I have no friends

At 33 years of age, I got to say that I have not a friend in the world. But I guess that all depends on what you consider "friends". To me, a friend is someone who you can call up anytime and hang out. You have a mutual relationship in which both of you have an equal amount of energy that is exchanged. I got buddies, but I got no friends. I guess many people out there would consider a friend what some call "best friend". But I consider that a friend. Because if you trully have one friend, that friend will be there for you no matter what.

Looking back, I have always had buddies. I have never had friends. I just realized this now and it really hurts me to the point where I would cry. I am a typical introvert who is more to himself, and isn't so quick to share his experience with others. I may even talk about things or myself with others and I feel like I am more outgoing than I have ever was in my entire life, but I am still who I always was-a sensitive introvert who is very intuitive and almost psychic in a way. I read people really good, and the more I meditate the more I am able to tap into that unknown information that many don't have access to. But I digress.

My latest "buddy" is my co-worker. It is the one I blogged about who I hung out with on the New Year's eve. I feel like he treats me like something he accesses once in a while, and when he doesn't feel like being bothered I should leave him the fuck alone. That's not fair, and not how friends are with one another. But I guess I don't blame him. He is like Jay from the "40 Year Old Virgin" and I am like Andy. Who the fuck would want to hang out with Andy if he is like Jay? So, I understand from a certain point of view. But at the same time, it hurts and plus I can never tell him I am a virgin. It has happened before and it backfired on me really badly. It was literally as bad and exactly like the scene in the movie itself when the guys found out at the poker game, and then the next day everyone knew and embarrassed the shit out of Andy. When I watched that movie, there was so many truths and moments in my personal life that I actually realized something. I realized that the guy who made the movie MUST have been a virgin who have gone through this himself.

But this is what I am going to do. I will be a lot more distant from my "buddy" than he is from me. Fuck him. I can't focus on wanting something as simple as a friendship with someone who doesn't really give a flying fuck. The more I don't care, the better I feel. And the more distant I am, the more people tend to want to have more of me. This of course works really well with women. The more I am distant and leave them the fuck alone, they all wonder who I am and why I am so damn mysterious.

All my 'friends' that I have had since I lived in America; They were all extroverted, all had tons of friends and/or buddies, and all kept me at a distance. I was never their true friend, or at least I didn't feel like it. There was always someone who was much closer to them and that's how It always was. I am not sure why, but I sort of feel like I am partially responsible for creating this reality. This comes from me being very passive, apathatic, never taking any risks, never having motivation, and some extroverted people come along and make "friends" with me. One of these people was a female, and unfortunately she left me at some point. I felt like she abondened me and I never heard from her again. I don't know why or how. I did not want to find out so I left it alone and never called her again.

This is my life this time around, but all I really want at this time are the following things. I want confidence. I want charisma. I want power. I want psychic powers; much stronger than the ones I have. I want independance. I want freedom. If I attain these things in this lifetime, it won't really matter if I have friends. Because I know if I attain these things, everyone would want to be my friend.


p.s. Donnelly talks a lot about loneliness and not having many friends in this video. Props to Paz for linking me to his channel! I relate a lot to this