So I was just going to bed feeling all calm and relaxed. I am really tired and haven't been getting enough sleep throughout the week, and then something happened. I jotted down the date... 12/21/2012 on my dream journal, and something stroke a cord inside of me.
The universe wants me to write this in my blog, and I will talk about something right now-FEAR!
The real truth is, I am scared. I am shivering right now and don't even know why. Maybe because of all that toxic poison that's been put into me through media and television about this date, and once I jotted down that date with a pen, it opened up that fear and let it go wild.
The truth is, I let fear run a big part of my life. I know I've been talking about all this self-improvement with how I approach women and face my fears, but the truth is I do it half assed. And here is what I mean by that. I do street approaches in the day, but I don't go to clubs, I don't go to parties, and I don't put myself out there. Why? Fear. I am scared of people. Everytime I think of being out in a social setting where people mingle, it scares me to death. I think it is ancestral fear. My ancestars have passed me this fear and I have inhertied. This is what the constalation workshops deal with and this fear is so real, I don't wish it on anybody. It isn't just fear, but that is what has been passed into me and I have been dealing with it damn near since birth. That is why I developed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and it gets really intense at certain moments. This is one of those moments, and the fact that it is cold right now make me shiver even more. I finally bought a real nice heater so at least I am heating my room right now.
But what set this set was me jotting down today's date, and then there is a storm outside. And you know SF is infamous for having small windy storms.
But this hit me the other day, the reason why I am so stuck and unsuccessful with 95% of women in the day game is because I don't ever do anything else! I don't go out, I don't go to parties, I don't go to events, I don't really have a life!!! I don't get myself involved in anything! How in the heck am I gonna be successful with women just by approaching them on the street? I may get laid once but that's about it. And even then, I don't even have my own place! So, getting laid is even farther from my reality than I imagined.
It was really intersting how prepared I was for today. I know it could either be today, 12/23/2012, or sometimes January, 2013, but once I lay in my bed and jot the date... BOOM... my best friend, my best buddy fear just knocked on my door.
I gotta say this; fear is my best friend. I learned so much from fear this lifetime, that I could never have imagined how much one could learn from just one element by experiencing it so much. I can talk to you about women all day and all night. Tell you about my philosophies and theories, but if I don't go out with women, have sex with women, have real, long lasting, healthy, unhealthy, and everything in between relationships with women, there is nothing I can say about women because I wouldn't know about women. Experiencing women is the only way I could learn a lot about them. Same goes for anything else. For me? The most I have learned about this time around is fear. I used to diss fear, say 'fuck fear' cuz I heard my friend say it, but now I don't think like that anymore. I love fear, it is my pal. If you want to understand something and learn about something, you can't just disregard it like it isn't there and throw negativity at it, imho you gotta embrace it and accept it fully. Yes, I am scared, and then move to the next step in understaind why, how, when, and where that fear stems from.
I have been through a lot of shit in my life, and I really hope I will get through this with fear understanding I am no longer letting it run my life. I was just thinking earlier laying down unable to sleep. I go through all my life completely alone. Everything I go through, I go through it alone. Sometimes I wish I had just one true friend whom I would be on the same vibration with. I love being alone, but sometimes this loneliness gets the best of me.
Oh, and I am completely done with marijuana. I blazed a few days ago because I was so stressed and realized right then and there that I no longer need weed. It freaks me out, it makes me paranoid, it makes me zone out like I am somewhere else, but the truth is we all do that WITHOUT weed but just not so intuned within that moment, and my body parts start jerking before going to bed. Mary J, you have been a good friend, but now I gotta go my own way without you. I no longer need you in my life because I have to face my fears of people, and all you do is just keep me comfortable when I am alone. I don't need to be comfortable. I need to step out of my comfort zone and make friends. And I can't possibly do that with you there because you make me paranoid of everything. If I was high right now, I would be so freaked out I would probably call the drug hot line like I did when I ate a brownie back in college.
Fear, I love you. Please keep teaching me about you because I want to know more.
Marijuana, I love you. Thank you for all the wonderful times I've had with you. But now I gotta move towards my goals instead of keeping myself in shackles by staying home and puffing until my lungs gets filled up with smoke, and my throat starts hurting where I am coughing for days at a time.
I ask the universe to please release me of all this fear and negativity, and connect me with everything and everyone so that I could feel much closer to humanity, and all that is and ever was.
Peace and love everybody, and good night. I really hope I will get some sleep tonight.
4 comments:
first off, you know what your problem is. yes, you are afraid and you are tired of fear controlling your life. however, you know that it is possible to live with it and still enjoy life where you can do the things that you see other people do. you can do it, bro. it may take time BUT you can do it. it's not impossible. i'm in the same boat as you. i too have let fear get the best of me BUT at the same time, like yourself, i got tired of living my life around fear where i had to do something about it. sometimes, you have to bite the bullet in order to make it to the next level.
you also don't give yourself enough credit. you've been on dates with women. you've talked to women. one day, you'll meet a woman that is interested in you and will work with you.
and another thing too, i have to know. i know you said that you were diagnosed with pstd a long time ago BUT how did you get it though? did a particular incident happen where it developed? i'm curious because i know that pstd is something that happens from a traumatic experience such as witnessing somebody die in front of you or something really fucked up. did anything crazy happen that caused it? 1
yo Space, i just wanna let you know i relate to 99% of the stuff on this blog (i'm 32 & have basically all the same issues) and like reading your take on things....
Paz: man.. I don't feel like talking about my ptsd and what caused it. but give me some time and I will blog about it when I am ready to discuss it. it was basically a chain of events that just made me explode inwards.
Anonymous: thanks, man. I appreciate that. I used to think that I was the only guy dealing with these issues, only to later find out that isn't the case. There are lots of men that can relate to me, you, and whoever has ever lived on this or other planets. The problem with people like me is, we don't ever connect with those like us because we feel and are so disconnected from all.
But yeah, man. Thanks for checking my blog. Sometimes I think there is only like 2 people reading my shit; me, paz, and maybe a lurker somewhere...
But yeah. thanks to all of those that visit my blog. I know there is like 2 more people I could think of. They just seem to be either anonymous or 1 guy I remember, jason. So, I am not sure exactly how many or little people visit this place, but I appreciate you all for doing so.
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