I had a dream somebody was trying to kill me

It was a fucking nightmare. I woke up because somebody was trying to kill me. I dreamed of my old home where i grew up, for some reason i dream about it a lot! And in my building somebody was trying to kill me, so i ran over to the other building the one where my father used to live in. Went into the second entrance and ended up on the roof. There was some sort of a party/church going on, there was food and drinks. So i was just hiding on that roof. Then one lady was acting like she was possessed and would look towards her right like there is some evil spirit out to get her, just like they shake in churches she was acting like that. Then i woke up cuz that freaked me out. Couldn't sleep for a while, and woke up several more times.

Then i had this other dream where i was in some room watching tv or something with this black guy, and he was acting really weird. I dont know who he was but he looked like he just got outta prison, thats what his face resembled. And then the dude starts getting close to me and im like what you doing man? Then before i know it he was acting like he was about to rape me, i started panicking trying to escape. He was strong so i had to fight him a lil, then i got away and ran the fuck outta there.

When i woke up i went downstairs to do laundry and my mom's b/f locked me out. I was so pissed, but he came back within like 20 minutes. Its weird, i was looking at some Out of Body Experience sites last night then these dreams occurred when i went to bed. And they were in color, which means it is an Astral Projection/OBE and not a dream. I read that on some magic website, but most of my dreams are in color anyway.

Blaze a blaze, Galang a lang a lang lang ah/Purple Haze, Galang a lang a lang lang ah

*cops both her albums off amazon*

cant wait. and while im at it, let me get that dust buster ive always wanted. this is great im finally getting things ive always wanted. life is fucking good right about now, and im kinda fucked up at the moment but ive seen that movie today, Spiderwick Chronicles, shit is tight!!! just like the first one. Disney really knows what they doing, they got these sort of movies all around. i remember Dinasour was some cool ass animation film, it was fucking amazing. i dont know how they pull these movies but they are bad ass!

I wanna get out of my Body

thats it, im on a mission to get out of my body. ive had enough of this shit. what am i doing with my life? nothing. where am i going? probably nowhere. a J.O.B. somewhere down the line, a car, a nice apartment maybe, and then what? shit man, who knows may be ill still be alone.

ok, im doing google search and seeing what comes.. man this is frustrating as fuck looking for things on google but for some reason i never find what im looking for. brb............... http://www.astralinfo.org/theOBEexperience.htm

im tired as fuck im gonna go eat some cereal and finish reading this later. im on a mission, i really really want to master this. i wanna get the fuck out of my body and see all you pathetic humans out there reading this thinking shit is sweat. with your stupid ass problems that your body and your reality brings, while i roam around laughing at all you bitch made maggots being biological monkeys.

and about that 'mentality of a 12 year old' comment

that type of shit makes me not want to talk to anyone. makes me want to lock myself in a room and live my life away from everyone. i am sick of being this cute, funny, innocent little kid. i have a lot of depth, but most people never see it. i used to be real mad looking guy, everybody thought i was a serial killer. i learned to smile and joke around, now everybody thinks im some kid. i feel ashamed of that, a lot! that is the biggest reason why i hate going out, hate meeting new people. everybody has this experience and i dont, and as a result it naturally makes me look like some 12 year old kid. a kid who never had a girlfriend, who never went out to adult parties, who never reached puberty. that shit makes me sad, depressed and angry, really fucking angry.

going to Parties is like going to War for me

i hate social events, HATE em! people gather, everybody is all smiling feeling good inside, and there is me feeling awkward not knowing what to say or how to act. this been on my mind for a really long time, and i need to write this down. I been thinking about that Black Student Union, and the girl in my class who said shell call me when they have the next event, and every time i think about it i cant stop panicking.

all of this chaos in my mind comes from 3 things: 1) me never standing up for myself, 2) moving from one culture to another, and 3) being alone for so long

• never standing up for myself - when i was a kid i used to fight, and most times i would never fight for a cause. i always had a hard time expressing my thoughts so i didnt know exactly how to verbally fight someone or verbally tell someone off, or verbally avoid a fight. i remember how my classmates would do this, one would say "hey man i bet you cant beat that guy" and i didnt wanna look like a whimp so id go "yeah i can", then theyd go over to him and talk some shit like "hey man, he just said that he can kick your ass", fight after school. id fight, hate it, feel scared inside, until next time similar situation would occur. its weird cuz people would fight me verbally and i wouldnt say nothing back, but whenever i get challenged id never turn it down, even if all i had to do was say "im not fighting that guy, i dont even know him. why dont you fight him?". Then one day i was like what am i doing? so i said "no", and since then guys wouldnt respect me and fear started increasing inside of me. But it doesnt matter because i never stood up for myself, even after all those fights i had. I just went along for the ride cuz i didnt want to look like a pussy.

• moving from one culture to another - i was 13, me and my fam moved from another part of the world to California, it was really a big culture shock for me. I had 5 friends back home, 3 girls and 2 guys, and i remember wed attend each others' parties and stuff. When i moved here though, i didnt even know what a party was until i was going to college, thats all of my high school years not even knowing what an American party looks like. I developed inferiority complex disorder, i thought all these kids born in this country are cool, and when they all get together at a party/club/whatever, thats like the scariest place for me to be.

• being alone for so long - when we moved here i was alone a lot. i had a few friends but they didnt last that long, and the only party i remember i went to was of this friend i had, all guy party, thats it! That was my social introduction to the world of parties in America when i was going to high school. Other then that i was alone, at home, id have a few friends, play video games with them, maybe go to movies, but they never really lasted and id be back home being alone. My father wasn't there, my mother was busy working 2 jobs, my uncle was in his own world, and my grandparents had no fucking clew what was going on with me. My step-grandfather (RIP) was blind to my world, the only thing he ever told me when i was complaining that high school is hard for me was "oohhh, i wish i was your age. what i wouldnt do to go back to school" i was like yeah ok, i can see that you have no clue what im going through. He was a really outgoing, extroverted, friendly guy, whod also punch you in your face if you had any problems with him. a stand up guy who knew how to live and everybody loved him because he was so friendly.

all of these experiences made me hate parties, made me hate social gatherings. and the fucked up thing about this is, if its some boring family party where its a bunch of lame elderly people sitting around talking about a whole bunch of bullshit that i completely dont care about, id show up like whatever, completely not caring and not wanting to be there. but if its a party i really really wanna go to, like a black party, id be scared as hell to attend. everybody there would be dressed to impress looking all fly, and that inferiority complex would kick in the second i mentally picture myself there. i mean by the time i get to that event, if i ever will in the future, my hands would be shaking and my mouth would be all dry. the best example for this feeling would be going to war, thats how probably a lot of those soldiers feel in Iraq. and if they dont they start to feel it after seeing a couple of bodies drop, a few people lose their limbs and shit. its intense, feels like your insides are on fire.

at this point in my life i dont know if ill ever get better. im at a point where i dont want to go to the BSU event and pray to God that that girl never calls me. on top of all that poison thats in my head, its a BLACK STUDENT UNION event, and my ass cheeks are as pale as the fucking wall. as insecure as i am at some white party, i am 100 times more insecure at a black party.

i was just watching that College Hill reunion special and thinking how some people have such nice lives its like they have fun since birth. once they grow up they start doing all the grown men/women things while people like me are unheard of because we had such different lives, its a trip. seeing that sort of thing makes me feel envious, angry inside, like "why did these people had such nice lives turn out for them, and not for me?", i get so heated just thinking about how some of those same people look down on me. like i have it easier then them, the thought of that makes me wanna get violent and beat the living crap out of all those mother fuckers. I dont know what else to say so im gonna go now.

Smoking Weed before school is the shit! + a Dream

I had a weird dream. I was living in this house that was located right next to the youth center i used to go to. It was a night time, and my window in the living room didnt have curtains, it was sort of ghetto, not too much furniture, kitchen was linked to the living room and 2 more rooms, one to the left of the living room, the other to the right. So all of the sudden i hear my name being called, so im thinking to myself that sounds like D., the guy who wanted me to do him a favor. Then a few moments later again, my name being called outside my window. Seems like its coming from the youth center but it feels as if someone right outside my window is shouting my name, calling for me. I look, no one there, i turn off the lights, go to the other room, look out the window, no one there. A few more times i hear my name and then i wake up, outside somebody shouting and stuff. Im thinking maybe somebody calling my name outside my window but then i have no friends who know where i live. I went back to sleep, then woke up a few hours later.

So after i got up around 12:30, i started to get ready for school. Im right out the door as im always late, or leaving my place when i shouldve left 5 mins ago. I smoke some purple, take as many hits as i had to to get the little piece of weed into my system. I come to class, after the class is over talk to this girl a little, then im off to my doc. appointment. Chit chatted with this chick there, she had a tattoo, she said it "doesnt mean anything, i just like it", she was fucking wierd so im like yeah ok. OMG, i went inside this room waiting for my doc, about 20 minute wait, he comes in and starts talking shit to me about how "i see youre against western medicine, blah blah" im like yeah im 50/50, it depends man. So long story short i tell him im a CJ major and he is like "oh i see, is that a mic on you and you recording our convo?" i was like "yeah man, i got you on a voice recorder now" he was like "you serious?" he has this look like he just saw a ghost rofl! i was like nah man im just fucking with you.

Then this one Filipino girl approached me when i was doing h/w on a bench she is in one of my classes and didnt remember which one so she started talking to me, we exchanged #'s and that was that. Not really interested in her but i love this! Exchanging #'s with people is a good thing, makes me feel like im connected with folks. In case i need notes or whatever for the class at least i have someone to call. Oh yeah, and these 2 girls were sitting there at a table about 50 feet away, one of them was checking me out when i was talking to the Filipino chick.

Smoking weed really makes me ask strangers all the curious things i'm thinking. This especially works if i push myself to talk to a girl i really like first. Once i do that its on for the rest of the day, shit is amazing.

Hanging out with my female friend

maaaan.. this is crazy. today was the first time i "officially" hung out with my female friend. I havent had a female friend since i moved here from my country, this feels almost unreal. and on top of that i said something i shouldnt have said and learned that im sooooooo insecured.

about 2 months ago i lost contact with this girl in my class so i thought we were just classroom friends. i mean i kept texting her but she would never call me or text me back, till i said fuck it. i get a text message from her this sunday and i was like.. what... the...... fuck!? she never texts me. she was like "heeeeeeeeeey, whats up??" i was like what the fuck is this? she never acts this way whats gotten into her? then i call her up and we were like okay well watch a movie today. so we getting high before the movie you know, i show her my 2nd made bong and shit and she was all "how the heck do you use that thing?". and then its like this moment of silence right. im like what is she thinking? i dont know because she never tells me. so i ask her and she tells me some off the wall stuff like her friend and blah blah and im like.......... wanna make out?............. she went ohh myy Goooooooooood, started laughing, and i was like ???????? and she just kept laughing and im like look i don tknow what you thinking cuz you never tell me and i like you but i dont wanna ruin the relationship but you never tell me what you want so i dont know what to expect from you.

we sat there watching a movie, paused it a few times, talked, and laughed at the fact that she never ever tells me what she wants. its like i always bust out a closed ended question like "do you want this?" and shes like ... um........... uuuuhhhhh..... i dont know. we were high laughing at that shit then got high some more.

its just weird, i havent had a female friend in a while and my homeboy told me that its a God written rule that "boys and girls cant be friends" cuz in the end they gonna end up fucking or at least one of them is gonna end up wanting to fuck. so im a little confused, but i asked Argot(sp?)/bigpapakango on sohh and dude told me that he has a few female friends himself and the guy looks like he has lots of experience with women. but its just weird cuz there is some truth in that saying, many guys who have nothing but female friends are usually gay, when i hear a case like with bpk having female friends im thinking its normal, but then my other friend busts in with his opinions that makes me think the opposite. plus i really like her and never looked at her in any sexual way. its just weird, i mean i thought of fucking her and its like she looks like an 18 year old kid, i mean id do it but i wouldnt wanna ruin our friendship. so yeah... she is just a very secreteve girl and i told her that.

and i found out that i am sooooooooo insecured. when her roomie came home i was like "oh shit, what is she thinking about me? am i being weird? how do i act" and id change, close up more, stop being so easy going and start being all uptight. even when her roomate wasnt even with us she went into her room with her friend, who coinsidently... is gay hahahaha! seriously, something about gay guys makes these chicks trust them cuz they safe, they dont wanna just fuck and split. i even had this one black classmate, he was actually a cool brother never had a problem with me, but all the young black girls in class ended up being his friend. at first i was just like, this does not look right how come he gets all these girls and im not. and then i was like ohhhhhhhhh this makes sense he is gay!!!!!!!

anyway, im signing out. me and her gonna watch a movie this sunday but i really dont know where this relationship is going. my first female friend in like 15 years, and i already asked her to make out with me, haha. not good.

oh yeah and the last thing, social proof is funny as hell! its like im known in my school who is this quiet dude, a loner, who is always to himself. and then when people do see me walking with someone its usually some black girl, or it could be a black teacher, and its like... to those who see me around campus im known as this white dude who gets all the sisters, that shit makes me LMFAO cuz its completely not true. like when i was leaving she was walking me down stairs, and this black girl from my class comes in the elevator wit her friends, im standing on the left side and my female friend on the right side, we leaning on the walls all quiet with smiles on our faces like we just fucked. so the black girl from my class looking at me like "oohhh they just fucked" so she looking at me like she wants me too. then i remember one day i was high and i was flirting with this same girl's friend when they were both walking together. so to people like her im known as this guy who flirts and gets all the black women, when all it is is just a picture and most people are too dumb to figure out the real story behind it.