Hell on Earth (Last night)

Last night I had the worst case of a Cluster Headache in 2018.

to start things off, I ate this delicious lemon cake in a plastic container that was out for all at a kitchen in the building I was visiting at work. There was 5 of them, so I took 1 for me. It was good, but very fattening and creamy. Then after work I felt so bad physically, I couldn't even eat dinner or study for my upcoming test I been studying almost for the last year. I just laid in bed feeling physically weak, and my stomach was really giving me "I don't want to eat nothing" signals.

I felt so weak, I literally didn't do nothing all day after work but lay in bed. But I couldn't sleep neither. Just laid there for an hour with eyes closed. I don't remember what I did the rest of the day when I got up. By around 10pm, I was so tired and sleepy sitting at my computer I thought I will go to bed early that night.

When it came time to go to bed, it was around 11ish pm. I already ate, flossed my teeth and was in bed. I felt sleepy but couldn't sleep. My mind kept racing, and I couldn't stop thinking about stuff talking to myself with eyes closed. I couldn't sleep until around 1:30 until I decided to take a sleeping pill. Still, I couldn't sleep until 3am. Then I don't exactly remember if I fell asleep or kept laying there, but at around 3:30am I opened my eyes and felt a headache coming on. I usually just lay there for 5-10 mins and wait for the headache to subside, but this wasn't one of those nights.

The headache started growing and morphing into a monster. My sinus were full, as I had trouble breathing the whole night, but this time I felt things dripping inside my forehead area. I got up and drank some water. That didn't help. I ate some pretzels, and drank more water. The headache started to grow out of control. At this stage I was in extreme pain feeling like someone is stabbing me in my forehead. Sinus dripping from my left nostril as I use tissues one after another, throwing them on the floor. I opened my window to get some fresh air, but that did not work at all. So I kept holding my head, moaning like a tortured victim, and praying to god to take the pain away. Nothing I did helped, and I suffered like a helpless baby for the next 50 mins.

at around 4:20ish am Cluster Headache finally started to leave me little by little. Until I felt the after effect shocks, like an earthquake leaving an area.

Was going to blog about this after the headache but I was exhausted and lazy. Went to bed, and fell asleep. Couldn't wake up on time, and was late for work as a result.

I am never eating any fattening junk food like that ever again. I literally felt this lemon pie in my system the night this headache from hell came. I was about to go to bed 20 mins ago, but thought I'll blog about this for my records. THE most painful headache of 2018! I wanted to literally die. I wonder if people off themselves who deal with cluster headaches. so painful, I cannot even put it into words. Anyway, I need to get some rest. Good night.

Pick-Up Journal Entry

so I am following this guy on youtube The Fearless Man. he gives lots of good advice, one of which is keep a journal. I am just sharing one event from last night here publicly.

I got really drunk. Drank 4 shots before taking Uber, and when got to the club was all buzzed. Then when I go inside... it is a gay night!! I was like... WTF!?!?! NOT AGAIN! I just remembered now that the website said "pansexual night". I googled it, but didnt really understand it correctly. I only went cuz they played House.

When I'm in I approach this group of 1 guy and 1 girl. I ask what is this? and the guy says "it's mostly bi people here. you can find some girls, but mostly it's bi guys." his friend was cute and I asked them where can I find regular clubs. she started giving me advice on clubs I already been to, and they were kinda far. she was from New York and really cute, down to earth, and talkative. she talked more than me. I offered her a drink. she said sure. then when I got drinks, I took mine, and walked off. I forgot to 1) ask her about her outfit (just realized it this morning). she was wearing some weird costume with her toes showing, and her friend was too. probably characters from a video game, and 2) ask for her number. One other thing I forgot to do was actually GIVE HER THE DRINK. I just left it at the bar. Small things like this really matter.

What I learned: I never really ask girls out. I talk, I am NOT GROUNDED AT ALL, I dont know what to say, and dont even notice things due to me not being grounded.

Goals: I will focus on these things from now. Go out, talk to girls, get their #, get dates. rinse and repeat. I just dont do the last 2 things, hence I never have any connections with girls or anything outside of a conversation. I expect some sort of magic to happen where I develop amazing game, and I sweep these women off their feet. But I need experience to do that. Plus, I watch keys to the VIP and most men simply suck and get #s doing much worse conversationally than me. So again, 1) Talk to girls, 2) get #s, 3) set dates.

Will update this later if I need to change things around, but this is it for now.

p.s. I puked in the club bathroom a little after my 5th drink, and then after taking Uber home outside of my place next to a tree REALLY BADLY. man... I woke up all fucked up with a hang over, but feel much better now.

Weird Dream about a Girl

so last night I had the weirdest dream. I am at some party or some social gathering or maybe some sort of vacation getaway? I don't remember the whole thing. Then I talk to one blonde white girl at some point, and she's not feeling me. Then I just brush her off, and she walks away. Then there is this other brunette girl (at first I thought she was Indian, but I think she was white with dark features with tanned skin. maybe Sicilian) that sits with me and falls into my arms. I start talking with her. The 1st girl notices this. After a few moments I tell her..

Me: Hey, maybe we should get something to eat. I wanna take you out sometime.
Her: Really??

and then I don't remember the rest of the convo. but then she gets up and stands in front of me a few feet away where I can have a good look at her fully (torso to face), and then she says "and you waited for me all your life" while she throws her naked arms to her sides. Then I woke up shortly.

I had 2 small cluster headaches, though. 1 at 4:19am that woke me up. It was getting worse, so I drank some water, opened my window and breathed deeply for a while. Went away after 15 mins. Went back to sleep. The second was at 6ish am, but I went back to sleep. Did the same thing, and it seemed to help. My alarm rang at 6:36am so I had some sleep. I think it was sinus, though. I felt it dripping inside my head a little.

Panic Attacks and Cold Weather

so, I got PTSD and I get panic attacks when I 420 sometimes. I got a panic attack now, and I noticed a cold weather. I turned on the heater. but still

too slow. put on my Puma velour suit jacket, it helped but now I got heater next to my stomach.

when you are cold, you are more likely to have a panic attack cuz the feeling inside of you matches your environment. and it's hard to control it, so you watch it spin out of control. Maybe I should stop smoking. I really need to focus on meditation instead. that's the thing, when I smoke.. I cannot meditate. it's almost impmossible. Hard to relax when weed is in my system. Vodka actually relaxes me, while ganja sometimes freaks me out. But I only drink when I go out. never had more than 2 shots at home and 2 shots is nothing.

but yeah, Just wanted to blog this out. I need to note this, and it's not the first time it happened.
stay warm when you smoke, or put on some layers WITH socks. really helps you stay warm and in control, and relaxed.

Padmaavat

I don't even know how I found this gem. The poetic story, love, war, honor, cowardice... The most epic movie I have seen in 2018, and the greatest Bollywood film I have EVER seen. 5/5 stars...