I feel disconnected from everybody

my black friend/roomate came home with his headphones on singing at the top of his lungs, he was really pissing me off. i was watching flavor of love marathon and his ass was singing so fucking loud i was like MAN IM TRYING TO WATCH THE SHOW HERE?! DAMN! so anyway after a while he asked to use my pc to rip his new cds he bought. then as hes ripping them he starts playing some song, and its some modern African band, he plays this song and says "you feeling that?" and i didnt like the beat so im like no. so he says "see thats cuz you not black, you dont understand, you never been to church, you never did this, you never did that, blah blah blah this is a real African band, they singing about the struggle. all that struggle you say you understand is bs, this is the real struggle blah blah blah some countries have this music banned cuz its so powerful blah blah" i was like damn... that hurts. and he was like why? you wanna be black this bad? i was like i dont know why, but that hurts. then i started thinking and i realized that hes is doing what all my other friends been doing, making me see that im not like them, that whatever quality they have is this HOT SHIT and im not it, and NEVER WILL BE.

i had a Chinese friend i used to hang with, and he said the same type of shit. it was different but very similar in a way where i felt that same shitty feeling im feeling right now. we were chilling at a cafeteria at my college campus and he was like "see...... youre white... you got the privilege in this country... blah blah blah" he had this smirk on his face like "and im Chinese and im proud of my heritage and im struggling and you dont, cuz you white!" and i was like damn..... that hurts. yeah i know all that bullshit about having a privelege but i just didnt expect to hear this from a friend. i get negative looks, attitudes from strangers thinking that, i feel that they think that, and it hurts you know. they just say in their mind "FUCK YOU WHITE BOY YOU WHITE THEREFORE YOU AINT SHIT TO ME, YOU GOT EVERYTHING AND YOU DONT STRUGGLE, YOU DONT KNOW ABOUT REAL STRUGGLE SO GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY FACE". many people who do that shit nonverbally are colored, they could be black, asian, latin, whatever. and you know it makes me feel disconnected from folks, like im an alien, but the least i expect this sort of thing is from friends.

its funny though cuz ive had 2 types of friends my whole life. type 1 is the type that will tell me stuff like this and make me feel inferior, sad, and just disconnected from them, and type 2 is someone who wont say that but they end up not being a good friend to begin with. damn... i never done this to any one of my friends why they all doing it to me? or at least it seems like it.

the only white people im connected with is my family, and im so far away from them. they dont know shit about me, they dont know my fears, my goals, my feelings, i dont share personal stuff with them. even someone i get along with, my uncle, he still doesnt see me for who i am and doesnt know me like that.

i was thinking maybe i should make some white friends but the truth is even white friends would probably do some shit like that. theyll just bring up their own heritage "yeah, us italians are like this you wouldnt get us blah blah" or some stupid shit like that, whatever their culture is. i dont know, maybe im just sensetive, but it really pisses me off when people do this.

you know its like when those people start rambling about AHHHHHHH, THATS THE JOINT RIGHT THERE!!! OMG THAT IS THE SOOOOOOOOOOONG, BACK IN THE DAY WHEN WE WERE OUT ON THE STREET HAVING BLOCK PARTIES OMGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOD YOU JUST DONT KNOW! its the same shit. its like yeah... i really DONT KNOW, i was never out "back in the day" on the street socializing, mingling, having the time of my life, so yeah... i cant relate to you... BUT YOU DONT GOTTA RUB THAT SHIT IN MY FACE!! dumb ass. fuck you, fuck you and your "good ol' days", dumb ass bitch. just another way of making you look good and make people who havent had your type of life feel like shit cuz they never been though what you been through. dumb ass piece of shit. not everyone is like you so stop making it sound like what you have, had, or didnt have is everything and what i have, dont have or never had is unimportant because it is, its my life! why you making me feel disconnected from you, arent you supposed to have my back, isnt that what friends do? damn... i dont get it, maybe i just dont understand human beings in general or maybe im too sensetive. this is the type of shit that makes me wanna crawl into a cave and just live my life there away from everybody until its my time to go.

right now my plan is to go see my dad who lives in a different city and tell him he was a shitty father, tell him everything i think of him, and leave. i been avoiding that so called father for over a decade and i gotta go see him and tell him everything. i think alot of my issues im having stem from this shitty parenting, but whatever, im not blaming no one its my own issues and i gotta work on them.