So i just got out of my class that ended 30 mins after it started (thats 3 hours and 30 mins early) and after i walked out the classroom all i could think was "where do i go, and what do i do?" That's how it's been since high school. I remember when i first got into 9th grade in high school i'd be going through the same bullshit during lunch hours cuz i had no friends or anybody to hang out with. So every lunch break i'd just think to myself "where do i go?" So id just spend my lunch hours going to a cafeteria, eating there, and then just wandering around school alone. It was some depressing shit and it carried itself all the way to college. Seeing all these people around me living the "College life" makes me really envious like i wish i was them. I got nowhere to go and no people to see. It's like that before class, it's like that after class, and it's like that any time of any day. Same old bullshit program that's been running inside of me and i dont know how to change it. I mean like.. i seriously dont know where to go and what to do. Joining the black student union? forget that shit. i dont want it to be another youth center which is exactly what it was going to be. Everybody was there black and i was the only pale ass there all self-concious. Everybody looking at me like "who the fuck is this?" and i didn't know what to say most of the times so i was a mystery. Joining any other club? ehh.. not interested in anything else.
Waking up in the morning is some depressing shit too cuz i keep going to sleep wanting to get away from this shitty reality. That's why i always run to the bus stop every morning always late and shit. I'm a true loner. In fact, i am the loneliest loner possibly on this entire fucking college campus. And it's funny because i am not a nerd or anything, but just alone. So alone i dont even wanna bring anybody into my life cuz once i tell them the real truth about me they all leave and stay away from me. Any part of the truth i tell people about me that's personal they distance themselves so i don't say nothing to anyone. And people wondering why im so weird and quiet.
And funny how when i was seeing my last shrink i told him i'm gonna try to be closer with the 2 friends i have. One friend is really violent, and i dont feel safe around him. I was talking to him on the phone and had a difference of opinion so dude screamed at me and hung up 3 times after which i was like fuck him im not calling him back. And he still owes me a great deal of money which he said hed pay within months and it's been over a year. And this female friend i have it's like she dont give a fuck about me. I do everything for her but she dont do shit for me. I tried getting together with her cuz i wanted to see her place and she just said she needs to get her stuff together. I asked when is that and that's the last i heard of her. It's like a one way street. I helped her buy weed, paid for the movie tickets once, took her with me to get her a pipe, and she hasn't done shit for me. I mean she dont even pick up her phone or return messages. And it really confuses me cuz i havent seen her for the whole summer when she was in LA and when she came back she lost my #. So when i saw her in our school library i yelled out her name, and she got so excited came over and kept hugging me saying how much she missed me. It really felt genuine. But then after we took a bus home and i walked her to her new place she went inside and i was like... there she goes back inside her place hiding from everybody cuz everyone always trying to call her or contact her. I guess i'm just one of those people and she kinda want to be left alone. Funny she's exactly like me only i'm the opposite where no one ever calls me or tries to contact me.
Well, i got finals so i better go study. As fucked up and as lonely as my life is i gotta take care of myself and school is my #1 priority right now. I dont give a fuck about anything else even though deep inside i do. I just try not to think about it.
2 comments:
you should kick that guy's ass and get your money back
hey, your blog is incredibly honest and i feel for your plight. you are a bright guy, very clearly. i think you will sort things out, you're at a time in your life when these thoughts are more common. i feel like when you find something you are passionate about and can channel your energy into that, it will make a great difference. finding lasting relationships with people is incredibly hard, but as long as you are open to it, over time you will find people you really connect with and love you no matter what your past - they are out there. you will also find a lot of people who don't care about you. don't worry about those people, it's wasted energy - focus on the relationships that really matter. and if you do something nice for someone and they don't return the favor, remember that's part of life. you will find other people who are more than generous over time. spending time alone isn't a terrible thing, especially when you are focused on studies! when i was in college and high school i was a bit of a loner too. over time i've realized i like spending a good amount of time with myself, it allows me to recharge my batteries. and then to complement that with being with people i've known for a long time who have really shown they are about me - that's the goal.
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