HAH HA HA, I MAKE YOU THINK I'M GONNA EAT YA AND IM A ZOMBIE. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! HA HA HA HA IM HARRASSING WOMEN AT THE BEACH AND HIT ON THEM!! I MAKE THEM FEEL AWKWARD! HA HA HAHA HA! AND I DONT CARE BECAUSE IT WAS ALL A JOKE! A JOKE! HAHAHAHAH JUST A BIG JOKE!

YOU ARE A JOKE,VitalyzdTv

Badboy is amazing

from all the "PUAs" I came across and met in the seduction community, badboy is by far the best and straight to the point. Everything he says so far up to this point I agree with, and am still struggling with some of the issues he is bringing up. If I ever take another workshop, it will be his

cops in Brazil don't play

lol @ music at the end

I had Oral Sex with a Tranny on my Birthday

I just had oral sex for the first time in my life!

I know I blogged about how I like Trannies earlier, but long story short. I been having a fucking OCD with craigslist casual encounters. and finally made a posting yesterday since today is my birthday looking for a Tranny. one replied but was very vague.

I thought to self 'go out today', or maybe it was just a thought come up on its own. It's my b/d, wtf am I gonna do? every year same shit. stay home, jerk off to porn, and uh... just feel like shit about my existence.

So the tranny told me where she stays and she has an amazing thick ass in the pics. I really thought she was a hooker so I thought fuck it, I'm going anyway. went out to my tranny bar and had a bad experience there. was talking to this dude next to me about the 3 trannies near us, and winked at one of them. She waived for me to come to her, and I did. I was sooooooooooooooo nervous the whole time. I haven't been out in a long ass time and my PTSD was through the roof. I came over there chit chatting and told her 'you're drunk. you're wasted'. She got really fucking mad. made a gesture to leave, and then started cussing me out "faggot" across the bar, then I sat behind her at the table she kept saying "pale white boy. look at you, you see a girl you run" I was like damn how she know my fear of women and I started to feel very bad. Like I am already having a really hard time accepting myself, and what I look like. now this bitch telling me how bad I look and how pale. That really made me feel horrible inside. I felt like I started to get red and wanted to get a tan ASAP! I just looked in the bathroom mirror and I'm white as a ghost. It really is disgusting. It's like I'm sick or something. fuck!!!

So I told the dude I was chit chatting with I'm out and left. the Tranny, and I really wanted to fuck her btw, kept looking at me as I was walking away. she had another dude there now who bought her beer and was gonna give her a ride home. damn, I really am new at this whole social game, especially in the night at bars and clubs. I feel like a little baby who gets eaten by lions every time something like this happens. this guy knows exactly what he's doing and I'm making mistakes left and right and pay real high prices for it.

then I leave and go to a pickup bar but it's dead! it's around 1:30am and most people left. I don't even go in and call the tranny from cl. She tells me cross streets where she's at and I go to my car, and drive there. I get there, park, and she doesn't pick up. the place looks ghetto. the streets are vacant. all sorts of shit going through my mind. I get nervous and think she is an undercover cop. I txt her and finally get a txt back. 5 mins of waiting outside near trees so I won't get spotted and she opens a door. I get inside and think she gonna murder me or some shit with some people upstairs. I ask if she wanna go outside and talk. she goes no its okay let's go to my room. We get to her room. she lives in an apt she shares with family. she looked meh when I first see her, but when I get into her room I see her thickness, her curves, tits, and damn I'm like niiiice! We talk a lil and I ask her about her. She just wanna have fun, and not a hooker. I'm surprised, and lil bit more talk we start making out. I touch her legs and ass. I tell her I wanna see her naked. so she takes her clothes off as I do too.

The thing that really made it all weird is the dim lighting. it was a green light and very dim. I asked her to turn the lights on. she says that's as bright as they go. WTF!?!?!?! the whole time from the get go since we emailing it was like she got something to hide and acting weird. she wouldn't even wanna tongue kiss. I caress her body and start licking her tits. not gonna go into more details but long story short. we put condoms on and did a 69. it was... weird. I sucked a tranny's dick... with a condom on... meh... she started sucking mine, and the whole time even before she went down on me I was like 'careful, you'll make me cum' every time she'd touch my cock. so, about 15 seconds into her sucking me off... cuz I was doing it kinda half assed and also she said she cannot cum since she been on hormones for so long. she gotta have someone fuck her for like 30 mins in order to cum... I cum... I was like fuuuuuuuuuuuuck!! nooooooooooooo! I told her 'I hate cummin'. But when I cum, I feel disgusted. I feel like 'wtf am I doing here? I don't wanna be here. this is weird'. I keep apologizing but she says 'it's okay, it's okay. I gotta sleep anyway and wake up at 6 in the morning for work.

I leave her place and tell her 'I'll call you', not knowing whether or not that will be the case... I get in my car and... the only thoughts I have are... SEX IS DUSGUSTING!@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!!! IT SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I drive home shocked and having different emotions run through me. on one hand this tranny cussing me out at a bar making me feel horrible about the whole experience, on the other hand this other tranny blew me and I came. that was my first sexual experience with ANYONE. she was still acting weird 'what type of things do you like to do with a guy?' her: ummm... everything... I'm like WTF!?!?!? what you mean? what do you want bitch!!!!????? she was vague the whole time like this.

I drove back home, parked, and spent 20 fucking minutes walking back and forth on my block. I couldn't believe it... THIS IS SEX!?!?!?!?!?!?? SICKENING!!!!!!!!!!!! DISGUSTING!!! I can't even imagine having sex with a woman and then impregnating her. wtf happened to all those years of me practicing Tantric sex. hours upon hours of masturbating sessions without me cumming and I cum in 15 seconds!?!?!? WTF!?!!?!!?!? I guess sex really is different then masturbation. my god. I couldn't think. I wanted to be outside... all the time. I couldn't come inside and kept thinking how disgusting sex is. I haven't even had sex technically, and still a virgin. but I bust my first nut inside a tranny's mouth with a condom, and had her cock inside my mouth with a condom as well. it was fucking bleeeeeeeehhhh. wtf? I don't get it. all those fantasies of watching tranny porn. I was so hard and turned on with that tranny, even though she was 15 years older than in her pics. her body was still banging though. AND THIS WAS SEX!?!?!?????

I just feel........ different. like something stroke a cord inside of me. why the fuck I chase or used to chase women in the streets? FOR THIS!?!!??!?! only to have sex and have some random bitch call me and tell me she's pregnant and to get my whole life of freedom ruined? FUCK NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOU BITCH!!!!!!!!!!! I DONT WANT YOU!!!!!!!!!!! I don't even know if I want trannies anymore. sex is just DISGUSTING!!!!!!!! WTF!?!?!!?!?!??!!??? this is the strangest birthday I ever had, and ironically I have no one to share it with but my blog. I may share it with one dude at work who said he'll take me out and show me the ropes of the bar scene... he knows I like trannies too... he even knew I was a virgin too, but I had to lie. if we go hanging out tonight, I'll tell him everything.

but fuck me... SEX IS FUCKING DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT IS SICK, OVERRATED PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I felt as disgusted when I came as when I first came with semen. without semen nuts were amazing and fulfilling. once I came with cum for the first time, I felt disgusted and sick to my stomach. I didn't want to look at a woman or want to think about fucking her, and this was back before my tranny fetish when I was attracted to girls 100%. I felt the same way tonight.

I gotta wake up in 5 fucking hours and I had 3 fucking hours of sleep last night. But man this birthday I really went out with a bang. I just stopped giving a fuck anymore, so I went all out. I feel like I made progress, but not sure what to feel about this whole human experience any longer. I feel like this changed me somehow. I'm just not sure how, exactly. I guess I'll find that out tomorrow at work.

Peace

A Woman Approached me Today

Today, Friday, 9/20/13, I had a woman approach me for the first time in my life. in the 33 years of living on this planet, I have NEVER had a woman approach me, EVER!

What basically happened was this. On my way to work I get off the train and start walking upstairs to get to the street level. This blonde girl runs up beside me on the stairs, turns to her right and asks me "Excuse me, could you point me towards the direction of Target?" Before she asked me anything I thought "holy shit, is this what pick up is like for women?" I was watching the girl's body language from my peripheral, and thought "this looks like me approaching women but..." and boom she did it to me. Now at this point when she asks me this, I am so shocked I did not know what to do. In fact, I started to get really nervous as she opened me, possibly because she was nervous herself. I was so taken aback I did not know what to do or say so I just pointed towards where Target was. I could've said "where you from" or "what's your name?" or "you're cute" and she was cute btw. But she just caught me off guard.

I am still in shock that a woman would have the balls to approach a man in the street like that. Thank god they exist. I thought that all women are just a bunch of passive or passive aggressive little scary creatures. I guess that there are some out there that go after what they want. Glad to know...

FUCK BITCHES!

I have been feeling very angry lately. Reason? Women. And I wouldn't even call them that. I am more talking about BITCHES! Before I speak on what triggered this anger inside of me. Let's look at the list of the BITCHES at my job. These stupid ass raggedy ass HOES are the reason why I am so fucking mad right now and have been mad for several days since the 'love' girl triggered this moment.

BITCH #1 - Tall Black bitch. "Met" this bitch when I first started working at my job. Wouldn't even tell me her name when I asked her. The only reply was "Why?" while smiling. Like I am trying to hit on her as I was just trying to get to know everyone. Now she ignores me like I am some weirdo or a reject of society.

BITCH #2 - Lil Midget Latin bitch. Thought I was a customer as I was waiting for my co-worker to wrap up and go home. Lol... stupid ass bitch. She been ignoring me treating me like all the stuck up bitches treat me, like shit.

BITCH #3 - Miserable Skinny white bitch. This bitch has the worst vibe. She is negative, she is miserable, but most importantly she is "normal". As negative, as miserable, and as shady this bitch is... she hangs out with all the "normal" people at work. The sheep that get together and go out to bars, and hang out outside of work. I am 10x more positive than her, but am I ever invited? Nope. Not like I really want to hang out with most people at my old department, but you get the picture. This bitch been rude to me every time I tried talking to her; rolling her eyes at me while I am talking. Then this bitch has the nerve to tell me such and such customer is shady. I am standing there looking at her while thinking to myself... bitch... YOU'RE shady.. STFU!

BITCH #4 - The Ghetto Fake Ass Judgmental bitch. This bitch has been a bitch since the moment I met her. One day I wanted to switch with someone because I needed a day off. So my supervisor tells me to go to another department and ask so and so girl to ask her to switch with me. I go there and introduce myself while explaining the situation. Right away she gives me the "who the fuck are you?" vibe rolling her eyes at me. Funny thing is, my first impressions are always the right ones. Whatever impression you have on me the first time I meet you, that's who usually I end up dealing with in the end. If I don't listen to that intuition the first time, I usually end up being sorry. So, this bitch been a bitch since day 1. But I was kinda naïve since she is very extroverted and talks to everybody. I was trying hard talking to her before because it was easy as hell to chat with her. So, I thought that we had a connection. But in the end I learned that this bitch will talk to a homeless person who smells like a pile of shit if he lets her. She'll talk to anyone who is willing to listen to her bullshit. Every fucking time I asked her a question or called her name, she'd give me this strange vibe. And I could see it in her eyes she is constantly judging me. Like I will never be accepted by her type of "normal" people. The "normal" people who never invite me to anything and exclude me from all their parties and fun events, treating me like a fucking alien. But this bitch would talk to me whenever she wanna vent and talk about her STUPID BULLSHIT! Fuck this fake bitch! I ignore her 100% now, and don't even say hi to her. Walking around like a fucking evil cunt with her eyes that look like they're skimming something. Even my co-worker brought this up once whenever she was bitching... "ghetto ass bitch. why you leaving your customers and then complaining about how someone stole your sale?" LMAO! I thought I was the only one who saw that this bitch is shady as fuck. haha. FUCK THIS FAKE ASS BITCH! GO TO HELL, HOE! STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!! I DONT WANT YOU NEAR ME AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW THIS SO I WILL NON-VERBALLY LET YOU KNOW TO GTFO whenever you come into my perimeter. Ghetto ass Fake ass bitch. FUCK OFF!!!

BITCH #5 - The Nice Bitch. This is the girl I blogged about a few entries back. The "I am in Love" with bitch. Now, I don't even know if she really is a bitch since I never even talked to her that much. But I tried to initiate a convo a few times and it went nowhere. And since she is part of the reason why this anger hit me, I am putting her on the bitch list. I remember once when me and my female coworker who is cool were joking around. This Nice Bitch shows up to clock me in. After doing so, she leaves. As she is leaving my female co-worker tells me "I don't like her". I ask her why. "She is fake". I am like okay, cool whatever, and didn't think much of it. But looking back, it makes more and more sense. The last time I saw her was when I was waiting for the elevator. I ask her a few questions, and it just felt awkward. The vibe was off, there was nothing I had in my mind to tell her. It was blank. I couldn't understand it. Then as we both get on the elevator it got even worse. Awkward moment of silence. I didn't say nothing. She didn't say nothing. Time slowed down by 20. I could see her in my peripheral vision looking to her right, away from me like "uh... this is awkward". As I get off the elevator... I tell her bye, as always. If I don't fucking initiate or say something, she doesn't. I got so fucking mad after that. I just got fucking pissed. WHY DO I ALWAYS GOTTA BE THE ONE TALKING!??!?! BITCH.... FUCK YOU!!! I was thinking "why was it so weird and awkward?" It was her, not me. It was her bitchy vibe that she put off where she just put up a wall for me to conquer and I was trying desperately to take that wall down just so I could have a moment with her.

What really made me even madder is that I looked like a desperate loser trying to get with her by constantly finding things to say, AND on top of that she knows I like her. Her bitch ass could just stand there silently and wait for her White Knight to come and find her. And that WK sure isn't me. But I was just really embarrassed more than anything. So, the question is... WHY THE FUCK I EVEN TALK TO HER? FUCK THAT BITCH!!!

BITCH #6 - The Locker Room bitch. This is the bitch that triggered this episode of anger. What REALLY made me fucking ANGRY is when I get to the locker room before going home. This happened a few days ago. I open the door, and there is a girl that works on a different floor getting ready to leave. I, being the "nice guy" that I am, greet her. She, being the stuck up BITCH that she is, looks at me and ignores me. At this point I want to fucking curse the bitch out and knock her fucking teeth out. I got so fucking fed up emotionally being nice to and dealing with these BITCHES that treat me like SHIT, I wanted to fucking snap right there. But of course, I didn't since I am a gentlemen and not crazy. Otherwise, I wouldn't be working here if I were.


By this point... I am just heated and ANGRY. So angry, that the only thing that is on my mind is... FUCK THESE BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am at a place where I will stop being nice to women. And here is the most fucked up thing. When I act distant, ignore women, and be almost rude, they start to wonder and say hi to me, strike up convos, etc.. Shit is weird, but that's how it works. Like earlier today as I get to work, I got my ear buds on and completely ignore this girl I used to work with. As I am clocking in, she comes up to me and waves hi smiling. I am like.. WHAT.. THE... FUCK!?!?! She never is this nice to me. She is a straight up BITCH! But that was the first time I had my ear buds in not paying any attention to her and not giving a FUCK about the bitch.

So, from now on. All these stuck up BITCHES are going on my ignore list.

The BEST Song of 2013

right here.

and I don't even like most of her songs...



Love this so much, bought the mp3 on amazon.com

"You look like..."

So people been telling me different things. A few years back a girl I worked with said I look like Adrien Brody. Then a little bit more than half a year ago, one girl tells me I look like Joseph Gorden-Levvit (one gay guy told me the same thing, btw no homo). Then recently I had 2 gay customers at work from Middle East tell me I look like Lionel Messi, the soccer player. Now, about a week ago I was eating at a mall and this Asian guy with his family and kids tells me I look like Paul Dano. WTF!!?!?!?

Seems like I look like 20 different people to 20 different individuals I meet. Either way, I don't know who to believe because none of these comparisons ever helped me to get laid, or maybe I just haven't tried hard enough...

Skydiving Cats

funny ass shit

I'm in Love

So we got a new Manager at my work. I was running errands today and ended up going to Starbucks to get a caramel blended (nasty as hell. Threw it away after a few sips), and there she was right in front of me in line. She is sooooooo cute. The cutest girl I've seen in a long time. White girl with olive skin, about 5'4", thick ass and thighs. I can look at her all day and be in Heaven.

I talked to her for tiny bit then got my order. But at the end of the day, she is a manager. And even though I usually like women who are athletic, tough, and strong minded, but she is more cute, and pretty type. I am in Love with this chick. I did make her uncomfortable when asked her about her drink but who cares? Nothing will most likely ever happen between us. If I derail a train with a coworker, can't even imagine how bad it could turn out me going after a manger.

I really gotta focus on getting a full time job and my own place, though. Not having these things prevents me from approaching women lately. Emberrassing as hell at 33 living at home with my mama. In the library right now, so I'm gonna go finish this Popol Vuh book and go home.

I like Trannies, and almost lost my Virginity tonight

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The Roominator... LoL

just saw this on youtube's ads. was so good, I just couldn't click the skip ad bar.

Why am I destined to be alone?

This is my life!

I read this and everything here is me. From people not giving a rats ass if I am there or not, to me having maybe 1 friend who eventually gets bored of me (remember, my male co-worker that invited me out to hang out at a NYE?), to me being 'different' where nothing mainstream interests me and I don't fit in anywhere.

The funniest thing is, I am the most positive I have ever been and I am still alone with no friends. People still don't care if I go talk to them or not. They just go back to their social circle and gossip. I don't judge anyone anymore, but some people who are negative judge me and find faults with me. I am just gonna paste this here below and stop talking....

Why am I destined to be alone?

I know I post a lot about the same kind of stuff, but I feel like I have a better understanding of the "pieces" of my "puzzle", so to speak, but I still don't know how to "put it all together". I've been doing a lot more thinking, trying to figure things out for myself, and these are the things I've come to realize...

- When it comes to identifying a girl I'd like to ask out, I have zero interest in looks. That's not to say I don't have sexual desires, but they don't kick in at all until after I've fallen for someone. I'm looking more for mental stimulation. When I say "mental stimulation", I'm not necessarily talking about someone that's very heavily minded towards science or politics, or anything like that. I, myself, have very... peculiar outlooks and beliefs, as well as a peculiar sense of humor. Ideally, I want to be with someone that not only understands, but also shares the same peculiar mind. Unfortunately, from what I've seen, it's extremely difficult for me to find someone that's similar to me in that aspect. I don't really "fit in" with any specific group, so it's not like there are specific activity groups I could get involved with that would necessarily get me meeting like-minded people. Again, I consider myself very peculiar; not "better" or "worse" than anyone else, just... different. Honestly, my entire life, I've always felt like I don't really "fit in" with the vast majority of people and groups I come across.

- People, in general, don't seem to "like" me. That's not to say people dislike me; people don't mind me, but they don't REALLY like me. People don't actively try to avoid me, but they don't actively try to include me, either. If I'm "there", people are okay with my presence, but I don't get the sense that anyone ever thinks "I really want to go hang out with/ talk to him!". I constantly find myself in situations where I feel "left out" by people I'd like to spend time with; again, they don't purposely avoid including me, people just tend to forget about me and not think anything of it if I'm not included. Unfortunately, I'll admit, I'm not the funniest, most interesting, entertaining guy. But I try. I really do. I try to make people laugh, I try to think of things to say, but for the most part, it always ends up falling flat, not to mention, going back to me being "peculiar", I often feel like a lot of people don't really "get" me.

Only one time, last year, has someone ever made me feel like they WANTED to spend time with me, WANTED to be around me, WANTED to talk to me, and at the time, that really helped to make me feel like things could be different for me, but it only lasted about a month or two, and then I ended up back "on the outside looking in" all over again.

- On that same note, this makes finding someone to date even more of a challenge. From what I've seen, in order to actually get a date, you have to be charismatic and/ or good-looking. Clearly, as I just said, I'm apparently not charismatic enough for people to want to actively try to spend time with, so that's right out the window immediately. And as for looks, that's something I've just accepted I'll never have on my side. Do I think I'm "ugly"? No. But I'm unusually short, I have the face of a 12 year old boy, I can't seem to properly grow facial hair, and even my voice is a bit high-pitch; overall, I look very much like a "little boy", and girls don't want to date a "little boy", they want to date a "man".



A lot of you guys have pegged me as "negative" in the past, and I never really denied that. But the truth is, I feel like that negativity has only stemmed from pent up frustrations. I don't think I lack confidence, I don't think I project negativity to the world around me. I go out into the world and I try, I try to be positive and do what I can with people, but I ALWAYS come up empty-handed, and those frustrations build up.

So what's the solution? People frequently say "Stop focusing on it so much and just focus on you". And that's fine, that's not bad advice. But I've never really been "focusing on it" as much as my posts would have you believe. Yes, having people in my life (both romantically and platonically) is something I want very, very badly, but I've spent the last several years trying to put my actual energy into other aspects of my life. And really, everything else is going pretty well for me right now. My education and career are on the right track. I have a handful of hobbies that bring me some personal joy in my free time. I'm basically happy with "me", and honestly, I have been for a while. That's why this stuff gets to me, because as much as it may sound like it, I'm not "unhappy" with me, and it's frustrating to be unable to have anyone in my life.

I think I'm a good person, that deserves to have friends, that deserves to find a girl, that deserves to not be as completely alone and alienated as I am. And yet, here I am. Constantly "chasing my tail", unable to figure out why I'm perpetually stuck in this position I'm stuck in. Perhaps some of us are just "destined" to be alone?

 

http://www.loveforum.net/threads/82484-Why-am-I-destined-to-be-alone