My life...

I haven't really talked about my life in quite some time, because I don't feel like it. But this time I feel like putting my thoughts on paper, or on keyboard, or whatever.

I saw a constelation therapist a few months back. She did a free intake and we scheduled for me to do a constelation. I roughly knew what it was but didn't. It was vague and confusing of reading about it on wikipedia, but I had sort of an idea. The therapist links your ancestors and figures out why you have the problems that you do through your ancestry.. My ancestral family supposedly gets mapped out in a form of a "constelation".

The workshop was a trip. At some point, the woman I chose to represent me started crying when was asked "how do you feel?". She said "real foggy.. like I have sort of an idea of what life is. but havent figured it out just yet... I feel like I am disconnected from everything, and everyone". That was really trippy because that is...... me. I dont know why, and I dont know how. But no matter how much I meditate, approach strangers, do small talk, etc.. I still feel like I am far away from humanity and every thing in the Universe. I have felt this possibly since birth, but i didnt know it yet. I think this really kicked in when I moved to America.

when i came here it was like I was coming to a different world. It was like leaving Earth and going to Mars. that's the best way I can describe it. my whole world just got flipped upside down, and no one was a friend or at least someone I could talk to. This is what my mom will never understand, or anyone I dont think. I just can't relate to 99.9% of humanity.

It's like all these people born, then they go to middle school, high school, meet their high school sweet heart, get laid, fall in love, break up, get into college or get a job somewhere; maybe have kids, and then buy a house, etc.. they all "grow up" and learn from them being young, growing into "adults". But me... I remain young no matter how old I get. It's like an experience in a life with no experience.

People tell me the older I get the harder it will be to change, but will I ever change? in other words, if I get laid, get a g/f, wife, kids, etc.. would I really "change"? I highly doubt it. Truth is, I will always remain this young kid growing up as my body ages but the kid within me doesnt.

It's funny though, because I really thought the constelation workshop would help me somehow. The lady was all hyping it up like some client she had had a break through just by doing an intake, and that she didn't even do the workshop. I did.. but don't feel any significant difference.

This is why I like marijuana. it takes me to clouds and makes me forget all this bullshit I am dealing with. all this ancestral history that has been passed into me. I never really claimed or cared to be Jewish, but after that constelation it was a trip. It was as if all that WWII history has been reintroduced to me in a "hey! this is what your people have been through. your grandparents escaped war, and some of them almost died. and this is why you are fucked up!" I was hoping I'd have a break through, but it's okay. There is always something tomorrow. I am just glad I got a reality check. That my people do matter. And if I was a German and an offspring of a WWII oppresser, Id be just as fucked up but maybe in a different way.

I guess that's why I have always been interested in black people in America. all that slavery and oppression throughout American history; it's in them. I saw it, been seeing it, and still see it in American black people today. But I was always neglecting my own... until now.

I dont know what else to say. life is crazy..