today was one of the worst days i've had this year. i had to go to Oakland for the ceremony of the completion of my internship. i got a certificate or whatever the fuck it is called. going to these events is like a reluctant thing to do for me. i do it out of simple fact that i have to go. if i had my choice id rather have it mailed to me.
so i get there and the intern buddy is there with her boyfriend. she's one of those pretty girls who is friends with all the guys regardless of if they got game or not. it's crazy but she got people skills like that and wont judge you for your flaws. anyway, her b/f is just like me cuz that fucker never talks. i talk more then him actually.
so then after a while the court gets filled up with people and the shit starts. speech 1, speech 2, blah blah blah same ol boring shit. our site gives her an award then me an award then other people awards who complete the hours and then about 1 hour into it it ends.
funny there are some fine women interested in me (or it could just be me cuz i always think girls are into me but it could just be in my own head) and yet i don't even know how to "approach" them. so i keep all the talk on some basic shit. its so basic and shallow that i never go deeper then i need. i basically keep them far away from me just how i want it. i do that to protect them from myself. if they ever find out about my reality wholy shit i don't even know what theyll say or think.
days like these are the ones i usually not think about. not thinking about my shitty reality makes me not care about it but yet when i do it's one of these piece of shit realization days and how fucked i am. and unless i make a decision to go to parties regularly, fuck up, and get better and better little by little socially i will forever be fucked up as long as i live.
this one Filipino girl really liked me. i liked her too but i knew to stay away from her. cant even imagine dating her and shell be like "so tell me about yourself" and it will be another reality check with me going "i dont do shit with my life, i live with my mama, play video games, and i have no experience in living". that's the same exact reason why i dont get involved. i just keep my distance cuz i know just how disappointing i could be. it may be stupid but hey it's my life. funny how meditation stuff says "dont get involved in your feelings, just observe them" but how can you not when it's you? i mean i can 'not get involved' 95% of the time but then when i think about my reality i gotta face it. so i just sink into real heavy depression and i just wanna cry all day and night.
hearing about people partying and having a good time, marrying, going out and shit. then hanging out in big groups with friends like i did in my childhood days. man... hearing shit like that makes me wanna cry and cry without every stopping. that shit is so far away from me it's like i may never experience the joy of other people who you have a strong bond and connection with in a large group. that shit hurts. it hurts even worse when the same fags who got that reality look down on you thinking you have it easy cuz you white or whatever the fuck their reason is in their peanut brain.
and i know i am the one who can change that but i feel like there is a brick wall as tall as the fucking tallest building on the planet with spikes all over it. the wall is so fucking hard to get over i just stay on the other side. it's really crazy but that's how i been feeling all my life. if only there was someone to guide me at an early age but there wasn't. so now it's up to me to get over all the shit im going through. blaming my dad, mom or whomever hurt me in the past aint gonna do shit but make me have feelings of hate and resentment. it's just another bullshit emotional rollercoster over and over again.
but i gave up way too many times so i don't know if ill ever make a decision to break through and fight my demons. the way i see it in the 'there is no hope for me' state of mind is... im almost 30 so hey, 30 more years and im dead. so who cares.. but then it's like there is just a tiny little hope inside of me saying 'you can do it'. the shit is just not strong enough at this point so i just do what i always do. nothing.
8 comments:
spacemonkey, you go to the gym? if not, if i were you, i would go to the gym and go everyday, fam. i'm doing the same thing right now as we speak. i'm working tomorrow but afterwork, i'ma hit the weights and shit.
don't ask me why you should go to the gym because my reason is i'm just trying to not put myself to waste. my body is tired so i'm keep it awake.
yeah paz, that sounds like a good idea. i'm just not at a place where im comfortable enough to be doing this. meaning, im not stable in life so im just trying to find real j.o.b. that can get me settled and what not. i need to move out of my mama's place cuz im going crazy! then maybe ill sign up for sure and do my push ups and pull ups at the gym. thanks.
well... i feel you but you know what... i look at it like this, fam. with everything that you WANNA do, you gotta start somewhere in life. whether it's at the last minute or when it's early. eventually, you gonna have to start taking care of yourself so you might as well get a step taking care of yourself whether it is through physical exercise or job hunting for a career job so you can move out your moms home before it's too late and you're forced to do everything at once. you know... i'm just thinking that maybe if you do something that helps yourself and builds you as a person, you can eventually have the confidence to take on shit. like working out enough will lead to you getting big, and getting big will eventually make you feel good about yourself and feeling good about yourself will make you feel comfortable doing all kinds of shit like wearing certain clothes, talking to ladies because you feel you have something to get em, and more.. you know.. it all adds up. it has to do with what you wanna do.
lol you know ur a bigtime Loser when Paz is giving u advice
^^^aren't you that fat ass from sohh kingk4life who always goes around talking shit? either way, if you think we're "bigtime losers" plz GTFO and stop visiting our blogs. thanks in advance.
man.... that faggot kingk4life could eat a dick. man... if i see that faggot in the street, i'ma fucking spit in his face and knock his lights out. then i'ma take pics on my cell phone and show his whole little web community to make them and him get the message. fuck sohh too.
yeah, that guy is a bitch. i guarantee you that he comes to your and my blog to talk shit. half of all the negative comments is probably his.
i'm gonna teabag ur ass and put it on youtube faggit
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